For all the times someone was dumb but we just can’t find a good place to put it.
Other works with their own pages:
Music
- Toby Keith in "A Little Too Late," a top 5 country hit in 2006. In the video for the song, Keith plays a revenge-minded man who intends to commit the ultimate abuse: seal his ex-girlfriend (Krista Allen) in a small, windowless, bricked-in room inside his basement and leave her for dead. She has been tied to a chair, and stripped to a strapless white T-shirt and jeans.
You'd Expect: The man to know his own basement and position the woman in the room where she would indeed be sealed in.
Instead: In his desire for revenge and to get one last upper hand, he fails to notice he is actually working from the inside side of the brick wall, and instead begins sealing himself in. None of this becomes evident (to either him or the viewer) until after he places the last brick and begins verbally taunting the ex. However, in the ending musical bridge, the woman's eyes go from petrified to realizing she is in no danger ... and Toby realizing what has happened. As he begins trying to apologize, the woman simply knocks over the record player (a vinyl copy of the song had been playing) and walks out, presumably to call the police ... just as Toby meekly calls for help.
Speaking of which, You'd Expect: Allen's character to realize her predicament sooner (that she is on the other side the wall) and – as she isn't restrained that tightly – try to escape once Keith can no longer easily climb over or through the brick wall
Instead: She sits there until the wall is completely built. She does her own Oh, Crap! moment as the final bricks are being placed, making viewers believe she has been "bricked" in and will be left to die. - Shaquille O'Neal is smoking a cigarette in the music video, "Biological Didn't Bother".
You'd Expect: As the The Music Video Show points out, he could smoke in his room with the windows open or smoke somewhere where no one knows who he is.
Instead: He smokes a cigarette right in front of his house where his father figure catches him. - Carrie Underwood's Signature Song "Before He Cheats". In the song, Carrie trashes her ex-boyfriend's car as revenge for him cheating on her.
You'd Expect: For her to realize the car is fair game as long as he doesn't know who destroyed it.
Instead: One of the things she does is carve her name into the seats.
For Added Stupidity: She doesn't even know if he's cheating, she wrecks his car on unfounded suspicion. - Peter Schikele says of one of P.D.Q. Bach's compositions that the two main instruments were totally incompatible, as any of the major composers of the time could have told him. However, for various reasons, P.D.Q. at the time was not on speaking terms with any of them.
- "Weird Al" Yankovic: In the third segment of "A Complicated Song", Al decides to go on a roller coaster. The operator warns him not to stand.
You'd Think: Al would listen to the operator and remain seated on the ride.
Instead: He stands on the roller coaster and winds up losing his head.
However: This is Weird Al, so it's probably Rule of Funny. - Peter and Gordon's "Lady Godiva" is a modern take on the legendary noblewoman. A Hollywood director hears about her infamous ride and offers her a movie contract that she doesn't want.
You'd Expect: Lady Godiva to refuse by saying "No".
Instead: She shakes her head. Lampshaded with "That was Lady G's mistake". - "Dark Lady" by Cher: A woman visits a fortune teller's shop, where she is told that her lover has been cheating on her. Unbeknownst to the woman, the fortune teller is his mistress.
You'd Expect: The fortune teller to go about her business with the woman's mate in a secluded area where they won't be discovered.
Instead: They have the affair in the woman's bedroom. She picks up the fortune teller's scent, tracks them back to her lair and shoots them both. - Evillious Chronicles: Scherzer is a serial kidnapper and human trafficker from one of the manga stories. The only one who could conceivably get him caught is his financial adviser, Bogaerts, who is both in charge of his fortune and can be a whistleblower to his misdeeds should he catch on to them.
You'd Expect: For Scherzer to have some means in place to make sure Bogaerts didn't blow his secret, or to at least take care to not do anything to make Bogaerts personally angry.
Instead: He's so arrogant that he kidnaps whoever he pleases and ends up kidnapping Bogaerts' niece, which causes Bogaerts to plot his downfall.
Myth, Legend, and Religion
- Pecos Bill. On their wedding day, his bride Sluefoot Sue tried to ride his horse Widow Maker. Widow Maker throws her off, and her bustle starts bouncing her higher and higher; she can't stop herself because her wedding dress was made to be removed by her husband, and she's not carrying her knife to her wedding.
You'd Expect: Pecos, being a sharpshooter supreme and a true master of the lasso, would either shoot out the bustle to stop her bouncing or throw a rope around his beloved and brake her down. This is, after all, a man who can shoot a star from the sky or rope and ride a cyclone.
Instead: There are two main versions of the myth. In the first, Pecos actually does do what You'd Expect... after Sue has spent several days bouncing and possibly even whacking her head against the moon. She survives but is so pissed off that she breaks off their engagement and never speaks to him again. In the second version of the myth, Pecos shoots her so she won't have to suffer a horrible death from thirst. Yep. - Every time a god/king learns from an oracle "your son with this woman will one day kill you".
You'd Expect: That God/king to avoid the woman like the plague and find someone else, or eventually raise the child with the kind of love and affection that would diffuse thoughts of patricide.
