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Warp That Aesop / Live-Action Films
aka: Film

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WELCOME, ladies, gentlemen, and tropers, to Darth Wiki's Favorite Game Show...

WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

Film Round! Ready.... GO!

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Movies/series with their own pages:

Individual examples:

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Genres:

    Romantic Comedies 
  • A man and a woman can't start a relationship unless he apologizes to her. Even when it's not his fault, he's actually the victim, and/or the woman is not very nice at all.
  • Men should pursue the woman he wants, even if she's said she's not interested. It's romantic and brave and she will come around in the end. Women should never pursue men ever, in any way, shape or form. You will come across as overbearing and desperate and he will laugh about you with his friends.
  • If you don't Meet Cute, don't even bother. You'll likely end up being the Dogged Nice Guy or the Disposable Fiancé.
  • If you divorce someone, certain events will happen that will make you remember why you fell in love and married them in the first place, and make you forget why you ended up divorcing in the end.
  • You are incapable of choosing the right partners on your own, and require the meddling of family and friends to play matchmaker and show you who's really right for you. And they will know, so if your family doesn't support your current relationship, it's sure to fail in favor of the person they prefer for you.
    • Playing off of this, you or your crush's current significant other will always be a jerk, neglectful, or not understanding. You are therefore justified in either dumping them for the crush your family supports, or instigating a relationship with your crush who's already taken.
  • If you see a situation that makes it look like your lover is cheating on you, never bother to ask if it's true. Instead storm off in anger and don't speak to him/her until they apologize or reveal that it was just horrible writing. Because common sense is non-existant in Romantic Comedies RomComs.
    • Take all of his/her excuses for horrible behaviour at face value. It was all just a bunch of contrived screenwriting trying to create meaningless drama.

    Any Lifetime Movie of the Week 
  • Remember, girls, all men are evil and want to rape you. And crying in the shower is the solution to all your problems!
    • And speaking of showers, always be sure to take a long lingering one right after you're raped. Don't wait for the forensics team. You wouldn't want to leave a trace of evidence that could conceivably help convict the bastard.note 
  • Gender stereotypes are oppressive and are the leading cause of both rapes (I'm a Man; I Can't Help It being one major cause) and fragile, easily victimized women. Therefore, feminism is good because it desires to reject those stereotypes and create a world with both strong women capable of handling themselves and men capable of keeping it in their pants when the women around them don't want it.
    • Likewise to all that dont trust men....EVER. They're all secretly predatory or generally psychotic or extremely sociopathic in some way or another, so, ladies, either live an entire lifetime of chastity (without even talking in person to a living male—he might trick you into doing something you don't want to do) or become a lesbian (although even your same-sex lover may try to abuse you too).
    • And the best way to defy gender stereotypes (as these films have shown us) is to depict all women as victims. And nothing helps bury the myth that men are inherently predatory than depicting the vast majority of men as being predatory.
  • Looking at softcore internet porn will ruin your relationships, turn you into the school's porn freak, and cause you to become addicted to energy drinks.
  • Teenagers are either bullies, rapists, insane, stupid, disobedient, and/or disrespectful whiny brats.
  • Any woman who is prettier than you is an evil whore that deserves punishment, preferably rape, or better still a very Cruel and Unusual Death as rigtheous vengeance for the saintly heroine.

    Other Genres 
  • Almost all kids' films about dogs: People who don't own dogs are evil quasi-Nazis who want all dogs dead for no explicable reason.
    • More like "If you hate dogs, you can go to hell!"
    • Oh, and if you happen to own a cat and dislike dogs, you're definitely a villain!
    • If you don't consider yourself a "dog person", you just need to be converted into one and stop being such a jerk.
  • Every reboot/remake ever made: The 80s was awesome. That's why it needs copious amounts of CGI, 21st Century pop music and references to things that happened after the year 2000 to recapture that feeling.
    • Found a movie that stood the test of time? Contradict that achievement by making the exact same film and hoping for the exact same reaction from a completely different generation that's grown up in a completely different zeitgeist. It's not like the new movie should have its own identity.
    • It's not plagiarism if you can get Naomi Watts involved.
  • Just about every single horror/slasher movie: Never leave the city, not even for a vacation. Murderers and sadists only live in suburbs or rural areas.
    • Being a female virgin will save your life and probably stop the bad guy, being a white male virgin will cause the audience to cheer when you inevitably die and being a woman of any colour who has sex will cause you to get slaughtered in the most erotic way possible.
  • Most Tom Hanks Films: Never go running or get on a plane, boat, plane, spacecraft, or plane with a character played by Tom Hanks.
  • Most superhero films:
    • Make sure you never disappoint that fanatic who looks like a Nerd. They will take it personally, somehow acquire deadly powers and use them to make your life a living hell.
    • Always remember to have a snappy one-liner ready before you do anything heroic. That's what people really expect from superheroes. Even the one whose arch-enemy is all about snappy one-liners. The only exception to this rule is if your superhero name happens to be "The Comedian".
    • If you're struggling to figure out which villain is your arch-enemy, it's the one who can pass for your evil twin.
    • Being a superhero is a white man's job. Women and people of colour can't be heroes unless they regularly draw attention to their race and sex.
    • Movie superheroes don't wear lightweight spandex that look unique and non-threatening to civilians. They wear bulky SWAT-style uniforms that all look the same from a distance and lack charisma.
    • Marvel Cinematic Universe: Make absolutely sure to call attention to a series that is airing on Disney Plus. Viewers will not be confused at all, because everyone has Disney Plus and has seen the series!
  • Almost all teen films usually set in high school/college:
  • Almost all "Christian" films:
  • Almost all Arthouse films: True Art Is Boring.
  • Almost all cop movies: It's completely fine to break the law - nobody cares as long as you get results.
  • Any movie Disney makes After The Last Jedi: You have every single right to bully and harass every single person who works for Disney and you have the right to hate on all the movies they make after Star Wars because “The Last Jedi” is the worst movie in the world.

Specific movies:

