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aka: The Unbiased History Of Rome

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A channel not for learning history... but to indulge in the sheer madness of it
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Unbiased History is a web animation series by Dovahhatty, which started with Rome on May 22, 2019. In spite of the name, it actually is blatantly biased towards particular factions for laughs, sometimes even reinterpreting entire events in their favor. The entire Rome series can be watched in chronological order here, and Dovah is currently working on a mini-series on the Byzantine Empire up to Heraclius' war with the Sassanids.


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Contains examples of:

  • The Ace: Some of the rulers that were regarded by contemporary historians as among the best really stick out in this manner.
    • Julius Caesar, in spite of being in the Populares faction that Hatty didn't look fondly towards, was portrayed as taking part there out of necessity. His popularity with soldiers and his successful campaign in Gaul earned him the ire of Senators, including Cato the Younger who sabotaged any attempts at compromise. Caesar then won the ensuing civil war between him and Pompey, and even bested his most valuable general Labienus to close out said war.
    • Amongst the Five Good Emperors, Trajan is a standout not only for being well-regarded even by Christiansnote , but also bringing the Roman Empire to its greatest extent, stretching from Britain to Babylon. While there were uprisings towards the end, his accomplishments were considered the zenith of the empire. His feats were such that a common prayer among senators was "May he be luckier than Augustus and better than Trajan" for each successive Emperor.
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    • In The Crisis of the Third Century, Aurelian has assumed his reign in one of Rome's darkest moments, when not only the G*rms, Goths, Sassanids and the Cyprian Plague caused a lot of destruction, but the Gallic and Palmyrene Empires had split away from Rome. He donned the mask of Sol Invictus and went to work, dealing not only with the Barbarians but also with the splinter empires that threaten Rome's existence, all in five years. Unfortunately, Praetorian Guards assassinated him just before he could launch an offensive against the Sassanids.
    • Constantine learned well from his years fighting alongside the Tetrarchy, and carried on fighting off Barbarian hordes after his father Constantius died and he became a Western Caesar. With a new Civil War picking up upon the Tetrarchy falling apart, he used the newfound Chi-Rho sign as a means of not only bringing his men to victory, but work towards the use of Christianity as a civilizing force of the Romans. He had the Praetorian Guard abolished after several generations of corruption, reunited the empire after defeating treacherous elements of the east, and built a new capital for the empire that would last over a thousand years unconquered. For these reasons and more, history remembers him as Constantine the Great.
  • Adaptational Heroism:
    • The abduction of Helen of Troy and the rape of the Sabine women become Helen kidnapping Paris and the Sabine women raping the Roman men.
    • Roman mythology has Romulus end up killing Remus or one of his supporters doing it. Here, Remus is pushed off the city wall by a disguised barbarian and Romulus puts him out of his misery.
  • All Women Are Lustful: Particularly the Barbarian (or otherwise non-Roman) kind towards Romans. For example, there was the rape by the Sabine womennote , Boudica revolted against the Romans because she's denied sex with themnote , and Cleopatra had the hots for Julius Caesar for her mind control magic on Mark Anthony. Roman women weren't immune to this either, and it became a big problem around the rule of Caesar Augustus, even within his own family.
  • Always Chaotic Evil:
    • The G*rms are portrayed as this; unlike the other barbarians they're uncivilizable and always seek to destroy civilization, betraying any Roman foolish enough to ally with them.
    • Initially the Greeks were treated as a bunch of neaderthal-like barbarians who hated civilization, but they ultimately grow out of this trope in favor of the G*rms, being virgins and wojacks with the occasional chad in the mix.
    • For much of Rome's history, the Parthians had been a thorn to Rome's side, but Rome was able to roll through them multiple times that they were reduced to a weak, ineffectual state before a dark force emerged from the shadows towards the end of the Severan Dynasty. From the ashes of the old Parthian Empire emerged the Sassanids, which were portrayed as subjects of dark magic about as sadistic and treacherous as the G*rms.
    • Even the G*rms and the Sassanids shudder at the imminent arrival of the Huns. And when they themselves appeared, they were every bit as fearful as expected... until Attila talked with Pope Leo and they were revealed as a race of Spurdo Spärdes when convinced attacking Rome really wasn't what they wanted anyway.
  • Anachronism Stew: Slavs are depicted as Gopniks, complete with the stereotypical wardrobe of tracksuits and baseball caps.
  • Appeal to Audacity: Elagabalus' hedonistic and over-sexed activities are depicted as him trying to get the attention of everyone in order to address the degeneracy problem and get the plebs' attention to understand the nature of Sol Invictus.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: During his occupation of Antioch, Koshrow I slaughters civilians, destroys much of the city, enslaves tens of thousands, and holds rigged chariot races.
  • Art Shift: While the people are consistently represented by meme characters, the background can consistently shift between a one-color background with simplistic art and/or stock images and backgrounds assembled in Minecraft and Skyrim.