Instead: That God/king will continue to have kids with that woman, then attempt to kill or disown their son, usually picking the laziest method possible rather than one that's guaranteed to work - an act which will only justify their kid committing patricide.- In some versions (such as the myth of Perseus), the prophecy is that "This woman's child will kill/overthrow you", without specifying who the father had to be, making the issue more complicated.
You'd Expect: The man would straight-up kill the woman, or, failing that, straight-up kill the child.
Instead: They tend to have the same problem with using more roundabout methods to kill the mother or child, or sometimes just try to stay away from them, not realizing that the child doesn't necessarily have to target them to kill them. (e.g. Perseus killed his grandfather accidentally with a throwing disc blown by the wind.)
- In some versions (such as the myth of Perseus), the prophecy is that "This woman's child will kill/overthrow you", without specifying who the father had to be, making the issue more complicated.
- And how 'bout probably the most famous one in mythology? Paris has been chosen as a judge to determine who's the most beautiful at a wedding feast by giving his choice an apple labeled as "For the Fairest". Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena all try to bribe him — Hera offers world domination, Athena offers genius smarts and martial skill, and Aphrodite offers the love of the most beautiful woman in the world.
You'd Expect: Paris to choose Hera and gain smart advisors, a powerful army, and a royal harem as part and parcel of World Domination, or to choose Athena and use his smarts to gain World Domination and aforementioned army and harem. Just about every person who has read the myth has thought this at some point.
Or: If Paris won't have any woman but Helen, he could still choose one of the other goddesses and use their bribes to get her. In Hera's case, the idea of being given World Domination does suggest that you'd get sufficient military resources on hand to keep the world in line, which he could use to sort out anyone who tries to get Helen back. In Athena's case, you'd think that he could use his smarts to come up with a way of getting Helen without causing a huge amount of trouble.
Or: Toss the apple to Hestia (she who tends the hearths of Olympus), Demeter (she in charge of all plant life), or maybe even Persephone or Amphitrite, to Take a Third Option.
Or Even: Paris could say that he, a mere mortal, cannot be great enough to choose who, out of the three Goddesses is the most beautiful (not to mention realizing that, no matter who he chooses, two powerful Goddesses will be angry with him for not choosing them).
Or Perhaps Even: He could have given it to the bride (since the bride is the most beautiful woman in the world in her wedding day) and gain the grudging approval of all three. Hera's dominion includes marriage - she can't object without mocking her own power; Aphrodite's is love - she has to stay her hand for pretty much the same reason; Athena, as a goddess of intellect, would also probably approve of this display of guile and skill. And to boot, he'd ingratiate himself with the hosts.
Instead: Paris chooses Aphrodite and gains the hand of an already-married queen, with most of the armies of Greece bound to rescue her, as well as the enmity of two of the most powerful goddesses in the pantheon. Cue The Trojan War.
In Addition: In some versions the apple is put there to sow discord by Eris, the goddess of spite, who for some reason the gods and Peleus thought it would be a good idea not to invite. It's not like she'll hold a grudge or anything...
There's more: All of this assumes there was some sort of graceful exit to the Judgement and this myth does not mean Troy was doomed, no matter what Paris did (ie, having chosen either Hera or Athena did not mean the other two goddesses would ally with the Greeks to end with Troy even with either Athena or Hera at Paris' side, giving it to another goddess instead, choosing someone else to impart judgement, or even splitting it into three parts and giving each one to Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite would not have supposed three powerful deities royally pissed and at best the support of whatever goddess received the apple instead, and at worst enmity too of the god(dess) chosen to decide what of the three is the most beautiful.)
* And then there's Jason, former leader of the Argonauts, he who retrieved the Golden Fleece, and a hero actually under the divine patronage of Hera. He returns from the journey victorious since he had the love and assistance of the powerful, Cute and Psycho princess Medea, who has gone so far as to murder her own brother as a distraction so Jason and his crew could escape her father's wrath.
You'd Expect: Jason would return to his father's kingdom and settle down in peace with his lover.
Instead: At some point Jason decides to marry a princess named Glauce so he could have wealth and fame and the like, even though Medea has already had two children by him (and is, as mentioned above, Cute and Psycho to the extreme) and the man's patron goddess is HERA, also known as the goddess of marriage and the most vengeful of the Olympians. So Medea kills Jason's new bride by burning her alive, the bride's father (by accident: he tried to save his daughter, and failed. He also set the royal palace on fire with his attempt), and kills their two children in revenge before taking off. Jason dies alone and forgotten many years later when the Argo's ancient, rotting prow breaks right over his head.- It gets worse. Jason had taken a vow to be faithful to Medea, and the traditional divine punishment for breaking oaths, according to Herodotus? Killing off the oathbreaker's entire family, which makes Jason's anger at Medea for doing just that very much an idiotic moment.
