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The second archive page of Wild Mass Guesses for Real Life. To view more archived entries, see the first archive page.

Please do not add entries here. New guesses go on the main WMG.Real Life article.


George W. Bush really, sincerely, honestly believes waterboarding is not torture.
He thinks it's like skateboarding or snowboarding, but on water.
  • You mean windsurfing? Torture to him, clearly.
  • Alternatively, those Republicans who think that waterboarding is not torture actually enjoy having it done to them. Probably by teenaged Congressional aides in public bathrooms...
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  • Alternatively alternatively, he believes it is, but between the terrorism and the truly epic X-Pac Heat he's gotten practically before day 1, has ceased to give a *** . Without the burden of maintaining popularity, the Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique starts to look really good.

Mel Gibson has a brain tumor.
It's been steadily growing and pressing on his frontal lobes since 2006, impairing his impulse control further and further, thus causing his increasingly erratic behavior.

The world is run by a secret council of elven witches, who slaughter dwarven children and drink their blood in evil elven orgies.
You can't possibly argue that Tordek is a liar. He isn't an elf.
  • That whole "elves are better, lol" stuff was a conspiracy! I knew it! Bunch of faggots.

Jesus Christ is God
Yep, and he's not dead either. He back to life three days after dieing on the cross for our sins. And despite what people say, he's actually a nice guy.
  • This would explain why people love zombies and Zombie Jesus so much...
  • NO WAY!
  • Seriously, have you ever seen Jesus and God in the same place? He may think the beard is fooling people, but I'm onto Him...
  • Corollary: Following upon the fact that Jesus is God, there must be a reason for the radical change in personality around the year 4 B.C.E. However, given the level of near-omnipotence shown at most junctures of religious history, Jesus is clearly not a Time Lord. Jesus is an ascended Time Lord, with extremely long periods in between regenerations (barring the unfortunate incident with some romans and a cross).
    • Which leads to the logical conclusion that Jesus is the Other, the third founder of Time Lord society alongside Rassilon and Omega.
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    • And being Ascended tells us why he hasn't helped us recently—the Ancients are stopping him from doing it!
  • Following up on the personality change: God obviously learned about marijuana between the Old and New Testaments.
    • Wrong; he must have learned about marijuana long before that. How else can you explain the duck-billed platypus?
      • "Mxymhtru'kk CLASS: Advanced Multicellular Lifeform Design BIO 3384 FINAL GRADE: D- COMMENTS: Perhaps you should work on your project with the rest of the class over the entire semester, rather than spend your time singing and procreating and coming up with something like this at the last minute."
  • It's all in the Bible. I should be already married and submissive to my possible Husband, but I like to be a sinner, since I'm already in Hell and everything, I need a reason to be here...

Winston Churchill was King Arthur
Arthur promised to come back in England's time of greatest need, and spend the meantime on the island of fairies, Avalon. Well, you can't get much more Greatest Need than WWII, fighting all of Europe alone, and Churchill saved them. The weight issue is a simple matter of a millennium spent being given very good food by fairies on an island too small for regular exercises. The real reason he didn't remain prime minister wasn't politics, but because he had to return to Avalon until he was needed once more.
  • Churchill got reelected prime minister in 1951-55. Whatever he was trying to save Britain from that time, it apparently didn't work.
    • Ah, but it did! Notice how Britain began disassembling its colonial empire after that. Clearly, if Britain were to continue having an Empire, it would have a space program, leading to contact with other races, leading to Vogons destroying the Earth. We dodged a bullet there.
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    • The reelected Churchill was one of a series of experimental clones made during WWII that were given extensive cosmetic surgery and personality training to replace absent world leaders. As time passed, the clones became less stable, resulting in George W. Bush (GHW Bush), Michael Jackson (Mr. T), and David Bowie (Elvis).
  • Additionally, Elizabeth I was also King Arthur. King Arthur had red hair, as did Elizabeth I and Winston Churchill.
  • Holy crap, this actually makes sense. I think I'm visiting this site too often.
  • Does that mean we should expect big things from Prince Harry? After all, neither of his parents were redheads.
  • Neither of the people we are supposed to believe are his parents you mean, Grant Morrison holds the truth.
  • Another theory is that the 1st Duke of Wellington, the leader of the Battle of Waterloo against Napolean, was King Arthur. The kicker? His name was Arthur Wellesley.
  • King Arthur is now just a nerd teenager with an awkward social life. Just like in Shrek, but prettier.