  • Asshole Victim: Most emperors killed by the corrupt Praetorian Guard are portrayed as Chads, even more notorious ones like Caligula, but some like Pupeinus and Balbinus and to a lesser extent Geta are portrayed as lousy Virgin emperors so their deaths are no real loss.
  • Author Avatar: Dovahhatty is portrayed in the video as an overlord-type character clad entirely in purple.
  • Badass Family: While there are some exceptions, characters depicted as Chads are likely to have their relatives also depicted as Chads. Notable examples are the Julio-Claudian dynasty (with few exceptions like Tiberius and Claudius), the Vespasians and the father-son duo of Valerian and Gallienus.
  • Bait-and-Switch: To begin the Punic Wars:
    Dovahhatty: Today, we'll discuss one of the worst barbarian races ever to plague the earth, a group of merchants who migrated across the Levant many years ago, [a silhouette appears to give the appearance of the Happy Merchant] deceitfully manipulating others to further their greedy interests. You know what I'm talking about. [the silhouette reveals itself as two Punics making poses to appear like the silhouette] Punics!
  • Beethoven Was an Alien Spy:
    • Cleopatra and Queen Zenobia are depicted as reincarnations of Dido, seeking vengeance on the Trojan-descended Rome for being rejected by Aeneas.
    • Caligula's A God Am I delusions are interpreted as him actually becoming a god due to his sickness, with his sister Julia's death caused by her body failing from receiving the same apotheosis.
    • While major Roman enemies like the G*rms are still portrayed as human, Ardashir and his descendants are demon lords who create their heirs with dark rituals and laying eggs.
    • The Huns have assumed a lichlike appearance, and Attila himself used the powers of sorcery, one of which causing earthquakes in Constantinople which necessitated the rush to repair the Theodosian Walls.
  • Berserk Button:
    • Cato had such a deep-seated anger towards Carthage's very existence (even while still a fetus) that he ended his statements in "Carthago delenda est"note .
    • Hadrian despised any lack of Roman civilization. A later one got pressed after he loses his favorite twink on a fishing trip in Egypt, then Bar Kokhba led a revolt in Judea. He was in no mood to talk, and sent twelve legions to utterly flatten Judea.
    • Even while he couldn't get his brother Geta's affection in return, suggest that Caracalla murdered Geta at your own peril. Several plebs and the whole city of Alexandria learned that the hard way.
    • Valentinian hated G*rms so much, he actually had to restrain himself while still launching punitive campaigns. Their openly defying the terms of his treaty sent him into a rage that unsettled the Chad Palatini Guard and scared the G*rms. Just as he killed some in rage and started to throttle the remaining two, the anger became so much he popped a blood vessel in his brain.
  • Black Comedy: The whole series to be exact, with certain moments, such as the destruction of Carthage, Caesar's conquest of Gaul, and Hadrian's suppression of Judea, are shown like a musical montage in particular.
  • Bookends: The series begins and ends with "A dream to purge this rotten world of the barbarians that infested it! A dream called Rome."
  • Butt-Monkey:
    • In the Second Triumvirate, Lepidus was relegated to this role compared to Octavian and Mark Antony. He was denied a governing role in Hispania, largely watching paint dry in Africa. After Octavian reclaimed the islands from Sextus Pompey, Lepidus did try to claim Sicily for himself, only to be quickly denied and kicked out of the Triumvirate. He lived out the rest of his days as Pontifex Maximus, doing nothing as he did before.
    • Before he became emperor, Claudius was subject to some humiliations in his life, but such is life for Uncle Claudius. Even as he became emperor and did as good a job as a non-Chad can get, this misfortune still can show.
    • The same is true for Dioclecian's Co-Emperor Maximian, who despite being his equal in theory, in practice, he is portrayed as an absolutely failure in everything he does, be it his failed invasion of Britannia, or the persecution of Christians, not to mention that he has an ugly bust.
  • Camp Gay: While many elite Romans (especially Hadrian) were portrayed as Manly Gay, Emperors Elagabalus and Constans were more effeminate. Elagabalus used the flamboyant display and debauched acts as a means of preaching of Sol Invictus, while Constans was portrayed as an Ideal GF like the twinks before him.
  • Catchphrase "AVE MEEE!" for any usurper, typically unsuccessful ones who quickly get dispatched by Chad emperors.
  • Censored for Comedy: The more degenerate groups were given this treatment, including the G*uls, Etr*scans and especially the G*rmsnote . C*mmodus also got this treatment, a mark of DH's disdain for him.
  • Chaos Is Evil: G*rms and other tribes portrayed as Always Chaotic Evil are often shown venerating chaos and chaotic beings.
  • Charles Atlas Superpower: Julian.
  • Children Are Innocent: Despite being portrayed as a Virgin, Romulus Augustus didn't do anything too awful. He was just a little kid made a Puppet King who had the misfortune of being the last Western Emperor when the G*rms finally overran the empire.
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: Dovah noted from their very inception that the Praetorian Guard never stays loyal for very long. They would inevitably become Virgin and assassinate an emperor over a missed payment or as a simple power grab.
  • Cincinnatus: quite literally.
