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Warp That Aesop / Fairy Tales And Nursery Rhymes

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Fairy Tales

  • Snow White: If you are the 'fairest of them all' everything will turn out alright in the end with no work on your part. That woodcutter who was ordered to kill you? Don’t worry, you’re pretty so he’ll let you go (this will probably lead to his death but who cares about him?). Break into the house belonging to seven total strangers? Don’t worry; they think you’re beautiful so you can live with them. Refuse to learn from your mistakes by letting the evil Queen trick you three times? Don’t worry, the first two times the Dwarfs will save you and the third time a rich, handsome prince you’ve never met will save you because he fell instantly in love with you (despite the fact he thought you were dead when he first meets you).
    • Fair skin is the epitome of beauty!
    • Let’s just hope the Prince never meets anyone more beautiful than Snow White because if he does his love for her will instantly die.
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    • On the other hand, if you are only the second fairest then you’re doomed to become evil, in the vain attempt to rid yourself of your rival.
    • Find a beautiful, but dead girl? Go ahead, kiss her. She'll come back to life and instantly fall in love with you. Even if she is at most 9 years old.
      • Conversely, it's okay to want to kiss dead girls, as long as they come back to life. No one will question your motives and bend over backwards to retroactively justify your deed.
    • The little guys who are your best friends are going to be forgotten once you marry that handsome rich guy you don't really know anything about.
  • Jack and the Beanstalk: In Hogfather, Susan tells the children this: "And then Jack chopped down what was the world's last beanstalk, adding murder and ecological terrorism to the theft, enticement, and trespass charges already mentioned, and all the giant's children didn't have a daddy anymore. But he [Jack] got away with it and lived happily ever after, without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done...which proves that you can be excused for just about anything if you are a hero, because no one asks inconvenient questions."
    • Blow all your money on beans. One of them leads to all the food and gold you could ever want!
    • If someone was kind enough to feed you and hiding you from the wrath of her husband, you should take advantage of her generosity and thank her by committing the aforementioned crimes above.
  • The Frog Prince: In the original Brothers Grimm version of the story, the Princess was horrible to the poor frog for the entire story and the spell only broke when she threw him against a wall. However, the Prince still loved her and she got her ‘happily ever after’ because she was beautiful. Clearly the moral of the story is if you’re a Princess and pretty it doesn’t matter how much of a Jerkass you are beacause everyone will still love you.
    • Go around kissing frogs if you want to find a handsome prince! You wont catch a disease or anything.
  • Goldilocks: You can get away with vandalism if you just make a RUN FOR IT!
  • The Emperor's New Clothes: Everyone is stupid. If you are clever enough to see what’s really going on, then all you’ll get is Dope Slap. When they're the real dopes.
  • Cinderella: Put up with all the abuse your family can heap on you. They only hate you because you're beautiful, but that's all right, that same beauty that earned you the enmity of your relations is sure to catch you a rich guy in the end! Being a doormat and a pushover will only make you more attractive, and honey, you need it because God knows your looks are your only way out.
    • Oh, and shoe size is a good way of choosing a wife.
    • Every shoe is bespoke and will only fit one specific person.
  • The Star Talers: Orphaned children are better left to fend for themselves, rather than adopted. This way they can get rich!
    • Giving away only things you actually can do without is not charity, it's egoism.
    • One shouldn't plan ahead for more than a few hours.
  • The Three Billy Goats Gruff: Give your friends/family to the monster. It will probably work out for the best. If it doesn’t, who cares? You got away and that’s all that matters.
    • If somebody is giving you trouble, just have your big brother beat him up.
    • The grass is greener on the other side. If somebody is threatening your life when you try to get to the greener grass, you should sacrifice your siblings in order to satisfy your selfish greed.
