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Web Animation / The Unbiased History of Rome

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The Unbiased History of Rome is a web animation series by Dovahhatty started on May 22, 2019. In spite of the name, it actually is blatantly biased towards the Romans for laughs, sometimes even reinterpreting entire events in their favor as he covers their history from mythological beginnings in Troy, to the times of the Republic, to the empire onwards. Divided into two playlists, one prior to the leadership of Julius Caesar and another since then.


Contains examples of:

  • The Ace: Some of the rulers that were regarded by contemporary historians as among the best really stick out in this manner.
    • Julius Caesar, in spite of being in the Populares faction that Hatty didn't look fondly towards, was portrayed as taking part there out of necessity. His popularity with soldiers and his successful campaign in Gaul earned him the ire of Senators, including Cato the Younger who sabotaged any attempts at compromise. Caesar then won the ensuing civil war between him and Pompey, and even bested his most valuable general Labienus to close out said war.
    • Amongst the Five Good Emperors, Trajan is a standout not only for being well-regarded even by Christiansnote , but also bringing the Roman Empire to its greatest extent, stretching from Britain to Babylon. While there were uprisings towards the end, his accomplishments were considered the zenith of the empire.
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    • In The Crisis of the Third Century, Aurelian has assumed his reign in one of Rome's darkest moments, when not only the G*rms, Goths, Sassanids and the Cyprian Plague caused a lot of destruction, but the Gallic and Palmyrene Empires had split away from Rome. He donned the mask of Sol Invictus and went to work, dealing not only with the Barbarians but also with the splinter empires that threaten Rome's existence, all in five years. Unfortunately, Praetorian Guards assassinated him just before he could launch an offensive against the Sassanids.
  • All Women Are Lustful: Particularly the Barbarian (or otherwise non-Roman) kind towards Romans. For example, there was the rape BY the Sabine women, Boudica revolted against the Romans because she's denied sex with them, and Cleopatra had the hots for Julius Caesar for her mind control magic on Mark Anthony. Roman women weren't immune to this either, and it became a big problem around the rule of Caesar Augustus, even within his own family.
  • Always Chaotic Evil:
    • The G*rms are portrayed as this; unlike the other barbarians they're uncivilizable and always seek to destroy civilization, betraying any Roman foolish enough to ally with them.
    • For much of Rome's history, the Parthians had been a thorn to Rome's side, but Rome was able to roll through them multiple times that they were reduced to a weak, ineffectual state before a dark force emerged from the shadows towards the end of the Severan Dynasty. From the ashes of the old Parthian Empire emerged the Sassanids, which were portrayed as subjects of dark magic about as sadistic and treacherous as the G*rms.
  • Art Shift: While the people are consistently represented by meme characters, the background can consistently shift between a one-color background with simplistic art and/or stock images and backgrounds assembled in Minecraft and Skyrim.
  • Author Avatar: Dovahhatty is portrayed in the video as an overlord-type character clad entirely in purple.
  • Bait-and-Switch: To begin the Punic Wars:
    Dovahhatty: Today, we'll discuss one of the worst barbarian races ever to plague the earth, a group of merchants who migrated across the Levant many years ago, [a silhouette appears to give the appearance of the Happy Merchant] deceitfully manipulating others to further their greedy interests. You know what I'm talking about. [the silhouette reveals itself as two Punics making poses to appear like the silhouette] Punics!
  • Berserk Button: Even while he couldn't get his brother Geta's affection in return, suggest that Caracalla murdered Geta at your own peril. Several plebs and the whole city of Alexandria learned that the hard way.
  • Butt-Monkey: Before he became emperor, Claudius was subject to some humiliations in his life, but such is life for Uncle Claudius. Even as he became emperor and did as good a job as a non-Chad can get, this misfortune still can show.
  • Censored for Comedy: The more degenerate groups were given this treatment, including the G*uls, Etr*scans and especially the G*rmsnote . C*mmodus also got this treatment, a mark of DH's disdain for him.
  • Dehumanization: Many groups who are not Roman were portrayed as degenerates, sometimes even borderline Neanderthalic, to a degree that the more dignified non-Romans were still portrayed as Virgins and an occasional Wojak (especially when they're Romanized like the Gauls).