  • Cold-Blooded Torture
    • Shapur ends up humiliating and torturing Emperor Valerian for years when imprisoned. When he asks to capitulate just so he can see his son, Shapur flays him alive and puts his corpse on display. When his successor asks the Romans to be magnanimous in victory Dicoletian uses Valerian as an example for why he has no right to say so.
    • The fate of Aurelian's assassins is to be brutally tortured for the severity of killing arguably the best emperor. It only stops when they need to use the food keeping them alive for more important manners, though one soldier suggests they could feed them their own shit.
  • Composite Character: While the Zeno who was a general who fought against Attila and the one who became Emperor were two different people, Unbiased History combines both of them into a single figure (it doesn't help both of them were Isaurians).
  • Control Freak: Hadrian micromanaged affairs throughout the empire. At one moment he appeared out of a toilet to tell a civilized Gaul to get back to work.
  • Dehumanization:
    • Many groups who are not Roman were portrayed as degenerates, sometimes even borderline Neanderthalic early on, and later portrayals typically have them as Virgins, Wojaks or variants thereof.
    • Even among non-Romans, the G*rms and the Sassanids are portrayed as evil daemons seeking to destroy all civilization in the name of their chaos gods, not to mention that, unlike regular barbarians such as Gauls, they are uncivilizable.
  • Depraved Homosexual: Invoked by Elgabalus, who acts like a depraved and slutty bottom so he can get the plebs' attention and explain his new religion.
  • Destination Defenestration: The topic of The Defenestrations of Prague, where the Chad Hussites throw the Virgin Papists out of windows. Though eventually a Chad Jan Masaryk was thrown out his own window by Czechoslovak communists shortly after World War II.
  • Dirty Communists: The plebbery amongst Romans was portrayed in this manner, and actual communists were portrayed as Virgins that tossed Czechoslovak foreign minister Jan Masaryk out the window.
  • Distinctive Appearances: The historical figures are typically represented by various imageboard characters:
    • The Chads are typically used to represent the Patricians, elite soldiers and favorable leaders of Rome. They have also been used for their Trojan forebears, the inhabitants of Alba Longa and an occasional non-Roman such as Hannibal (as the gods felt the Romans needed a challenge after the first Punic War) and Josephus (a Jewish historian who favored the empire and became a citizen).
    • Wojaks are used to represent the plebs and an occasional leader. They have also been used to fill in for various non-Romans, often with varying attributes such as an evil grin for the G*rms. Groups such as the Samnites and (initially) the Gauls are the corrupted variants thereof.
    • Virgins are used to represent weak-willed/disloyal military men and senators on the Roman side, as well as some unflattering rulers. Among non-Romans, they fill in for the various Greekoids.
    • Grugs are used for the less-civilized Barbarians, especially early on when the Greeks were portrayed in this manner before becoming Virgins. Even into the Byzantine era they were used to portray Isaurians, a reflection of them being seen as a backward mountain people at the time.
    • A Celtic variation of Norf F.C.snote  is used exclusively for the Britons, right down to the way they talk.
    • A couple times, Happy Merchants were used to represent Jews, although most tend to usually be depicted as Wojaks who only share the Merchant nose. Same with Josephus, only in Chad form.
    • Spurdo Spärde is used for elephants and flies, though he also represented Labienus (to make him "le benis") as well as nomadic tribes such as the Iazyges, Sarmatians, Huns (after meeting Pope Leo) and Khazars.
    • Women who are not Wojaks are portrayed as the Ideal GF, although in this case they are also used for the twinks for certain Patricians.
    • The Freedom Ain't Free bear is sometimes used to represent some figures such as the historian Cassius Dio and the Tetrarch Galerius, complete with the way they talk.
  • Double Standard: While the show claims to be unbiased, Dovahatty holds many. For example, massacres of Romans by non-Romans are portrayed as utterly heinous, while massacres of non-Romans by Romans are often glorified.
  • Driven by Envy: A number of Praetorian betrayals are depicted as being down to jealousy at the emperor, such as Cassius Chaerea who felt his masculinity threatened by Caligula being a Chad
  • Driven to Suicide: As in Roman history a number of Roman figures kill themselves. The most somber example is Diocletiannote , who hangs himself in despair after witnessing the Tetrarchy he worked so hard on fall apart.
  • Dude Looks Like a Lady: Many twinks are portrayed as Ideal GFs.
  • Early Installment Weirdness:
    • Earlier episodes were shorter and had a more simplistic background design. It was around the Julius Caesar episode where episodes started to reach a half hour and incorporate backgrounds based from Minecraft and Skyrim. Even slightly earlier, background music was starting to get used more often.
    • Due to the beginning starting with Trojan and early Roman mythology, Greeks were treated as almost Always Chaotic Evil and caveman-ish. By the time of the Caesars they're treated on more neutral terms as Virgins/Wojaks (with the occasional Chad), while groups like the Gauls and especially the G*rms get Rome and Dovahhatty's antipathy.
