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Warp That Aesop / Fan Fic

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WARP... THAT... AESOP!!!!!

Fan Fic Fun! Ready.... GO!

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     Fanfiction in General 
  • You don't have to actually obey copyright law.
  • Sex after trauma is always good; even non-rape trauma. Because people who almost drowned, almost lost their heads/brains/hearts are horny.
    • Your lover's penis will heal all your pain.
      • Your lover's vagina will heal all your pain.
      • Your lover's orifice will heal all your pain.
  • The only real requirement in a relationship is that the guy is gorgeous, and good sex means it's a good relationship.
  • It isn't good sex unless at least one person involved can bifurcate another with their impossibly huge penis.
    • And it isn't great sex unless the aforementioned isn't the male involved.
    • No, no, it isn't good sex unless at least one person involved can bifurcate two others with their bifurcated impossibly huge penis.
    • Lets just get this clear; Big dick = good sex.
  • The villain (usually the other girl) will do epically evil things to get in the way of the designated couple. She will recruit the other people who have said "Who Would Ever Take Him Back?"
  • Lube isn't necessary. Why would it be? Who needs lube?
    • Alternatively, anything can be used as lube — motor oil, foodstuffs, random items lying around, sulphuric acid — it'll be good. It doesn't even have to be liquid.
    • Additionally, condoms are unnecessary, especially for anal sex. Cleaning up bodily fluids after intercourse is simply ridiculous: just go to bed or, better yet, go to the bathroom and have shower sex.
    • Anal sex is 100% clean and painless the first time around. Fecal matter? People in fanfiction don't poop, so you don't have to worry about that. If there is any pain whatsoever, it will always be "the good kind" of pain. It will last only a few seconds before giving way to untold pleasure beyond the character's wildest dreams.
  • Men can get pregnant. This is scientific fact. They will not be disturbed, they'll be happy to serve a wifely role.
  • Every relationship requires a dominant and a submissive member in order to work. There is no such thing as equal partnership, and there are no situations where couples trade-off or take turns being in charge. Sex only works if one party is a domineering overlord and the other one is a limp doormat.
    • Gay and lesbian couples must always have a traditionally "masculine" character and a traditionally "feminine" character regardless of actual personality and tastes. The appointment of these characteristics will usually be determined by height. If characters do bare some of these traits in canon but do not fit the masculine = taller and feminine = shorter dynamic, then their height will otherwise be altered to fit this stereotype.
  • Lots of shipping fanfic: It doesn't matter if you're too shy or awkward or whatever to confess your feelings to someone you care about, since eventually they'll fall for you anyway. This goes double if you happen to be gay.
    • And it goes triple if it's incest.
  • Paedophilia is acceptable when they are hot. Or from popular big name series.
  • Bromance is just an illusion to cover a latent homosexual lust.
  • It's okay to press your personal issues onto characters and depict them Out Of Character, your audience will love you to bits for it!
  • If you hate a character, it's perfectly okay to demonise them because they deserved it even if they didn't do anything!
    • On the flip side, purifying a thoroughly evil character is also okay because you love them! Even if it's Out of Character.
  • If a villain exists, there is romance (and porn) out of him/her/it. No exceptions.
  • Bitchy women deserve to die.
  • If you land in an alternate universe, you can do anything you want — Literally. Everyone in that universe will bend to your will and worship you as a living god.
  • Say, aren't you a well-developed female character? And are you a strong character physically and mentally? Well, sorry! But you must be stripped down to a sniveling doormat to be abused by one of your best friends so that your other best friend (aka, your "Wan Troo Luv!") can save you!
  • People who openly claim themselves to be straight are A) Homophobic, B) Secretly gay/bisexual. There is no other reason.
  • Want to get instantly famous or get loads of favorites on your story? Just write porn! Praises will rain all over you and you'll get the critical acclaim you've always wanted, regardless of the actual quality of the work. 'Cause at least you wrote some spanking material for the readers.
  • It's perfectly alright to demonise female characters for minor slights (such as being in the way of your favourite pairing) whilst being quick to ignore or handwave or ignore anything a male character does, no matter how heinous.
    • Contrarywise, someone who criticises a female character in any way could only ever be motivated by personal bias or sexism. It surely can't be because said female character has done something geniunely heinous and selfish (e.g. rape) or that the critic is more concerned with how the female character has been handled by the writers. Women are always perfectly pure paragons no matter what and anyone who says otherwise is a misogynist of the highest order.
  • If you're a protagonist, you are basically the law. Everyone will follow your every command, want to befriend you, and/or fall in love with you no matter how many puppies you kill, and if they don't, they're clearly either a Straw Loser or a villain.

