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Warp That Aesop / Pokémon

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  • Animals like to beat the crap out of each other, but they can't do it well without you! So even if they clearly have the capacity to think for themselves and run their own lives, you should capture them and force them to fight each other for your entertainment! They really want to be bossed around; all that escaping is just playing hard to get. After all, you have the right to enslave them because you're part of the majority group and have the technology to catch them.
  • It's completely okay to kidnap sentient beings, use them as vehicles and tools, and force them to fight for your amusement. In fact, they all want you to. It's the true meaning of friendship.
    • A major element of being a worthy main character is to accept your friends for what they are. Do not make an effort to change them, even if the result would be considerably stronger and cooler-looking, and even not if such a change is completely natural for them.
  • Gonna visit a new region? Abandon those weak-ass Pokemon who failed to let you win the tournament! Hell, wreck the damn bus, too! Except your starter, for only that one has a hidden reset switch.
  • Exploiting Pokemon to further your own ambitions is encouraged, unless you wear a uniform with an R on it.
    • It's OK to treat your Pokemon like garbage, but your rival? Ohhhh no freaking way, unless it's Gary Oak.
      • If you mistreat your Pokemon to the point of animal cruelty, but just so happen to be named Paul, your fans will overlook your horrible traits. And so will the writers.
      • If you rub fans the wrong way with your flaws and brash personality traits and you also don't meet fans' ridiculously high expectations they have for you, your detractors will whitewash your rivals and make them to be so much nicer and better than you. This is despite them being much more insufferable and immature than you are. See: Gary and Georgia.
  • If you ever come across a crime in progress, even if you are sufficiently equipped to prevent it, don't. The perpetrators will notice you, and they will follow you. Every. Single. Day. Of. Your. Life. Until they get their revenge. Their torment will extend to everyone else you ever meet as well. Even if you repeatedly come out ahead, the headache isn't worth it.
  • If you don't feel fulfilled taking care of your ten kids, you should abandon all your children completely! This will turn your eldest son into the most awesome nurturer ever! It may also make him a little desperate for a loving relationship, which he will never (ever) find, but that's of no consequence at all - he'll otherwise be perfectly healthy, happy, and mild-mannered, and any lingering deep-seated resentment he has will be expressed only in very very rare offhand comments, which everyone involved will completely ignore. In all other ways, you'll be a loving, happy family.
  • The movies: There are beings in the world that are far more powerful than you. It is no trouble for them to kill you if they desire it. Obviously they aren't specifically out to get you; you wouldn't be alive today if they were. But, you know, even they can have a bad day. Anyway, if the worst case scenario happens and their actions threaten to kill you, always remember this: there isn't a thing you can do about it. Your best course of action is to huddle with your loved ones in a corner and hope that a main character comes along. (Even if they do, don't think those beings are actually going to be punished for it. There are things even a main character can't do.)
    • Best case scenario however, you can catch them to make then into your slaves!
    • Not true. In fact, if you make an attempt to catch them or otherwise dispose of them, those main characters mentioned above will side with those powerful beings against you.
  • It doesn't matter how far you travel, how many people you meet and befriend, how many wonders you behold (especially in the "living god" category), or what kind of memories and experiences you share with the ones you care about. None of it matters if you can't beat everyone you meet in competition. Dare to be beaten by someone who happened to be luckier (or worse, more skilled) than you in a regional competition hosting thousands of entrants, and your life might as well have not happened.
    • Alternatively: Failure Is the Only Option, so you might as well not even try.
    • It doesn't matter how much skill you've gained or how you trounced your Jerkass rival. There's always someone with the gods on his side that's waiting to curbstomp you in the semifinals. And there's nothing you can do about it because Status Quo Is God.
    • Conversely, for the writers: If you ever get any closer to achieving your life's dream, no matter what else you might be able to do afterwards, your life will immediately become totally uninteresting, so it's better for everyone involved that you always fail in the end and start from scratch. Until, suddenly, you do succeed, and you just... keep going anyway.
    • It is perfectly believable for someone who starts work in a widely-practiced field at the age of ten to become the most skilled person in the country at that field before he turns eleven.
      • The true Aesop is that it's impossible because of contrived situations that are meant to screw you over at the last minute.
      • There is no crueler twist or more contrived situation than to arrive at a large-scale tournament and discover that there are other people in the world that you have not yet met who are better at your chosen field than you.
  • Faun over every female nurse and police officer with Bishie Sparkle POWAH! Then, enjoy getting cockblocked via a redhead, a glasses-wearing pipsqueak, or a neurotoxic prostate exam from a frog.