  • Epic Fail: Two moments in particular made Dovah borrow the Bibulus Award from Historia Civilis. The first occurred when the namesake failed to blockade Julius Caesar's crossing of the Adriatic Sea, and died in his attempt at doing so. Nine episodes later, Constantine II lusted for the entire Roman Empire, and was threatening war with Constans unless he handed over all of Africa. When Constans refused to hand over Carthage, Constantine II followed through on his threat before being ambushed and killed in Aquileia
  • Establishing Series Moment: The very first line in the very first video establishes what's in store for the History of Rome:
    Dovah: There once was a dream...a dream to purge this rotten world of the barbarians that infested it! A dream called Rome.
  • Even Evil Can Be Loved: "Evil" is a bit of a stretch, but Geta is portrayed as a bratty asshole who doesn't like his brother Caracalla. Still, Caracalla mourns his assassination and is set off by anything that insults his memory or claims he killed him (the latter being what actually happened).
  • Even Evil Has Loved Ones: Played with regarding the Vandal king Gelimer. While he mourns his younger brother's death in battle against Belisarius, Dovah insists he was mainly upset that such a major evildoer had died and the world was a better place.
  • Evil Mentor: Livia is depicted as this to Agrippina the Younger, with Livia teaching Agrippina the Younger "how a Roman viper should get ahead in life".
  • Eviler Than Thou: The G*rms and later Sassanids are portrayed as fearsome and evil foes of the Romans, however they end up fearing and are overshadowed by the Huns. That is, until Pope Leo convinces them to stop their attack, leading to most of them being Spurdo Sparde.
  • Face–Heel Turn:
    • Brutus' betrayal of Julius Caesar is portrayed as this since unlike most betrayers, he's a Chad but eventually ends up being convinced by the corrupt senate to kill him. He eventually realizes he screwed up and is Driven to Suicide.
    • Organization-wide, the Praetorians start as competent and loyal Chads during Augustus' reign. Come Sejanus' influence and they become increasingly corrupt Virgins. Even when they're purged with competent new members replacing them like during Septimius Severus' reign, they soon fall back into Chronic Backstabbing Disorder.
    • At first, Licinius assisted Constantine in defeating Maximinus Daia. Then after being victorious and maintaining hold of the eastern half of the Roman Empire, he turned on Constantine, with his hair curling up to form Horns of Villainy.
  • The Faceless:
    • When Aurelian is onscreen, there's never a good look above his nose, and where he's fully visible, he's wearing the mask of Sol Invictus.
    • The Huns had a lichlike appearance where their faces aren't seen... before the talk with Pope Leo revealed them as Spurdo Spärdes.
    • King Arthur and Mordred's face are also shadowed.
  • A Family Affair: Attempted by Fausta, who attempts to seduce her step-son Crispus however he rejects his advances. Unfortunately she accuses him of rape and Constantine is forced to execute him because of it.
  • False Rape Accusation: The controversy surrounding Fausta and Crispus that led to Constantine Offing the Offspring is depicted as her accusing him of raping her when he rejected her advances. After the execution Constantine is enraged and has Fausta executed for doing so.
  • The Farmer and the Viper: Drusus's attempt to raise a civilized G*rm results in Arminius (his brother Flavus, who stayed loyal to Rome, is Adapted Out).
  • Fat Bastard:
    • Tarquinius Superbus' son Sextus was portrayed as one, and his rape of Lucretia proved to be the last straw that angered Romans enough to overthrow the monarchy and start the Republic.
    • In the Year of Four Emperors, Vitellius was a fat, lazy guardsman who spent a great deal of his post eating and partying at great expense. He convinced his colleagues to rebel against Galba, and had an army sent southward by the time Galba was replaced by Otho. After the latter committed suicide, he proclaimed himself emperor, planning to rape Sporus in a brutal gladiatorial display before the latter committed suicide to deny this. Many Eastern governors were disgusted with the idea of a him being Emperor and spending a lot of money to feed his gluttony, and eventually he was beheaded and thrown into the Tiber River, making way for Vespasian.
  • Fate Worse than Death: Diocletian detested the Praetorian Guard and their habitual tendency to turn on their employers, and upon consolidating his rule alongside Maximian, he relegated them to guarding an irrelevant fort near the Milvian Bridge as a more fitting and humiliating punishment than putting them to death. That proved to not be enough, so Constantine wound up having the post abolished.
  • Flies = Evil: Domitian's habit of pinning flies is explained as him knowing they were up to no good, which he's proven right when Berenice uses a fly to kill Titus with a fever.
  • Football Hooligans: True to their portrayal as Norf F.C.s, the Britons had at more than one occasion had conversations which amounted to "Londinium F.C." "Nonce, Eburacum City".
  • Foreshadowing:
    • Romulus and Julia Drusilla have visions of the future where they cry out "Aurelian .... no" before they die, foreshadowing how the "Crisis of the Third Century" episode has the Praetorians kill Aurelian after he saved the Roman Empire from collapse.
    • "Imperial Wrath" has the the G*rms and the Sassanids either act in response to some threat from the east or mention said threat in passing. These are references to the Huns, well before their formal introduction at the end of "Barbarians at the Gates".