    #-C 
  • 10 Things I Hate About You:
    • Kissing is not what keeps an obstetrician up to his elbows in placenta.
    • Most high schools are shaped like castles.
    • A peach Fruit Roll-Up is rare.
    • It's possible for a man to kick himself in his own balls.
    • Remove head from spinchter, then drive!
    • The most attractive/desired of teenage girls have beer-flavored nipples.
    • Spray-on hair doesn't work.
    • There are two rules in the Stratford home. Rule #1: no dating allowed until you graduate. Rule #2: no dating allowed until you graduate.
    • If someone you dislike is bothering you, you have every right to draw a penis on their face.
  • The 40-Year-Old Virgin: If your friends constantly peer pressure you into doing something that clearly makes you uncomfortable, you should stick with them. After all... They only want what's best for you.
    • Being a virgin is the worst thing ever! :(
    • You can either have a sex life or you can keep your collection of (possibly rare/expensive) nerd memorabilia that you've had for years. You can't have both.
  • 12 Years a Slave: All white people who aren't Brad Pitt or Benedict Cumberbatch are evil and want to enslave all black people.
  • About the Little Red Riding Hood:
    • If you don't want your grandkid to go into the forest with only another ten-year-old child for company, you are a total jerk.
    • If a four-year-old child runs away alone into the woods, it's a sign of newfound maturity and character growth.
    • Believe any graffiti you see written on the fences.
    • Pursuing hobbies and new skills outside your usual line of work is ridiculous.
    • Get your priorities in order. If your relative wants to kill an innocent child, you should criticize their idea but still stick with them. If your relative burns your book, though, that's when you should snap and leave home.
    • Trust strangers who act friendly towards you out of the blue. Even if they have malicious intentions at first, as long as you are nice to them, they won't be able to bring themselves to harm you.
  • Ace Ventura: Hey, guys! Being an obnoxious weirdo will get you chicks!
    • If you are less than divinely perfect at something, then you deserve to be mocked and abused by everyone. And if this leads to you having a mental breakdown, then it's YOUR fault.
    • Transsexuals are evil.
  • Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls:
    • Spitting in one's face is a sign of utmost respect.
    • You should never interrupt a man who is practicing his mantra.
    • It's really hot in these rhinos.
    • Always bring a Slinky when ascending an exceptionally long flight of stairs.
    • If a sequel is considered funnier than the first film, it will still make less money.
    • Three darts is too much.
  • Adventures in Babysitting:
    • Teenagers, when you're babysitting, no matter how dangerous things get, never call the police. Just handle it yourself. It will all work out in the end. One of your charges needs to go to the emergency room? Go ahead and take him. Don't try to get in touch with his parents, even though you know where they are and could always send the police. You're trying to show them you're mature and responsible, and you've got it all under control, and that counts more than the kid's health or safety. The hospital won't need parental consent to treat him or anything. They won't even ask. It's not like there's going to be a bill.
    • Parents, it's fine that the babysitter you've got watching your kids is scarcely older than your oldest one. It's not like you need anybody with a bigger age difference. He won't at all resent the implications of being babysat by somebody so close to his own age.
      • ... especially if she's a Playboy model look-alike.
    • You probably shouldn't be friends with stupid and unlucky people.
    • Private Pyle's secret identity is Thor.
  • The African Queen: Never let anything get in the way of your dreams of committing patriotically-inspired acts of terrorism.
  • Alice in Wonderland (2010): You are not wholly you until you slayed someone (or at least are ready to.)
  • Alice Through the Looking Glass Family is the most important thing in your life! Therefore:
    • If your mother wants to sell out your (and your father's) dream and subordinate you to a person hating you and willing to humiliate you, you should publicly and unconditionally submit to her. Hopefully this will get her to reconsider at the last moment.
    • Saving your friend's family is worth risking The End of the World as We Know It.
  • American History X: As demonstrated by the ending, black people really are the murderous animals the white power gang said they were.
    • Alternately: if you're a dyed-in-the-wool bigot and begin to have some doubts about your way of life, might as well double down on your bigotry rather than listen to those doubts. It's not like karma will forgive you for your past actions.
    • Being a neo-Nazi gets the girls but if you grow as a person they'll dump your ass.
    • If you have misconceptions about race, going to prison will solve them.
  • American Justice: The best response to being arrested for a crime you didn't commit is to murder the entire police department.
  • American Psycho:
    • If you work in a boring office job and wanna live out your '80s slasher fantasy dream, just stop taking your schizophrenia meds!
    • If someone you know prefers pop-era Genesis and Phil Collins' solo work over prog-era Genesis and Peter Gabriel's solo work, chances are they're a sociopathic serial killer.
  • Angels in the Outfield:
    • God approves of cheating.
    • God is more concerned with the outcome of a baseball game than stopping world hunger and preventing genocides.
  • Angels Revenge: A schoolteacher, a lounge singer, a stuntwoman, a martial arts instructor, a supermodel, a junior police officer, and a high school student are the most qualified people to destroy all of LA's drug cartel operations.
    • Violence and torture are a-okay if they're used by sexy heroines against drug pushers.
    • In order to recruit members to your guerrilla cause, get a famous singer to help you. Because fame equals trustworthy.
  • Anna and the Apocalypse: The more of a prick you are, the more likely you'll survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Unless you sacrifice your fellow survivors to the zombie horde, then you're as good as dead.
  • Apocalypse Now: The Congo Free State wasn’t so bad. After all, the Belgians treated the natives no worse than the Americans in the Vietnam War treated the Vietnamese.
  • Apocalypto: Non-white cultures are either noble savages or decadent and corrupt dictatorships that worship clearly false gods. The only hope is to wait for Europeans to come save you. (by destroying and plundering your civilization)
    • It's a good thing those Spaniards showed up in a nick of time to stop the barbaric Mayans from committing genocide against themselves by sacrificing thousands of people to the gods.
    • It’s okay to conquer, plunder and commit genocide against a people if they were killing each other before you got there. (Sadly, this gets used to excuse genocides often.)
  • Apollo 13: Never number a mission 13 or launch a spacecraft at 13:13.
  • Are We There Yet?':
    • It's completely acceptable for children to be rude and even antagonistic to future step-parents.
    • Faking your kidnapping, almost getting yourselves lost, and getting a man to (accidentally) destroy his own vehicle is regular kid behavior.
    • A woman is totally worth dealing with out of control, misbehaving children.
    • Bratty children will receive little to no comeuppance for their destructive behavior.
  • The Artist: Remember, ladies, stalking the man you're worried about and stealing all of his possessions is the only way to stop his alcoholism. Never try to get him outside help, it'll just make things worse.
  • Atlas Shrugged: Poor people are just evil ungrateful whiners who want to destroy society, it's the rich CEOs who are the real victims!
  • Atonement: It's okay to frame an innocent man for rape and completely ruin his life if you write a book about it decades afterwards.
  • Babe: Pig in the City:
    • Most of the people in the city are jerks, so get out as soon as you can.
    • Trying to defend yourself from someone trying to rob you will only get you arrested, but breaking and entering won't.
    • Removing a tag from a piece of clothing will only destroy it in the most humiliating way.
  • Beauty and the Beast (2017): Using a washing-machine is empowering.
  • Barbie (2023):
    • The only way to have a fair and equitable society is for women to run everything and for men to just be living props with no other purpose other than to stand around and look pretty. Men shouldn't have power, because if they do they'll inevitably become oppressors and make everyone miserable.
    • If you're a woman who in any way enjoys traditionally female roles such as housekeeping, then you're brainwashed by the patriarchy and need to be set straight immediately. After all, you can't be a happy housewife and also be the author of a book.
  • Big Momma's House: Like Father Like Son: Go to college, because pleasing your parents is more important than pursuing your dreams.
  • Big Fat Liar: If someone steals something of yours; the best course of action is to go on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge and destroy their entire career
  • The Birth of a Nation (1915): Okay, it's impossible to warp the Aesop of this film (that blacks should be put in their place or they would abuse their human rights to attack white women), as that is the intended Aesop. Regarding D.W. Griffith's defense of this film, however, it can be inferred that, by denying that your Magnum Opus is racist, you can automatically clear yourself of all charges against you.
  • Black Swan: Masturbation may lead to: increased self-confidence and enhanced dancing ability, but also paranoia, hallucinations, and self-violence.
  • Blockers:
    • Women shouldn't be allowed to make decisions on their own. They should be treated as property to be guarded and fought over.
    • If you're a father, beating the shit out of your daughter's boyfriend will prove that you're a caring person and not a deranged psychopath with severe anger management issues, and you will face no legal consequences or even verbal reprimand for your violent behavior at all. All that will happen is that your daughter love you even more now that she knows you don't trust her judgement, and she will happily conform to your possessive, outdated idea that she's still a little girl.
    • Your children matter. Other children do not.
  • Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy:
    • General: While it takes initiative to take things less seriously, it takes extraordinary circumstances to take anything seriously.
    • Shaun of the Dead:
      • Being human in the 21st century is indistinguishable from an actual zombie.
      • It's not immoral to use braindead or terminally sick humans for cheap labor or entertainment. In-fact, it's the only logical thing to do with them, even if they could risk an outbreak of some kind.
    • Hot Fuzz:
      • It's never an accident. If someone dies, it's gotta be premeditated murder.
      • The best way to make people like you is to go on a shooting spree.
      • Cops shooting the elderly is heroic.
    • The World's End: Humans Are Morons and that is Why We Can't Have Nice Things.
  • Blonde:
    • Don’t sign up for a job in Hollywood if you’re a woman with blonde hair. Doing so will only cause all the men there to treat you like either a doormat or a sex toy.
    • Don’t trust any letters that get sent to you by your supposedly estranged father who you have better truly met. There is a very high chance that someone else wrote it.
    • It is hopeless to stand up to any man who is bullying you and if you try to tell on them then it will always be in vain. Instead you should drown your sorrows in drugs and booze and if you can’t take it anymore, then relinquish your life by overdosing.
  • Blood Diamond, Glory Road, and many others: There will always be a rich, shapely, intelligent, attractive, plucky and/or charismatic white person to help out the po' black folks.
  • Blood Machines:
    • All men are sexist pigs. So sexist, they'll act sexist towards female-coded robots, no matter how important they are to their very survival.
    • Nudist lesbian orgy is feminism.
  • Blue Lagoon: The Awakening: The best thing about living on a deserted island? Even if you don't shave, brush your teeth, wash yourself with soap, or apply sunblock each day, you'll always look as fresh as a daisy. And you'll be able to have all the casual unprotected sex you want with no repercussions. Survivalism? Don't worry about it!
  • Blue Valentine: Remember that if you're pregnant, currently single, and the father happens to be an abusive bastard, you must rush into a marriage with a guy you've barely been dating for a few weeks, it's perfectly okay.
  • The Blues Brothers: As long as it's in a good cause, you have no need to follow laws. Oh, and car crashes never, ever kill anyone unless they drop from a height of a hundred yards or more, so drive any way you want.
    • Unless you're wearing a nice watch. Car crashes always break watches.
    • When some weirdo tells you he's on a mission from God, BELIEVE HIM.
  • Bohemian Rhapsody: Being gay will make you lonely, gaslit and dying of AIDs. Best stick with chicks, bro.
    • What's that? You did try women, but the one you loved the most dumped you for being bisexual? Stick with women anyway.
  • The Boondock Saints: Same as Dexter above, only replace "murderers" with "mobsters."
  • Boyz n the Hood: Rather than sitting down and calmly breaking the news that your brother was just killed in a drive-by shooting to his baby mama and your mother, just drag his bloody corpse in the house and lay him up on the sofa. They'll understand.
  • Braveheart: English people are EVIL!
  • The Breakfast Club:
    • Hey, freak? All that it will take for you to be happy and accepted is to relinquish any semblance of individuality and get into clothes and makeup like all the other girls.
    • And hey, Princess? The Bad Boy only verbally abuses you because he loves you. He's definitely the one you need to date.
    • We're more alike than we're different, right? Except for you, Geek... you get to write the paper while Jerk Jock and Bad Boy get some.
    • The reason your principal is such a Jerkass (and occasionally borderline abusive) is because he has forgotten what it's like to be young. Make fun of him.
    • If you aspire to be like John Lennon, you will end up as an Almighty Janitor. And you will have more common sense than an educator with twenty years' experience.
    • Problematic teenagers are just misunderstood victims. Their parents and all the adults around them are the real monsters and it's always their fault, no matter what. Always.
  • Bridesmaids:
    • Being a bridesmaid is Serious Business.
    • An average-to-pretty woman cannot exist without people believing that random men are her partners.
    • Cops have nothing better to do than harass girls they like.
    • The nation's nuclear weapons can be found inside various shopping malls (Don't repeat that!)
    • Puppies make great party favors.
  • The Bridges of Madison County, Brokeback Mountain, Coming Home, Doctor Zhivago, Terms of Endearment, Dangerous Beauty, Dune, The Awakening, North And South, Ethan Frome, For Better Or For Worse, The English Patient, The Scarlet Letter, The Tudors, The Six Wives Of Henry VIII, Peter The Great, The Dead Zone, The Notebook: Adultery is A-OK if your True Love happens to be a person you're not married to. (Even if your spouse is a decent person who loves you deeply, someone who depends upon you for their survival, someone you have children with, or someone who was compelled to marry you by outside forces.) Feel free to chuck their feelings in the bin and pursue your own lusts at will.
    • This doubly applies if you're a woman. If you're a man, you should be prepared to take a little flak for it.
      • Unless you're very handsome. Then it becomes romantic.
      • Or gay. Then it's noble and subversive.
      • In the Brokeback Mountain book, Ennis rapes Jack, so rape is apparently an act of love.
    • And adultery is always sexy because forbidden fruit is always sweeter.
      • Again, only for women. Or men if the right soundtrack is playing and the sex is in a bed, not in an elevator or other unsavory place; if a married man does it in a nonsanctioned location, the woman he's sleeping with is inevitably a psycho stalker.
  • Bruce Almighty: If you complain about God enough, he'll give you his powers for a few weeks. Sure you might encounter a few problems, but most can be avoided by you not being an idiot, and the ones you do encounter, you can clean up in five minutes if you want to, so you can get back to using the universe, and all its inhabitants, as your playthings.
    • The best way to improve your sex life is to gain God's powers.
    • Be nice to everyone because they might become omnipotent, and if they do, it's better to be on the receiving end of spontaneous orgasms than butt-monkeys.
    • Lifting a random woman's skirt is alright if you use magic to do it.
  • But I'm a Cheerleader:
  • Camp Nowhere: Hey kids! If your parents are hassling you, just gather your friends, hire some wacky guy, and invent your own phony summer camp! You'll do fine, you'll have a great summer, and you'll fool everyone for at least six weeks. Just don't get caught.
  • Candyman, Candyman2021: Urban legends are literally out to get you. So if you even think about them, you're probably already dead.
  • Casablanca: Keeping a man who knows every resistance leader in a place where he can be kidnapped is good strategy.
    • Women who are married to handsome war heroes should try to commit adultery with bartenders. Don't worry, the bartender won't want them anyway.
    • Letters of transit signed by a Rebel Leader will obtain the favor of The Government.
    • In espionage, proper tradecraft has little importance compared to The Power of Friendship and The Power of Love. Remember that if you ever become a spy.
  • Cats & Dogs: Cats. Bad. Dogs. Good.
    • In the sequel, it's perfectly okay to hire an inexperienced loose cannon who is a liability. As long as he is a total racist.
  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Your father pulled an I Have No Son! and abandoned you when you were a child because he disagreed with your career plans? Reconcile with him! He just wanted to protect you because he loved you!
  • Christmas with the Kranks: If you decide to go somewhere else for Christmas, it's okay for the neighbors to harass you, because you're a horrible person.
    • Forget what all the other Christmas movies told you. Materialism is the reason for the season.
    • If you fail to conform to the whims of society, then harassment and attacks against you are totally justified.
    • Not celebrating Christmas is a big enough deal in suburban America to make the front-page in the local newspaper.
    • Skipping Christmas for saving money and going on a cruise to spend some time with your significant other and take a break from the holidays stress will make you a selfish, childish, sinful person... That is unless you or your significant other is dying of cancer where it's totally acceptable and no one will judge you for it.
    • Wanting to go on a vacation to someplace else for Christmas and deviating from tradition automatically makes you The Scrooge. No exceptions even if the holidays aren’t treating you well.
    • Getting a tan in a tanning booth is unchristian.
    • Don't trust the cops. They are only there as part of the mob and not as a means of enforcing any laws or protecting your rights as a citizen.
    • Being upset that your nosy neighbors ruined your vacation for their own selfish reasons makes you the selfish one.
  • Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV: Plastic surgery is bad.
  • Clerks: Once you blame your best friend for everything wrong with your life, he is absolved of anything he did wrong that made your life miserable that day and that makes his philosophy about acting like a jerk at work right.
  • Cloud Atlas: Everything in the universe is completely connected to everything. Your very existence depends on the outcomes of both the past and the future. Oh, and the future and past and every soul that has ever lived depends off of your existence. Better not fuck that up. No pressure, or anything.
  • Cool Cat Saves the Kids: All bullies have no friends and so to resolve your bullying problem, you just have to tell them to stop.
    • If you have no friends that means you must be a horrible bully with no redeeming qualities.
    • Kids should open anonymous texts which tell them they've won a load of money in a "secret contest".
    • Bullies always say the exact opposite of the truth. If a bully says you're fat, it's because you're actually thin. If a bully says that you wear glasses, it's because you actually don't. note 
    • If someone sends you a text containing an insult, then sends you another text, make sure to read the second text- after all, it could contain an apology!
    • Only fat people can be bullies.
    • Stealing sweets from other kids can get you arrested.
    • Look both ways before crossing the road, unless you're chasing down a bully.
  • Crash: If a guy feels you up, he's going to save you from doom eventually, but only if he's a cop. Therefore, it's okay to be felt up as long as the guy feeling you up is an authority figure.
  • Cries and Whispers: You're a bad person if you don't want to cuddle with the undead, rotting corpse of your family member.
  • C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America: All white Americans are evil racists.
  • Cuties: Sexualizing children is disgusting and harmful; now, let's watch some 11 year olds with visible camel-toes twerk galore.

