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Warp That Aesop / Star Wars

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In General

  • Taking babies away from their families and raising them to never care about anybody makes you, and them, good and well-adjusted people. Only bad and crazy people worry about their mothers and want to get married.
  • Clone slaves? Sending a boy to assassinate his father (who you told actually killed his father)? You still get to go to transparent-blue-heaven.
  • Falling in love automatically turns headstrong, capable Action Girls into whiny, demure Distressed Damsels. Just look at Padme (and Leia, to a much lesser extent).
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  • Mentor a young boy who never knew his father, watched his mother die in his arms and whose upbringing in general was marred in tragedy? He'll turn into a monster out of desperation. Mentor a young boy who knew both his parents, never had to watch either die and whose upbringing in general was fairly privileged? He'll turn into a monster because it's edgy. Don't mentor young boys.
  • If you so much as try to prevent your loved ones from dying, then not only will you descend into villainy, but your wife will die anyway (because of you, no less!), your friends (including your mentor) will either die or suffer horribly, your children and any romantic partners they have will suffer, your grandkids will turn evil partially because they find your evil deeds cool and partially due to being influenced by a cult and billions will have their lives wrecked or worse. You're best off just letting your loved ones die.
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  • Killing is wrong...unless you're the one doing it.

The Phantom Menace

  • Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to the dark side, and the dark side is evil. So, if you've ever been afraid or angry you're a complete monster.
  • Cutting off all contact between young children and their parents (and anyone else who loves them) makes them grow up into excellent police/judges.
  • If something horrible is going on in a remote, self-governed area, then your job as knights of justice and peace is irrelevant; it's not your problem if it's not your government.
  • Need someone to rule your world? Elect fourteen year old girls and call them queens! Find a dozen other fourteen year old girls as assassination bait!


Attack of the Clones

  • Keeping promises to your parents causes genocide.
  • Illegally produced armies that consist of millions of clones are always a good thing.
  • The best way to let a guy know you're don't want a relationship with him is to show a lot of skin and spend tons of time alone with him in scenic locales and in darkened rooms lit by fireplaces.
  • Chicks don't mind if you've slaughtered a village before and have the occasional megalomaniacal rant as long as you're hot.

Revenge of the Sith

  • Don't try to save the people you love from dying, because Love Makes You Evil!
  • If you suspect a loved one might be potentially fatally ill, consider that there is a midpoint between doing nothing and sacrificing your moral code, your religion, democracy, and all of your friends to make her immortal.
  • If someone you love dies, you are required to be happy that they're dead, to not miss them, not mourn them. If you shed even a single tear, you're a Sith.
  • If your best friend is in horrific agony (say, just had three of his limbs amputated and set on fire), it is considered evil and dishonorable to give him a Mercy Kill. The correct thing to do is to just walk away on your friend as he lies there in unimaginable pain.
  • Only Sith deal in extremes. Unless you're a Jedi saying that particular sentence, which happens to be an extreme generalization of both Siths and people who deal in extremes, then its okay.
  • Problems with romance? It's not your fault. It is EVERYONE ELSE'S. The only logical course of action is to KILL THEM ALL!
  • If at first you fail, retreat into an obscure swamp and pretend to be senile until you find someone young to do the hard stuff for you.
  • Any dark-skinned official in power is obviously going to be assassinated sooner or later.
  • Men guilty of starting horrific wars deserve trials. Toddlers should be exterminated.
    • Contrary to that, suddenly and completely abandoning a large portion of one's own personal moral code to arrest someone is perfectly OK if it means the "right thing" must be done. Even if the remote possibility of a third option might exist.

Rogue One

  • If your cause is righteous, you can lie, sabotage and even kill your allies... exactly like the enemies you're fighting against. It's not like the movie will call you out.
  • Someone's taking the credit for the deadly WMD you built? Suck it up or get choked by Darth Vader.
  • You can perfectly cross a battlefield with bullets flying everywhere unharmed if you believe in a mystical concept that few know is really true.

