Hank is supposed to be who you should really be. You will always be right, no matter what happens!
Likewise-"If you're a college-age female, don't bother to work hard to fulfill your dreams or try to avoid being like the rest of your trailer-trash family. Instead, just marry the local hillbilly and you'll be perfectly happy."
It's okay to cheat on your husband/wife. They're too stupid to notice the baby looks nothing like him and that you clearly have a sexual attraction towards the attractive man/woman you've known for years!
Anything new and different is evil. The best thing to do is to embrace traditional values!
Conversely with that: Accept everything that is new even if what is "new" is sold/operated/controlled by borderline Jerk Asses who are doing those new things for at times their own greedy needs.
You can be a Spanish teacher without knowing how to speak the language because White Texans are just that Dumb and/or gullible!
Doctors are incompetent, underhanded assholes.
If you try to make friends with anyone with dramatically different personal activities then you, all you get is a lifetime of misery and extreme abuse from others by just being around them.
If a close friend of yours is suffering from chronic depression, don't let him get any help. He should be a man and rough it out.
"Hank's Unmentionable Problem": Is a loved one suffering from a medical issue of a highly... personal nature? Go ahead and blab about it to every human being you see if you're seeking treatment advice. You have good intentions, that's all that matters.
"Après Hank, le Deluge": In a disaster put a complete dope in charge of the shelter.
"Lupe's Revenge": Accidentally kidnapped a little girl when you were taking your students down to Mexico for a field trip? Don't worry, just say some random words in Spanish and they'll let you go free! It's not like there's other evidence to look at.
"What Makes Bobby Run": Tradition is always important. Even when it involves entertaining people by being beaten to a pulp!
"The Petriot Act": Dogs are the only pet to have! Anything else will just make you miserable!
"Serpunt": Hey, ya know that snake your cousin's husband spent a lot of money on and got you for a pet? If it escapes, the best thing to do is to cause a city-wide panic over it and then kill it in the most inhumane and painful way possible.
"The Witches of East Arlen": Anyone who is into Tarot cards, Dungeons & Dragons, or has a general interest in witchcraft in general will force you to drink dog's blood.
Likewise, nerds are weirdos and you should never make friends with them.
"Church Hopping": Christianity isn't about how you act towards your fellow man, it's about where you sit in church.
"Business is Picking Up": It's okay to stage a lie to dissuade your son from taking an interest in an unsavory but necessary job that actually pays pretty well. Pooper scooper? That doesn't have the glamour of selling propane and propane accessories!
"Hilloween": Christians are insane, paranoid, raving, bible-thumping lunatics who want to brainwash your kids with inane theories.