     Specific Fanfiction 
  • Stray: Sociopaths make surprisingly good boyfriends.
    • This also applies to Dexter. Or at least it used to.
  • Shinji And Warhammer 40 K:
    • Having multiple personalities since before you were a teenager doesn't make you mentally unstable, it makes you a reality-shattering badass. And if those other personalities tell you to enslave others to your will because they'd be much happier that way, do so immediately. Heck, if you don't, some of your would-be victims will force it on you anyway.
    • The only way to prevent the end of the world is to inspire everyone, everywhere, to become fanatical religious zealots willing to annihilate all that opposes you by any means necessary.
      • Well if you lived in the Imperium of Man this fic would pretty much be the Saturday morning cartoon you watched as a kid.
  • My Immortal: Goths are horrible, horrible people. Also christians (example: Snape Snap) are all incompetent villains who side with people that masticate to naked 17 year old girls.
  • The Inevitable Undoing of William Murderface: it is possible for an odd-looking, self-loathing, Type A Tsundere to find love with someone who is attractive, kind-hearted, and sexually compatible, but only if the love interest in question has a Cartwright Curse.
    • Alternately, making persistent sexual advances on a lonely, emotionally distraught person with serious self-esteem issues is perfectly okay if you're the Uke in the relationship.
  • Nobody Dies: Rape is okay—hilarous, in fact—if you're a female sociopath.
  • Sailor Moon: American Kitsune: Killing homosexuals is right as long as they made you suffer.
    • Incest is really acceptable.
    • Becoming a furry with a cybernetic arm that possess any powers you want, thus putting Kamen Rider Decade, Megaman and the Gokaigers to shame makes you totally awesome and cool, even if you use your powers for killing gay people for no other reason than being bullied.
    • Women will flock to a person with a Story-Breaker Power and said guy with love them equally no question asked.
    • Who needs parents when you have a harem.
  • Naruto:
    • Remember Shrinking Violet, the only way you'll get your object of affections to notices you, is to wear virtually nothing. It's okay to mock him if he doesn't notices.
    • Remember never defend yourself despite the fact that you're being blamed for something you never did. Don't forget to forgive them too.
    • Don't forget to hide our son heritage so my enemies won't gets since he isn't strong or old enough and don't forget to do nothing and cry while the said fellow villagers are beating him within an inch of his life.
      • Or arrive late after said beating.
    • Remember refusing to like the stronger protagonist makes a whore because she doesn't give up on her first love.
      • and immediately liking the stronger protagonist isn't despite the fact that protagonist just beat her first love.
    • The leader is a glorified figurehead that does all the paperwork.
    • Dobe (Deadlast, Bottom Feeder) is an excellent nickname for someone.
    • Don't like Naruto's orange outfit? Burn it.
    • Naruto crossover mean Naruto hijacks the plot, gets all the girls and wins the series Superpower Lottery.
  • Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality: Following the Scientific Method turns you into a Jerkass.
    • Alternately, learning how to use the scientific method makes you smarter than people shouting gobbledygook and Canis Latinicus and gives you a reason to to be a Jerkass. It's not your fault they're less educated.
    • Furthermore, following the Scientific Method will make you want to become God and TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE, MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!
    • Biting teachers is okay when they're proven wrong.
  • Pattycakes: please pick one.
    • Cult leaders who take days to brainwash people are pussies; if you're serious about it, you can do it in an afternoon.
    • When it comes to having a child, mindraping an adult is easier than adoption or dating.
      • The best people to do this is your close friends. If they don't want to, do it anyway and force them to see how great it is.
    • Destroying your closest friend's mind with psychological torture and drugs is the best decision you will ever make.
    • Pharmacists will gladly help you create a drug with abuse potential that makes GHB look like paracetamol. You probably won't even have to pay.
    • You'll never know who's into the same things that you are unless you randomly ask every adult in your town to try it.
    • People who share a kink with you will gladly help you run a teenager through a gauntlet of "tests" dotted with the risk of Mind Rape.
    • If someone doesn't grasp and agree with a philosophy you never bothered to explain clearly, it's OK to drug them in such a way that it permanently regresses them into an infant. This even applies to people in their early teens.
    • If you're into age play, you're a sick and twisted soul who will sink to any depths to indulge your fetish.
    • Don't pick up chainsaw-wielding hitchhikers.
    • Feature-length movies should not have 18 different plots.
  • The Last War: It's not Domestic Abuse if the hero does it.
    • It's better to have stayed with your abusive family, ignorant of your true heritage and never having met your true love, if that world is less than perfect.
    • Murder is okay if he was a Jerkass.
    • Redheads are just evil.
  • Cupcakes: The most silly and goofy of your friends is actually a cold-blooded, Ax-Crazy cannibal! So if they ever ask you to come over to their place, don't listen to them or they'll kill you!
  • Constant Temptation: You can be the most prolific killer in recent history and no one will care as long as you're nice to your boyfriend and the orphans.
  • My Brave Pony: Starfleet Magic: If you want to deconstruct what you consider to be the problematic philosophy behind a popular work of fiction while promoting your own beliefs, pick either an Acceptable Target (Twilight and Sword of Truth are popular) or something in which the characters, in canon, are less interesting and well-developed than the exponents of your philosophy. If you attempt to destroy the Faust's house with the Faust's tools, there's a strong chance you'll just wind up looking inept by comparison, which will not help your case.