A New Hope

  • Drug smugglers are perfectly trustworthy and, if they hang around heroes long enough (a day or two) eventually become heroic.
  • Every young man should aspire to be a terrorist when he grows up. Even better if he commits mass murder by destroying a military installation.
  • If you want to get accurate information on a terrorist group, torture first, then threaten to blow up their homeland, and then actually do blow it up before confirming that the information is correct, thus ensuring their future cooperation.
  • These aren't the droids we're looking for.
  • It's okay to postpone doing The Right Thing until you have nothing else better to do. Want to go Fight The Good Fight, but Uncle needs you to help around the farm? No prob, whatevs, just wait for the cosmic calendar to realign itself to your timetable.
    • Alternately: If you do not fight against evil— ALL evil, EVERYWHERE— immediately, it will come to your house and kill the only family you've ever known. So get on that.

The Empire Strikes Back

  • You MUST successfully lift and toss around a object the size of an F-16 with nothing but your mind on your first try. And if you can't, either you're a loser or your mind is giving in to doubt and doubt also leads to "bad things."
  • If someone who's trying to kill you tells you he's your father without any sort of evidence to back it up, take his word for it. It's not like he might be trying to mess with your head or anything.
    • Alternative interpretation: you need to develop a supernatural power that allows you to "search your feelings" to magically know whether a statement is true just in case someone who's trying to kill you says he's your father.
  • If a mass-murderer who has just been enjoying himself beating the stuffing out of you and cutting off one of your hands informs you that he is your biological father, once you get over the shock you should immediately start hatching a plan to try to redeem him, because there are no such things as Abusive Parents or a Moral Event Horizon so long as they are a blood relative.

The Return of the Jedi

  • It doesn't matter how evil he is, your father is still your father. Even if you've only met him twice.
  • Your biological father is way more important than your aunt and uncle, the people who actually raised you your whole life. If they get brutally murdered, never mention them again.
  • If you've been in charge of an evil empire responsible for genocide and oppression, personally committed murder including that of children and the elite galactic police (i.e. Jedi), and lead a campaign of terror and tyranny against a large portion of the galaxy, all will be forgiven and forgotten with a quick seeing of the light at the end by killing your evil boss to rescue your own child.
  • The death of a single proud tribal teddy bear is far more horrific and worth focusing on than the destruction of a fully occupied ginormous medical frigate.

The Force Awakens

  • On the run from a terrorist organisation? Don't worry, enough implausible coincidences will occur within a short period of time that will work to your advantage with minimum effort on your part.
  • Fanboys are not only uniformly Man Children, but they are almost always psychopaths.
  • Deserted from your faction because they're evil? Then go ahead and attack your old colleagues without offering them any redemption.
  • You're better off letting your child be evil and leave them be if they fall. Trying to persuade your kid to come back to you will just get you killed.

The Last Jedi

  • If your subordinate refuses a direct recall order, do not send it on the wing's general channel. That would be cheating.
    • Refusing a recall order just because your forces are already irretrievably committed to the attack and will be massacred if they attempt to withdraw means you're arrogant and rash. Issuing said order marks you as compassionate and wise.
  • If you are suddenly thrust into command unexpectedly in a high-stress situation, make sure not to reassure your people by explaining your plan. In fact, do your best to convince them that you have no plan whatsoever and are blindly leading them to their deaths.
  • If you are fighting for democracy, make sure to treat people you outrank with utter contempt and demand absolute unquestioning obedience from them.
  • If you've based your entire life on the philosophy laid out in ancient books you own and are trying to teach it to others, make sure to never actually read those books. After all, page turners they were not.
  • There are no downsides to openly assassinating your fascist overlord. They'll even give you his position.
  • You should risk life and limb to redeem your child-murdering father even when he outright tells you he's not worth saving. On the other hand, your nephew whose only real crime was being a mopey millennial should definitely be killed on the off chance he decides to murder children.
  • Always have an escape plan in case you and the resistance movement that you lead are hopelessly outgunned and being pursued by your enemy. Yes, retreating to a hangar on a salt planet that nobody has checked up in 30 years and which you know nothing about, including whether or not it even has a back door, counts as a "plan". Keep this "plan" secret because you may have to shoot anyone who finds out who half-baked it is. Your pro-democracy movement is, after all, not actually a democracy and it is best to keep secrets and just expect your pro-democracy activists to trust you. People who are willing to fight for democracy just love secretive, autocratic leaders and cannot possibly have any worthwhile ideas of their own to contribute.

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