  • Thumbelina: Forget about the kind old woman, who raised you as their own child, after wanting children all her life. Once people start realising how beautiful you are you don’t need family. You’ll end up getting a ‘happily ever after ending’ and the old women? Never mentioned again! It’s not like she was important or anything is it? Besides, I’m sure she’s just fine losing her only family.
    • You should only marry someone exactly the same height as you.
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  • The Gingerbread Man: If you're sentient and edible, you shouldn't try to avoid being eaten, because it's going to happen anyway.
  • Beauty and the Beast: If your husband is abusive, stay with him! You'll see him as a beautiful love of your life in no time!
    • Persistence is key to winning the ladies.
    • Threatening someone's life over something minor (such as picking a flower from your garden) can land you a wife!
  • The Pied Piper of Hamelin: Mass child abduction is a valid response to nonpayment of a debt.
  • The Tortoise and the Hare (at least the version where the turtle's family pitch in and the rabbit doesn't take a nap): It's A-OK to cheat during a race if your opponent is a Jerkass.
  • Little Red Riding Hood: Don't talk to strangers. Otherwise a stranger will skip ahead to your grandmother's house, eat her up, and impersonate her in hope of eating you up as well.
    • Wolves dressed as old ladies are nearly indistinguishable from actual old ladies.
  • Pinocchio:
    • Being a bad boy will turn you into a donkey to serve your leaders for the rest of your life. And you totally deserve it, you little brat.
    • Playing with toys is evil.
  • Bluebeard: Curiosity is bad and being married to a serial killer isn't bad as long as you don't find out.
  • Toads and Diamonds: Who cares if you're gonna spend the rest of your days spitting diamonds as long you're married to a prince who loves you because of this curse?
  • Aphrodite and the Ugly Slave Girl: You don't deserve happiness if you're an ugly jerkass, and a slave that should know her place in Greek society.
    • "Ugly people don't deserve happiness" is pretty much the intended Aesop of a lot of fairy tales.
  • The Princess and the Pea: Being a Spoiled Brat is an admirable trait, and people will want to marry you because of it.
    • The fact that your wife is so delicate that a flipping pea is painful to her is A-OK and will in no way bode poorly for your sex life.
    • On the other hand, if you are a rich prince, it’s fine to be overly picky and look down on every woman you meet because she doesn’t meet your impossible personal standard of what a ‘real’ princess should be. Other stories have poor, hardworking and deserving girls becoming royalty but not this one! No, being the daughter of a reigning monarch does not qualify you as a ‘proper princess’ by this prince’s randomly decided check list.
    • If someone comes to you needing help, don’t give it to them. Instead, you should manipulate them and run experiments on them without their knowledge. If they pass your test: Congratulations! You’ve just met the person you’re going to marry. If they fail your test, then they didn’t deserve your help in the first place.
  • The Steadfast Tin Soldier: If you are disabled, you will end up being burnt alive with your partner.
  • The Ugly Duckling:
    • Ugly children should take comfort in the thought that they might simply be mistaken about their species.
    • If you don't physically resemble your family you should find a new one that does. Because someone who looks different to you can never be real family.

Nursery Rhymes

  • "Hush, Little Baby": If you cry long enough, as a child, your Mum will buy you anything from a mirror to a diamond ring to make you be quiet.
  • "Rock-a-Bye Baby": Your parents hate you.
  • "Goosey Goosey Gander": Atheism should be punished by murder.
  • "Ten Little Indians": It's okay (and even funny) to make ethnic targets die in gruesome ways and even drive the last one to suicide.
  • "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider": Hey kid, afraid of spiders? They're great at climbing and invulnerable to drowning. Just putting that out there. Sweet dreams.
  • "Humpty-Dumpty": Counting to five can resurrect the dead. (At least in the version which ends "Everybody count to five, Humpty-Dumpty's back alive".)
    • Break an egg? Quick, call the monarch immediately!
      • Or don't, because apparently even they can't fix it.
    • Don't put eggs on high walls.
  • "Five Little Monkeys (Jumping On the Bed)": Parents, when the doctor orders your children to stop jumping on the bed, the best way to keep it from happening is to assume they learned...
  • "I'm Bringing Home a Baby Bumblebee": Kids, when a bee stings you, don't remove the stinger or get first aid. Instead, squish it, eat it, and throw it up. You can clean it up.


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