- In an older version Medea didn't kill the children; that's the result of the townsfolk of Corinth being even dumber and the children delivering the poisoned dress that caused the fire (yes, Medea was that good). The Corinthians knew Medea was an incredibly powerful witch with a bad temper, but, as long as she wasn't provoked, she was very nice, and her magic had even saved the entire city from starvation during a famine.
You'd Expect: They would lynch the king and make Jason their new king to avoid whatever revenge Medea would think of. Alternatively, assuming they found out too late, they'd just beg her to leave or make a show trial and sentence Medea to exile with her children.
Instead: They lynch the children as the material executors of the assassination, with Medea seeing them because she was about to take off on her own. Corinth is promptly hit by an earthquake and a plague, and the fire of the royal palace spread to the whole city.
- As told in The Odyssey, we have Odysseus and his men come across the island of Polyphemus the Cyclops. Odysseus outwits his ravenous foe by getting him drunk and then jabbing him in his eye. In a blind rage, the Cyclops accidentally lets them free and they escape. To make it work, Odysseus introduced himself to Polyphemus as "nobody", so as the other cyclopses living on the island will assume Polyphemus to be a fool when he calls for help.
You'd Expect: Odysseus to just get to his ship, set sail and never look back.
Instead: Odysseus takes time to gloat at his foe and gives him his real name. Unfortunately for him, Polyphemus is the son of Poseidon, the very sea god who's already pissed at Odysseus's lack of humility. Polyphemus promptly informs Poseidon of what Odyessus did to him via shouting to the heavens. Poseidon then ensures that the trip home is a living nightmare. - Theseus and Pirithous want to marry daughters of Zeus.
You'd Expect: They nicely and humbly ask Zeus if he has any daughters to spare. Considering that both are powerful kings, decorated heroes and sons of gods themselves, it’s not such a stretch to presume that Zeus would actually grant their wish and give them two of his low ranking daughters - some demi-goddesses or nymphs.
Or: If they don’t want to bother with asking Zeus, then they at least go after women who are not bound to cause a lot of trouble when they are kidnapped.
Instead: Theseus chooses Helen of Sparta, a princess whose kidnapping causes a political shitstorm to roll over Athens. Pirithous chooses Persephone, the beloved wife of Hades and a powerful goddess in her own right. This goes as well as expected, with both Theseus and Pirithous imprisoned in the Underworld. Even if thanks to some miracle they actually managed to carry away Persephone, this is the woman whose mother threw a tantrum of epic proportions and starved most of the world the last time her daughter was kidnapped, and whose husband also threatened to release the dead if she was taken from him. It’s safe to assume that Greece would have to deal with both Endless Winter and Zombie Apocalypse this time around. To be fair to him, Theseus knew that kidnapping Persephone would have been a horrible idea and tried to make Pirithous change his mind, but had to go with it due a oath (that's also why Hades ultimately lets Theseus go when Herakles asks him. Pirithous, instead, is kept there). - Arachne is bragging about her weaving skills to an old woman and saying that she's even better at it than Athena. Said old woman then reveals herself as Athena and challenges her to a weaving contest.
You'd Expect: Arachne to realize that she's in over her head and apologize for her hubris or at least weave something sucking up to Athena as to not make her even more angry with her.
Instead: Not only does she go through with the challenge, but she weaves a tapestry that mocks the gods, right in front of a goddess. Because of this blatant disrespect, Athena turns her into a spider. - The Bible:
- After the Pharaoh of Egypt reluctantly frees the Israelites from slavery following the 10 plagues, the Israelites cross the Red Sea as God creates a path for them. Pharaoh, having changed his mind, sends his army after the Israelites.
You'd Expect: That the Egyptians would fall back once they reached the Red Sea. It had been proven earlier through the plagues and a column of fire keeping the Egyptians from pursuing the Israelites that the Egyptians gods were no match for the God of Israel.
Instead: The Egyptians continue to pursue them to the point of following them into the Red Sea.
As a Result: Moses raises his staff, God closes up the path through the Red Sea, and the Egyptians drown. - The Israelites have been wandering in the wilderness. God has clearly shown His power more than once, and gets very upset when they disobey. Which they do, often. This entry isn't that, though. This is special, above and beyond. God had just gotten down smiting them again when they started to complain about missing eating meat. Manna from heaven every day (except the sabbath) just wasn't enough. So God told them that they want meat, do they? Well, they're gonna get meat. So much meat that it comes out of their nostrils (literally what the Bible says God said) and they'll be sorry because they despised God enough to complain about not eating meat when He was giving them manna from heaven... And then a bunch of quail, enough for a month, showed up near the camp.
You'd Expect: All of the Israelites to realize that Hate Gifts From God are a bad thing and beg forgiveness. Or at least go back to eating the manna, which is still there. (Actually, some did, because some Israelites were still around after this)
Instead: A significant amount gather up the quail and dig in. And yes, the instant they bit into the meat, everyone who ate died from the plague. - Samson is one of the Judges of Israel. He's known for his amazing strength; not so well-known is that God has forbidden him to cut his hair. Anyway, he falls in love with a woman named Delilah, who is actually The Mole for the Philistines, the mortal enemies of Israel. At their urging, she asks him the secret of his strength. He lies to her, saying that binding him with fresh bowstrings will restrain him. However, when this is done and the Philistines attack, he breaks free with little effort.