Real life is actually a cartoon.
It's drawn in 3-D and the frame-rate is equal to or less than one planck time. Real reality, where the director (call him God or whatever) and the artists exist, is far more detailed but also far more mundane than the reality we inhabit.

Paul is alive and well.
The band, however, went through several Ringos.
  • That, ironically, means that Paul is the only one alive.
    • Literally, in fact. Paul is the only human being left alive; everyone else in the world died in that 1966 car crash. We only "exist" either as his past memories of people or as characters in the songs he's since written. Your guess as to whom among us is Uncle Albert, Jailor Man, Sailor Sam, et cetera.
  • Alternately, Paul is a Time Lord.
  • Anyway, see WMG/Music for more Paul Is Dead / Not Dead theories.
  • But I was born in the 80's! How can I die before being born?

The above Troper knows something we don't.
Suspicious placement choice, isn't it?
  • Mr. Game & Watch is God, and the above troper is his Messiah.

Alan Moore and Grant Morrison are different versions of the same person from alternate universes
They're both from Great Britain. They're both comic book writers. They're both mystically inclined. They're both somewhat insane. They have vaguely similar last names. It's a known fact that people from alternate universe have opposite features: Alan Moore is very, very hairy, while Grant Morrison is very, very bald. Plus, Morrison first appeared on the comics scene right after the Crisis On Infinite Earths and his series Animal Man was the only series for years where the effects of the Crisis were even mentioned. Coincidence? I think not.
  • Alternately, Alan Moore is Grant Morrison with a fake beard stuck on, which is why it is so massive and he never so much as trims the thing.
    • Actually, the reverse is true, Grant Morrison is Alan Moore with a giant fake chin and the world's hardest working bald cap.

The Tropers will highjack all forms of entertainment media in the near future.
Think about it, we are systematically collecting all there is to know about entertainment media, its creation, what is and isn't effective, audience demographics. Everything. Obviously Getting Known initiates you into the cult of Tropers who will soon become the worlds only source of creativity. From the ranks of the mindless reality tv watching population, we will find the young minds with potential to become greater. Some of them might be pulled from the potheads, too. They will be our students, and soon, within only a handful of generations, a true revolution of Homo Neophilus will take place.
  • Might? Most trope inventors ARE potheads, junkies, or whatever you call them!

TV Tropes will take over all forms of entertainment media in the near future.
  • You mean it hasn't already? I was under the impression that Fast Eddie is really Merv Griffin, the reports of whose death have been greatly exaggerated.

Alternatively; you will become God when you die.
  • When you die, you are free to create your own universe and observe it from your own personal heaven. Our current God has done the same, thus is why we are (apparently) "moddled" after him. When we die, we get our own pocket universes to mess with. When our creations die, they become gods of their universes... and so on... To avoid exploding craniums; your thought processing power is increased tenfold outside your physical body, giving you the ability to manage so much matter.
    • In other words, we become God when we are freed from matter. Matter is binded by law, but the mind can think of things that are Beyond the Impossible.
      • That reminds me of Evangelion, where everybody dies and mindscrew sequences where Shinji creates his own alternate universes follow.

The cephalopods (octopus, squid) are masterminding a sea life revolution using global warming and they will kill us all.
Hear me out. I have long suspected that having something like 70% of the earth to themselves hasn't been enough for marine life, coupled with the fact that land animals and humans have this habit of eating them. So, the cephalopods hatched a plot to take over the land and kill us all (or possibly enslave us). Why the cephalopods? Because they are easily the most terrifying animals of the sea. They have intelligence, they have manipulative appendages (many tentacles are better than our two inflexible hands), and actually possess problem solving skills. Just. Like. Humanity. The octopus who opened the jar is only the beginning. They can also catch and eat sharks. Some octopus have the ability to catch and eat sharks. Add in that they don't have a rigid structure, making it very easy for them to escape from secure tanks, and you have a creature who may yet match us one day. They are the Magnificent Bastards of the sea. First, they're using the dolphins to lull us into a false sense of security. We'll think that it couldn't possibly happen to us, or that the cute cuddly dolphins will protect us, but we're wrong. Dolphins are the Dark Eldar and the Slaanesh worshipers of the sea, and will kill and rape just for the evulz of it. They'll be bopping our severed heads off of their adorable noses when the revolution happens. The whales will be the generals, while the sharks will be shock troops (There's a reason why Yeerks want our hammerheads). Directing it all behind the scenes, however, will be the cephalopods.

