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Warp That Aesop / Dragon Ball

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  • If your name is Krillin, go live under a rock. Otherwise, YOU WILL DIE. Though you WILL get resurrected and get a hot, loving blonde wife, so it kind of evens out.
  • If your name is Yamcha, go kill yourself. Because unlike Krillin, not only will you not get a hot, loving wife, but your long-term girlfriend will leave you for the genocidal maniac who murdered you and most of your friends. And then murders MORE people because he goes through a midlife crisis.
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  • If your name is Hercule, do nothing. You'll live regardless of what you do and might eventually help save the world.
  • Do you like Broly? Do you like the "Power is maximum" meme? If you said yes to any of these two then you are a retard (or a "Brolytard" according to the fanbase anyway). Yes, how dare you like him or some other character and not Goku, Vegeta, Beerus or Gohan. If you like Broly then you deserve to be hated like him.
  • Why stop there? Kale and Caulifla get the same treatment.
    • Giving the hero a challenge by any means makes you crappy. Remember, only the preferred characters deserve to give the hero a run for his or her money.
    • You're garbage if you get strong in a short amount of time. (According to the fan base anyway)
  • If your name is Vegeta, you can get away with genocide. However you must settle to be the King of Second Bananas to your new ally.
  • It doesn't matter how hard you work, if you're not The Chosen One and a prodigy you'll never be good enough to be important and matter.
  • Hey kids, gluttony is the norm! You can eat as much as you can, but you'll never get fat!
  • Women only come in three types: Bubble Head, Bitch and Evil Bitch. Dragon Ball GT added the Bratty Teenage Daughter type, and Dragon Ball Super added the Chickified Housewife as an option.
    • And there are only three cures for the bitchy type. It's either surviving in an apocalyptic world, getting turned into an egg and killed, or getting beaten within an inch of her life.
    • Remember men, women are terrible human beings. So don't get married, ever.
    • Your daughter doesn't want to fight? It's fine, it's not like she'll turn Super Saiyan anyways.
    • Remember, women: you're only allowed to have a life of your own until you land a husband and have kids. After that, the entirety of your life must be devoted to them, so make sure to get all of that pesky martial arts training out of the way while you're still single!
  • If you've had a hard life, then it's your own fault and [[ you deserve no sympathy from anybody.
  • Mothers/wifes should never have a say in their children's well-being. They will just come off as hateful, selfish, short-tempered, irrational cunts if they do.
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  • It's okay to criticize someone for throwing his son into a battle with a complete monster, even though you did the same thing seasons before.
  • Older siblings should be who their parents want them to be, while younger siblings can do whatever they like. Always put too much pressure on the older sibling, but never the younger ones.


  • Let the Omnicidal Maniac go. Every time. Beat you to a pulp? Killed your friends right in front of you? Threatened to do the same to those who are left (including your own son) and your entire planet? Let him go. It just means you'll gain a powerful ally in the future. If not... Well, you can always kill him later.
  • Kidnapping small children and brutalizing them for months on end is a great way to earn their lifelong loyalty and friendship - and their parents', too!
    • When training said inexperienced children, always do so with LIVE FIRE EXERCISES. That way you have a good chance of killing them too. Dooooooooooooooooooooooodge!
  • Heritage determines everything important about you. If you're not born special, you're worthless.
    • If your name isn't Goku or Vegeta, you suck. And you can get away with anything.
    • Alternately: Humans suck. If you want to be worth anything, you have to be either an alien or have alien heritage, otherwise you're little more than a meat shield or a distraction.
  • It's okay to take a kid along on adventures that could kill you both, as long as the kid is strong enough to save your hide.
    • And don't bother considering their feelings. If they prefer homework to getting into fights, they're just being a pussy. Make sure you put the pressure on by telling them only they can defeat the overpowered Omnicidal Maniac and then throw the villain a Med Kit. Saving the world doesn't count if it isn't done through a fair one-on-one fight.
    • Also, never tell him until the last minute. You had planned on having him fight said villain.
    • Don't forget to scold said son because he wants to punish the villain instead of ending the fight quickly.
    • It's more than perfectly okay to let your child get tortured by the Big Bad. He will, in no way, develop a hostile grudge against you and attempt to kill you once he attains that higher power you kept talking about.
  • If someone wants to destroy the world, have them kill you. Your children will avenge your death and you'll be revived.
  • Getting angry is the only way to win a fight.
  • Remember, children, if you find some MacGuffins and wish hard enough, Grandpa can come back!
  • No, your goldfish didn't die, he went to another dimension. Right now he's training with his goldfish buddies.
  • There is no need to worry about the bystanders if they are about to get caught by a huge explosion by the main villain, these guys have the miraculous ability to "evacuate" from the blast right in the blink of an eye.
  • Don't worry if your arms get chopped off, they will just grow back. After all, our favorite three-eyed cowboy did manage to grow his limbs back once he is in another dimension.
