Your Funniest Tabletop Story

Similar story, but not involving the actual mockery. I was trying to weaken a cow so I could cut off its horns and hooves while the rest of the town(my party included) slept. That's...a long story. Anyways.

• Me: I use vicious mockery.
• Paladin's Player: Why are you trying to kill the cow?
• Me: Dude, I'm making fun of it, a cow can't die from that.
• DM: The cow cannot handle the sheer viciousness of your mockery, has an aneurism, and dies.

:smug:

Not allowed to keelhaul people in a Star Wars game. They won't survive the vacuum.

...and that's terrible.

I thought people weren't supposed to survive the water either when being keelhauled...

Edit: But according to wikipedia, it's not supposed to be lethal (though it can be).

edited 30th Mar '12 11:27:11 AM by Medinoc

"And as long as a sack of shit is not a good thing to be, chivalry will never die."

Yeah, keelhauling usually wasn't lethal. It was just really, really uncomfortable, to use an understatement.

I should elaborate. My Saurton Bodyguard got pissed at a Rodian who burned him on a deal, so he cornered him late at night (no permission from his Hutt boss, btw) and just KO'd the rodian and put him in the cargo bay of a ship which he then sealed off. He flew off the station and into the asteroid belt and broadcast into the cargo bay to say the Rodian had made a bad move and proceeded to open the cargo bay so said Rodian was sucked out behind the ship, held on by a rope, and I proceeded to joyride around the system until "morning."

...and that's terrible.

IIRC the everburning torches were basically chem lights or flamless magic. I forget which.

Who watches the watchmen?

Earlier this week I was in an Apocalypse World game where I was put into the role of "operator." Somewhere in the character creation process, my character went from being a mercenary to being a pimp named "Sexfucker Jackson" who defends his girls from mutants with his sword cane.

Add me on Skype: Al Cook (darnpenguin)

That is the best ever character arc.

You are dazzled by my array of very legal documents.

I just played a Traveller game, just introduced to it or at least this GM's version of it where we were given 10 points to which we could then assign to made-up slots to put them, which were thus to be particular characters or character archetypes. This was mine:

• Shonen Hero 5
• Silent Video Game Protagonist 5
• And then the GM gave me 2 points in Clark Kent by her fiat

I was Lin Kent, an eternally silent middle schooler with a mysterious past, a keen sense of justice and alternating dreams of being King of the Reporters or Travellers. I had a crush on a girl who barely notices me, mostly because I never talk despite my ability to communicate with everyone else just fine via pantomine. Thing is, she's only into guys with glasses and therefore is in-love with my alter-ego the Bespectacled Protector whom I become simply by slipping on a pair of glasses.

My arch rival is Bruce Uchiha (Bruce Wayne 2, Shonen Rival 5, Macho FPS Protagonist 5). He wears glasses and is therefore attractive to my love interest although he barely notices her. He uses his vast fortune to fuel his roaring rampage of revenge after the death of his whole family against a combination of specific targets and just generally everyone using an arsenal of expensive weaponry, although he somehow never kills anyone. He does all this in his masked persona of Maskirra, partially fueled by his similarly named split-personality who is different from his silent brooding chaste self and prefers to blow things up, surround himself with scantly clad girls and spit corny one-liners.

So, a friend of mine and I are trying to get a Mutants & Masterminds campaign together. One of our players just sent me an e-mail that he can't make it that weekend. Because he's going to the White House.

Oh, ha ha, we think. No, really, why can't he make it?

Turns out he really is going to the White House that weekend. He got selected as a Champion of Change. That's a pretty hard excuse to beat.

Now that I think about it though, he should ask the president if he wants to join our campaign while he's up there...

Get him to play the Iron Patriot. Do eet!

:smug:

Barack Obama roleplaying as Captain America? That is definitely something I could get behind.

"Evii is right though" -Saturn "I didn't know you were a bitch Evii." -Lior Val

Nah, the Iron Patriot. Basically Norman Osbourne in Iron Man armor, painted red white and blue, leading a(very questionable) Avengers team. It was AWESOME.

:smug:

Tell him that it's required by law that anybody visiting DC eat at Ben's Chili Bowl.

...well, it should be.

I will inform him of this. He loves good restaurant recommendations when he travels.

Our player is completely bemused by the suggestion. I doubt he actually will; though he's a pretty outgoing guy and might actually do it, he obviously doesn't want to scare the people in charge either.