  • Distinctive Appearances: The historical figures are typically represented by various imageboard characters:
    • The Chads are typically used to represent the Patricians, elite soldiers and favorable leaders of Rome. They have also been used for their Trojan forebears, the inhabitants of Alba Longa and an occasional non-Roman such as Hannibal (as the gods felt the Romans needed a challenge after the first Punic War) and Josephus (a Jewish historian who favored the empire and became a citizen).
    • Wojaks are used to represent the plebs and an occasional leader. They have also been used to fill in for various non-Romans, often with varying attributes such as an evil grin for the G*rms. Groups such as the Samnites and (initially) the Gauls are the corrupted variants thereof.
    • Virgins are used to represent weak-willed/disloyal military men and senators on the Roman side, as well as some unflattering rulers. Among non-Romans, they fill in for the various Greekoids.
    • Grugs are used for the less-civilized Barbarians, especially early on when the Greeks were portrayed in this manner before becoming Virgins.
    • A Celtic variation of Norf F.C.snote  is used exclusively for the Britons, right down to the way they talk.
    • Spurdo Spärde is used for elephants and flies, though he also represented Labienus (to make him "le benis") as well as the Iazyges tribe of G*rms.
    • All women have a similar template to work withnote , although in this case they are also used for the twinks for certain Patricians.
  • Early Installment Weirdness: Earlier episodes were shorter and had a more simplistic background design. It was around the Julius Caesar episode where episodes started to reach a half hour and incorporate backgrounds based from Minecraft and Skyrim. Even slightly earlier, background music was starting to get used more often.
  • Fat Bastard:
    • Tarquinius Superbus' son Sextus was portrayed as one, and his rape of Lucretia proved to be the last straw that angered Romans enough to overthrow the monarchy and start the Republic.
    • In the Year of Four Emperors, Vitellius was a fat, lazy guardsman who spent a great deal of his post eating and partying at great expense. He convinced his colleagues to rebel against Galba, and had an army sent southward by the time Galba was replaced by Otho. After the latter committed suicide, he proclaimed himself emperor, planning to rape Sporus in a brutal gladiatorial display before the latter committed suicide to deny this. Many Eastern governors were disgusted with the idea of a him being Emperor and spending a lot of money to feed his gluttony, and eventually he was beheaded and thrown into the Tiber River, making way for Vespacian.
  • Flies Equals Evil: Domitian's habit of pinning flies is explained as him knowing they were up to no good, which he's proven right when Berenice uses a fly to kill Titus with a fever.
  • Football Hooligans: True to their portrayal as Norf F.C.s, the Britons had at more than one occasion had conversations which amounted to "Londinium F.C." "Nonce, Eburacum City".
  • Historical Hero Upgrade: Quite a few Roman figures were portrayed this way. Among emperors considered the worst by contemporary Historians, Commodus was the exception where he's still portrayed as a corrupt Virgin.
    • While the pre-illness months of Caligula's rule were consistent with his portrayals by contemporary historians, the post-illness rule was portrayed as him having an epiphany as being a god. His infamous moment of declaring war on Neptune and collecting seashells as bounty was portrayed as conquering the elements to make crossing the English Channel easier, only stopping short of invading Britain (ergo leaving the task to Claudius) because of matters to attend to.
    • In real life, Caracalla had Geta murdered, but here he's portrayed as loving his brother and treating whatever he perceives as a negative influence, or suggesting he's the one to murder Geta, to a wrathful response.
    • Elagabalus used his degeneracy to counter the degeneracy problem and preached about Sol Invictus to streamline the pantheon.note 
  • Historical Villain Upgrade: Besides many non-Romans, Livia is portrayed as similar to her I, Claudius portrayal in being an Evil Matriarch who offs Augustus' heir and later him, and Commodus is portrayed like he is in Gladiator with him killing Marcus Aurelius. More generally, the senators are usually portrayed as a bunch of scheming, spineless figures who resent and bend over backwards to the new emperor.
  • It's Pronounced "Tro-PAY": Often opts to use the classical Latin pronunciations for characters, but sometimes even throws a bone to the popular pronunciations like that of Julius Caesar or Marcus Antonius (Mark Anthony).
