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Warp That Aesop / Homestuck

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> Distort presented life lessons.

  • Enforcing a dress code leads to regicide, mass murder and the destruction of several planets.
  • Being creepy and making your crush hate you will lead to more romantic success than admitting your feelings ever will!
  • Repeatedly harassing people is for their own good, especially if you involve your friends.
    • Bothering incredibly dangerous and murderous people is not only a good idea, it's something to be encouraged.
  • Being cruel and dickish to the people who enjoy and love you and your work will only make them admire you more.
  • Being a serial killer is okay as long as you feel bad about killing one person and forget the other thousands.
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    • It's perfectly acceptable to murder someone for not living up to your expectations.
    • You shouldn't judge a murderer as evil due to values dissonance.
  • Questioning your faith will cause you to become a murderous psychopath who wants to kill their own friends and inflict a terminal cancer upon the universe.
    • ICP is one of the origins for all the problems in this universe.
    • If you are approached by a dangerous murderer intent on killing you and everyone you know, walk up to him and touch his face.
    • If you have a family history of homicidal psychosis, but don't want to be a part of it, it's better to blitz yourself into oblivion (thus creating a rather unfortunate scenario should your supply of drugs run out) than deal with it through therapy or some kind of permanent self-hypnosis.
  • You and your internet friends are the only people competent enough to last to the end of world. Anyone outside your circle of pals is either an idiot who's incapable of making anything helpful or will die quickly under hellfire.
    • And that's just fine. There's no reason to feel appropriate horror at billions dying, in fact you should embrace the goals of the forces that did so with enthusiasm and cheer!
  • Not buying the latest Sims game will kill you and everyone around you. Buying the latest Sims game will also kill everyone around you, but not you or your friends.
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  • Perfectionism is the only way. If you go off and do even the slightest things you might doom everyone around you to death.
  • It's perfectly A-okay to put teenagers in charge of creating the universe; even though they're almost completely inexperienced, they'll learn most of the essentials in a day and master it.
  • A sudden change in environment won't make you nervous, scared, crazy, or even confused; instead, it will do nothing of the sort to your mental state.
  • Remember, kids; going into dangerous, deadly and potentially scarring territory helps you grow as a person!
  • You are not special. You will never do anything remotely spectacular in your life. Only a chosen few people will ever amount to anything great; the rest of you will just crash and burn.
  • If someone tells you that you can achieve godhood by "sleeping" in a certain place, just blindly obey them and go where they told you to! It's not like they could be lying or anything. Even if someone kills you in your sleep, that's just exactly how you attain godhood!
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  • Never rebel against authority figures, even if you're doing it to save thousands from a brutal, oppressive caste system. You'll just wind up disillusioned and bitter, with everyone you love dead.
  • If you're different from everyone else, don't try to seek acceptance or do anything important with your life; that will get you killed.
  • Your personality, destiny, and role in life are all determined by who your ancestors were. Attempting to Screw Destiny or be your own person makes you evil.
  • The only way a society can be advanced enough to leave their home planet is by being ruthless and discriminatory, and even then, they need help from an evil, powerful figure.
  • Sticking your arm in something without knowing what it does will end up saving everybody someday.
  • Regardless of the countless bad deeds you have done (intentional or not) and any punishment you deserve from said deeds, your mere presence is the only thing keeping everyone and everything around you from spiraling into hell, so you must be spared!

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