You'd Expect: Samson to take a hint and realize that his lover set him up, and deep-six her ASAP.
Instead: He doesn't. He's still smart enough to not trust her, though, so when she asks him twice more how to bind him, he twice more lies to her, allowing him to escape the next two attacks.
You'd Expect: Samson to really take a hint and figure out that Delilah is trying to get him killed, and deep-six her ASAP. Or, at the very least, you'd expect him to continue making up fake "weaknesses" and never reveal the real one.
Instead: He lets her guilt-trip him to the point where he tells her about his hair. She then has it cut off while he's asleep, rendering him helpless. The Philistines then capture him, blind him, and throw him in prison.
Furthermore: Each time the Philistines try this, Delilah shouts, "Wake up, the Philistines are upon you!" (Presumably, this is to confirm Samson's strength is actually gone.)
You'd Expect: After the first few times the plan fails, the Philistines would either conclude that this is actually a kinky sex thing Samson and Delilah are into, or just kill Samson in his sleep. Samson's power is super-strength, not invulnerability, so if they can get into his bedroom every night this should be an obvious change of plan.
Instead: They keep doing the same thing over and over again, and each time it fails. Eventually, Delilah finds out the secret and they're able to capture him, but then...
You'd Expect: Now that he's at their mercy, the Philistines would proceed to kill their hated enemy to ensure an extended rule over Israel.
Instead: They're perfectly content with simply gouging his eyes out and putting him to work on a treadmill.
You'd Then Expect: The Philistines to make sure his hair stays cut, just in case. It's not an effort-intensive task, after all.
Instead: His hair grows back in captivity, and he collapses their temple on top of them.
However: His strength came from God, not his hair. He begged God to give him his strength back one last time, and God fulfilled his request. - In Israel and Judah, several kings have been worshipping idols and bringing trouble on the nation.
You'd Expect: Upon seeing or hearing of these disasters, other kings would try to obey God.
Instead: They keep following the evil kings' examples, and Israel is eventually taken into captivity. You know how Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"? In this case, it's more like "doing the same thing many others have done and expecting different results". - Elijah has confronted Baal's prophets and challenged them to a contest. The groups build two altars, one for God and one for Baal, but put no fire onto either one. The challenge is that whoever sends fire down from heaven is the true God. Unsurprisingly, God wins, and Elijah has Baal's prophets all put to death. A week later, it starts raining, putting an end to a three-year drought.
You'd Expect: Upon witnessing all this, Ahab and (probably) Jezebel would come to their senses, ditch Baal, and start worshipping God. If nothing else, you'd think Baal's failure to answer his prophet's prayers would cause them to realize what a phony he is, and if their children (and several other kings) follow this conversion to God, it would likely have prevented (or at least delayed) Israel's descent into captivity.
Instead: Not only does Jezebel still keep calling to false gods, but she even sends Elijah a message saying she'll put him to death.
- After the Pharaoh of Egypt reluctantly frees the Israelites from slavery following the 10 plagues, the Israelites cross the Red Sea as God creates a path for them. Pharaoh, having changed his mind, sends his army after the Israelites.
- Thunderbirds:
- "30 Minutes After Noon
": At the beginning of the episode, a man named Thomas Prescott is asked by a strange man to take him to the hospital, when they get to the man's destination, the man gives Prescott a bracelet, which is really a bomb. (The man works for the Erdman gang, and he's planning on using Prescott to destroy important files on the Erdman gang.) The man tells Prescott that the key to unlocking the Bomb is in his office.
You'd Expect: That upon unlocking the Bomb, Prescott would disregard what the man said and throw the bomb out of a window.
Instead: He leaves the bomb in his cabinet, thus leading to the building, and him getting trapped in the cellar of the building, thus leading to International Rescue having to save him.
- "30 Minutes After Noon
- Warhammer 40,000:
- In Angron's backstory, he was an escaped gladiator who was trapped with his army of fellow escaped gladiators with a huge army coming at him. The battle barge of the Emperor is in orbit, and the Emperor could probably destroy the army and rescue Angron's comrades in no time.
You'd Expect: The Emperor destroys the enemy army. Orbital fire, armies of Space Marines, doing it personally. You've got a lot of options when you have spaceships, troops, guns and enough Psychic Powers to make the gods themselves get nervous. Or at the Very least, Teleport as many of Angron's comrades as he can up.
Instead: He rescues Angron and retreats with his ship, thus killing most of the gladiators and giving Angron a grudge that would later cause him to join the traitor legions. - In Lorgar's backstory, he and his Legion, the Word Bearers, created a religion revolving around worship of the Emperor, up to transforming the city of Monarchia into a colossal shrine to his glory. As it happens, the Emperor is staunchly irreligious, and particularly hates being worshiped himself.