    D-G 
  • Daddy's Home 2: You should never try to discipline your bratty stepdaughter; just telling her you love her will certainly change her ways.
    • There's nothing wrong with having a crush on your stepsister, even as a preteen boy.
    • Divorce is a humorous subject, especially in front of an audience.
    • If someone continously writes about you in the journal they always seem to have with them, it's only because they're jealous of/admire you.
  • The Dark Crystal: Need to save the world? Send the naive kid who's never been outside his childhood home before.
  • The Day After and Threads: Scare 'Em Straight actually works.
  • Defending Your Life: Fear is always bad. This includes fear-based instincts like self-preservation.
  • Descendants: Go ahead and choose your alliance, but keep in mind that good characters are bland, dull, and boring while villains and their kids have much more colorful and exciting personalities.
  • Diary of a Mad Black Woman:
    • If you've been cheated on by your husband (bonus points if he has two kids behind your back) and forcefully removed out of your house while the mistress is watching the whole time, you'd be crazy if you acted bitter and angry from the whole thing.
    • It's only your fault if your good childhood friend turns to drugs simply because you "abandoned" them.
    • Wives and mistresses wear the exact same size dresses.
    • Never sign a "renup" prior to marriage, especially if your spouse is broke when you got married.
    • Your average Dolce & Gabbana garment makes for a decent if not expensive rag.
    • Vera Wang is a manicurist.
  • District 9: Humans will generally have an epiphany that causes them to stop being racist, baby-murdering assholes when you give them the ability to use gravity guns and robot suits. Also, an alien race that has been subjected to 26 years of forced abortions, economic marginalization, segregation, flagrantly illegal and inhumane medical experimentation, and general misery at the hands of humans will totally accept you as their own if you look enough like them and save one of them with your cool giant robot suit that you stole.
    • The only way for humans to empathise with others is to physically become one of them.
    • If you're part of a historically marginalized group that's endured segregation and multiple violations of your rights, don't try to change the system and co-exist. Get back in your ship and go back to where you came from.
  • Disturbia: Hey guys. Want to get a girl to fall for you in two seconds flat? Spy on her while she's stripping down to a bikini for an entire week, and just tell her all the details of what she does like what she reads, how she looks at herself in a mirror, and how she as OCD for opening a door a certain way. She'll think it's sweet and get busy with you until your next door neighbor murders someone.
    • If you cannot expose your neighbor for being a killer due to being on house arrest, it's perfectly fine to ask your friends to risk their lives and enter his house for you. And they'll still be your friends......if they're alive after the ordeal.
    • If you're going to steal, why aim low? Steal from Hitchcock.
    • Speaking ill of the dead will get you no punishment.
  • Do the Right Thing: It's wrong for people to burn a pizzeria down. But when minority groups aren't properly represented, something has to be done.
    • Rioting is a reasonable action to take if you have been wronged.
  • DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story: Gym monkees are all assholes. Only workout to be at the minimum standard.
  • Don't Look Up:
    • Americans are vapid, narcissistic idiots who will never, ever, even when their very lives are on the line, listen to the scientists. They are also so willfully ignorant that they will deny the existence of a planet-killing comet even when they are seeing it with the naked eye.
    • The rest of the world won't even try to stop a disaster that will end all life on Earth until it is already too late. Only the United States has any agency in world affairs. It's not like anyone who watches the sky for a living would notice this.
    • Never elect a woman into the American presidency. She will be at least as bad as Donald Trump.
  • Drag Me to Hell:
    • Gypsies are rightly shunned and discriminated against, since they are evil, spiteful demons who will consign your immortal soul to hell for any perceived slight.
    • If your house is foreclosed on after two extensions, its the middle-manager who was literally forced to work with you's fault.
    • You embarrass yourself in public? The only rational thing to do is to damn another person's soul for eternity.
    • Only the lesser of two evils are sent to Hell. The people they work for and the system they live under can go free unmolested.
  • Dragonball Evolution: If you get one perfect wish, don't wish for anything to actually help the world, just bring your dead mentor back to life.
  • Drive (2011): Love interest's husband got his life on the line because mob members are trying to get him to do a job and he refuses? Get yourself involved and totally screw things up. You'll be able to kick everyone's asses and get away just barely alive.
  • Drop Dead Fred: If someone comes into your life acting like a sociopathic jerk and nearly ruins everything, it's always for a good reason.
    • Also, being a crazy jerk to someone is the best way to help them deal with their troubled childhood.
  • Ella Enchanted: The British are inept or evil. Black women are inept and ignorant. Young, attractive American women are utterly oppressed in today's society by their evil British master/mistresses. Celebrities are oppressed by their rabid fans. A happy ending occurs only when everyone except the Asian chick gets some.
  • Empire Records:
    • Anyone who holds up a business at gunpoint is just jealous of the staff and wants to work there.
    • People will make fun of you for liking rap, metal and Whitney Houston.
    • Making out with your boyfriend in public is perfectly legal.
    • Gluing currency to the floor isn't considered illegal, either; it's art!
    • Dancing looks similar to having an epileptic fit.
    • People who shave their heads have better taste in music than people with full heads of hair.
  • Enchanted: Love at First Sight doesn't exist. So make sure you spend, ooh, at least three days getting to know the naive woman-child who adores housework, children and fluffy animals before you dump your long-term girlfriend (don't worry about her; she might seem like a smart, independent career woman, but ten seconds with a fairytale prince will sort that right out.)
    • The best place to keep your emergency credit card is not in a fireproof safe or lockbox along with your passports, but in your sock drawer, where your six-year-old can have easy access.
      • Because not having anything to wear to the dance is definitely an emergency.
    • Successful female scientists and businesswomen don't make good, desirable role models for young girls; only princesses do.
    • It's perfectly fine to marry a guy you barely know after getting dumped by your long time boyfriend. Things will work out for the best.
    • If you accidentally fall into a different universe, don't make any effort to go back if you find someone and get married, despite the fact that you may have family and friends waiting for you.
  • Existen Z: Life is just a game so killing people has no negative consequences.
    • If you murder a Chinese waiter just tell people in the restaurant "it was a misunderstanding over the cheque" and they'll all turn back to their tables as if nothing happened.
  • Escape from Tomorrow: If you make fun of others for liking something you don't, cheat on your wife with some random crazy lady who committed murder, sexually pursue two underage girls, and just all-around act like a whiny insensitive jerkass, you'll be rewarded with an even better life with a new hot wife and new kid. Consequences? What are those?
  • Exodus (1960): The proper way to win the heart of a woman is to take them into a war zone and make constant ideological sermons to them.
    • Jewish guys are just as lucky in love as Jewish girls. But only if they are Badass Israelis.
  • Extra Ordinary (2019):
    • The only rational thing to do if you have Writer's Block is to kill teenage girls.
    • The Irish have no real problems that would count as Unfinished Business beyond mundane peeves.
    • All Americans are Ax-Crazy.
    • Fornication can save your life. Being a virgin is just asking for trouble.
  • Falling Down:
    • Los Angeles is a land of stereotypes.
    • The sensible thing to do to Neo-Nazis in their private armory is tell them to their face that they are scum.
    • Kids in LA are familiar with rocket launchers.
  • The Family That Preys:
  • Fanboys:
    • It's okay to be a self-entitled jerk, as long as you're part of the fandom of a popular franchise.
    • Bullying people for being part of a fandom you don't like is great!
    • Don't ask for an advance copy of a film, even if you don't like it, just break into the studio making it and steal a workprint.
  • Father of the Bride (1991): Fathers, if you don't want your daughter to get married even when she's old enough, you have every right to still be overprotective over her.
  • Fatman:
    • Money makes everything worse, but it's still better to have more of it.
    • You can always count on the military industrial complex to make everything better.
  • Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Hey kids - neglect your education and leech off the sympathy and good-will of everyone around you — everyone will love you, and you'll get to do whatever you want with absolutely no consequences.
    • P.S. — authority figures are just intellectually inferior jerkasses who just want to spoil your fun. Don't listen to em'. Ever.
    • If you are a high school principal concerned about a truant student, it is perfectly okay to knock out his pet dog with a flowerpot and break into his house. If you frighten his twin sister in the process, who cares?
    • Charisma is basically a superpower.
    • Being spoiled and entitled is awesome as hell!
  • The Fighter: The number of problems that can be solved by beating up a Liverpudlian approaches infinity.
  • All the Final Destination movies: Never try to save anyone's life, they'll just die in some worse way a little later.
  • For Colored Girls:
  • Forrest Gump:
    • If you do what you're told, never question authority and drift through life without direction or purpose, you will become a football star, a war hero, a ping-pong champion and a millionaire. People who want to question authority and actually engage society in tumultuous times are just the product of child sexual abuse, will end up addicted to drugs, live miserable lives and die of AIDS.
      • Doubly funny, given that must of the people involved in that film actually have had to deny that warped Aesop.
    • It's perfectly okay to go running to a faithful (and now wealthy) childhood friend for security and shelter after squandering most of your profligate youth on attractive bad boys who mistreated and abused you. And because your friend has both a mental handicap and a trusting nature, you can even convince him your illegitimate child is his without fear of him doubting you!
  • 40 Days and 40 Nights: Erections are entirely voluntary. Even if the guy having it is asleep.
  • Freddy Got Fingered: If your idiotic, slacker adult son is wearing your suit backwards and asking for a Trapper Keeper, then it's only rational to believe that he's gainfully employed.
    • There's nothing wrong with sending an ostensibly molested adult to a home for molested children.
    • Levitating meat produces inspiration.
    • A small child constantly getting hurt in increasingly graphic ways is funny.
    • Derisively trying to goad your son into sexual relations with you is probably not the best way to prove yourself innocent of molestation.
    • If your best friend suffers a compound fracture of his leg, you should promptly mock his pain and lick his exposed bone.
  • Free Guy: Free will only exists due to lazy coding.
  • The Game (1997): if you don't like someone's personality, feel free to drive them to the point of suicide in an attempt to make them adopt a new one.
  • Gangs of New York: Scars from having a burning-hot knife pressed against your face won't tarnish your good looks too much, as long as you're as handsome as Leonardo DiCaprio.
    • Bringing a child to watch a massive, bloody street brawl is just fine. If the child's father is laying on the ground bleeding to death, you have to make the child watch as his arch enemy finishes him off.
    • Massive, bloody street brawls resulting in large death tolls and mutilations are the only way to solve conflicts. Assassinations and guns are for wimps who have no honor.
  • The Garbage Pail Kids Movie: Got a bunch of ugly freaks that like to steal things and beat people up? Don't allow authorities to take care of them, just shove them into a tiny little garbage pail, that'll keep them quiet.
  • Gattaca: Humanity will immediately and invariably misuse any technology it creates.
    • You, too, can achieve your dreams if you have grit, moxie, guts, determination, spirit, criminal contacts, a willingness to engage in fraudulent misrepresentation for long periods, and a near-sociopathic disregard for the risks any medical conditions you may possess pose to your co-workers.
    • This also sums up In Time.
  • Get Out (2017): If you ever meet a black person that doesn't speak, act, or dress like the stereotypical depiction of a black person, it's perfectly fine to mock and ridicule them behind their back and/or meet them with fear and suspicion. Non-conformity is evil.
  • Ghostbusters (1984): Strapping sirens and flashing lights on your car gives you permission to drive like a maniac without getting a ticket.
    • Government agencies that protect the environment are just big bullies pushing small businesses around.
    • If a business is keeping a nuclear reactor in the middle of a highly populated city, it's clearly the environmental government agency who's in the wrong when they force the business to shut the reactor down.
    • It is heroic to make a business out of imprisoning the souls of deceased people who did nothing wrong aside from exist and scare the living.
      • Anyone different from yourself who scares you or makes you feel threatened just by existing should be imprisoned. Racial profiling by police is therefore good.
    • If someone asks you if you are a God, you'd better say yes.
  • Ghostbusters II: No matter how many people witness it, never save the day. You'll only get sued into near poverty.
  • Glitter:
    • 1983 looks nothing like 1983.
    • If everyone tells you how amazing you are, your road to stardom will be expedited.
    • Cats live for a very long time.
    • That emotionally abusive, domineering and jealous alpha Male with a short temper is your soulmate and only wants what's best for you.
    • Silver streaks just randomly appear on your body for no good reason.
  • God's Not Dead: A Light in Darkness: The Problem of Evil isn't important enough in a religious debate.
  • The Godfather Part II: Whoever has the least friends wins.
  • Godzilla (1998): The American Military is far better than anyone else's, even when they end up causing MORE damage than the giant pregnant lizard they're trying to shoot.
    • Likewise- "It's OK to blame people for YOUR mistakes...no matter HOW big they are."
      • Also- "Screw allegory and all that Hiroshima and Nagasaki crap! Everyone knows that bombing the life out of something is the ONLY way to solve a problem."
    • That's a lot of fish.
  • Godzilla's Revenge: Violence is always the answer. Also, it's a GOOD idea to hang out with the creepy old man and daydream constantly about a talking dinosaur and what appears to be a cat on acid.
  • Gone Girl:
    • Never wrong a woman! She will ruin your life, and make you wish you were never born!
    • "Amazing Amy" isn't so.
    • The close bond between brother and sister will eventually arouse suspicion that the relationship is incestuous.
    • There's something to say about the intelligence of a woman who has given birth to four children within a short amount of time.
    • Only the best wives can eat cold pizza and endure Adam Sandler movies.
  • Grease: Want to get that guy you like back? Just get a trampy makeover and take up smoking. You'll be back together in no time!
    • This is an especially good idea if you dumped him for being too sexually aggressive!
    • The '50s were such an idyllic time that even the juvenile delinquents were harmless!
    • The Vice-Presidency is a higher honor than the Presidency.
    • Teenagers in The '50s all looked at least twenty-five or thirty years old.
  • The Great Dictator: Fascism is hilarious!
    • That is, you know...kind of the point. Most tyrannical leaders become much less frightening when they are openly mocked; Chaplin's intent was to try and drive home how ridiculously stupid all of Hitler's ideas were by poking fun at them with the best techniques he used: slapstick comedy.
    • Hitler and Charlie Chaplin actually ARE the same person!!
      • Just like you thought when you were a kid!
  • The Green Knight: Either you go on that Suicide Mission or you're a coward unworthy of being called a man!
  • Gremlins: Never give a rare animal a chance to reproduce. All its children will just turn out to be evil.
    • Gremlins (1984): Stealing someone else's pet is fine as long as you give them back in the end.
    • Gremlins 2: The New Batch: All scientists are diseased obsessed weirdos who want to torture cute little animals. So go ahead and electrocute 'em!
  • Groundhog Day and Donnie Darko: Suicidal people aren't suffering from psychological problems, they're just time travelers attempting to escape a time loop! They'll come back...really.

