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Aldrivers, Devourer of Cos

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"Furthermore, even bigger apologies than owed to Thomas Jefferson last time go to Joan Rivers, whom I, for the record, had barely so much as heard of prior to her ERB inclusion."

Aldrivers, Devourer of Cos is a YouTube Poop series made of various clips, mostly from Epic Rap Battles of History and spliced dialogue to create a unique story.

Originally "starting" during the George Carlin vs Richard Pryor battle, Joan Rivers decides to eat Bill Cosby alive instead of knocking him out because he was a criminal. Bill warns her not to because it would set her down a path to evil, but she did not listen and hence, became a power-hungry tyrannical monster who is bent on eating the entire universe with powers stronger than anyone could comprehend. Only a Ragtag Bunch of Misfits can save the world but they are running out of time. Can they succeed before Joan devours the entire universe?

First created by a YouTuber, MolemanNineThousand, who created his own rap battles, which can all be found in this playlist, he decided to make his own story. His test run, ERB YTP: Thomas Jefferson Reveals the Truth, Inciting Frederick Douglass to Take Drastic Measures was to see how his audience would react to such content. Seeing it was ok, he proceeded to start the series, the named Aldrivers, Devourer Of Cos. Consisting of eight main chapters plus a bonus installment used to announce the finale after a lengthy hiatus, the series has been completed as of September 2023.

They all can be viewed in this list:

He has also created the scripts which can be found on this list:

Needless to say, this is Not Safe for Work. Or for Home. Or Period.

Aldrivers, Devourer Of Cos contains examples of:

1. A buttocks and/or anus belonging to a person who has committed acts of genocide.
("Take your genocidal ass off of my bridge")
2. A buttocks and/or anus that is specifically, physically utilized as an instrument with which acts of genocide are performed.
("I'll bury you with diarrhea from my genocidal ass")
  • Prequel: ERB YTP: Thomas Jefferson Reveals the Truth, Inciting Frederick Douglass to Take Drastic Measures. Word of God has stated that because the Doctor is in prison offscreen, he is unable to time-travel to stop Joan with said powers.
  • Pre-Mortem One-Liner: There are many throughout the series:
    Fredrick Douglass: (to Jane Randolph Jefferson, though it was directed at Thomas Jefferson as a fetus) This ain't rape baby. I mean I'm literally gonna fire a bullet right up your vagina.
    Joan Rivers: (to Bill Cosby) I've already made up my mind, so beg all you want, but you'll still fucking get eaten; in fact, I'm about to rip your sweaty ballsack out through your slimy asshole with my teeth, put 'em in my mouth, and swallow at Christmas time like SNL!
    Joan Rivers: (to George Carlin) Oh, shut up and just die already!
    Joan Rivers: (to Sir Issac Newton. Played With in that she actually was going to eat Bill Nye, not Issac Newton) Well, not before I make your buddy over here the second Bill in my tummy; I doubt you're gonna enjoy watching the guy Bill Nye die, but that's just too bad!
    Issac Newton: (to Joan Rivers) I got you now, you scum of the Earth; your head is right in my laser sights, and my automatic laser weapon target's locked to blow your brain to mush…!note 
    Joan Rivers: (to Sir Issac Newton) Yes, it's true: at this point, I'm like something out of Resident Evil, but scarier; You're trying to battle with the new capital G O single D! I'm gonna enjoy devouring your heart, and you ought to know: this will not be over quickly.
    Joan Rivers: (to Elon Musk) Nice try, dope-smoking frog-face, but at this point, running me over with your self-driving truck couldn't keep my infinite number of razor-sharp teeth from sinking into your flesh, so let me end you real slow and painful like I was Joan Rivers, because honestly, at this point, no one else in history compares to my sheer monstrous cruelty: you're going to wish you were unconscious when I bite your dick off piece by tiny little piece!
    Tony Hawk: (to The heroic Badass Crew) That's right; it's time to have some fun, and by "fun", I mean "committing mass murder", so which of you fools is gonna catch 99 bullets to the brain right off the bat?... Believe me: this will hurt a lot less than getting melted, so call this mercy!note 
    Tony Hawk: (to Bill) It's time to die, kid. Let me say something first: what I'm about to do to your stupid little eye socket… I'm gonna enjoy it very, very much! Any last words?
    Tony Hawk: (to The heroic Badass Crew) …That's one ugly dog put down, and now it's time to clean house. You think you're protected with that tiny shield? Let's see how good it is at keeping this away from your flesh: Ooh…note 
    Tony Hawk: (to Batman) Hiya, Wayne!… And buh-bye, Wayne! You used to have guts, but now you're disemboweled, so it's time to finish this bitch like I finished all the others! … Time to die, Bruce… It's gonna really, really, really hurt. My cock will burrow in your ear, through your brains, and out the other ear!note 
    Ted: (to Tony Hawk) It's over, Hawk; I've got your throat! Nine hundred degree neck-twist!note 
    Ted: (to Tony Hawk) Oooooh, actually, you know, I'm glad you're still alive, so I can fix that properly like this…!
    Freddie Jupiter: (to the Slaves of the Church of the Tupperware) Mama, I confess: I'm about to kill a whole lot of men with my oversized bare hands!
    Tolkien: (to Slaves of the Church of the Tupperware) Take that! Keep lining up, you cocksuckers!
    Tolkien: (to Slaves of the Church of the Tupperware) C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing how all of you pieces of shit shall not stop us from passing through your asses like diarrhea and to your horrible master in the top tower!
    C.S. Lewis: (to [[spoiler:Caitlyn Jenner) FUCKERS!
    Hannibal: (to Slaves of the Church of the Tupperware) I'm the bon vivant of violence; a licensed psychiatrist who dines on highest society to the sound of violins, but these maniacs are the lowest society anyone's ever seen, so instead, I dine on their stupid assholes to the sound of CrazyBus!
    Julia Child: (to Ash Ketchum) Indeed; you've done fucked with the wrong chef! Now eat shit and die, bitch!
    Mahatma Gandhi: to (Wendy) Kentucky Fried Chicken sends their regards, BITCH!note .
    Mahatma Gandhi: to (Wendy) Query; where's the beef? Answer: Nowhere.
    Julia Child: (To George R. R. Martin) When it comes to destroying you, there's one F-word: frag grenade up the butt!
    C.S. Lewis: (to Napoleon Bonermight) How dare you say that kind of shit; everyone knows that God is a lion! For worshipping Joan, you must die, so eat plasma, fucker!note .
    Ted: (to Napoleon Bonermight) You Are Already Dead.
    Joan Rivers: (to Gandhi) Hahahahahaha, you getting ate up! You should've battled me on Ramadan, but actually, even on Ramadan, you'd still fucking get ate up, because I respect no religions except for my own, and now let me end you like Māui in Māori mythology; look it up!
    Joan Rivers: (to Donald Trump) Oh, I'm inhuman, alright, but I ain't horny; I'm hungry: for you, Donald Trump! You're fired!
    Joan Rivers: (to Markiplier) Oooh, what's that; a yummy wild Markiplier? Don't mind if I do!
  • Present-Day Past: Wendy’s Twitter post is posted on September 11, 2001 where she announced (among other things) that she was behind the plane attacks on the World Trade Center towers. However, Twitter was invented in 2006.
  • Punch-Clock Hero: Stan Lee's here to save the world for about the hundred millionth time.
  • Race Against the Clock: The heroes don't have much time to stop Joan from eating everyone and recreating the universe.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: George Carlin delivers an outright vicious one to Joan Rivers when she asks him for his last words;
    George Carlin: Screw you, you man-eating cunt; you'll never be a god! Your sex jokes are as funny as Amy Schumer raping Adam Sandler with a strap-on in a concentration camp! You call yourself a dark lord? You couldn't even conquer a man who comes from a higher ground!
  • Remember the New Guy?: Subverted. Since Thomas Jefferson was erased from existence, the face that replaced him on Mount Rushmore was Alexander Hamilton.
  • Religion of Evil: The Church of the Tupperware is a suicide cult founded by Joan Rivers to provide herself with worshippers that would serve as slaves, and then eventually as food.
  • Ret-Gone: The Doctor helps Fredrick Douglass go back in time to prevent Thomas Jefferson from being born.