    • “The Roman Mythology” has a Virgin with a chad-like body push Remus off the Roman walls, killing him. He turns out to be a time-travelling Orestes acting until Attila’s orders, as revealed in “The Fall of Rome”.
    • After Attila fails to take Constantinople in “The Fall of Rome”, he draws a reverse chi-rho on a tree. That same symbol causes Anastasius I to fall under Satan’s control in “The Eastern Empire”.
    • In "Imperial Wrath", when Procopius' rebellion is crushed, Dovah states that he is "unfortunately not the last Procopius we'd hear from". That reference turns out to refer to the historian Procopius, who is portrayed as jealous in his writing of a "Secret History" of Justinian's reign.
    • "Madness and Devils" has the camera briefly hover over Medina, complete with a Scare Chord, before hovering over to Yemen.
  • Freudian Excuse: Constantius II had a notoriously dim view of humanity derived from his upbringing by Fausta.
  • God-Emperor: Caligula's god delusions are depicted as him becoming an actual god from his illness, complete with gaining purple eyes. And while Elagabalus isn't a god, per se, he is treated like a divine being due to his devotion to Sol Invictus.
  • Greed: Some of the assassinations are about wanting money and bribes, notably Pertinax who gets killed because he couldn't bribe the Praetorian Guard, who then put the position of emperor up for auction in order to get the money they want.
  • Grievous Harm with a Body: Diocletian was so furious with the Sassanids' request that the Romans be "magnanimous in victory" that he beat all of Narseh's minion's to death with Valerian's skeletal remains.
  • Heartbroken Badass: Hadrian becomes severely depressed after his lover Antinous drowns himself and never fully recovers.
  • Heel–Face Turn:
    • As a whole, the Greeks. Initially portrayed as barbarians and Always Chaotic Evil, they mellow out over the course of the series and by the time of the Roman Empire they're usually just Virgins, Wojaks, or ideal GF twinks. There's even the occasional Greek Chad.
    • Surprisingly, Atilla the Hun and his cohorts(excluding some allies like Odoacer) go from an almost lich-like force of death and destruction to Spurdo Sparde after a talk with Pope Leo, where they go home and Atilla dies partying. Though this isn't that different from what actually happened.
  • Heroic Comedic Sociopath: Despite a Historical Hero Upgrade regarding his brother, Caracalla is still portrayed as Ax-Crazy, killing thousands of plebs for being a bad influence on Geta or claiming he killed him, and slaughters the Parthians he was supposed to have a marriage with.
  • Historical Badass Upgrade
    • In-universe example in the Previously On… segment in the Severan Dynasty video that's otherwise more accurate to real history than Dovah's Gladiator retelling, where Commodus is a Chad who was a stud in the Colosseum instead of it being a ridiculous spectacle like in real life. Dovahhatty then ends by saying he was just kidding about that.
    • In real life, Elagabalus was a Puppet King. Here, he's portrayed as an independent thinker and semi-divine who was assassinated under his grandmother's orders because he refused to be her puppet(in actuality she likely did so because his reckless hedonism was problematic).
  • Historical Beauty Update:
    • Coins minted during Nero's reign show that while he started out fairly attractive, he became increasingly obese as his rule went on. However, the show's version of him is depicted as a muscular Chad until the day he dies.
    • Inverted with Otho. While he was a noted Pretty Boy in reality, he's drawn as a plain-looking Wojak here.
  • Historical Hero Upgrade: Quite a few Roman figures were portrayed this way. Among emperors considered the worst by contemporary Historians, Commodus was the exception where he's still portrayed as a corrupt Virgin (and even he got a spoof recap where he got to be a Chad).
    • While the pre-illness months of Caligula's rule were consistent with his portrayals by contemporary historians, the post-illness rule was portrayed as him having an epiphany as being a god. His infamous moment of declaring war on Neptune and collecting seashells as bounty was portrayed as conquering the elements to make crossing the English Channel easier, only stopping short of invading Britain (ergo leaving the task to Claudius) because of other matters to attend to.
    • In real life, Caracalla had Geta murdered, but here he's portrayed as loving his brother and treating whatever he perceives as a negative influence, or suggesting he's the one to murder Geta, to a wrathful response. It's downplayed in that he's otherwise accurate to the violent and wrathful nature of the real Caracalla (though played for laughs).
    • Elagabalus used his degeneracy to counter the degeneracy problem and preached about Sol Invictus to streamline the pantheon.note 
    • While not bad rulers, Decius, Valerian and Diocletian's persecution of Christians isn't treated as an evil act but them needing all the help they can get from the pagan gods against their enemies and needing to punish Christians for being obstinate.
  • Historical Villain Downgrade: An odd example with Caracalla, that zig-zags with Historical Hero Upgrade; while played for laughs and framed as a Nominal Hero, Caracalla is still portrayed as an Ax-Crazy soldier emperor prone to Disproportionate Retribution such a starting a war with Parthia for relatively petty reasons. However one of his worst acts, that of having Geta killed, is changed to him loving his brother even though he still hates him, and the Praetorian Guard alone being behind his death.