    H-L 
  • Halloween III: Season of the Witch: Irish people are child-killing cultists.
  • The Hangover: Stealing is fine if you fix everything later.
    • Being completely wasted at the time is a perfectly valid excuse to do whatever the fuck you want. Hey, Mike Tyson said it, so it must be true!
      • Legally, this is actually true. Involuntary intoxication is an absolute defense to pretty much any crime. The "involuntary" part is, however, mandatory. Just intoxication has the opposite legal effect in most cases.
    • Animal cruelty is FUNNY, dammit!
  • The Happening: Nature hates and wants to kill us so we should be environmentalists!
  • Hellboy (2004): Demons and psych patients are the best choices to save the world.
    • All Urban Legends are real.
    • It was just 45 seconds or so. Believe me, NO ONE will miss the Moon for 45 seconds.
  • Hereditary: Don't do drugs. Or else, you'll accidentally kill your younger sister, making your mom insane with grief, making your dad burned to death, and making you possessed by a pagan demon worshiped by a Religion of Evil.
  • High School Musical 2:
    • Consumerism and materialism are the best things ever.
    • Interracial couples via Last-Minute Hookup are all well and good, but they won't last to the next movie. No, the girl will simply go back to drooling over the pretty white hero as if nothing had ever gone on between her and the black guy.
  • Hocus Pocus: Virginity is dangerous. Get rid of it immediately.
    The Nostalgia Chick: This Halloween, if you're still a virgin, STOP IT! You never know when your virginity might accidentally unleash an undead Bette Midler from beyond the grave.
    • Because still being a virgin at the age of 15 makes you a complete loser! Seriously, if it hasn't happened by then, it never will.
  • Home Alone:
    • Say kids, are there burglars in your house! Fight them off with traps!
    • Do be sure to call the police, but only after they've made it past your traps, and even than, use a false identity.
    • Don't terrorize your pizza delivery guys with an old movie.
    • If you cut your toxic family members from your life, you'll eventually miss them.
    • Even if you have a legitimate grievance against someone, violently attacking them doesn't help your reputation.
    • Does a reclusive old guy rumored to be a serial killer ominously stare at you for no reason? No need to be afraid - he's Not Evil, Just Misunderstood.
  • Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey:
    • Never ever go on a trip and leave your pets in the care of a good friend, they'll get lonely and believe you abandoned them. Plus they'll end up going on a dangerous trek to find you.
    • It's okay to yell at and blame your stepfather for your pet going missing, it's not like any of this was beyond his control or anything.
    • If you fall into a raging river and go over a waterfall, remember that it's your own fault for ignoring advice on how to properly get across a river all because you refused to get wet.
    • Flinging a cat across the yard using a seesaw is hilarious and acceptable, especially if she mouthed off to you earlier.
    • The only way to truly appreciate having a family is to go on a hazardous journey through mountains and forests to get back to them.
  • Hook: Child warfare is okay if they're dressed in bright colours.
    • Courtesy of the Mad Magazine spoof: If you fall in love, you want to grow up. And when you grow up, you die. Therefore, love equals death.
  • Hop: Remember children, if you work hard you can overcome the negative preconceptions of others and go on to live your dream, but only if you're white, male and middle class. If you're ethnic and/or of the working class, then trying make a better life for yourself will only result in horrible disfigurement, leaving you a grotesque and lonely abomination.
  • Hostel: Foreigners are EVIL!! And Americans. And hot women. And businessmen. And children... You know what? Everyone's evil.
  • House of Sand and Fog: Remember to check your mail regularly because if you don't, an innocent family will die.
  • The House Bunny: Shut up, woman.
  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas!: Committing a large number of counts of burglary, sabotaging everyone's favorite holiday, and putting children in danger will be completely forgiven if you say you're sorry and/or were only doing it because you didn't fully understand the holiday in question.
    • 2000 film version extension: If someone suggests you should be punished, mistrusted, or less-than-fully-respected for mass-burglary after you apologize, they're a more despicable person than you.
    • Being mocked in elementary school justifies mass-burglary and vandalism when you become an adult.
  • Hugo: Disabled war veterans are suitable objects for mockery, derision, and physical humor. It also says he was an orphan, so that's funny, too.
  • The Human Centipede:
    • Learn to change a tire.
    • Never ask a German for help, because they'll just use surgery to turn you into a freak.
    • There's nothing wrong with accepting a drink from someone who states "I don't like human beings."
  • I Accuse My Parents: You can be forgiven of any crime if you're dumb enough.
  • Idiocracy: Everyone dumber than you should be neutered or euthanized. It's for the best.
    • Good, intelligent people can't have kids. Idiotic white trash, on the other hand, have more kids than Catholic rabbits!
    • Intelligence, taste, empathy and other such traits can only be passed on genetically! LAMARCK WAS RIGHT!
    • The quality of an offspring's intelligence is always equal to that of the parent's.
  • In Bruges: Your ability to appreciate art and culture is directly proportional to your ability to stifle your internal conscience.
    • There's just no good reason to go to Belgium.
  • Inception: Don't get therapy for your problems, take drugs and hallucinate yourself better.
  • Independence Day: in America's darkest days, those who deserve to survive will be the heroic President, handsome rookie marines, sexy strippers with a heart of gold, cute kids, and useful Jewish nerds. Those who do not deserve to survive are hippies, working women (except said sexy stripper), Area 51 scientists, and war veterans with mental problems (though they'll get a hero's death, don't you worry).
    • If a giant wall of fire is blasting down a tunnel, simply duck into a side room (without even the need to close the door) for safety.
    • Humans are doomed to be a warlike people. The only way they will stop fighting each other is if aliens come along and give them someone else to fight with.
    • Finally to that For all of humanities disgust and moral pacifist aversion to mass genocide its perfectly OK and even applauded and encouraged if it only happens to other sentient species outside of our planet.
    • If you aren't American, then your nation's government will impotently await orders from the great Eagleland instead of organizing their own defense/counterattack.
  • Inglourious Basterds: You can behave as brutally as you want, as long as your targets are acceptable to mock, especially Nazis.
  • Insidious Series
    • Serial killers and demons get an edgy astral lair to afterlife in and have a fun time toying with the living. Lucky us!
    • A sign of a dangerous demon is "They look like Darth Maul mixed with Freddy Krueger." (Not a bad guideline actually.)
    • If you really want to go to an acting school, put all your eggs in one basket, plan no alternatives, and just wing it at the audition.
    • If a guy is chasing you with a gun, a bludgeoning AND a bookshelf dropped on the head is a heroic defense that won't be seen as excessive in the slightest.
    • Remember to close all astral doors behind you, demons are weak to closed doors. (Maybe they misplaced the keys.)
  • It (1990): You can always trust someone as long as they reveal their name to you, even if they have a floating fetish.
  • The Italian: Never immigrate to the United States.
  • It's a Wonderful Life: The entire universe revolves around your existence and no one could function without you!
    • Also, apparently, being a librarian without a husband is some sort of awful Fate Worse than Death, and the revelation that without you, your wife would have been one is almost so terrible you will realize you need to live again.
    • If you want to prevent somebody from killing themselves by jumping off a bridge, the best thing to do is to jump off the bridge yourself so that they'll jump off to save you.
    • If you're a teenage girl and want your mother to stop meddling in your love life, lie to her and say that your boyfriend is having sex with you at that very moment!
    • The Hays Code had such a stupidly tight stranglehold over standards in Hollywood that it didn't even allow one worker to stand up to their asshole of a boss.
    • If that miserable and useless drunk whose constant screw-ups eventually caused heartache for you just happens to be your Uncle, then you shouldn't bother calling him on it, either. After all, family is family.
    • If you convince yourself and everyone else that everything you do is for the good of the people, then you can give your dumbest relative a job at your company that he's completely unqualified for. And if you entrust said idiot with the company's money which he proceeds to lose, there will be no consequences, as long as you have a friend who is a war-profiteer that is willing to use his company's money to bail you out, and another friend in law enforcement that is willing to tear up an arrest warrant in front of a room full of witnesses.
  • Jacob's Ladder: If you're experiencing the following symptoms, you might be dying on drugs and experiencing a very cinematic and even coherent Dying Dream:
    • Subways Suck, and are ridden by barely awake passengers. Someone might even lock up your station exit for kicks. Better take the bus.
    • You could get much worse than PTSD. You could find yourself the unwitting test subject of a Psycho Serum being harassed by The Men in Black after the war and chased by demons.
  • Jason X: Even if every single person who could conceivably be blamed for your woes has been dead for centuries and you've caused thousands of deaths due to your Roaring Rampage of Revenge, there's no a reason whatsoever to consider halting it and putting the past to rest.
  • Jem and the Holograms (2015): No matter what happened, you can always gain forgiveness through the power of cheesy singing.
    • It's perfectly OK to steal someone's car, so make sure to film it for the judge.
    • You should rename the band without even consulting it's members.
    • Don't tell everyone about the contracts you sign, let it be a surprise! And don't even tell everyone about why you had to make those tough choices.
  • Jesus Christ Superstar (1974 version): Hell is a disco.
    • Actually, this sounds pretty accurate.
  • Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey: If a fully sentient being doesn't want to be sold en masse, then they're just being selfish and are in some desperate need of some... Reprogramming...
  • John Tucker Must Die: If you're unpopular in school and you have zero friends, stepping out your comfort zone makes you a fake bitch.
  • Johnny English: The culprit is the one you immediately suspect, particularly if he's from a country you dislike.
  • Judgment at Nuremberg: All Germans really are Nazis.
  • Juno: Teen pregnancy is a normal part of growing-up which will cause your ex-boyfriend/best-guy-friend to get back together with you, and make you closer to your family, all while learning a bunch of valuable life lessons along the way. Also, as soon as you deliver you'll be able to waltz right back into the life you had before you got knocked up.
  • Jupiter Ascending:
    • It's shallow to resent your own poverty.
    • Don't use your newfound authority to stop entire races from being exterminated just to make consumer goods, just get back to your own boring life.
  • Jurassic Park: Playing God and bringing extinct animals to life to display in an expensive island zoo is fine, actually. The only reason it could possibly fail is because of one treacherous disgruntled employee.
    • There were no such thing as feathered dinosaurs (or maybe there were, but either way we should take advantage of the magnificent opportunity genetic engineering presents to cover that unpleasant fact up).
  • Jurassic World: People who don't get on well should be put in mortal danger together. Fire-Forged Friends are the best friends (there shall now be a long and controversial discussion about whether this Truth in Television or not).
  • Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom: It's better to be remembered as the jerks who caused a catastrophic invasive species epidemic than it is to be remembered as the jerks who let said species die out, even if the latter would've been better for everyone in the long run.
  • Just Cause: Don't ever try to help a death row inmate who you think may have been wrongly convicted of murder. They really are guilty of the crime, and will repay you by trying to murder your family.
  • The Kid: The Child Protective Service is an evil organization that enjoys taking children away from loving parents. How dare they take a little boy away from a dirt-poor surrogate dad that found the child by a trash can and uses him to break windows while he walks down the street selling glass.
  • Kill Bill:
    • Ripping off the plotline for Hard to Kill isn't that bad of an idea.
    • Only a moron would admire the artistic outlines of how the people killed in a massacre are positioned.
    • Dogs are capable of busting up an entire living room set.
    • The punishment for displaying racism, xenophobia and misogyny against your boss is death.
    • A White woman can single-handedly defeat an entire army of well-trained ninjas, but she's certainly no match for a lone, drunken White man with a shotgun filled with gravel.
    • No one could survive being blinded in the middle of nowhere with a Black Mamba in their vicinity...or can they?
  • The King and I:
    • Non-Western countries are backward, barbaric places in need of a Western teacher to reform them with her own culture's values. If the ruler never sees eye-to-eye with her, he should die so his son can take over and Westernize the country under her influence.
    • Women, if you think for yourselves, the men you love will die, and you'll end up alone.
  • The King's Speech: It's perfectly acceptable to hire a man with no credentials to help you with your speech problems, after all, they know more than those snobby little professionals do.
    • Stutterers have no friends.
    • British defense policy is based on the assumption that soldiers will never fight for a monarch who happens to stutter. Even though they have in the past fought for monarchs who were tyrants, drunkards, adulterers, incompetent fools, insufferable snobs, and once or twice even clinically insane. But fighting for a stutterer is beyond the pale. Therefore the king must learn to speak without stuttering or The Good Kingdom is doomed.
  • Knocked Up: If you get a one-night stand pregnant, she'll drop all her plans to form a family with you.
    • Even if you're a 20-something stoned slacker; getting a job, moving out and kicking your marijuana habit can be done in no time at all. Job seekers are just lazy!
  • Krampus: If you don't like Christmas, you and your entire family are going to Hell.
    • You are only a real man when using violence in a crisis.
  • Krippendorf's Tribe: Lying is a fun group activity that can bring a family closer together. Misuse of a school's funds to pay the family's living expenses is good parenting. Someone who tries to expose the lying and cheating of others (in order to maintain some semblance of academic professionalism) is a nasty bitch who deserves no respect. Bonus lesson: it's OK to secretly videotape yourself and your ladyfriend having sex, then show the video to the whole world. She'll forgive you.
  • Labyrinth: Never let your oldest child babysit their younger siblings, they will get them kidnapped.
  • The Last Samurai: When change comes to your country, irrationally resisting it with all your might is the correct course of action.
    • Killing for the right reasons will cure your PTSD.
    • If you're a foreign soldier and are surrounded by the enemy, grab the enemy's color and start waving it around while growling. The general will spare you, welcome you to his family, take walks with you, train you to fight like him, and eventually will even die for you. He will not just order his men to kill your insane ass on the spot or drag you off to a POW camp.
    • If you kill someone, you will get his kick-ass armor (and the ability to use it perfectly without training), his Closer To Nature Zen philosophy, and his wife.
  • Lawrence of Arabia: If you kill enough Turks, Arabs will worship you. This is a desirable thing.
  • Legally Blonde:
    • If any man knows a lot about shoes, shoe brands, shoe designers, and the composition and qualities of shoes, then that automatically means he’s gay.
      • Adding to that, a gay person can only be exclusively gay and mild bisexuality doesn't exist.
    • Asking trick questions to witnesses is an acceptable code of conduct for lawyers to use during a trial.
  • Limitless: Drugs will make you rich, get you laid, and if you keep using them, the negative side effects all disappear!
  • Little (2019):
  • The Long Kiss Goodnight: Never, never use the peephole. (See Killing Joke, above.)
  • Love & Other Drugs: Trying to find a cure for the horrible disease that's slowly eating away your loved one's life makes you a terrible person because it means that you don't want to accept him/her for who he/she is!

