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General

  • You need to constantly lie to your loved ones about their successes and humor their antics. It's the only way to make them have confidence in themselves.
  • Girls are brave, strong, powerful, funny... not to mention completely nuts and hyper-sensitive to everything! They'll burst into tears over something at the drop of a hat!
    • Following in this logic, it's okay for men to feel bad about themselves, but women feeling bad about themselves is inexcusable. If she doesn't shrug off her insecurities, she will literally rip apart at the seams or turn evil. Or both.
  • Remember: thousands of years of incompetence, tragedy, heartbreak, and female rule were only undone and ultimately made better by male influence. Ladies, you can not live fulfilling lives without a man in your life, whether it's a romantic relationship or not.
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  • Same-sex relationships are only something an alien whose species only has one gender would do.
  • Single people will always be inferior to people in couples. Sure homosexuality, bisexuality and heterosexuality are fine, but asexuals and single people can never be happy or reach their full potential.
  • Abuse, slavery, genocide...there's really nothing you can't be forgiven for if you cry hard enough.

Episode Specific

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     Season One 
"Onion Trade"
  • Loneliness and boredom are perfectly valid excuses for being a public menace.
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     Season Two 
"Cry for Help"
  • Smashing a tower into harmless pebbles is dangerous and irresponsible; Sending large segments of the tower flying aimlessly with a hammer is far safer.
  • While we're on the subject, if you don't want your nemesis to rebuild said tower, you should simply disassemble it with a hammer instead of smashing it completely. Efficiency matters not if it looks cool and stylish.
  • Idolizing someone is a valid reason to manipulate them into G-Rated Sex multiple times.

"Historical Friction"

  • Anyone that dislikes you is a petty bitch that hates complexity in people.
  • Patting someone on the head means you're in love with them.

"When It Rains"

  • A lifetime of prejudice and evil deeds can be redeemed just by feeling the rain on your skin.

"Back to the Barn"

  • A petty competition in robotics is a perfectly good excuse to delay production on a weapon to stop a Doomsday Device whose activation is imminent.
  • Also, construction on a drill will take weeks, or even months for a five-man team. However, two people can build two fully-functional mechs in a matter of seconds.

"Too Far"

  • It's quirky and charming for someone to make jokes about your family based on prejudice. Encourage it! When they start making jokes about you based on facts, however, that's when they've gone too far. Then you have the right to act spiteful and bitter towards them for the rest of the day, even after they risk their life to save yours.

"The Answer"

  • Telling everyone that Love at First Sight is unrealistic is fine when you yourself fall in love at first sight.
  • Don't question a good thing ever, even when it nearly gets you killed the moment you do it.

     Season Three 
"Barn Mates"
  • Remember that person who played a part in your past trauma? Well, you're going to be living with them now. Not ready to forgive them just yet? Be prepared to be treated like a rude, inconsiderate stick-in-the-mud. It doesn't matter if you weren't there to see their development; they're not evil anymore. Just take the hero's word for it! Suck it up and become besties, already.
  • Bonus points if said hero didn't force two of his guardians to make up, even when their battle effectiveness was actually affected by it and double bonus points if said hero didn't force one of his guardians to make up with his father but let both conflicts resolve naturally. You're a peripheral character so get used to the plot ignoring your trauma and the part everyone else played in it.

"The New Lars"

  • You're overreacting if you get upset that a kid took over your body and lived your life for a day, during which he nearly ruined your relationship with your crush. In fact, people will just end up liking that version of you better than you.

"Beach City Drift"

  • Anyone who tried to abduct, kill you, or both, is just misunderstood and can easily be redeemed. A teen who makes you uncomfortable at a party is completely deserving of every ounce of hatred you can muster.

"Bismuth"

"Earthlings"

  • If you've suffered a humiliating defeat against someone once already, don't bother training to get better and eventually beat them. It won't pay off because at the end of the day, they're always going to be objectively stronger than you in every way. Team up with your surrogate little brother instead.

"Bubbled"

  • Murder is perfectly justified sometimes.

     Season Four 
"Last One Out of Beach City"
  • It's perfectly okay and healthy to pursue a girl because she bears a passing resemblance to your surrogate son's dead mother.
  • Also, if you nearly miss the event you were looking forward to because you were too busy pursuing said girl, you'll be showered with praise and your friends will talk about how cool you are. And the event you missed? It'll be right around the corner!
  • Its cool to drive someone else's car without a license above the speed limit and evade the cops.

"I Am My Mom"

  • You should take the blame for everything your parent did.

     Season Five 
"The Trial"
  • The only way you could be pardoned out of your parent's crimes is not because you're not your parent, but because your parent might not be guilty in the first place.

"A Single Pale Rose"

  • Imposing a Geas on your best friend so that they can't talk about something is fine if you don't want to talk about it.

"Now We're Only Falling Apart"

  • Its fine for you to tell someone not to question a good thing when you yourself have nothing but questions about it, especially when you had just met them.
  • Finding out that your leader was actually just making it up as she went along when she was waging a war isn't unnerving. It's endearing.

"Together Alone"

  • When visiting someone else's world under a new set of standards and customs, you should ignore those customs if you don't agree with them.

"Change Your Mind"

  • Brainwashing the closest thing you have to family when they start to question your authority shouldn't cause any lapses in trust from them at all.
  • Blushing is icky!
  • You can safely engage your abuser in good faith and get them to see reason with just a witty remark. If they don't come around, you're just not trying hard enough. Give them second, third, twelfth chances and eventually you'll get your happy ending and your abuser will turn out to be a good person.
  • Bathing in high-heels is a good idea.

     Steven Universe: The Movie 
  • If someone's annoying, try not to focus too hard on serious things like parent and sister figures having amnesia or else that annoying person will try to kill you.
  • If your relatives are overbearing, hire a body-double to stand in for you at family reunions.
    • Leaving someone who had annoyed her supposedly "best friend" with three impatient people with a long, long history of dishing out Disproportionate Retribution that have undergone a Hazy Feel Turn is definitely a good idea.
  • No matter how much you have grown or inspired others to grow as an individual, no matter how long you've spent reforming an entire society and government, you can never take a moment to relax or congratulate yourself.
  • If you're facing a foe who's sole motive is rage against someone that's already gone, just play defense. They'll talk themselves out of it sooner or later.
  • Remember kiddies, keep on trying to coddle and rehabilitate violent, abusive, murderous adult women who have way more life experience than you and have already tried to kill you and your friends several times for something you had nothing to do with. It's your job to fix them because of their tragic backstory, and if it doesn't happen right away, keep on trying until you get results. Don't be afraid to let them charge at you in a blind, murderous rage either until they wear themselves out.
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     Steven Universe: Future 
"Little Homeschool"

"Guidance"

  • Never leave your comfort zone. You'll never be good at anything else, nor should you even try.
  • Don't help people. You'll screw up their lives and they are happier without you interference.

"Rose Buds"

  • You'll always have to carry the burden of people you remind others of.

"Volleyball"

  • Nothing creates a better emotional bond between two people than getting traumatized by the same person.

Alternative Title(s): Steven Universe The Movie, Steven Universe Future

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