You'd Expect: The Emperor calls Lorgar and his more devout followers and has a long, quiet talk about why he dislikes the idea of being placed as an icon of worship, convincing them he's not a god and should not be hailed as one (especially so if he actually deigns to explain how Chaos actually works). Thus, the church's slowly dismantled with little fuss and ensuring Lorgar, who is only guilty of ignoring this pet peeve of the Emperor, remains loyal.
Instead: He sends the Ultramarines, the Bearers' biggest rivals, to level Monarchia, and then forces the Word Bearers and Lorgar himself to kneel to him in the ashes and forced to denounce their devotion as treason. This sends them all into a spiral of hate that boils over during the Horus Heresy.- The Emperor really did a lot of these, to the point that the Horus Heresy comes off almost as Pay Evil unto Evil.
- In a similar manner, at the start of Warlord Ghazkhull's first invasion of Armageddon, the planet was under the rule of Overlord Herman Von Strab, who was once described as "the greatest waste of flesh and bone born in the last 500 years". So the Orks start to invade.
You'd Expect: Von Strab to pull his finger out and deal with it the moment the first hulk appeared — after all, these are the Orks, who live for war and aren't really sure how their death-spitting war machines work anyway.
Instead: Von Strab sits on his ass doing absolutely nothing as the Orks happily establish a beachhead. He then sends his army piecemeal to be happily slaughtered, sends out a legion of titans unaided to try and destroy them, then virus bombs the major cities when the Orks get to them. Needless to say, when the Space Marines turn up, they aren't happy.
So: The idiot becomes a war criminal and is turfed off of Armageddon. He comes back in the Third War on Armageddon, supported by the Orks, and claims he has divine right to rule over Armageddon. We're really not sure why anyone believed him, but some did.
- In Angron's backstory, he was an escaped gladiator who was trapped with his army of fellow escaped gladiators with a huge army coming at him. The battle barge of the Emperor is in orbit, and the Emperor could probably destroy the army and rescue Angron's comrades in no time.
- Warhammer:
- Caledor II the Warrior, Phoenix King of the Elves, is a one-man reason for the decline of the once great Elven Kingdom. Malekith, the Witch King of Naggaroth, took advantage of this elf's mountainous arrogance by sending a bunch of dark elves disguised as high elves to attack a dwarfish caravan. High King Gotrek of the dwarfs sends an emissary to Ulthuan, demanding an explanation for the attack and compensation.
What you'd expect: Caledor being surprised that his people are accused of something they haven't done, ordering his people to investigate on the attacks to find the perpetrators and offer compensation to the dwarfs for the lost caravan.
What happens instead: Caledor arrogantly responds that he will only answer to pleas, not demands, and sends the emissary back to Karaz-a-Karak with nothing. - But Wait, There's More! Gotrek is monumentally pissed (though it doesn’t take much for a dwarf to get angry), but he sends the emissary again. The emissary then says that he will return to his king with double the compensation he asked or a shaved beard (Shaving their beard is the biggest insult you can perform on a dwarf!)
What you'd expect: Caledor coming back to his senses and doing what you expected at first.
What happens instead: Caledor orders his retainers to shave the emissary's beard, then sends him back to Karaz-a-Karak, with a message to Gotrek stating that, if he wants compensation, he can come to Ulthuan personally to get it.
The result: The War of the Beard. The dwarfs took a very big hit because of it, but the elven empire ended up on the verge of annihilation, and Caledor died by Gotrek's hand. To add insult to injury, Caledor's Phoenix Crown, the most prized elven artifact, was taken from his corpse and is still on public display in Karaz-a-Karak to this day. - Archaon is prophecized to be the Everchosen of Chaos who will destroy the world, but he hates the Chaos Gods and wishes to defy them, even to kill them, if possible.
You'd Expect: Archaon to try not to fall to Chaos.
Instead: Archaon tries to defy the Chaos Gods' plan to turn him into the Everchosen and destroy the world by... becoming the Everchosen and trying to destroy the world. Needless to say, his plan doesn't work out.
- Caledor II the Warrior, Phoenix King of the Elves, is a one-man reason for the decline of the once great Elven Kingdom. Malekith, the Witch King of Naggaroth, took advantage of this elf's mountainous arrogance by sending a bunch of dark elves disguised as high elves to attack a dwarfish caravan. High King Gotrek of the dwarfs sends an emissary to Ulthuan, demanding an explanation for the attack and compensation.
- Basically every scientist in Bleak World is this, but the scientist who created the legion really takes the cake, they were tasked by the church to help perceive the afterlife.
What you'd expect: Anything but what they did.
What happens instead: They put 108 demons and ghosts into a single body and it went insane and killed everyone. - BattleTech
- The Federated Commonwealth is treating the son of the Captain-General of the Free Worlds League for severe leukemia. During the course of treatment, the boy unfortunately dies, which in the volatile political climate of the Inner Sphere could be a major diplomatic incident.
What You'd Expect: The Commonwealth would own up to the death and accord the boy's corpse with all due dignity, while also joining in the mourning and offering their sincere apologies and condolences, assuring Captain-General Marik that everything that could be done to save the boy's life was, thereby salvaging a bad situation.