    M-R 
  • Madea's Big Happy Family:
    • You're a bitch for (rightly) resenting your family for acting like the family is perfect when it's anything but.
    • Having conceived a child through an incestuous relationship with your Uncle makes you the bad guy, not him. Also, your family members will always throw this in your face to make sure that they "get the last word in".
    • Hiding Behind Religion, keeping damaging secrets from your children and not putting their best interests first in the long run is completely acceptable if you happen to be dying of cancer, then they're wrong, not you.
  • Madea Goes to Jail:
    • Prostitutes make better partners than intelligent attorneys.
    • If you went through a traumatic experience in your past, never try to get help and move on from it; just wallow in your misery and lash out at everyone else until your best friend has a breakdown and has to beg for your forgiveness. Only then can you move on.
    • It's possible to make brownies without any access to an electric or gas appliance.
    • Your semi-dopey best friend can bring down your very corrupt and understandably jealous fiancee but he can't stand up to his own obnoxious and domineering wife.
    • If a drug-addled and long-lost friend is in need of help, don't bother to seek out the services of a trained professional; your blind and misguided support is all that's needed. It will in no way backfire on either one of you.
    • Having a crowd of uninvited people in your home is a good reason to pull a machine gun on them, especially if you have a long criminal record and were just released from custody.
  • Mad Max: Fury Road: Never give a woman a position of authority in your organization. She will betray you.
    • You must save the women from abuse only if they are young and hot. Never bother with old or fat ones.
    • If a worked up guy holds you and your friends at gunpoint and couldn't care less about your well-being, you can insult him all you want, he absolutely won't lose it and shoot you dead.
    • Betraying your comrades and leader is okay if it gets you laid.
    • Women are good and men are evil, unless they are subservient to women.
    • Killing people in desert car chases is an excellent way to cure your mental conditions.
    • Feminism is all you need to create a stable civilization out of an apocalyptic wasteland.
  • Mamma Mia!: Being a "lone wolf" apparently means shunning commitment, until you meet another "lone wolf" (i.e. another person who shuns commitment), at which point you immediately throw yourself at them and beg them to marry you.
    • It doesn't matter that he didn't offer any support when you were growing up, your father is a critical part of your identity. You should lash out at your single mother for this reason.
    • Call off that expensive wedding even though you still like the guy. Because... reasons. Your mom and her newly-reconciled ex will be right there to tie the knot in your place.
    • Not only should you take your mother's promiscuity in stride, but you should also steal her diary and divulge its saucy secrets to your friends. And sing a song about it.
  • Man of the House: College cheerleaders are wiser about relationships and parenting than middle-aged law enforcement officers, so asking them to stop dressing like sluts is unjustifiably cruel.
  • Manos: The Hands of Fate: So long as you show a healthy distrust of unusual modes of speech and physical features, and do not work too hard to learn about anything, you will be safe.
    • Making films on a bet is a great idea! Especially if you're a fertilizer salesman with zero movie-making experience!
  • Master and Commander: Cool people kill Frenchmen.
  • The Men in Black Films: All real humans have uniform facial proportions. Anyone who looks even a little bit weird is clearly an alien.
    • Unless they're insanely hot, in which case they're just aliens with better disguises.
    • Tampering with a stranger's memory and possible psyche is okay. It's not like they're your problem or anything.
  • Metropolis: If you're an abused worker, it's completely okay to destroy your workplace. So what if the machines you operate are the whole reason why the city runs to begin with? The evil witch told you to do it!
  • Mission: Impossible Film Series:
    • Being a secret agent means doing death-defying stunts, and lots and lots of running.
    • If your average Joe CIA worker gets beaten by a world-class inflation team, he has no excuse and deserves to be sent to Alaska for radar duty.
    • Explosions don't have to be fatal. You can even enjoy Explosive Propulsion off of them.
    • Instant Sedation is as easy as a tiny dart or tack.
    • Nuclear missiles can be disarmed mid flight as a courtesy, in case anybody wants to cancel them.
    • Shooting someone in the extremities is non-lethal, even with a sniper rifle.
  • The Mist: Don't go to the grocery store, order your food on the internet and have it delivered.
    • Hehe. Nope. The people who stayed home didn't fare very well. The TRUE Aesop is if a fog of obviously unnatural origin rolls in, reduces visibility to near zero AND all forms of communication suddenly cease to work, the right thing to do is run to your car (without the groceries you just bought), round up your family and try to get the hell out of Dodge without even a gun. If you decide to seek shelter, gather information and/ or supplies and try to enact a careful, logical strategy to deal with the situation, you are a coward without any trace of chivalry and Eldritch Abominations will either kill you or make you WISH you were dead.
  • The Monster Club: The best thing to do after a vampire attack is to accept the vampire's invitation to a nightclub.
  • The Mortal Instruments (film adaptation):
    • If the man who's trying to murder your True Companions and summon an army of demons into the world tells you he's your real, long-lost father, listen to him! It's not like he might be trying to distract you or anything.
    • It can't be incest if you're physically attracted to her.
  • Motel Hell, Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, Wrong Turn, The Hills Have Eyes (2006), etc.: All gas station attendants are secretly conspiring to murder you.
  • Moulin Rouge!: If you work hard to write a play, sabotage your efforts by falling in love with the investor's Love Interest. Nothing could possibly go wrong, it's not like other people's livelihoods are on the line too.
    • Thinking that somebody is hot is the same thing as true love.
    • It's fine to manipulate people out of their money as long as they're a cartoonish villain.
    • It doesn't matter how big your relationship issues are, you can always get him/her back by singing!
  • Mr. Smith Goes to Washington: No matter how adamant you are or how many people believe in you, the powers that be will turn everyone against you and get their way unless they feel guilty about it.
  • Multiplicity: It takes four men to make one woman happy, and even then they can't quite cover all the bases. Ladies, you need your husband's permission if you want to go back to work. If he balks at the idea, manipulate him by crying. Making men feel guilty is what tears are for.
  • Muppets Most Wanted:
    • Performer agents are evil and corrupt. Even more than normally thought.
    • Somebody steal your friend's identity? Don't tell the authorities, let him get away with it because you prefer him to said friend. Just don't forget to play the "too stupid to know any better" card when the police arrest the guy and you'll get off scott-free!
    • Meta example: It's okay to write a film with a blatant Idiot Plot if you throw Lampshade Hangings everywhere. Then it automatically becomes clever!
    • Identity theft is HILARIOUS!
  • My Animal: If you're LGBT+, you can only look out for yourself. Nobody will support you and even your crush will turn their back on you to save their own hide.
  • My Super Ex-Girlfriend: Women have no control over their emotions and will destroy you and everything you care about if it is within their power to do so.
  • Network: Never purchase one of those "television" contraptions, or else you'll be shown a window into a world of depravity, greed and all-out evil! Stick with the radio or, preferably, the movie theater, especially the latter, because you never see that kind of filth in a motion picture!
  • Newsies: Child labor is okay, as long as you pay the kids reasonably well.
  • A Nightmare on Elm Street: Springwood, Ohio is a terrible place for children.
    • Don't bother trying to punish child predators. They'll just come back with magic powers.
    • Don't let your kids sleep.
  • Nine Months: Babies Make Everything Better. Anyone who doesn't conform to this trope must secretly be miserable.
  • No Country for Old Men: He who mass-murders, wins. He who challenges mass-murderers, dies. He who gives up, lives...despite being confused for the rest of his life as to why the mass-murderer keeps winning.
    • If you're a well-known criminal, you will be able to evade any arm of the law. Police or vigilantes will come for you as individuals, rather than as large groups. You will be able to heal from any injury and get away with any crime. (This also applies to Monster.)
    • If you're a small-time deadbeat, on the other hand, prepare to deal with the fact that you Can't Get Away with Nuthin' when you steal money. Despite being in the largest state in the Continental U.S. and the people you stole from have only the vaguest idea of who you are or what you look like, prepare to be hunted down effortlessly.
    • The American Southwest is policed by disorganized idiots.
    • No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.
  • Norbit: Fat women are evil bitches.
  • O Brother, Where Art Thou?, Ocean's Eleven, Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip... actually, let's just say "Way Too Many to count": Hey! You know that girl that you've been basically stalking? And has told you in no uncertain terms that they are not interested, and in fact might be justified in pursuing a restraining order against you? Keep at it! After all, it's not like anyone has ever shot a president over this kind of thing. Oh wait...
  • Obsessed:
    • If a woman is sexually harassing and stalking you, don't bother going to your supervisors with the matter who can have the woman fired and possibly sued: just tell your sexist, one-dimensional best friend who thinks it's funny and have a few, stern (and completely ineffective) lectures with her. Clearly it will back her off.
    • Not telling your domineering and distrustful wife about an obsessed coworker is bad, but telling her about it is even worse. You can't win.
    • Temps can afford Christian Loubotin heels.
    • Your average two-year-old drinks formula, sleeps in a crib and cannot utter a single word.
    • A stay-at-home mother who has no funds in her name can kick you out of your own home.
  • Oldboy (2003): Rape can be romantic and your daughter can be the love of your life as long as she doesn't know you're related to her.
  • The Omen: You should stay away from cannibalistic doomsday Cults, because they'll brainwash you into ritually murdering your adoptive son.
  • On the Waterfront: Speak up or you're a failure as a human being.
    • Labor unions and Screenwriters with socialist leanings are just like The Mafia.