How will the cephalopods actually complete this nefarious task? I'm glad you asked. Global warming. They're the ones who are really behind it all. That whole "can't live on land" thing has proven to be a problem for them, so the solution is simple: flood the lands. They're the ones who are trying to melt the icecaps and raise the sea levels. If they can get into some of the important port cities, they'll have a tentacle-hold on our territory, and will be able to slaughter plenty of humans in the name of the marine revolution. In order for this plan to work though, they've had to somehow infiltrated parts of human society to make sure that the plan doesn't fail. That's where the Republican Party comes into play. This troper is waiting for the day that a news story breaks where a Republican congressman is caught in a scandal appropriating public funds for the construction of very large aquariums. It will vindicate all of his lunatic ramblings.

Since the cephalopods have intelligence, they'll surely employ poetic justice against certain groups of humans. For eating so many of them, they're going to eat the Japanese. For throwing them onto hockey rinks, they're going to throw Detroiters onto their field of play for whatever sport they'll play. I'm guessing Bat The Human Head.

  • Of course, the cephalopods are planning something equally ironic to the Japanese.
  • So, how do the giant squid that have invaded the shores of San Diego fit into this?
    • They're a biological superweapon. Like the vagina squid in Watchmen.
  • Actually, The Future Is Wild predicted that the cephalopods will evolve sapience and air-breathing, replacing mammals as the inheritors of the earth.
  • I for one welcome our invertebrate overlords

Karma died when morality died in the world.
Why does it seem like the more corrupt the world becomes, the less karma seems to hit those corrupt individuals? Karma is directly proportionate to the amount of morality in the world, and with the latter almost nonexistent, the former has disappeared, as well.
  • Morality died? Everywhere? At once?
    • Friedrich Nietzsche predicted it. His "God is Dead, and we killed him" statement meant morality died, since God is the absolute representation of morality, and we ignored him, because Gods Need Prayer Badly and feed on the belief and moral standards of people (Morality promotes the belief in a God).
    • Maybe morality's always been crap, and people are just getting more honest about it. (Honestly, when were people ever great? And if we were all so awesome, why did we change? Evil Is Cool? Good Is Dumb?)
  • And then, the more honest someone is, more crappy will be their lives. Most poor people are honest (except by Brazilian poor people, where the shares are 50/50, but just because everything is like this there, Brazil seems to be some sort of Universal Warp, will be explained in later theories), and their lives are just like Hell.
    • Bull. Rich people can just commit bigger crimes. Not that poor people can't be honest (similar ratios to everyone else, I figure), but being poor doesn't make you an automatic saint.
    • Well, expert lying can make a Magnificent Bastard, and compulsive honesty can cause someone to be easily manipulated and turned into a Cosmic Plaything.....

Hindu mythology is basically a factual account...
Of humanity's contact with advanced alien races. Reading things like "Vishnu was the colour of the sky, four armed, and holding a mace, a chakra, lotus, and conch", you get the feeling this is an attempt to describe a totally alien being in human terms, which is backed by statements elsewhere about a "universal form" that we "cannot comprehend". The references to nukes, lasers, flying cars and robots then make sense. We can imagine brahman as a metaphor for galactic civilisation, and atman, obviously, for ourselves and the human race in general, and Moksha for human entrance into "brahman". The differance between Grihsta Dharma sects and Sannyasin Dharma sects is clearly the result of an ideological disagreement among the aliens. The rest can be put down to divergance in oral tradition and the varying degrees to which everything was covered up by US government time travellers.