  • Historical Villain Upgrade:
    • Being biased to Rome for the laughs, many non-Romans are portrayed as evil, with some like the Germans and Sasanid Empire being Always Chaotic Evil. Notably King Shapur is treated as a demon lord who tortured and flayed Emperor Valerian (in reality he was probably just humiliated and imprisoned).
    • Within the Roman Empire, Livia is portrayed as similar to her I, Claudius portrayal in being an Evil Matriarch who offs Augustus' heir and later him, and Commodus is portrayed like he is in Gladiator with him killing Marcus Aurelius. More generally, the senators are usually portrayed as a bunch of scheming, spineless figures who resent and bend over backwards to the new emperor.
    • While the Praetorian Guard was already notorious for its Bodyguard Betrayal, Unbiased History exaggerates it by making them more trigger-happy and petty in their motives than they were in real life. This is partly because a lot of the emperors they killed portrayed as Chads and/or being given a Historical Hero Upgrade. Some of the emperors they killed are Virgins like Pupienus/Balbinus or Wojacks like Gordian III, but the Praetorians are still portrayed as petty.
    • Whereas Emperor Theodosius was commonly regarded with respect by contemporary historians for his reforms and the necessity of splitting administrative duties of the two halves of the Empire, here he was portrayed as a Virgin who actively patronized the chaotic, uncompromising Goths even as he ordered them to slaughter several Romans in Thessalonica, then heavily clamped down on all non-Nicaean religions and tearing down the Statue of Victory from the Roman Senate. He then left his empire to his useless son Arcadius (East) and his cowardly son Honorius (West).
    • The Visigothic leaders were portrayed without any sort of redeeming qualities; in contemporary accounts Alaric spared the churches in Rome because of his Arianist faith, but no such thing was mentioned to keep consistent with Goths being a chaotic, civilization-hating faction. Athaulf's relationship with Galla was portrayed here as rape.
    • The Huns are depicted as a demonic horde who even the Sassanids and Germans are terrified by, with Attila the Hun as their dark lord who destroys all in his wake. Eventually Subverted when Pope Leo meets them, with the Huns rendered harmless Spurdo Spärdes who run back home.
    • Procopius is depicted as writing the Secret History (a slanderous account of Justinian's reign which claimed Justinian and Theodora were actually demons and that Justinian killed a trillion people) out of jealousy at Justinian and his achievements. In reality, he probably wrote the Secret History as insurance in case Justinian was overthrown.
  • Hypocritical Humor: This line from the episode "Justinian the Great":
    Dovah: Now, Procopius would spread lies that [John the Cappadocian] was corrupt and all that, but who would ever pay attention to such a biased teller of history?
  • Ignored Epiphany: Licinius starts persecuting Christians and massacring his rivals' families after being led to victory by an angel.
  • I Reject Your Reality: The Praetorian Guard Constantly did this to justify killing emperors, most notably Aurelian, who they convinced themselves that he cannot be allowed to exist being so perfect.
  • Its Pronounced Tropay: Often opts to use the classical Latin pronunciations for characters, but sometimes even throws a bone to the popular pronunciations like that of Julius Caesar or Marcus Antonius (Mark Anthony).
  • Jesus Was Crazy: In "The Mad Emperors", he was barely mentioned as "some Jew with god delusions" who got nailed to a cross in the course of Tiberius' reign. Christians had since become a thorn to subsequent emperors' sides, which led to Diocletian's Great Persecution. Ultimately becomes subverted when in Constantine's dream, Jesus and the Roman Gods were revealed as one and the same.
  • Like Father, Unlike Son: While most Chads have other Chads as kids, Chad characters like Septimius Severus and especially Marcus Aurelius have corrupt virgin sons like Geta and especially C*mmodus as "failed prodigies". To a lesser extent, Emperor Vitellius is a corpulent Wojak while his dad is a Chad.
  • Loser Deity: Unlike the other gods who are portrayed by Chads, Neptune is portrayed as a Wojak and gets owned by Caligula in his conquest of the sea.
  • Love Makes You Evil: Played with; while Hadrian isn't portrayed his evil, his violent rampage against Judea is caused by despair and anger from losing his favorite twink Antinous.
  • Manly Gay: Quite a few Patricians were rather fond of their twinks. In regards to the Emperors, Nero stayed loyal to the castrated servant Sporus, and Hadrian was portrayed as fucking many twinks. His favorite twink Antinous was distraught thinking he'd lose Hadrian to a woman (though Hadrian detested them), and committed suicide during a fishing trip. This sent the Emperor into deep sorrow that culminated eventually to the brutal suppression of Judea.
  • Masculine–Feminine Gay Couple: The Manly Gay Hadrian's dearest love was an effeminate twink named Antinous. To a lesser extent there's Nero and his new "wife", the eunuch Sporus.
  • Mildly Military: Deconstructed with the Praetorian Guard. They're notorious for their love of wealth and luxury, as well as their independence from the conventional chain of command and frequent disobedience. Because of this, combined with their corruption problems, attempts to instill military discipline in them or bring them to heel often cause them to react with violence.