It's not even that it's great - although it is - as much as it's hands down the most iconic restaurant in the city. Also, Ray's Hell Burger is worth a look even though it's about 5 miles into Virginia.

edited 26th Apr '12 11:52:30 PM by KyleJacobs

In a Star Wars: Saga game, I played a prototype battle droid based off a B-1 who had achieved sentience and escaped his makers. Unfortunately, he had no weapon. So what did he do? He was a martial arts master. He eventually got rocket fists built in, so he could shoot his arms off to punch someone in the face across the room. And he had a jetpack, so he could fly into them full body if needed. So this droid was pretty much a skeletal, squeaky voiced, robotic Bruce Lee. The party was facing down with a Sith lord of immense power, and while the Sith lord was in mid rant he detached his arm (forgot to mention he could do that as well) and sent it crawling around the back of the Sith lord. The Sith lord didn't notice. Well, what does he do? He has his arm crawl up in the ceiling with a thermal detonator and blow out one of the ceiling's major supports. This causes the ceiling to begin to collapse, interrupting the Sith Lord's rant. The party managed to escape before they were locked in, and the Sith, being a Noble Demon type, decided to stay in his collapsing base and go down with it. So, once the dust has settled, what comes crawling out of the rubble? One very angry Sith Lord who had survived the collapse, albeit he was weakened. So...my droid, without hesitating, activates his jetpack and bodily tackles the Sith at high speed, succeeding his Grapple check and carrying the Sith Lord a long way before stopping in the middle of the ruins of the lair. He then proceeds to beat the Sith in the face, but is quickly thrown off and...well, the enemy, even weakened, was designed for a full party encounter, and I was one droid attempting to fight him. Curb Stomp Battle inbound. So I decide to get clever just as I'm about to die. I remove my jetpack with my one remaining arm, and then, the arm secured in the jetpack's strap, I send it off, the boosters of both the jetpack and the arm boosting it along at incredible speeds. I aim it at a large piece of rubble that looks unstable, and as the jetpack is flying the arm starts smacking it to damage it enough to overload it. It works, and when it hits one of the rubble's supports, it explodes. The giant slab of rubble falls over and crushes the Sith Lord. Over where his corpse was stands a battered, armless droid.

"Don't worry,, I'm generally not useless!"

Nicely done!

So I'm participating in a 4E campaign set in a Fantasy Counterpart Culture for Feudal Japan. The party consists of a kitsune, a druid, a warlock... and Alt, a Tiefling Bard who's pretty much the physical embodiment of Heavy Metal, has a guitar that is also an axe and is on fire, and is generally a little bit nuts. As of the second most recent session, he has also slept with the Kitsune, to the surprise of absolutely nobody.

So last night, we're talking about why said kitsune should stick with the party after the end of that particular quest - said kitsune operates on Blue-and-Orange Morality and had no real compulsion to follow through with the rest of the campaign's plot line. There was a brief pause after this was brought up, after which the following was said... all at the same time.

I had a pretty good laugh about this. The other standout moment would be Alt powersliding between the legs of an oversized Oni and stabbing it in the crotch with the extremely headstock of his guitar.

edited 16th May '12 1:12:35 PM by KyleJacobs

It's always the bards that get to do crazy stuff, right? Ever since people caught on to the fact that having a bard as a hardcore adventurer is frigging ridiculous, it's like people expect them to be played like that.

...Maybe I should tweak my bard's character a bit, see if I can make him an Only Sane Man, or something. I've been having fun with the usual diplomacy and bluff hijinks*

, but all of a sudden, as I was typing this, I grew completely bored of the character.

edited 16th May '12 1:31:07 PM by Kayeka

The recurring Bard character (Felix the Bard) in my campaigns is more of an Elan type from Order of the Stick, mixed in with a lot of Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate™

He's the disciple of Marcus the Dramatic, god of drama (also the only character allowed to overtly break the forth wall in character).

edited 16th May '12 1:38:09 PM by TheyCallMeTomu

Exactly! The only way my bard diverges from any of those characters is by using a shortsword because I couldn't be arsed to waste a feat on rapier proficiency. Well, and having half a brain, being a cunning bard. I probably should play up that last trait a little more, and add a few layers of snarkiness and such.

Last bard I played was a Tiefling who had been a powerful warlord(job title, not class). However, he'd angered the Raven Queen by disallowing one of her priests from performing some rites on one of his followers. As a result, he'd been depowered, causing him to not only be unable to protect his land, but unable to keep it at all, since he lost the respect he'd once had, and it was subsequently taken over by brigands, neighboring dutchies, etc.

Therefore his motivation was to try and get back his power by any means necessary. AKA act like your typical player, though in a serious manner. Constantly going after powerful magical artifacts. If he heard about some strange ritual, he'd immediately try to determine what it did and whether it could benefit him. That kind of stuff.

edited 16th May '12 1:46:48 PM by Xiphoniii

:smug:

I DM fiat bards to automatically get rapier proficiency ever since Rapiers became martial weapons.

Seriously, WTF? A rapier is the bardic weapon, why don't bards get proficiency in it?

I found that pretty odd as well when I first read it. Then again, rapiers are pretty sick light blades. Not having to use a feat for it might be a little overpowered if you run a melee-bard.

I go with a ranged bard, flinging spells from behind friendly lines. It's always amusing how everyone get's hurt badly, while I didn't even get a scratch.

"And once again, a glorious victory, with no one important getting hurt!"