What Happens Instead: Archon-Prince Victor Steiner-Davion panics, fearing that young Joshua's death will cause the FWL to cut off the flow of desperately-needed supplies for fighting off the Clan Invasion. He orders a coverup over the death and sends a doppelganger back to Atreus. Captain-General Thomas Marik or, at least, a doppelganger in his image predictably is enraged at the deception and declares war on the Commonwealth, causing the FC to lose the vast majority of the territory it had won in the Fourth Succession War. This caused the sundering of the Commonwealth into two states, the rump Federated Commonwealth (the Federated Suns) and the Lyran Alliance, the latter led by Victor's unstable sister, Katherine. This directly set the stage for the FedCom Civil War, which destroyed everything that Victor's father, Magnificent Bastard supreme Hanse Davion, had worked and fought for over 40 years.
EVEN WORSE: Sun-Tzu Liao, the Chancellor of the Cappellan Confederation, was able to renew diplomatic ties with the FWL over the incident and give a gigantic "F-you" to Victor. The Cappellan Confederation had been the state that suffered the most at the hands of the Suns during the Fourth Succession War, and were able to regain a significant portion of territory, the remainder becoming a chaotic no-man's land.
EVEN WORSE THAN THAT: That chaotic no-man's land became a breeding ground for the Word of Blake that within a decade would launch the Jihad, the most destructive and deadly conflict the Inner Sphere had seen since the First Succession War almost two hundred years earlier. Vic, next time a VIP's kid croaks, just tell the flippin' truth, m'kay? - During his ill-fated revolt, Anton Marik increasingly treated the even by then legendary Wolf's Dragoons like Elite Mooks. Finally he ordered the regiments of the Dragoons to integrate with his regular forces, a prospect that Jamie Wolf rejected out of hand. By this point in the rebellion, the Dragoons are the only thing standing between Anton and total defeat.
What You'd Expect: Anton listens to the only remaining competent troops on his side and let them do their thing. Antagonizing five regiments worth of elite troops with a mysterious supply line giving them top of the line equipment probably wouldn't end well, all things considered.
What Actually Happens: Anton, in a rage, orders the dependents of Wolf's Dragoons that are at his headquarters to be taken prisoner, with Wolf told that he will kill them all if he doesn't do as Anton ordered. These dependents include Wolf's brothernote , Wolf's wife and all but one of his children. Anton then carries out his threat. The Dragoons all go en masse to Anton's headquarters planet for a good ol' Roaring Rampage of Revenge. Natasha Kerensky (who during this operation renames herself The Black Widow and takes a good number of levels in sociopath) leads the charge, setting the ENTIRE REGION around Anton's fortress on fire and collapsing the entire building upon him.
TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY Janos Marik (y'know, the guy Anton was rebelling against...) is so impressed with the Dragoons' performance that he exempts them from the heavy punishments for treason that Anton's troops received and instead bought out their contract.
In slight mitigation to the idiocy: The revolt was masterminded by ComStarnote and the Capellan Confederation note . In some accounts of the revolt, a ComStar undercover operative is the one who eggs Anton on to his fatal mistake with Wolf's family, and may have engineered a "shot while trying to escape" death for Joshua Wolf.
- The Federated Commonwealth is treating the son of the Captain-General of the Free Worlds League for severe leukemia. During the course of treatment, the boy unfortunately dies, which in the volatile political climate of the Inner Sphere could be a major diplomatic incident.
- Calvin and Hobbes, Dick Tracy and Peanuts have their own pages.
- For Better or for Worse: In one story, Michael and Lawrence go to the house only to find that Elly’s at work, Michael forgot his key and Liz is refusing to let him in out of spite.
You'd Expect: Either Michael to swallow his pride and ask nicely to be let in, or hang out with Lawrence at his house, which is right next door. Then, he would explain to Elly what happened when she came home, thus placing the blame solely on Liz.
Instead: Michael yells at Liz, beats at the door and both insults and threatens her, which makes Liz refuse to let him in even more. Eventually, Michael attempts to get in through the basement, which results in a broken window.
The Result: Michael gets in trouble alongside Elizabeth and he ends up being forced to work at a hot dog stand by John. - Funky Winkerbean: In one arc, it's revealed that Lisa left behind a journal detailing her brief relationship with the father of her child Darin when they were teenagers. The journal entries make it clear that he had previously pressured her into sex, that he had hit her in the past and that she intends to break up with him.
You'd Expect: Her to, at the very least, do this in a public place during the daytime with plenty of people around. Even if she's a social outsider she could still do this at some place where people would notice if he grew violent and where she could call for help.
Instead: She tells him alone, at night and in an isolated alleyway. The only reason he doesn't beat her up is that Pam and Jeff just happened to be heading home at that time and went through that exact alley. Really the only way Lisa could have put herself in greater danger would have been if she had gotten him drunk first. - Little Nemo: Nemo is constantly awakened by his parents due to an Acid Reflux Nightmare.