  • Orphan: Mercy killing a suffering animal is a cruel thing to do.
  • Pan's Labyrinth:
  • The Paper Tigers:
    • You either have a life, or you do kung fu. You can't have both.
    • Traveling is wrong.
  • Passengers (2016): Crippling loneliness and idealising someone you don't know is an excuse for condemning someone else to die in the same lonely place you will, when otherwise they would have been able to wake up in a wonderful, brave new world. It'll work out that two people are needed to prevent a crisis, so utilitarian logic apparently dictates that you did the right thing. The other person will end up loving you anyway - after all, there's no one else around for them to get attached to.
  • The Passion of Joan of Arc:
    • Events that originally took 23 days to unfold can all happen in the space of less than a day.
    • One of the many terrible tortures that the Catholic Church forced upon people was making people stare at a spinning wheel of spikes. OH MY GOD THE HORROR!
  • The Passion of the Christ: The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.
  • Patch Adams:
    • It's perfectly fine to wake patients up from sleep, annoy medical students and steal from hospitals.
    • Who needs medical research and centuries of experience? Just toss it aside because laughter is the best medicine.
    • All doctors are just stuffy people who can't take a joke and want to enforce cruel traditions.
    • There is nothing wrong with death. You should treat it with a sense of humor.
    • Running an unlicensed clinic staffed only with medical students is a perfectly legitimate method of offering affordable healthcare.
    • If you don't personally see your roommate study all that much, then any good grades they get are evidence of cheating. There's no possible way they could be doing their studying somewhere else (such as the library).
  • Pay It Forward: If you're nice to random strangers, you'll get showered in media attention, a new father, and millions worldwide mourning you when you die! You will die though, and not too late.
  • PG: Psycho Goreman:
    • Child-murder and torture are hilarious.
    • If a man in a van tempts you to go with him with baseball cards, they're trustworthy.
    • If a friend you control tries to get his supposed allies to free him from your clutches, only to find out that these “allies” have betrayed him and proceed to beat him up, then you are completely justified in restraining him from fighting back and let his enemies assault him until he apologizes and means it. That means there is nothing wrong with letting your friend’s enemies betray him as the assault they carry out on him is good discipline.
  • The Players Club:
    • Pay your bills and/or debts on time.
    • Your father will get so angry for you choosing to go to a "Negro College" instead of an Ivy League school, he'll disown you.
    • Men love nothing more than to talk about where they're from, either through naming themselves after said city or just bragging about it.
    • The long-suffering Number Two of your shady business will regularly get assaulted or otherwise harassed because of your criminal misdeeds.
    • "Mosey-wosey" means "motel".
    • Everyone who works for or regularly patronizes a strip club is dirty, evil, stupid or a combination of the three in some way. Except for the DJ, the bartender and that one heavyset customer; they're okay.
    • Watch your tone, and keep your hands on your head!
    • People will look down on you for driving a Honda Civic.
    • A celebrity wishing to relax with his entourage instead of meeting quasi-obsessed fans is a perfect reason to start a riot.
    • Ain't no balls there, bitch!note 
  • Pixels: Sitting on your ass playing video games will make you an action hero so you you can replace the military and save the world!
  • Porky's: If a small businessman refuses to become a pimp for you, and then defends himself when you repeatedly assault him as punishment for his refusal, it is perfectly acceptable to destroy his livelihood.
  • The Prestige : It's perfectly okay to kill someone through your own arrogance, talk your twin brother into maiming himself and drive your wife to suicide, for none of these are as bad as rigging up a state-of-the-art magic trick that can make a bird disappear without killing it.
  • The Princess Bride:
    • If you kill one person, you deserve to die, no matter what reparations you offer or how long it's been. But if you become a pirate lord and kill a whole bunch of people, it's no biggie as long as you quit as soon as you get reunited with the love of your life!
    • Six-fingered people are evil!
  • The Princess Diaries:
    • People will make fun of you for acting/dressing weird, and they will also hate and make fun of you for dressing like everybody else.
    • If you're completely unaware of someone's crush on you (and also ditch your plans to attend your best friend's talk show), it totally justifies you being publicly humiliated by the popular kids and the paparazzi at a beach party.
  • The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement: You need to marry some hot guy to prevent some villain from taking control of the kingdom? You don't need to make tough choices when you can just give a lame speech and let go of any responsibility.
  • The Pumaman: Not only are British people evil, but anyone from South America who happens to be vaguely heroic should gleefully put himself in second position to a talentless American cretin possessing approximately one heroic bone in his body.
  • The Punisher (1989): Organized criminals are basically decent people, as long as they're Caucasian.
  • The Purge:
    • The Purge: When anything and everything is legal, the only crime worth committing is murder.
    • The Purge: Election Year:
      • The only way to beat a government that runs on unchecked, undemocratic power with a transparently evil oligarchy controlling it that breaks the rules whenever it wants... is to follow the proper procedure of a democratic election.
      • Insurance Companies can literally do anything they want and there is nothing you can do about it.
      • American Christians hate the meek and wish the inherit the Earth on the bones of the poor, the sick and the foreign.
  • Racing Stripes:
    • It's not irresponsible at all to bet the house and farm that is your livelihood on the outcome of a horse race.
    • Technology is evil, nature is good.
    • Hard Work Hardly Works.
  • The Reader: Mass murder is understandable if the murderer is illiterate and female.
  • Re-Animator:
    • Allow the deranged, insufferable Mad Scientist to keep living under the same roof as you even after he killed your cat, your fiance's dad, and your teacher, and fiddled with all their corpses, to boot. It's not like you'll be listed as an accomplice in his outright felonies if he gets arrested.
    • Doing the exact same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time is just how the scientific method works.
    • Science can allow you to hypnotize people.
    • Kill someone? A security guard walks in on the mess? Don't worry, he'll always believe you over the obviously terrified and traumatized witness huddled in the corner, no matter what bogus story you come up with.
  • Repo! The Genetic Opera: Feel free to be a drug-addicted spoiled brat or a murderous psychopath, because you'll still inherit all of your father's vast wealth.
    • Poisoning's effects will immediately stop the moment you have a short seizure and watch your parent/poisoner die, and you've barely ever stepped outside of your home and are completely naive to the world (except your short experience learning all about how to harvest from bodies and sell drugs for money and tricks— and what else do you need in life!) but you can totally make it alone in the world as an attractive young girl! All on her own! On the streets! And don't take the huge company offered to you, despite it being more powerful than government itself. I mean, at the expense of your sheltered, poisoned life, that's just wrong. Let the selfish, lusting/violent/drug-addled kids inherit it.
  • Revenge of the Nerds: The best way to win the heart of an unobtainable girl is to have sex with her while pretending to be her boyfriend. Chances are, even though you already snuck into her dorm without her permission and have been secretly watching her undressing for days, she'll like it and not issue a restraining order.
  • Riding in Cars with Boys:
    • The best advice to pass on throughout multiple generations is to act strict and resentful towards your parents and offspring and to never accept any responsibility for your actions.
  • The Road Warrior When the world goes to Hell and everyone you meet wants to kill you for a tank full of gasoline it is a great idea to sucker in a half-crazed uber-warrior, lie to him, use him to destroy all of your enemies and then abandon him to die in the desert. After all there is no way he could survive, track you down, slaughter you all and steal your reserves of fuel — or any reason he'd want to.
  • RoboCop 2
    • You can buy military weapons at a regular old gunshop.
    • In the future, laws on importing military weapons will be lax enough that almost everyone will have an automatic.
    • A kid can handle a Desert Eagle just fine!
  • Rock: It's Your Decision: Avoid Christianity like the plague because it'll turn you into a frothing at the mouth Jerkass who verbally abuses their friends and family.
    • Always judge songs by their titles rather than the actual content.
    • Screw sticking up for your interests, just blindly listen to what your pastor says.
    • Rock music is the only type of music that compels you to dance along and snap your fingers.
    • Having emotional responses to music means that the music is actually controlling you and therefore leading you down the path to sin!
    • If your friends tell you you're going overboard, they're just evil sinners trying to tempt you back into your old wicked ways.
  • Rocky: A true expression of The American Dream: Guy gets the courage to beat up guy for money.
  • The Rocky Horror Picture Show:
    • Sexual deviants tend to also be murderers.
    • All transsexuals are lusty cross-dressing freaks that will chase anyone. Also, they can convert heterosexuals, so stay away!
    • If you give in and just do whatever the rapist murderer psychopath wants you to do, you will have a great time and everything will be okay.
    • Eating meat is probably a bad idea.
    • Always be sure to pull your lover's hair before having sex with them.
  • Room: Being kind and helpful to people is a sure-fire way to becoming somebody's sex slave.
  • The Room:
    • Someone cheating on you is a perfectly acceptable reason to commit suicide.
    • When a man and a woman have an affair, the woman is an evil conniving bitch and the man is a hapless victim of this wicked seductress. A woman showing a man her boobies completely absolves him of all responsibility for his actions, making everything he does the woman's fault.
    • It's okay for a man to hit a woman if he's not drunk.
  • Runaway Train:
    • When in doubt, hitch a ride on a train to escape the long arm of the law.
    • Taking You with Me is a far better option than surrendering to the person trying to bring you to justice.