  • If the creepy old hermit you're staying with is a lecherous pervert, he doesn't need to be reported to the authorities - just punch him in the face occasionally! True, he is an insanely powerful martial artist, hundreds of times stronger than you and could probably rape you without any effort whatsoever... just keep tolerating him, and I'm sure nothing bad will ever happen! it's not as if the only reason you've ever been able to defend yourself against him in the past is because he's never actually tried to defend himself is it...?
    • Constantly ogling and groping women will make you a Lovable Sex Maniac. No woman will be traumatized by your actions and see you as a sick person, not at all!
  • No matter what you do, your mother will think you're a monster.
  • To hell with knowledge and trying to lead a normal life. To hell with your wife and child's feelings about you being gone for the Nth time. All that matters is that you get to go off and do what you want to do.
  • Alien creatures who used to try and kill you are better at being fathers toward your children than yourself. So, kids! Feel free to go toward that angry guy that hates everyone, because he secretly likes you!
  • If you're yelling at your husband for wanting to take your child to fight life-threatening villains instead of getting an education and living like any regular child, you're just a bitch.
    • It's completely irrational for you to get angry with the fact that your son is going to a far away planet you have no knowledge of and where he can possibly get killed, especially if you haven't seen him in a year. Aren't you such a bitch for freaking out and caring about your son's well-being?
    • The green monster who kidnapped your son and killed your husband should automatically get your respect, simply because your son respects and admires him. Also, the guy who broke all of your husband's bones and harmed your son should get your respect as well.
  • When you've so terrified and abused your family to the point of submission just to make you happy and place your first son's studies unreasonably over the welfare of your husband and second child, that makes you a good wife and mother.
    • When you claim to value logic and common sense, displaying overemotional stubbornness makes you reasonable.
    • Also, when people band together to risk their own lives to save the planet, sacrificing their own safety and personal comfort to protect billions of lives who will never even know who rescued them, they are bad guys who belong in a gang.
  • Being a fighter is way better than being an educated scholar. You're not worth anything if you aren't a strong fighter.
    • If your son would rather be a scholar than fighter, something is definitely wrong with him.
    • If your son wants to go on a date the same day of the world tournament is on, that's not right, you should force him to cancel immediately.
    • Being strong is more important than family. A kid you fought in a tournament has potential to become a strong fighter, so you should go tell your wife and granddaughter to go "fuck themselves" and go train that kid somewhere far away.
  • How to never die: all you have to do is take all the credit for saving the world and people would forsake their exponentially stronger 7 year-old son and his 8 year-old friend also the even stronger 18 year old son to save your worthless ass.
  • Even if you’re potentially stronger than the Omnicidal Maniac while fused, NEVER take the fight seriously. Despite the fact he killed your wives/mothers and absorbed your sons.
  • Need to buy time? Sacrifice everybody who’s not in the immediate vicinity because you can revive them later.
  • The possibility of being disqualified at a tournament is more important than a human life. So, don't interfere.
    • What, you want to interfere in the fight? No no no, there will be none of that. You need to calm down.
    • What, he's going to kill her, you say? Too bad, rules are rules.
  • Genocide is easily forgivable.
    • You can be an arrogant, haughty, narcissistic, selfish, Ax-Crazy ruthless villain and and a girl will dump her long-term boyfriend and fall head over heels for you.
    • Just make sure to be directly responsible for said long-term boyfriend's death. Women love a dominant male.
    • Nice guys suck... bad boys are the way to go!
    • Ladies, just keep stalking and acting rude to a guy you have a crush on. He'll just fall for you in return.
    • Just like in Star Wars, you can be the second baddest person in the galaxy, cause untold suffering and pain, yet sacrificing your life to save your family puts you on the side of good.
    • Having a mid-life crisis? Just kill several dozen people, sell yourself into slavery, and turn on your rival-turned-friend when the fate of the world is at stake, because getting a new car is so overrated.
  • It's perfectly acceptable to endanger the lives of everyone on the planet, just so long as you get a good fight out of it.
  • Have a plan of luring out the Arc Villain. Use a powerful but innocent bystander as bait. Don't worry , at you can heal him!
  • If you want to fight deadly cyborgs, that a Kid from the Future told you that they created a hellish future where your son and friends are dead, ignore your friend's suggestion to find and stop the Mad Scientist from making them.
  • If you're strong enough to defeat the Big Bad, hide that fact from everyone and entrust the fate of the universe to two bratty children.
  • Toddlers who freak out about being kidnapped by their evil relatives and then getting kidnapped again by the demon king are big wusses who need to toughen up.
  • Is your kid going on a moody rampage? Or was, and you don't want it to happen again? Rip one of their fucking limbs off. That'll make 'em settle down.
  • If your dragon rises up out of your balls, then the panties will appear as soon as you ask for them.
  • Is your girlfriend too strong and independent? Does she want to fight alongside you? Don't worry, all she needs to do is get the crap beaten out of her at the tournament. After that, she'll be a lot more subservient. That's what she gets for not surrendering.
    • On that note, being The Determinator is always a good thing, unless your allies are stronger than you. In that case, you should just give up and leave it to your stronger allies to fight instead.