  • Just because you want to succeed at your life's goal doesn't mean you will. You'll come close, but there's always someone better.
  • Sometimes the events of your life come into conflict with the sensibilities of those who wish to hear about them, whether through subjects deemed inappropriate, medical conditions or even recent traumas. In that case, simply omit those events! Don't worry if it means important elements will go unexplained, potential characters will go missing or the plot might even derail significantly. Things will work out eventually, right?
  • ONIGIRI RICE CAKES ARE DONUTS, BITCH! Or pre-photoshopped sandwiches.
  • Meditation will increase your attack power! Beating your belly like a drum will maximize it, but at the cost of half your lifespan—so be careful.
  • When in desperation, make up your own laws of physics. Electrocuting yourself gives you super armor.
  • You can only find your true inner strength and perfect your fighting style in the heat of battle when things are at their worst. With this in mind, don't bother practicing these things in advance. All you'll do is give lumps to penguins.
  • Many animals don't want to be your friend. In that case, your only hope is to be a target for malevolent forces, so that the act of overcoming the adversity will bring you together. In fact, if the first creature you meet doesn't want anything to do with you, your best bet is to deliberately piss off everyone else around you. That way you have something to protect him from.
  • If somebody interrupts you when you're in the middle of something important, and someone close to you ends up in trouble because of said interruption, the whole thing is YOUR fault because you didn't finish what you started, never mind the fact that whoever interrupted you didn't have the patience to wait until you'd finished.
  • If you sign up for a guild to be an exploration team, it's perfectly okay for said guild to run your entire life, tell you how to act and think, punish you for stupid things, steal most of your money so you're helpless, and just generally treat you like crap. Those bad guys who make your life hell? They're always gonna get away with it, and you can never fight them and make them see reason. EVER. And Arceus help you if you even think about your friends who you recruit, because no matter how good they are, they're never good enough for Chatot. They're members of the Guild, and yet because they don't live in the Guild, they can't come with you on trips. Boy, isn't that nice? Discrimination FTW. Oh, and you'll be part of this guild for the rest of your life, and they're gonna ambush you in the middle of the woods and they're not sorry about it. That's your life. Deal with it.
  • If you come from the future, you should totally go on suicide missions and kill yourself. Everyone's cool with that, especially if their butts get saved.
  • If someone spreads lies about you in a town, everyone you know and trust will turn on you and chase you out with the intention of killing you. All because of some unfounded rumor. And you have to travel through burning places and cold places to survive and they're not sorry.
  • If bullies humiliate you, you can never fight back. You're sitting ducks and you deserve being torn to pieces by your boss, who is an arrogant jerk.
  • Being mean to the girl you like and sneering in her face every time you meet will make her fall head over heels in love with you.
  • Not liking a certain product totally justified getting banned from a gym and almost losing your chance to earn a badge to compete in the Pokemon League.
    • If on the other hand that sort of discrimination might actually be against League rules, don't bother reporting it to the proper authorities (even if you could very easily get in contact with them through any veterinary clinic). Just team up with the criminals that have been grossly obsessed with abducting your star Pokémon, and help them infiltrate the gym in exchange for a disguise of your own. Who cares what crimes they might commit once they're in there? Gotta get that badge!
  • If your Pokemon disobeys you, which humiliates you front of a crowd of people and you end up losing, don't you dare get upset about it.
  • It doesn't matter how long you have owned a Pokémon, how well you have trained it, or how strong of a bond you have formed with it. If you ever come across a group of wild Pokémon of the same evolutionary tree, the possibility of permanently losing your Pokémon and never seeing it again will come up. Even if the Pokémon truly is your closest partner and you prove to be inseparable, it will still come up. If your bond isn't perfect yet, escape such groups immediately.
  • Hey kids, want to toughen up? Then just abandon civilization and live in the forest wearing nothing but leaves. Then you'll be a superhuman!
  • Everybody is a complete idiot when it comes to recognizing people in poor disguises, but are competent in everything else.
  • Parentification of older siblings is a normal thing. Your older children won't grow up to resent you, not at all.
  • Never use public transportation. Almost every such vehicle is either a deliberate ploy to rob you or has been hijacked by someone for that purpose.
  • There's nothing wrong with abandoning your two (heavily implied to be underaged) companions for a little action. After all, the embarrassment from what conspired during this time (that you will NEVER bring up again) is probably well-deserved.
  • You don't need a license for paleontology to revive extinct species! Just mash some fossils together and see what sticks!
  • You also don't need a license to breed your Pokémon and then give them to people around the world!


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