    S-Z 
  • The Sandlot:
    • Go ahead. Sexually harass the lifeguard at the local swimming pool. The worst that will happen is that she'll call you a little pervert and ban you and your friends from the pool forever. But that's just for show. Secretly she's into you. Everybody will think you're a hero. Eventually she'll marry you, and you'll have nine children together.
    • If some creepy old guy people don't see much has a "beware of dog" sign out, he couldn't possibly be doing so for any reason that isn't altruistic.
  • The Santa Clause: If you want to take over someone's job, kill them. Truth in Television for certain people, for instance vice presidents.
  • Saved!:
    • All male single ice-skaters are gay.
    • Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
    • Having sex with your gay boyfriend won't turn him straight.
    • A Bible is not a weapon, you idiot!
    • The symptoms of pregnancy can easily be confused with the signs of cancer.
    • Everyone prefers a Christmas tree over a Hannukah bush.
    • The muffin shop is closed!
    • There's only two reasons why a teenage girl would go to a Planned Parenthood: pregnancy or terrorism.
    • The most rational explanation for a teenaged girl being moody is Demonic Possession.
    • Santa = Satan.
    • If Mandy Moore is playing a blonde in her acting roles, then chances are she's probably evil.
    • Anybody can do an exorcism.
  • Saving Christmas:
    • In a religious debate, Violence is the Only Option.
    • The druids made hot chocolate.
    • Christmas was tailor-made for rich people. Anyone who can't afford more than one fridge and a McMansion aren't doing it right.
  • Saw:
    • General:
      • If you don’t enjoy your life for whatever reason then you don’t deserve to live.
      • The best way to punish people for being sociopathic, selfish rotten criminals is to kidnap them and force them to mutilate themselves under the threat of death.
      • Police shouldn’t interfere with any serial killer who is just trying to teach his victims a lesson. He is just trying to save their souls and those he kidnaps are nothing but rotten sinners who deserve to burn in hell. Should the police intervene they will only bring nothing but death and destruction on themselves and the victims.
      • Having a rotten life and suffering from cancer gives you the right to judge the lives of other people and exact wrathful judgement on them.
      • The criminal justice system is completely incompetent because sentencing criminals to prison isn’t enough tent reform them and get them to learn a lesson. To get these criminals to become truly repentant of their crimes, you should instead sentence them to death no matter the transgression unless they agree to cut off a piece of their own body. Due process is a just a bunch of baloney!
      • Amputees are clearly people who didn't enjoy their life enough.
      • You can be the closest thing to pure evil and still be forgiven/loved/admired/lusted after as long as you're hot enough.
    • Saw VI: When in doubt, always save the women. Men don't deserve to live.
  • Scott Pilgrim vs. The World:
    • The best way to prove your devotion to a girl is by flamboyantly murdering everyone who ever loved her in the past - and in public, too.
    • If you ever date a girl, you will certainly be attacked by her seven evil ex boyfriends exes.
    • People turn into coins when they die, so killing makes you rich.
    • You can only obtain self-respect by murdering people whose lifestyle isn't to your liking.
    • A dopey Jerkass with bad hair has to regularly beat pussy away with a stick. Seriously. Every girl he meets either has dated him or is attracted to him, including his own sister. Similarly, a girl who's fickle about everything from lovers to hair color and has a quasi-snotty attitude is irresistible to both men and women.
    • Minorities only exist to serve as one-dimensional background characters or punching bags.
  • Scream:
    • All serial killers are bound by the conventions of formulaic horror movies.
    • Not having a good knowledge of movie trivia will get you killed.
  • Scrooged:
  • Serenity: "It doesn't matter what you believe. Just... believe!"
  • Sex Education films, up until the mid 60s: Pre-marital sex is not only wrong, but will leave you mentally and physically scarred for the rest of your life. Your life for the foreseeable future will be left in ruins. It doesn't actually matter how many times you do it or how few partners you actually have. Once is all it takes to wreck you. Doubly so if you're a girl: Venereal Disease or pregnancy are the only possible outcomes.
  • Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D.: Every Japanese stereotype you've ever heard is 100% accurate.
    • Most of the New York police are complete idiots.
  • Sha Po Lang: Don't throw your enemies off tall buildings - they might land on your wife.
  • Showgirls:
    • It is perfectly fine to push a girl down a flight of stairs, break her hip, and take over her role as the lead in a show as long as that girl has been a bitch to you.
    • Thrashing around in a pool during sex is super hot and hilarious.
    • There is nothing morally questionable about screwing your boss in order to get a promotion at work as long as that work is sex work.
  • Signs:
    • God meant for aliens to kill millions of humans, so we could learn to appreciate our fellow survivors more.
    • Sure, God let millions of people around the world die, gave you an obsessive/compulsive daughter, and let your wife die horribly, but it's okay! You've got your faith restored because he saved YOU!
      • Belief should derive from the fear of the unknown, rather than evidence or logic.
    • When your race finally expands its dominion into space and other star systems, locate a planet covered at least 70% in a substance that can kill you and regularly precipitates the same substance worldwide. Just attempt to take over this planet by landing naked and unarmed.
    • Should earth be invaded by aliens/demons, we have nothing to worry about. They're a bunch of suicidal morons who can't handle a wooden door.
  • Six Pack:
    • If you run away to tour with a NASCAR driver, everything will be all right.
    • Child labor laws don't apply if the children are willing to do the work.
    • Screw getting an education—just become a pit stop mechanic the second you're legally able to enter the pit. Everything will work out just fine.
  • The Sixth Sense: Extraordinary abilities are a curse; it's better to be a good little sheep, just like everyone else!
  • Sky High (2005)
    • If a beautiful and popular girl appears to be interested in you, she's obviously up to no good.
    • Even the most weak and useless of superhumans is still unimaginably far above any mere human.
    • If you're romantically interested in a boy, don't tell him how you feel. In fact, don't take any initiative in starting the relationship at all. Eventually, he'll just realize on his own that he feels the same way and get up the courage to ask you out.
    • All adults are crazy.
    • Women are always smarter than men.
  • Slumdog Millionaire:
    • Those impoverished, starving Indian kids you see on TV, they're not millionaires. That's not because they live in a country struggling to survive after years of Western oppression; not because of their culture's rigid caste system; not because socialism strangles their economy, not because they aren't given the opportunities. No, they're not millionaires because "It Is Written".
    • Aladdin is a completely plausible and realistic story if you swap the Genie for a gameshow host.
    • Gambling is the solution to poverty. (This is most likely the intended moral, considering the film was made by the same company as the titular game show.)
  • The Social Network:
    • It's okay to hire someone of whom is a pedophile drug addict and has been a part of two failed companies as a partial owner of your multi-billion dollar website. Oh, and if he gets busted by the police and gives your company a bad name, just band-aid it and let him continue to be part of your company.
    • Legal settlements and NDAs completely validate stealing someone's idea.
    • People from rich, affluent backgrounds deserve to fail in their honest business startups.
    • Dropping out of school always leads to success in the outside world.
  • Sons of the Desert: Deceiving your wife and helping your friend do the same is a-okay as long as you tearfully admit to it afterwards.
    • Female-on-male domestic abuse is hilarious.
  • Sound of Freedom:
    • A lone, white American man will do more to stop child sex trafficking in Central America than any Central American country's government ever will.
    • If a random stranger comes to your house and wants to "borrow" your kids for a modeling photoshoot, believe every word they say without question.
    • Smoking two cigarettes at once makes you a certified badass.
    • If a prostitute looks 14, don't bother to ask if she's actually 14 before having sex with her.
    • Go through hell to rescue one little girl from the FARC - all the other kids can go rot.
  • Sparkle (2012 version):
    • If you have an average singing voice but wear a slutty dress while displaying said voice, people will soon be calling you the next Diana Ross.
    • Your strict, overly pious and unsupportive mother only wants what's best for you.
    • If you're angry with White people while in the midst of rioting your own neighborhood, then hell, go tear their shit up.
    • Fat women have no personality beyond a love of food.
    • Only light-skinned Black women can find love; dark-skinned Black women are only there to be the sassy, wise one who makes astute observations and bosses around men.
    • Becoming a famous singer will fix any and all problems that you and your family may have.
  • Starship Troopers: Egalitarianism is for fascists!
  • Star Trek:
    • Star Trek III: The Search for Spock: The death of your first officer: Risk your life and career to bring him back. The death of your son: Yeah, whatever, a moment's Big "NO!" and out.
    • Star Trek: Insurrection: Finders keepers, losers weepers! If you're the first to discover a planet with rejuvenating powers, then the whole planet is yours and yours alone, and anyone who wants to share these powers, particularly within your own group, can fuck off and (quite literally) die! Especially those suffering mass casualties in an interstellar war.
    • Star Trek (2009): Vulcans display racist tendencies, so not only is it appropriate to be racist it's also "logical".
  • Steel Magnolias:
    • It's much better to quickly give birth to a biological child that you will not live to see grow up than to try and be patient and attempt to get a child through an adoption; either way, the clock is ticking.
    • When making up a story to entertain a small child, give the villain the same name as your friend who’s right over there. It’ll be hysterical to watch him freak out when he meets her a few minutes later. Needlessly terrifying a child is funny!
  • The Strange Thing About the Johnsons: If your husband is getting molested and raped by your own son, don't step in until it's too late.
  • Stranger Than Fiction: You're only worth not killing if you're completely ready and willing to die; if you're begging on your knees for your life to be spared, then you don't quite deserve to live.
  • Stripes: Military discipline and following orders are unnecessary impediments to tactical success. Stealing classified hardware and crossing national borders with impunity works much better.
  • Sucker Punch (from RedLetterMedia): Women can only empower themselves by seducing men then stabbing them in the throat when they're not looking.
    • Also, sexy cosplay and elaborate fantasy worlds can apparently forgive both stilted, offensive writing and villains who evade comeuppance.
  • Sunrise: Did your husband just try to kill you in order to leave you for another woman? Forgive him; as long as he chases you into a foreign city, buys you food, and apologizes in a church, all will be fine.
    • Drunk pigs are hilarious.
  • Surrogates: If you see one them youngsters on their newfangled machines, you should kill them because New Media Are Evil and they aren't making meaningful social connections! Or, if you're feeling merciful, just break their machine to force them to talk to you until they go out and get another one.
  • Tango & Cash:
    • The Bad Guys Are Cops.
    • Crazy people aren't afraid of anybody.
    • Every employee at a strip club is named Katherine.
    • If you're going to be killed in a prison riot, you don't want to be killed by a British jerk-off; it's better to be killed by an American jerk-off!
    • That toilet is yours!
    • Tango misses his old clothes.
    • DON'T INSIST!! Insistent people make Yves Perret angry.