  • Jesus Was Crazy: Or at the very least he's merely a footnote in The Mad Emperors.
    DH: And since we're talking violence, some Jew with god delusions just got crucified in Judea. From here on, his followers would increasingly infest the empire with their sacrilege against the divine Caesars and overall Christcuckery. There's something to all this, but that's for way later.
  • Manly Gay: Quite a few Patricians were rather fond of their twinks. In regards to the Emperors, Nero stayed loyal to the castrated servant Sporus, and Hadrian was portrayed as fucking many twinks. His favorite twink Antinous was distraught thinking he'd lose Hadrian to a woman (though Hadrian detested them), and committed suicide during a fishing trip. This sent the Emperor into deep sorrow that culminated eventually to the brutal suppression of Judea.
  • Mind-Control Eyes: Mark Anthony's eyes become yellow when falling under the mind control of Cleopatra, who uses the romancing of Roman Chads like Julius Caesar and Mark Anthony as a means for her sorcery.
  • Non-Indicative Name: It is comedically blatantly biased towards the Romans.
  • Previously On…: The Severan Dynasty begins with one of those, only with Commodus being portrayed as a Chad who succeeded Marcus Aurelius after the latter died of natural causes, being a stud in the gladiatorial ring and being strangled in his bath by his virgin sparring partner Narcissus. Dovahhatty then says he was kidding about the whole thing, that his degenerate rule really ended the Antonine Dynasty and by extension weakened Rome.
  • Pyrrhic Victory: Inevitably brought up in The Conquest of Italy, where Pyrrhus of Epirus would wind up close to losing on more than one occasion, that he only won because he utilized his twenty Indian war elephants. It was getting to the point where he would curse his "victories".
  • Running Gag: Whenever a Chad Roman general gets the upper hand in a conflict, sometimes even killing/crucifying scores of people, they would do a dab.
  • Sex Magic: Cleopatra uses the divine Julian semen to mind control Mark Anthony, and later Livia uses Augustus' to off potential heirs instead of her son Tiberius.
  • Shout-Out:
    • More recent episodes have openings inspired by Japanese anime openings:
      • The Five Good Emperors: "Sanjou!! Ginyu Tokusentai!!", the Ginyu Force theme since Dragon Ball Kai
      • The Severan Dynasty: "Clattonia" of Overlord
      • The Crisis of the Third Century: "Kana-Boon Silhouette" of Naruto Shippuden
    • The introduction of "The Mad Emperors", instead of its usual theme, uses the Oblivion theme.
    • Caesar's reaction to Pompey's head being presented to him in Egypt: "HE WAS A CONSUL OF ROME!"
    • When the Romans came to collect their inheritance from the late king of the Icini tribe, they were disgusted with how polluted the gene pool was. When they were present, they saw the Briton inhabitants cosplaying as House Stark.
    • The section on Commodus is partially a retelling of the plot to Gladiator, with some of his recorded antics mixed in, then the following episode the recap reverted to the more common portrayal among contemporary historians, only with Commodus being Chad:
    DH: Pheh-heh! Just fucking kidding! (holds up a copy of Gladiator that was made into a book) The historian Ridley Scott already debunked all this garbage!
  • Take That!:
    • Plenty of barbs were made towards communism throughout the series. In the very first video, where the Trojans figured out economics among other issues, they surmised that it works when they use magic, and even then it's still worse than capitalism.
    • When Sulla had come to a realization that the plebs were dragging down the republic, compounding the existing problems they have with the G*rms and Greekoids, there is a take that directed towards /pol/:
    DH: Sulla forced himself to swallow that bitter red pill. The truth was that the Jews were behind everything- Uh, uh no wait, wrong redpill! [Sulla turns away from the "/pol/tard pills", and towards the /his/torian pillsnote ] Ah, ah yes, here! Alright, so the truth was that the Republic would soon fall if things kept going the way they were.
    Sulla: Makes far more sense. Imagine blaming Jews for everything...
  • Woman Scorned: Dovahhatty suggests that Titus died of a fever because Queen Berenice used her Jewish magic, angry that she had broken up with him.


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