  • Mind-Control Eyes: Mark Anthony's eyes become yellow when falling under the mind control of Cleopatra, who uses the romancing of Roman Chads like Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony as a means for her sorcery.
  • Moral Myopia: When negotiating with Diocletian after he defeated them, the Sasanians demand that he be magnanimous in victory, despite their many Kick the Dog moments towards defeated foes.
  • Non-Indicative Name: It is comedically blatantly biased towards the Romans.
  • Offing the Offspring: Like in history Constantine has his son Crispus killed, however both are portrayed as Chads and he only does it because Fausta accuses him of raping her. He's horrified learning of this and has her executed for it.
  • One Myth to Explain Them All:
    • Elagabalus comes to the conclusion that Sol Invictus is the one true god, with the Roman pantheon being aspects of his divinitynote . He acts like a degenerate in order to get people's attention on this matter, and Aurelian later embraces this belief.
    • Taken further with Constantine the great, who in a divine revelation, discovers that all gods and divine figures such as Zeus, Apollo, Minerva, Sol Invictus, and even Jesus Christ himself, are nothing but different aspects of the one true God, and so, it doesn't matter who you worship, since it's the same god overall. He uses this to legitimize Christianity in the eyes of the empire.
  • One Steve Limit: Historical versions are Played for Laughs.
    • Julius Caesar mourns over a tombstone labeled "Here Lies: Gaius Julius Caesar (No, no. His father.)"
    • The two Theodorics.
  • Our Demons Are Different: The Sassanids are interpreted as literal demons who worship chaotic gods, with Shapur creating his heir through laying an egg.
  • Patricide
    • Being a retelling of Gladiator Commodus is depicted as killing Marcus Aurelius. The Previously On… segment has Aurelius die of the plague like he did in reality.
    • Dovahhatty subscribes to the belief that Brutus was Caesar's illegitimate child, so his assassination is this. Unlike Commodus Brutus is treated as a Chad because he was roped into it by the conspirators and kills himself out of guilt after his defeat.
  • The Power of the Sun: The Sun is attributed to a number of victories by the Romans, with Elagabalus eventually coming to the realization that Sol Invictus is the one true god, something Aurelian embraces.
  • Previously On…: The Severan Dynasty begins with one of those, only with Commodus being portrayed as a Chad who succeeded Marcus Aurelius after the latter died of more or less natural causes, being a stud in the gladiatorial ring and being strangled in his bath by his Virgin sparring partner Narcissus. Dovahhatty then says he was kidding about the whole thing, that his degenerate rule really ended the Antonine Dynasty and by extension weakened Rome.
  • Pyrrhic Victory: Inevitably brought up in The Conquest of Italy, where Pyrrhus of Epirus would wind up close to losing on more than one occasion, that he only won because he utilized his twenty Indian war elephants. It was getting to the point where he would curse his "victories".
  • Rewarded as a Traitor Deserves: A collective version occured when the Praetorian Guard, as generations of betraying the empire and general corruption arrived to demand bribes from Constantine. He responded by abolishing the entire organization and purging every single one of them.
    • To a lesser extent, All of Aurelian's murderers were rounded and subjected to the worst tortures possible.
  • Running Gag:
    • Whenever a Chad Roman general gets the upper hand in a conflict, sometimes even killing/crucifying scores of people, they would do a dab.
    • Massive conquests, purges and persecutions are often portrayed as an musical montage, with the roman leader or general of the time killing countless lives at the tune of the music.
    • Resentful, envious Virgins plotting conspiracy, always in the same room.
  • Sex Magic: Cleopatra uses the divine Julian semen to mind control Mark Anthony, and later Livia uses Augustus' to off potential heirs who might succeed her husband instead of her son Tiberius.
  • Shoot the Shaggy Dog: Heraclius takes control of an already exhausted Roman Empire beset on all fronts and on the verge of collapse, and spends almost two decades personally leading the last Roman field armies against the Sassanids at the apex of their power in a desperate attempt to retake what was lost. He succeeds and returns to Constantinople in triumph with the Sassanids in a death spiral of infighting and the end of the centuries-long conflict between Rome and Persia in sight, but will live to see the Muslims permanently overrun everything that was was retaken within a few years.
  • Shout-Out: Has its own page.
  • Shown Their Work: Despite being a series known for its satirical nature in its Rome-centric views, the contents are generally very well-researched.
  • Someone to Remember Him By: Justinian's cousin Germanus dies while his civilized Gothic wife is pregnant with their first child.
  • Take That!:
    • Plenty of barbs were made towards communism throughout the series. In the very first video, where the Trojans figured out economics among other issues, they surmised that it works when they use magic, and even then it's still worse than capitalism.