  • Curse of the Demon Pony
    • Don't let go of your childhood crush, even if you haven't seen him or her for years. It's not creepy.
    • It's okay for a racist jerk to make fun of your friends and daughter, but if he makes fun of someone you hadn't seen for years then by God THEY WILL PAY.
  • Deserving: Stockholm Syndrome, Lima Syndrome, and institutionalized sexual exploitation are an acceptable emotional foundation for starting a family.
  • Back to the Frollo: She may be black and from a future time period and you may be a racist murderer who lust after women, but as long as she is not a gypsy, she's your true love.
  • The Crow: Phoenix Rising: Don't worry, there's no need to angst about the gruesome murders you've committed if your magic talking bird friend says it's okay.
  • Total Drama fanworks:
    • Nobody likes fat people. Or ugly girls, and if an ugly girl has a more attractive friend then the friend would just been seen as being weighed down by said ugly girl.
    • Homeschoolers and muscley girls suck, and are doomed to fail regardless of what happens. Deadpan Snarkers, on the other hand, can escape predetermination.
    • Alternately: Homeschoolers are perfect, innocent angels. If somebody acts negatively towards another person and that person is homeschooled, assume that they're wrong and they only hate them for a petty grudge.
    • Girls who are not trophy girlfriends are either mentally unstable sociopaths, manipulative jerks, or unimportant to society.
    • There's no such thing as a standard breakup, or even bumpy parts in a relationship. Couples that don't along perfectly are doomed to fail, and in that case one person involved always turns into a psychopath.
  • Homestuck bloodswaps (and to a lesser extent, canon): You really are mostly defined by your race.
  • Ponies Of Olympus; Atlas Strongest Tournament: If you ever walk in on your boyfriend and best friend having sex, you should make sure he's not actually raping her before storming out.
  • Pokéumans:
    • Since the whole problem would have been avoided if the original Pokemon just hadn't made families with the humans who would then treat them like crap, never stick your dick in crazy.
    • You and a bunch of roommates can easily save an entire base of people from an army of bad guys. Don't go to the police, they just suck.
      • If you're female, though, your best bet is to join said police force and raise the competance of your whole branch by several levels.
      • Joining the police is generally a terrible idea; you may as well be Chaotic Good.
      • Training young kids and teenagers to be professional attackers, infiltrators, spies and general soldiers is only wrong when the bad guys do it. (This one actually has been discussed in various stories. Brainwashing does make a difference.)
    • You should either totally and utterly embrace a principle with joy or have massive angst and personal drama over the whole issue. Sitting on the fence about it is for pussies.
    • Screw the Mutant Draft Board! Those guys who told you that if you leave the base you'll be attacked, captured and brainwashed are clearly lying and out to take everything good you ever had in your life! It is your unalienable right to leave by any means and return to your family, even if you just accepted that there's a Replacement Goldfish there now.
    • For the good guys, the only reason humanity was still around is because it's not worth super-humanity's time to overpower them. For the bad guys, the only reason humanity is still around is other super-humans. Magneto was a hero to us all.
    • Stalking is fine so long as it's apprentice-to-mentor.
      • A perfectly acceptable way to get someone to take you as an apprentice is to refuse to leave until they accept you, even when they've already politely refused and are 'embarrassed beyond belief'.
    • Never ever ever trust anyone: if they aren't a spy, they're a brainwashed clone or Manchurian Agent. And this is a series set in the real world.
  • The Conversion Bureau: Humans committing horrible acts crosses the Moral Event Horizon. Multi-coloured horses committing genocide gets a free pass.
  • Dragon Ball
    • A Mother's Love: A mother who acts overprotective and annoying deserves to be derailed into an abusive, hateful shrew who hurts her innocent children, then get killed for it.
  • Movie Night At Freddy's: If a screening of a god-awful Direct-to-DVD movie results in your near death, you should totally risk your life to go back into the same situation just so you can find out what they were thinking instead of learning from that experience.
    • It's perfectly okay to sever a long-lasting friendship over getting less screentime and lower billing than your friend. It's not the fault of awful writing, it's their fault!
    • For the movie-within-the-fanfic: If you're stuck in a life-or-death situation, the most effective way to escape fully intact is by singing a musical number!
  • The Child of Love: Teen pregnancy is the cutest thing ever!
  • Intercom: Sometimes, The Masquerade is in place for a very good reason.
  • Nuzlocke Comics: There are two main explanations for why Trainers continue their journeys despite constantly losing their close friends:
    • Heroic Willpower makes you extremely good at either ignoring or repressing severe emotional trauma, even from a young age.
    • The wilds are so cruel, so brutal and so uncompromising to the weak that wild-animals-turned-pets would rather remain pets and face criminal masterminds and Olympus Mons than go back. At least here someone notices if they live or die.
  • How I Became Yours: If you are in a position of power, you will not have any responsibilities whatsoever. You are perfectly able to spend months abandoning your duties on a lavish estate without any consequences whatsoever.
    • It is perfectly all right to abuse your wife if she dares to get upset about you cheating on her.
    • The only acceptable way to move on after losing a child is to make a new one with the same name.
  • Of Quirks And Magic: If someone has a latent ability or skill that makes them look stereotypically "scary" and "evil" by comparison, they will eventually prove you right.


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