You'd Expect: Nemo's parents to stop feeding him before bedtime.
Instead: They keep letting him eat and after every nightmare, they merely tell him to stop eating and threaten to beat him if he keeps having nightmares.
Jokes
- A man is visited by a genie who tells him he will get one wish granted, with no drawbacks or restrictions of any kind, but that the man’s most hated enemy will get double whatever he wishes for.
You’d expect: The man to ignore this when making his wish. After all, he could wish for an obscene amount of cash and move as far away from his archenemy as he likes, or wish for a private island and never have to see him again, or wish for eternal life and never have to worry about anything again, or even make an utterly selfless wish so that it doesn’t matter that his enemy benefits too.
Instead: The man is horrified that his Sitcom Arch-Nemesis will benefit from his wish in any way, so he wishes for something horribly self-destructive like a prison sentence, or an eye gouged out, or a heart attack, or a bullet to the brain.
The result: The man dies horribly, and in most tellings, his enemy does suffer twice as much but recovers. Not like you can feel sorry for him though.
Other
- Alien Abduction Role Play: When Subject 50499-A asks Ackt to deepthroat their upper body like what was done to Tori, Ackt at first refuses, citing several reasons: One, she's still feeling horribly guilty about doing it to Tori, who did NOT consent to it. Two, even she admits that the two humans are affecting her on an instinctual level because of how they smell and taste to her.
You'd Expect: Subject 50499-A to respect Ackt's reasons for refusing them. After all, the mere fact that a normally kind, gentle person like Ackt would feel such a strong urge to eat the humans upon first meeting them should tip them off that Ackt's fears are well founded.
Instead: Subject 50499-A selfishly continues to pester Ackt about it until she gives in. She spits them out, and slowly begins to sink into a feral episode.
The Only Good that Came Out of It: Ackt's secret is exposed, right after humanity is officially given full rights, alerting the crew to the fact that humanity might have something hormonal about themselves that could potentially affect carnivore species in a very averse way. - Stitch's Great Escape!: Stitch just got teleported into a giant glass tube, and the guards are confused by how such a small creature can be a level 3 prisoner. Regulations require that Level 3 prisoners get a DNA scan. Gantu thinks it's overkill, but plays it by the book anyway.
You'd expect: Gantu wouldn't leave the "overkill" at that and wouldn't give Stitch a chance to leave the tube.
Instead: Gantu, apparently thinks the DNA-tracking cannons will be enough, raises the glass, and leaves to get some answers from the higher-ups. Stitch spits on the audience, previously impossible because of the glass in the way, causing a short circuit, resulting in a blackout, which disables the tracking cannons and allows him to escape under cover of darkness. - In BIONICLE, Takanuva, Gali, and Pohatu are fighting giant bugs. Business as usual for them really, but Takanuva is worried that his regular light powers won't be powerful enough. He does have a bunch of new toys, though!
You'd Expect: That he'd just use his new power-amplifying weapon if he was that worried. Or if he didn't want to drain his light powers, he has a blaster that could do it for him.
Instead: He uses his new shadow power without the amplifier, winning the fight but freaking his friends out and making them think he might be one of the evil shadow-slinging shapeshifters flying around.- In another story, Telluris has just spent an entire chapter running away from an Eldritch Abomination that looks like a miniature sun with tentacles and is a Dream Stealer. Finally, he and his companions manage to make it out of its cave.
What You'd Expect: That he'd keep running the hell away from it some more, or find cover like his partners have and stay there.
What Happens: He randomly starts charging back at the creature, despite knowing that it's nearly impossible to defeat. He is instantly zapped to dust. His friend then remarks that that was a stupid and pointless way to go. Apparently being a mechanical genius doesn't make you a genius in other areas.
- In another story, Telluris has just spent an entire chapter running away from an Eldritch Abomination that looks like a miniature sun with tentacles and is a Dream Stealer. Finally, he and his companions manage to make it out of its cave.
- The titular monarch in the song "There Lived a King" from The Gondoliers, who was grieved that not everyone was as well-off as he.
You'd Expect: He calls together the best minds on economics and try to work out a policy that prospered as much of the population as possible, and revisit it from time to time.
Instead: He promotes each person in the kingdom to the top of the hierarchy of their chosen métier."That king, although no one denies/His heart was of abnormal size/Yet he'd have acted otherwise/If he'd have been acuter." - One commercial has a pair of teenage boys calling their mother and complaining they are hungry. The mother says to go make themselves Tostino's (a frozen pizza snack), with the boys complaining that they don't have any.
You'd Expect: The boys to actually look around the freezer first before declaring whether or not they have the said snack.
Instead: Their eyes are glued to their right while the snack is just a few inches away on their left. The mother seems to know the boys are too lazy to actually look so she says "Front, left, Tostino's!" God forbid anything happens to these kids should their mother be gone for an extended period of time.