    • When Sulla had come to a realization that the plebs were dragging down the republic, compounding the existing problems they have with the G*rms and Greekoids, there is a take that directed towards anti-Semites in general and /pol/ in particular:
    DH: Sulla forced himself to swallow that bitter red pill. The truth was that the Jews were behind everything- Uh, uh no wait, wrong redpill! [Sulla turns away from the "/pol/tard pills", and towards the /his/torian pillsnote ] Ah, ah yes, here! Alright, so the truth was that the Republic would soon fall if things kept going the way they were.
    Sulla: Makes far more sense. Imagine blaming Jews for everything...
  • Token Good Teammate:
    • Despite the senators eventually portrayed as a bunch of scheming state parasites, some notable senators are portrayed as Chads, notably Antoninus Pius who becomes one of the Five Good Emperors and leads a peaceful regime, and Decius who is depicted as one of the more capable emperors in the Crisis Of The Third Century.
    • Half-G*rms were typically portrayed as having half their face be Wojak and the other as a grinning G*rm, with chaotic thoughts being tempered by their Roman halves from time to time. Half-Vandal Stilicho was portrayed as a Chad, and though he still had the side of his face resembling a red-eyed G*rm, he resented the Vandal side of his family and gave Alaric a run for his money.
  • Took a Level in Badass:
    • Unbiased History's "Imperial Wrath" episode had Julian The Apostate transformed a weak Wojack into a masculine Chad art after the tutelage of Ursicinus during his tenure as a Caesar in the western parts of the Roman Empire.
    • Aetius' training montage turned the hapless Wojaks into muscular Chads, not to mention turning Barbarian like Theodoric to appreciate civilization based on his lack of mask and yellow eyes.
  • Tragic Hero: The finale of the Rome series has major examples of heroic Chads whose life was cut short as Dovahhatty stated it as "These were the times of Tragic Heroes".
    • Stilicho, a half Vandal, who served the Western Empire loyally even refusing to overthrow his patron Honorius even if his death led to the sack of Rome.
    • Aetius used his skills and will to turn back Attila's Hunnic horde with the Germanic tribes yet Emperor Valentinian III murdered him before being avenged by Petronius Maximus (who actually instigated Aetius' murder to make his usurpation of Valentinian III justifiable) and Aetius' friends.
    • Majorian managed to retake Gaul and Hispania along with setting reforms to strengthen the empire. The loss of his fleet to retake Africa along with the assassination by Ricimer dashed any hope for the restoration of Western Roman Empire.
  • Tough Act to Follow: Invoked with the Senate, who felt unworthy of picking Aurelian's successor.
  • True Companions:
    • The series' portrayal of Diocletian and other co-emperors of his Tetrarchy (Maximian, Galerian, and Constantius) were portrayed as close friends, which made it unique for the time due to the number of backstabbings and infighting during the Third Century Crisis to the point of Diocletian's patience and support to Maximian despite his many setbacks.
    • Augustus was this with Agrippa and Gaius Maecenas.
  • The Twink: Several appear in the series, including Hadrian's lover Antinous and the emperor Constans. They're usually depicted as Ideal GFs.
  • Unperson: Played for Laughs when Caracalla destroys the portraits that make his late brother Geta look bad. Unfortunately, since Geta was a total Virgin, they all look bad.
  • Unstoppable Rage: Valentinian had one that even G*rms dreaded and can be felt throughout the empire. What stopped the fury though was that he popped a blood vessel and died on the spot.
  • Vestigial Empire: Like in history, Roman Empire suffered in later episodes set after Constantine The Great with many Romans becoming less competent and corrupt.
  • What Happened to the Mouse?: Multiple significant figures disappear from the narrative without any indication of their fate, due to gaps in the historical record. Dovahhatty says to assume that when somebody vanishes with no explanation, it's because a historian died prematurely.
  • Wimp Fight: The Christians flailing at each other over theological differences, to Constantine's annoyance.
  • Woman Scorned:
    • Many of Rome's woes like plagues and even some femme fatales are blamed on the spirit of Dido wanting revenge for Aeneas dumping her.
    • Dovahhatty suggests that Titus died of a fever because Queen Berenice used her Jewish magic, angry that she had broken up with him.
    • Fausta, who in real life accused Crispus of having an affair(of which he may have been guilty of), accuses him of rape when he refuses her advances so Constantine would have him executed. When Constantine finds out, he has her executed.
  • Worthy Opponent: Hannibal Barca is depicted as being this to the Romans. Notably, he's one of the very few non-Romans to be portrayed as a Chad.
  • You Should Have Died Instead: Said almost word for word in the case of Commodus' twin dying infancy while he lived.
    Unfortunately in the first year of his (Marcus Aurelius)reign, he would be faced with a monumental tragedy. Faustina, after birthing many children, such as Lucila, had given birth to twins. One of which died soon after birth. But that was not it. The Real Tragedy, was that the youngest twin, a boy named Commodus, Survived .

Tchau tchau!
 
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Alternative Title(s): The Unbiased History Of Rome

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Attila the Hun

Attila the Hun, the ancient Hunnic king who invaded the Roman Empire in it's late years (and was rather violent in real life), is depicted in 'Unbiased History: Rome XIX' as a demonic overlord with supernatural powers.

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