Gord is a local deity. Very local. He's a regular guy who owns a game store, and that makes him God over that store and its customers. Well, technically no one ever claim that Gord would be a god; it's just that the whole story of how he's running the store and deals with all kinds of moronic customers is written in the form of scripture. The nickname "Gord" helps as well.
"Acts of Gord" is an archive of anecdotes about the Gamer's Edge Video Game shop in Penticton, British Columbia, Canada. Basically, this site is a mix of sarcastic storytelling and a Not Always Right focused on the rise and fall of a single retail establishment.
Acts of Gord provides examples of:
- Animation Age Ghetto: There is one section where this happens. Two children try to rent an anime named Ninja Scroll that, due to its nature, is not a "family film". So thus he has to allow the kids' dad to come in to rent the film and he complains about having to come in "just so they could rent a cartoon". Then he comes back and yells at Gord for renting pornography to his kids.
- Bittersweet Ending: The end of the Apocalypse Book. Despite the victory, Gord hasn't returned to the game-retailer world since, leaving only what's written on the site. On the other hand, Gord seems to be very happy with his new life.
- Blatant Lies: Several examples, but special mention goes to the guy who claimed that he had an arrangement with the store's previous owner where he got all his games at half price. Gord was the founder of his store; there had never been a previous owner. Gord counters with some Blatant Lies of his own by claiming that he is aware of the arrangement and would be happy to honor it, just as soon as the guy pays off the several hundred dollars in (nonexistent) late-fees first.
- Bullying a Dragon: The FIFA kid, who learned the hard way that stealing from, then picking fights with, two guys who are twice your size (and adults) isn't a good idea.
- Canada, Eh?: Mentions the Boxing Day sale a few times, as well as the U.S. dollars/Canadian dollars exchange rate. One story mentions trips across the border to purchase massive quantities of Cherry Coke.
- "Some people's children!"
- "Door's to your left." This is usually preceded by "I'm never shopping here again!"
- Cluster F-Bomb: Oddity — a parent on how the profanity in Grand Theft Auto is a bad thing.
- Comically Missing the Point: "The Gord often wonders why people threaten to never come back after they've been told never to return."
- Curb-Stomp Battle: Gord towards pretty much every thief or jerkass that tries to take him on.
- Cut Himself Shaving: Nearly invoked by the principal when a thief that Gord and a Demi-Gord confronted at School Started bragging that Gord and Demi-Gord were lucky the Principal showed up.
- Dan Browned: Most of the "Proclamations," i.e., "Console Wars" section.
- Deadpan Snarker: The Gord. His stories frequently revolve around mocking or snarking at various people, especially people who try to wrong him.
- Defeat Means Friendship: The Thief from Villainy ch. 3. Gord allowed him to pay (the exorbitantly marked up thief-bait price) for the game he stole, rather than press charges, and the Thief, impressed by Gord's mercy, evidently, became a regular (and proper) customer.
- Didn't Think This Through: "Think, THEN steal. Think, THEN steal." Also, the would-be-thief who used a company van as a getaway vehicle.
- Do Wrong, Right: As detailed in the Book of Villainy: "If you're going to steal games, at least steal good games!" The Gord frequently admonishes would-be thieves both for the act of trying to steal from him, and for stealing something of such low value.
- Extremely Overdue Library Book: Gord rents out games, rather than books, but has a similar problem. A few of his customers are mentioned as keeping a game for so long that Gord simply bills the customer's credit card for the price of the game, as the late fees eventually exceed the cost of the game.
- Face Palm: Each page is illustrated with a facepalming Gord, each with a different complaint about stupid customers. See page illustration above for one example.
- Freak Out: Some customers seem to do this over the tiniest things.
- Gave Up Too Soon: People reading the Acts of Gord seem to have a lot of trouble finding the last book, the Book of Apocalypse, when there is a link in the new words "The End..." on the sidebar of the last "non-hidden" chapter, which one immediately notices if they've been reading all the stories, especially if they've been looking at the sidebar facepalm quotes.
- Get Out!: The usual response to those practicing extreme idiocy or people requesting something illegal.
- A God Am I: The site is written in the style of holy scripture, with "The Gord" as the figure of worship.
- Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Generally speaking, Gord's style, in the manner of Bastard Operator from Hell.
- Insane Troll Logic: Gord has to contend with this on a regular basis. Luckily, since he's the owner of the store, he can get away with frequent amounts of snark and admonishing to anyone who tries it.
- I Resemble That Remark!: In Book of Annoyances, Chapter 23, a reporter asks Gord, the owner of a video game store, for a quote for the front page of the newspaper, pertaining to video game violence and its impact on society. Gord replies, "Video games don't make people more violent, and I'll kill anyone who disagrees." After a dramatic pause, the reporter replies that he doesn't think his editor can print that.
- Morton's Fork: The Gord places the Guardian and the Landlord in this at the end of the Book of Apocalypse. After finding out that the Guardian was going to get Gord's business shut down on fraudulent charges of late rent, the Gord had his friends break into his own store and take everything that wasn't nailed down. The Guardian and the Landlord came back to an empty store the following day, leaving them in this situation. If they do nothing, they lose their jobs over failing to get any assets from the Gord's store. If they report the theft, they still lose their jobs because they'd have to expose their fraud scheme (and would likely go to jail).
- Only Sane Man: Gord and his coworkers seem to be this for the city of Penticton, judging by the huge amount of idiots/lunatics/criminals that come into the store.
- The Quisling: The Guardian. When the Gord was out of town, the Guardian stabbed the Gord in the back and tried to have Gamer's Edge liquidated.