    • If you act like a total bitch, almost getting killed in a tournament is very good karma for you.
  • Lying constantly will lead you to becoming the most famous person in the world and you will never be exposed for the fraud that you are. It becomes effective when people forget about the real fighters after a certain amount of years.
  • When forced to choose between saving your own family and friends and protecting the lives of a fraud and a kid you barely met, let your kids rot.
  • When you are fully aware of the location of the source of danger to your friends and acquaintances, don't tell them, come up with an alternate solution, and when that fails, lay the blame on their door for when things go wrong.
  • Bullying and abusing your Kid from the Future and regretting it the last minute automatically makes you a good parent.
    • It's also perfectly okay to punch your kid in the face, as long as you keep your promises. That makes you better than someone who ditches theirs!
      • Being cold towards your son and ignoring him is far better than being neglectful. This type of bad parenting should always be ignored.
  • If your brother kidnaps your son, he must die. Don't even try to get through to him. If an Omnicidal Maniac kills several of your friends and tries to destroy the planet, he deserves a chance at a Heel–Face Turn
  • Being a total jerk to your Butt-Monkey/Nice Guy boyfriend and treating him as The Unfair Sex for many years in your relationship is forgivable and should be ignored. However, ignoring your husband to make sure your son is okay only once makes you the unforgivable devil from hell.
  • When you see your husband kill thousands of people, it's perfectly normal to act surprised and think he would never do such a thing, despite him being a former threat to the Earth and injuring/killing your friends.
    • Its also a good idea to stay married to said husband after all that because...reasons?
  • If you still hold a grudge against a green monster who was once a threat to your former fiance (and everybody else's) life, it's your own fault for not loosening up.
  • Have a bratty child that's difficult to raise? Just drop the kid down a ravine. The brain damage will make them a good kid.
  • Not spending enough time with your family for your training? Go home and be a family man! Spending more time with your family than training during peacetime? How dare you slack off you useless shit!
  • When everyone else is either else is either afraid or outright hates you, your best and only friend in the world is literally yourself. Even if you live under different circumstances, always trust your Alternate Self to always stick by your back.
  • If you manage to ring out the last competitors and you know that the universe will be obliterated. However, it's not your fault. So feel free to glare angrily.
  • If someone requested a tournament to the King of all that would led to the losing universe be erased, then you have every right to blame that person for arranging the tournament and declare him as evil despite the fact that the universe are going to be erased anyway and said person actually gave at least one universe a chance to survive. Even if your advisor correctly point this out, it still his fault anyway, especially considering that said guy is way too close with the King of All and the way he acts towards the authorities.
  • When someone tries to offer you a friendly handshake, rudely brush it off just because he came from a different universe and proclaim that you will destroy their home. They certainly won't hold a grudge over it and actually be proud of you for it.
  • Humans Are Bastards in the Dragon Ball universe and since most of the other gods you know are incompetent or lazy, therefore you have every right to declare yourself as the one who will bring justice to the universe. Said attempts at justice includes the murder of all the gods who are in your way and the complete massacre of every mortals in every universes, and perform a lot of speech proclaiming how you are the superior being and bringing justice to the so-called world.
  • All of your evil actions would be forgotten if you just simply give that short, bald guy a kiss on the cheek and later marry him.
  • Want to become the most powerful man to ever walk the universe? All you have to do is to have someone kill not only your family but also your entire mentor and comrades. After that, with nothing else that matters besides power, you can train as much as you like until everyone looks up to you just for how strong you are, even the gods that are supposed to be all-powerful and omnipotent.
  • An evil and murderous prick deserves to be buried with dignity just because an even more evil and murderous prick slaughtered his people and blew up his planet, but not a small, innocent child who pretty much had the very same thing happen to him; just leave his body in the dust!
  • The best way to treat that future badass who went in the past to warn The Hero and all of his friends about a group of vicious killers, helped to fight and defeat them and saved said hero's life by creating a drug to cure his heart ailment is to kill his mother, torment him mentally with a sadist that has the visage of the hero and destroy his timeline. And unnecessarily change his hair color to blue.
  • If you end up marrying and having a child with the evil psychopath who is responsible for killing nearly half of all mankind (including you and all of your friends) in another timeline, no one, not even the ally from said ruined timeline who warned you about that person's intentions and power once he eventually learns about it, will give you any grief about it as long as she can fight and is hot enough.
    • Related to this, the terms "Android" and "Cyborg" are interchangeable (apparently).
  • You can't take action against the mad scientist who you know will create evil beings to destroy the world in three years time if he hasn't technically done it yet. Also, the mere suggestion that you and your friends attempt to find this madman and kill him before he can do any harm is a stupid, risky and time-consuming move that is bound for failure! Now shut up and prepare to have my baby, you stupid woman!!
  • Were you a third-generation badass child or preteen who had a hand in saving the world? Then you'll either wind up becoming an increasingly useless nerd or a horndog once you're a teenager. Sorry, but those are the rules.

Alternative Title(s): Dragon Ball Z


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