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Warp That Aesop / Thomas & Friends

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In General

  • Bullies will keep coming back to torment you, no matter what you or the adults in authority try to do about it. To their credit, it's Truth in Television.
  • Your worth as an individual hinges on the judgement of how useful you are to a fat man in a top hat.
  • Tank engines are mischievous brats.
  • Tender engines are arrogant douches.
  • Diesel engines are evil incarnate and want to kill and replace you.
  • If you got into a serious accident by any circumstance, you got no one to blame but yourself.
  • Goods wagons are sociopathic assholes.
  • Good friends always argue with each other, put down each other, and laugh at each other's humiliating incidents.
  • Seasons 8-16: We don't need brake vans for our goods trains!
  • Engines can switch tracks anytime they want.
  • If you crash into something, that's entirely your fault and you should be mocked for it. It is in no way the fault of your driver who actually caused the crash, or the fact you were given improper rolling stock, or any other railway employee. No matter what, you will always be blamed becaused you're the designated scapegoat.
  • Any degree of mishap you get into means you're causing confusion and delay.
  • Be careful with how you treat rolling stock or they will retaliate by causing you to crash into something. And they'll get away with it while you're automatically at fault, and it's Laser-Guided Karma for something you said or did earlier!
  • It's perfectly fine to mock others for their misfortunes as long as they've done something to deserve them.(Depends though if it is deserved or not)
  • It's ok to disobey orders if you get an adventure out of it.
  • If you do not do well with change, you will be ridiculed or get into an embarrassing incident.
  • A simple misfortune caused by one of your engines will have passengers calling your railway bad.
  • You've spent your life working hard, and are frequently teased, one-upped and generally irritated by one of your inferiors, and your peers are either vain and arrogant, or self-pitying hypochondriacs...how dare you be constantly a little irritable and grumpy.

Specific episodes

  • "The Sad Story of Henry"/"Come Out, Henry": Stubborn people deserve to be locked up "for always and always and always"...
  • "Edward, Gordon, and Henry"/"Henry to the Rescue": ...or at least until they are ready to do your bidding.
  • "Thomas Comes to Breakfast":
    • Crashed into someone's house because a cleaner messed with your controls? You deserved to be blamed!
    • Your family breakfast being ruined is worth complaining about more than you and your family's lives.
  • "Thomas, Emily, and the Snowplough": Learn to listen to your friend's advice, even if she happens to be a bossy Control Freak.
  • "Respect for Gordon": Wanting respect from others who make fun of you makes you a bossy, egotistical jerk who deserves to get knocked down a peg.
  • "Thomas and the New Engine": Being friendly with the diesels (who are actually making fun of you) makes you a Category Traitor to the steam engines.
  • "Edward Strikes Out": If one of your friends says something negative about a newcomer, agree with him.
  • "Splish, Splash, Splosh!": Fuck working! Playing in puddles is fun!
  • "Wonky Whistle": Going out without having your whistle fixed properly is the smartest thing to do.
  • "Fiery Flynn": If you see engines who are obviously not on fire, spray water at them anyways.
  • "Bradford the Brake Van": Being safe is more important than being on time, even though earlier, a break van caused everyone to be very late with their trains because he's concerned about following the rules and they all got scolded for it.

Alternative Title(s): Thomas The Tank Engine

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