- Schmuck Bait:
- On numerous occasions, Gord would price crappy games higher than they were worth, or place broken hardware in tantalizing places, just to see if someone would steal them.
- Another favorite pastime of Gord's is to take old crappy games and tag them with a sign that says, "Hey, I suck! Buy me!" The author notes with amusement that any game the sign is placed on sells out within a couple of days.
- The most obvious piece of bait was a completely inoperable PS1 complete with a note in place of the laser assembly mockingly "congratulating" would-be thieves on stealing broken PlayStation, which the employees "enshrined" in old PlayStation boxes just outside the store, with a little sign saying "Please don't steal me. You're being watched. -Mgnt." Only one person picked up the console, and quickly set it back down before running off.
- Then there was the broken GameShark that he deliberately positioned to be an incredibly easy target for shoplifters - anyone who stole it and actually used it would get a blown out expansion port for their efforts. The next week saw a sudden influx in consoles needing repaired expansion ports, profit!
- Another was planned involving a booby-trapped GoldenEye 007 cartridge that would destroy any N64 that tried to run it with a 50000 volt electric charge, but the screwdriver set the Gord needed to open it didn't arrive in time.
- Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: The most common ending has the would-be customer/thief storm out of the store.Gord: Door's to your left.
- Second Place Is for Losers:Gord: And the winner of the tournament won the controllers that were opened for the tournament (worth $80), and $20 in cash. Second place was a can of coke and an autographed picture of Gord. Third place was $20.
The Gord likes to remind people that second place is just the first loser.
- So Bad, It's Good: Chronicles 37 gives us the game Fox Hunt which is so bad Gord has wrapped it in masking tape and written "WARNING: DO NOT PLAY" on it. A curious customer takes the game and plays it anyway, and has this reaction.Customer: Gord, this game is so bad it's sweet! Why didn't you tell us about it earlier!
- Stealth Insult: Book of Annoyances, Chapter 3; (The beauty being is that another customer had to explain to the guy what Gord meant.)Gord: I'm sorry, I'm afraid I subscribe to the theory of intellectual osmosis. As such, I must now cease our conversation and move away from you before my intelligence begins to drop. Good day.
- Stealth Pun: When the store was being shut down, it acquired the sign "Closed for taking inventory". Well, yes, the inventory was being removed from the store...
- Taking You with Me: When his store was being closed and robbed, Gord robbed himself.
- That Came Out Wrong:Gord: Talking to a person about being into the hardcore gaming scene is completely different than talking to them about the hardcore anime scene. In future, I must find a new adjective.
And do not, I repeat, do not say "If she is really into the hardcore anime scene, I can get import DVDs from Japan and Hong Kong" when I'm talking to a 14-year-old girl's mother.
Further notation: Do not attempt to salvage this by then saying "I mean, I can get DVDs from Japan that you can't get here."
Next time, say "really likes anime" and "can get DVDs not on sale here yet."
- Third-Person Person: The Gord. He never uses first-person anywhere on the site, only referring to himself as "the Gord" in every entry.
- Too Dumb to Live:
- More than a few of Gord's customers. Special mention goes to the "Hey... FIFA." kid and the guy who used Gord as a work reference despite never working there and having never returned games he rented.
- Also the Guardian's Assistant in the final book, Apocalypse. When a plan to steal all the assets of the (currently overseas) Gord relies ENTIRELY on keeping his friends and contacts from knowing anything strange is going down at Gord's store, bragging to everyone you know that you're planning to steal all of the Gord's assets (and that Gord can't do a damn thing to stop it) probably isn't the smartest plan.
- Troll: Gord is fond of trolling the hell out of people who annoy him enough. To be fair, they pretty much always deserve it. The Book of Victory is probably the best example; specifically when he tricks a truly fucknuts crazy woman into ringing his store number to complain to a nonexistant "Bureau of Video Games and Customer Service" and proceeds to tell her exactly what he thinks of her.
- Unreliable Narrator: Don't take the site too seriously. The Gord is clearly exaggerating a few details for the sake of comedy, and leaving out details to make himself look better. At the same time, he still comes across as humorous enough that it doesn't really matter.
- Unsatisfiable Customer: The Gord gets quite a few of these. A primary source of humor from the tales is Gord being such a Deadpan Snarker that it makes the bad customers even angrier. If a customer ever threatens to sue Gord, shut down his store or beat him up, Gord's default response tends to be calling their bluff.
- What Could Have Been: Gord had planned another thief trap, which was a GoldenEye 007 cartridge that had been horribly mistreated, dirtied and badly cleaned by its past owner. Gord had planned to rig up a load of capacitors that would discharge 50000 volts of electricity, in the same manner as a taser, into the N64 that was unfortunate enough to run it, destroying it from the inside. After setting it up the death cart would have been left on the counter to be stolen. Sadly the plan never came to fruition as the screwdriver set the Gord needed to open the N64 cart didn't arrive in time before he departed overseas.
- Would Not Hit a Girl: In The Book of Villainy, Chapter 9, Gord decides that his Curb-Stomp Battle approach to handling shoplifters won't be the right way to deal with a 15-year-old girl.
- X Days Since: In one of the stories, he comes up with the idea of having an "X days since I've had to deal with an idiot" sign. The idea being that while dealing with an idiot, he would sigh and flip it back to 0, right in front of them. He hoped the customer would be offended enough to leave.
- You Make Me Sic: "The Gord" does this whenever someone gives him a CV. An example (about halfway down).