Also: When the boy finds the Tostino's, he puts the phone down in the freezer and closes the door. - Parodied in a commercial for Geico. A group of teens in a slasher film setting are on the run from a killer. They find an Old, Dark House and contemplate hiding in it, while one of the girls suggests getting in a running car and driving away.
You'd Expect: The teens to do just that without any hesitation.
Instead: One of the boys shouts, "Are you crazy?" and forces them to hide in the garage where chainsaws dangle overhead. The killer is in there and even he can't believe what he sees.
For Added Stupidity: Their next stop is the cemetery. The killer must be facepalming at this point. - The story of the Goose that Laid a Golden Egg: A farmer and his wife discover a goose that, as the title suggests, lays a golden egg every day.
You'd Expect: The pair of them to just let the goose do its thing. Or, if they're worried about the goose running out of eggs (as stated in some versions of the story), just save some of the gold.
Instead: They decide to cut the goose open to try and get all the gold at once. The "autopsy" reveals the goose to be no different than any other, and the couple now have no more golden eggs. - Can't remember what the commercial was about (probably car insurance or something), but it features a guy sitting in his car when he sees a shopping cart rolling towards it.
You'd Expect: That if he were really so desperate to keep his precious car from getting scuffed up, he'd just get out and stop the cart. It is a shopping cart, not the boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Instead: He hurriedly starts his car, shifts into reverse, and floors the gas, driving into a light pole. Oops! - Indiana Jones Adventure: The queue is full of disabled booby traps, allowing anyone to reach the Chamber of Destiny. The temple is famous for the idol that sends you to the gates of doom if you look into its eyes.
You'd Expect: These people who are so good at disarming booby traps would carefully blindfold the idol.
Instead: They just give the tourists a warning. - A string of commercials for Nowwhat.com insurance company ran in the mid-2000s. One commercial had a young man put in a new air conditioning system in his apartment window.
You'd Expect: That he would make sure it was absolutely secure before using it.
Instead: He's so anxious to use it that he just puts it in by closing the window on it and basks in his coolness...only for it to fall out of his second-story apartment window and onto his car below, destroying them both.- Another commercial had a man about to go on a date and primps himself before he gets out of his car to greet his date.
You'd Expect: That he would do this before getting out.
Instead: He opens the door and primps himself. Predictably, a speeding car goes by and whisks his driver's side door off. - Quite possibly the worst one of them all features a man who has an engagement ring to propose to his girlfriend. He's understandably nervous and drops the ring in the kitchen drain.
You'd Expect: That he would immediately find any way to retrieve the ring (plumber, unhooking the sink, etc.)
Instead: He freezes like a Deer in the Headlights. And it only gets worse from there! His girlfriend sees him peering over the sink and mindlessly asks if the sink is clogged again.
You'd then Expect: For him to say or do anything to distract her from the situation and protect his meaningful (and expensive) goods.
Instead: He sits idly by as she turns on the garbage disposal and shreds up the ring, believing that she "fixed" his problem.
Consolation Prize: They're both kind of stupid and are at least made for each other.
- Another commercial had a man about to go on a date and primps himself before he gets out of his car to greet his date.
- NoPixel: During one scenario, Officer Toretti pulls Kleb and Julio over. When Kleb resists, Toretti puts him in cuffs. Kleb starts calling Julio's name and asking for help.
You'd Expect: Toretti to remember that Kleb and Julio are both in the HOA and have criminal histories, and to cuff Julio for safety's sake. Calling for backup wouldn't hurt, either, since Toretti is alone with the two.
Instead: Toretti only merely asks Julio to step to the side. When Toretti finds drugs on Kleb, and Kleb begs Julio for help, Julio quickly pulls out a knife, stabs Toretti, puts Kleb (still in cuffs) back into their car, and they book it out of Los Santos well before any cops responding to Toretti's "officer down" signal can arrive. - In Pleasant Goat and Big Big Wolf: Joys of Seasons episode 49, Wolffy carries a bamboo stick with his wife Wolnie's laundry on it, but isn't able to get through a doorway since he has the bamboo facing horizontally.
You'd Expect: Wolffy simply rotates the bamboo stick so that it can fit through the doorway.
Instead: He snaps the bamboo stick in half while it still has Wolnie's shirt on it, ripping it apart. This makes Wolnie mad at Wolffy and causes the plot of the episode since he invents a sewing robot to repair the outfit; he later uses it to try to catch the goats. - In Distractible, Bob suffers a multi-episode series of improbable game losses, caused most prominently by end game wheel spins and many, MANY failed coin tosses. The losing streak gets so bad at one point that Mark eventually hosts an episode literally titled "Bob Wins This Episode," where he rigs the game so that only Bob is winning points, and would ultimately win against Wade.
You'd Expect: Bob to put aside his pride and just take the W that Mark gave him out of mercy so he can finally win and assume the role of hosting after a month-long dry spell.
Instead: Bob sides with Wade's complaint that this was an unfair episode, and agrees to Wade's proposal of having another coin toss to decide the winner.
As a Result: Bob succumbs to Lady Luck once more, fails the coin toss, and yet again loses the episode.
