In April 2013, Rebecca Martinson - a student at the University of Maryland and board member of the Delta Gamma sorority chapter - sent a blistering email to her sorority sisters excoriating their inability to participate in Greek Week activities (particularly: those involving their "matchup" fraternity, Sigma Nu) to the satisfaction of the board. F-bombs were flung with abandon, capitalization was abused, and feelings were stomped flat with extreme prejudice.
As emails often do, this one got out into the wild, and went viral. You can read a copy (with Martinson's name changed) here.
It wasn't long before celebrity dramatic readings started popping up. First out of the gate was Attack of the Show! alumnus Alison Haislip (via PopHangover, seen right top), who brought the appropriate levels of piss, vinegar, and hormones. Days later, Funny Or Die recruited Michael Shannon (right bottom) to put HIS spin on the email. Like all things Shannon, it was...dark. And odd.
This email provides examples of:
- All Guys Want Sorority Women: Averted, in Martinson's eyes - it's the reason she put her sisters on blast.
- Alpha Bitch
- Brutal Honesty: At least, in Martinson's not-so-humble opinion...
- Cluster F-Bomb
- Country Matters: Used in conjunction with the verb "punt."
- It's All About Me: Martinson views herself as the sole arbiter of "proper" Delta Gamma behavior.
- Not Safe for Work: You're just now figuring that out?
- The email is actually instructive for people who need to learn more curse words. Wow.
- Oh Wait!"Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh Wait!, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR."
- Punctuated! For! Emphasis!"First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO."
- Let's not forget this nugget:"I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team."
- Let's not forget this nugget:
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: @umd.edu
- Refuge in Audacity
- Shout-Out: Bette Davis' classic "Fasten your seat belts" line from All About Eve is invoked in the very first paragraph:"...tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride."
- Trash Talk
- Unstoppable Rage/Rage Breaking Point
- Up to Eleven: Are you kidding? Martinson speeds past Eleven at Ludicrous Speed
- Wangst: Invoked verbally when Martinson anticipates some of her sisters' responses."'But Rebecca!', you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, 'I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?' NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T."