  • Sacrificial Lamb: Bill S. Preston, who is largely Out of Focus throughout most of the setup and dies early in the first major battle against Tony Hawk.
  • Sacrificial Lion: Batman, who dies at the end of said sequence after managing to put up a considerable fight and inspiring Ted to continue fighting on with his last words.
  • Series Continuity Error: In Chapter 7, one of the many minions of Joan Rivers who got gunned down was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and yet in Chapter 8, he shows up as one of the reinforcements to defeat Joan Rivers. Moleman would acknowledge this error here and rewrote "Mozart's" previous appearance as an Identical Stranger named "Blozart".
  • Shout-Out: The name of the series is a reference to "Aldrich, Devourer of Gods", and considering that like said character, Joan is a psychopath that consumed the flesh of sentient beings in order to gain power and mutated into a Lovecraftian monster as a result, it’s an apt comparison.
  • Shown Their Work: A lot of the sentence-mixing is comedy-based. However, most of them are actually based off actual events or media.
  • Suicide Dare:
    • Ash Ketchum sacrifices his Pikachu to Joan Rivers by ordering him to "use suicide."
    • Batman, dangerously close to crossing the Despair Event Horizon and about to take his own life, angrily tells Bill and Ted to hang themselves before he kicks their faces off.
    • When Gandhi gets fed up with Tory's insistence on joining the team, he tells the latter to go to Africa and "get all of the AIDS, right now."
    • When fighting Napoleon Bonermight, Ted at one point says this;
    Ted: Stop humiliating yourself! Don't keep fighting, just give up! You should totally make like some Nazi leaders that are better men than you and put my gun in your mouth!
    • Hannibal Lecter expresses his distaste for Tory by telling him to ride his bicycle off a cliff.
    • Joan tells Mozart that if she wasn't going to wipe everyone out herself, she'd tell him that he should turn the forty one percent note  into the hundred percent.
    • Joan defeats Ronald McDonald/'Moon Man' by telling him to kill himself, arguing that despite him being a white supremacist, ripping off Ray's style technically makes him a black person.
    • Joan gets this herself from Walt Disney shortly afterwards when he has his forces spell out 'KYS'.
    Walt Disney: You know what I said.
  • This Cannot Be!: Joan's reaction to the appearance of Robin Williams:
    Joan Rivers: No! You can't be here; you're dead! YOU'RE DEAD!!!
  • To the Pain: Donald Trump describes in rather graphic detail what he wants done to R. Kelly. More specifically, he wants to boycott him, burn every record in his discography, attack him within his own living room, beat him within one inch of his life, castrate him, rip out his eyes and teeth, chop off all of his toes and fingers one by one, tear out all four of his limbs and remake Johnny Got His Gun, hang him from a tree, bring the Statue of Liberty to life like in Ghostbusters II and stomp his corpse into a million little pieces, piss on them all, and add insult to injury by having Nickelback write a hit song for the next Space Jam movie instead of him.
  • Token Evil Teammate:
  • Uncertain Doom: It’s unclear if Bill O'Riley or Jeff Bezos survived the events of the series or not. The first disappears before Elon Musk's broadcast, and the second is only briefly shown in a vision Joan Rivers conjures up to show J.R.R. Tolkien how "The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power" would tarnish his legacy.
  • Undignified Death:
    • While most members of the Church of the Tupperware merely got gunned down, George R.R. Martin met his end when Julia Child shoved a frag grenade up his butt. Martin had just enough time to panic before exploding into bloody chunks.
    • Unlike with other characters, Joan doesn’t bother trying to eat Thor, probably due to him being a minifigure, so she stomps him flat with her bare foot instead.
  • Unexplained Recovery: ERB's actual battles take place in a narrative vacuum, but can reasonably be interpreted as facilitated through some form of afterlife and/or time-travel. Warping them all together into a feature-length narrative with apocalyptic stakes and evidently set in the present day, however, renders the presence of long-dead individuals as this trope, with several people's actual deaths even specifically referenced as past events. This is pointed out by Robin Williams near the end when Joan (who herself died around the same time as he did in reality) calls it out in regards to him.
    Robin Williams: Dude, most of the characters in this whole series are dead, but you don't see us whining about it all the time, now do you?
  • Ungrateful Bastard: As Hannibal lampshades, none of the protagonists feel any gratitude towards Tory for providing them with essential backup.
  • Vagina Dentata: Something that a real woman can do. Actually, only Joan can do it, but it's not her fault that the other women failed at growing teeth.
  • Verbal Tic: Joan often says "At this point", Stan Lee describes various characters as being "One part _ and the other part _", and Tolkien says "C.S. Lewis and I were just discussing".
  • Villainous Glutton: Exaggerated with Joan Rivers, who wants to eat all life in the universe.
  • Villain Respect: Al Capone respects Walt Disney and his empire, saying that Walt runs an even more intricate and ruthless criminal syndicate than he does.
  • We Hardly Knew Ye:
  • Wendigo: Joan Rivers is essentially an extreme version of this with her increasingly inhuman cannibalism-perpetuated evolution. At one point, she's even depicted with the body of an advanced, three-headed form from Fallout 76.
  • You Are Already Dead: Napoleon Bonermight's death is a direct recreation of the trope namer, complete with the line itself.
  • You Monster!: This is what Fredrick thinks of Thomas Jefferson upon hearing about his actions that are crimes against humanity.
    Fredrick Douglass: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHERFUCKING EVIL RACIST MOTHERFUCKER!
  • Your Head A-Splode: This happens to Austin Powers, Wendy, and Napoleon Bonermight (with the former two via a Boom, Headshot!).
  • Your Mom: Trump, at a loss for a plan, jokes about feeding "your mother" to Joan, calling her so fat that the latter would probably never finish eating her, which Ted objects to despite describing Bill's mom as an "ugly hag", only for Trump to specify that he wasn't talking about Bill's mom.
  • You're Insane!: Bill Nye wants to know who would ever worship someone as insane as Joan Rivers.

 
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Joan's corpse body double

By the way, that body double our heroes destroyed actually killed some of their comrades earlier.

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