  • Taxi (US remake):
    • Screw drivers education! All you need to do is sing "Everlasting Love" while driving and you can go from not knowing how to get out of parallel parking to stuntman levels of driving skill.
    • It's perfectly acceptable to bring civilians with you while pursuing criminals who committed an armed robbery.
  • Ted:
    • Ladies, if your boyfriend is an immature Manchild who would rather party, do drugs, and play with stuffed animals than spend time with you, deal with it. Any attempts at changing him will just make things worse and make you wish everything was back to "normal" again.
    • Keep chasing after that woman who’s not interested in you and already has a boyfriend. Rather than finding another woman to fall in love with, just fall into a deep depression.
  • Ted 2:
    • It's perfectly normal to get married to a stuffed teddy bear. Nobody will think it’s strange at all.
    • Babies will fix all bad relationships. No exceptions.
    • Don't marry anyone who expects you to act your age. Go for some pushover even younger than your ex instead.
  • The Thing (1982):
  • They Live!:
    • Sunglasses grant you magical powers, like being able to see aliens disguised as humans.
    • Aliens are responsible for all the bad things that happen in your life.
    • Corporations, businesspeople and the wealthy are Always Chaotic Evil.
  • The Three Stooges
    • In General:
      • Dumb people are immune to brain trauma.
      • The rich can be easily persuaded into participating in huge pie fights.
      • People who make bad puns deserve a slap and an eye poke.
      • During World War II, the United States had Japanese and Nazi spies lurking around every corner. Better be weary of any Japanese or German people you see.
    • Even As I.O.U.: The best way to help a homeless mother and her child is to gamble away all her life savings on horse races. And if you really strike it rich betting on horse races, forget about them and keep all the money.
    • Hokus Pokus: If someone who claims to be wheelchair-bound is able to stand up even for a second, they’re faking their disability to cheat the government.
  • The Three Stooges: The Movie: Jersey Shore will go down in history as just as timeless as The Three Stooges. And fans of 80-year-old slapstick comedy films are just the sort of people who also love modern reality TV.
    • The original stooge shorts should have had more Groin Attacks, and were probably only prevented from having them by the Hayes Code.
  • To Die For:
    • Jane Pauley has a weight problem.
    • "All By Myself" is an appropriate song to play at a funeral.
    • Walter Cronkite is Dan Rather's uncle.
    • No one is quite sure where Edward R. Murrow started out.
    • Russell is an evil fucking little scumbag.
    • Saying that someone's penis is bigger than their brain is not a compliment.
  • Tootsie: Women are either neurotic messes, hypocritical teases, brainless bimbos, or butch executives. Fortunately, a man of principle can show them how to be a real woman.
  • The Toxic Avenger:
    • People are either completely good or completely evil. No grey areas.
    • Vigilantism is okay if the people getting murdered in the streets are evil. Any cop who thinks otherwise is a Nazi.
  • The Toxic Avenger Part II:
    • Big business is evil and care more about needlessly polluting than profit.
    • One small New Jersey town not liking your corporation is a big enough threat to send in an army of supervillain goons to occupy it and enslave the people on American soil.
    • Japanese rapists are bold enough to rip a woman's top off in broad daylight. Never go to Tokyo, ladies.
  • The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie:
    • Satan is immune to evil-detection powers.
    • No mom-and-pop business would think its worth the good PR to hire the massively popular superhero of your small town to work for you.
    • Corporations are run by the Devil and should not be trusted.
    • Let God fix your problems for you.
  • Trainwreck: If you're a woman who has her own place, a steady job at a magazine company and a devoted boyfriend who is either a Hunk or a surgeon to sports stars; but sleeps around, smokes weed and hasn't settled down by the age of 30, that means you're a failure for not becoming a housewife!
  • Trainspotting: Junkies have better taste in music than ex-junkies.
  • Transcendence: Having unwavering faith in AI and trusting it completely will make the world into a paradise. Having any concerns or desire to exercise caution when it comes to new technology is only ever the result of ignorance and foolishness, and will make you become a violent terrorist. Advancements in science only ever lead to good things, any drawbacks are all in people’s heads.
  • Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen: Even if you have a smoking hot girlfriend that wants to be with you always and a cool car that can turn into a robot, none of that matters as long as you leave them behind and go to college to study astronomy.
  • Trick 'r Treat: Celebrate conventional Halloween traditions or Cruel and Unusual Death awaits you!
    • Don't stalk women because they might be werewolves.
  • Troll 2: You can't piss on hospitality!
  • Tromeo and Juliet: Being vegetarian is the worst thing ever!
  • True Grit: If your father is killed, you should hire a U.S. Marshall to go after the killer, and you should go with him, no matter how young or inexperienced you are, just go right on ahead and get your revenge.
  • The Truman Show: Want a good idea for a television show? Get some random infant and film his entire life, lying to him about the whole setup for however long he lives.
  • The Trump Prophecy: Psychologically-scarring nightmares are a gift from God and going to therapy and taking medication to help means that you hate God! Why do you hate God?!
  • 28 Days Later: Never, ever trust the military, even after a Zombie Apocalypse and even if said military personnel is headed by the Ninth Doctor because they will try to rape your women.
    • Sadly, this seems to be truth in television.
    • And furthermore, because they wanted to rape your women, all of the other remaining humans on earth must die in a brutally violent fashion. Don't worry. It's not like they could be traumatized, or browbeaten into going along with it or anything. They're not really people.
  • 2001: A Space Odyssey:
    • Trying to fix broken stuff only gets you killed.
    • Faced with two irreconcilable directives regarding your teammates, both of which directives must be followed, Take a Third Option and kill your teammates. Problem solved, and the mission saved.
    • Paranoid that your crewmate will become a liability to your mission based on a single, ridiculously minor error? The best solution is to essentially lobotomize him! Don't worry, he's the bad guy if he acts in self-defense, because he isn't human.
  • UHF: Donating to the less fortunate will ruin your life.
  • Unfriended: Suicide can turn you into a ghost and help you get revenge on your bullies.
  • Us: Never wander away from your parents, even if they are inattentive and selfish pieces of shit. Don't let your children do the same either.
  • Velvet Buzzsaw:
  • The Village (2004): Technology fucks us over; we should all just live like the Amish!
    • Hey, have a blind child in your house? You do? GOOD! Because he/she is the only one that can save the town! Have him/her march into danger ALONE with naught but his/her cane and know that he/she will survive whatever is gonna kill him/her, obtain whatever it is your town needs and make it back. Why do you know this? Because your blind child is pure of heart!
  • War of the Worlds (2005):
    • A child's theory about how splinters work can predict the fate of humanity.
    • You can survive anything if it happens off-screen.
    • Murdering a crazy man is a great way to bond with your child.
    • Meta example: It's irrational for a young child to cry or scream when their life is in danger.
  • Wedding Crashers:
    • Gay people are creepy, depraved molesters.
    • A girl having lost her virginity to a guy has no way of knowing if she truly loves him. A girl who sleeps around a lot, however, has every way of knowing. Never mind that she could be viewing him as merely a boy toy like everyone before him.
    • Your best friend should be willing to put up with rape and being molested by her brother in order for you to get with their sister. If he is not willing, well... he never was your friend to begin with!
  • Weird Science: Playing God is A-OK, so long as you always win.
  • Welcome to the Dollhouse:
    • Childhood bullying is funny!
    • The Youngest Child Wins.
    • The "Special People's Club" is a club for retards.
    • The bully who continuously threatens to rape you is really in love with you.
    • If you try to fight back against your bullies, you'll end up accidentally harming a teacher instead.
    • Anyone who thinks that marijuana should be legalized is a cunt.
    • Going to Disney World as a part of a glee club is considered punishment.
  • Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins: Hey you may be one of the most successful members of our family, but you forgot where you came from! Yes, we teased you, picked on you, and made you feel like complete and utter crap. But hey, proving us that you could become more than a walking Butt-Monkey is just not right because you were just competitive with everyone that bet you could be nothing but a piece of crap anyways.
    • Oh hey, you sent me a new tv too! But I don't need a generous gift from my own son because my old busted tv works fine, and it's because the tv is new fangled and came from someone who forgot where he came from.
  • What Happens in Vegas: Marry for money and when you don't love your spouse, stay together. Eventually, you'll start loving each other again.
  • Whiplash: Being a harsh, cutthroat, bullying asshole makes your students better drummers.
  • Why Him?:
    • If you're a perverted and foulmouthed douchebag, you don't have to change your behavior. You can make people like you by throwing millions of dollars and fancy gadgets at them.
    • If your boyfriend has made a bad impression on your parents via an accidental webcam transmission, don't bother making him clean up his act for when they actually meet him in person. Things will work themselves out.
    • A boorish jackass with a Freudian Excuse knows more about raising your child than you do, and is a great role model for a teenage boy.
  • Willy's Wonderland:
    • If a Slasher Movie cast has any hope of surviving, they should start investing in hiring Genre Refugees.
    • Cops don't stop serial killers. In fact, cops are more likely to side with killers than innocent victims or people that fight in self-defense.
  • Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: You can live in happiness too, if you act like a condescending prick at other peoples misfortunes.
    • Bed-ridden people are just depressed, and could get out of bed and start dancing if they really wanted to.
      • Disabled people are all faking it, and will out themselves for a tour of a chocolate factory.
    • Slavery is a perfectly acceptable solution to corporate espionage.
    • Ordinary childhood vices (i.e. overeating, gum-smacking, brattiness and too much TV) deserve outlandishly gruesome punishments with no guarantee of survival.
  • The Wizard of Oz, Signs, et al.: Never. Underestimate. Water. (Alternatively: when in doubt, peril or otherwise, try water.)
  • The Wolf of Wall Street: Sex,drugs,fraud,adultery, and immature behavior are all COOL!!! All of these things are healthy and important for a stockbroker to do because it can help them make a fortune and have fun in their boring job.
    • If your husband wants to sleep with you and you want to divorce him, then let him finish and then announce your decision immediately afterwards.
  • Wrong Turn:
    • Barbed wire is the strongest, most-versatile substance on Earth.
    • Inbreeding = Super-Humans.
      • Super-humans who can be bullied into subservience by a sufficiently sociopathic "father figure."
  • Yesterday (2019): Some people are just born with talent, and others simply lack it. If you don’t have talent, you will never make it on your own no matter how hard you try, and the only way you will ever have fame or success is by stealing the work of the talented.
  • Zardoz: THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL!!!! GO FORTH AND KILL!!!!
    • THE GUN IS GOOD, THE PENIS IS EVIL, THE ACID IS AWESOME!!!
  • Zoolander: Binge and purge, girls, and you'll end up looking like Christine Taylor.
    • But you'll still have a disease. And women feel bad about eating disorders, but men never do.

Alternative Title(s): Film

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