There is no such state as Wyoming.
You see, when Arbuckle Vespucci was designing the United States, he was left with a large square hole in the map. Inside this hole, he wrote "Wyoming", an old Italian word meaning "No State Here". I mean, come on! have you ever MET anyone from Wyoming?
  • Dick Cheney is from Wyoming. I think this confirms your point.
  • Montana doesn't exist either. Neither do the Dakotas, Idaho, Colorado, Utah, Arizona or New Mexico. Their existence is fabricated for the benefit of American airline companies, to make their planes appear faster in flying coast to coast.
    • The place maps mark as Kansas actually contains the Land Of Oz. Colorado, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and parts of Missouri comprise the Deadly Desert.
    • Idaho doesn't exist? That means all of North America's potatoes must come from the Yukon.
    • No, you're confused. It's only South Dakota that doesn't exist. People from North Dakota made it up so their state's name would make more sense.
      • I'm from South Dakota. I didn't know I didn't exist!
      • Yes, yes, just keep deluding yourself.
    • Northern Idaho (the panhandle) exists, the rest of the state is actually just a huge void leading to another dimension (which is where potatoes come from). Anyone who says different is one of the peole from the other dimension trying to disguise themself as one of us.
  • Belgium doesn't exist either.
    • And apparently, neither does England, the states of Vermont, Wisconsin, Delaware and Arkansas, the cities of Minneapolis/St. Paul and Winnipeg, Canada, and the moon.
False. This troper has been to Wyoming and had her Hyundai hit by a deer. So, yes, it does exist and I have thebills to prove it.
  • Wyoming DOES exist (I have confirmed this myself). However, it is an alternate dimension that is similar to Hell. In the 1950s the government used it to test nuclear bombs, thus causing it to become a vast, barren wasteland. The creatures who live there are odd, irritable, and/or evil. Their highway patrol cars have clocking devices that allow them to sit on the side of the road and radar you (using a different kind of measurment that is slower than Miles Per Hour), then claim they were in plain sight the whole time while giving you a speeding ticket for doing the posted speed (because to you it says 70mph when it really comes out to around 60mph). The road just after passing into Wyoming from Montana is stained with blood, turning it an interesting shade of red.

Governments are corrupt and there is little hope for a solution.
Governments are corrupt, many are full of criminals, and there is likely no solution. If there is, it will not be executed correctly. Revolutions will break out among countries, with some declaring anarchies and others declaring new governments, both of which will probably work out terribly. If this does not result in the end of the world, a vicious cycle will occur in which democracy will rise again, then fall again, and so on. Communism will just be hanging around in there as well. Soon, robots will be created as the perfect world leaders, and will bring the world into peace. Supposedly. Those robots can be shady.

Birds are stronger then Chuck Norris.
And mammals in general, really. As stated , they are the dinosaurs who made it. Let that sink in.
  • Ah, but mammals are the non-dinosaurs tough enough to survive when dinosaurs were around in their prime.
    • I see Most Writers Are Mammals. What about amphibians, reptiles, all the less-famous reptile-derivitives, ect?
      • I forgot. Who has killer robot armies? (The answer is mammals.)

Specimen GI 100/25 is an act of Hot Skitty-on-Wailord Action frozen in time.
Most people assume that what we're seeing here is a Protoceratops fighting a Velociraptor until a sandstorm hit, killing them both. Truth is, they were actually having an illicit Interspecies Romance. This reconstruction speaks for itself. The 'raptor worried incessently about what the pack would think, and the p-tops simply ate the flowers...
  • The sick, sad thing is... you KNOW someone has applied Rule 34 to this.
    • Thank you furry fandom! Tragically, I'm not aware of any art depicting this specific pairing, but I'm sure your voice will be heard.
  • I finally found my favorite Crack Pairing. Thank you WMG!

George W. Bush is a superhero.
He's obsessed with physical fitness, and works oddly restricted hours compared to other high-level politicians. He also takes months-long "vacations" where he moves out of the White House. He's even been secretly smuggled into Iraq, apparently just for a photo op. Obviously Bush has a secret life as a Badass Normal superhero, fighting crime all over the world. We even know part of his origin story - it's just that he did more than give up drinking after his 40th birthday.
  • Possible ditto for Obama- just check out the Obamamobile.
    • And his washboard abs. At 40's.

The War in Iraq is one massive Xanatos Gambit by Osama bin Laden
One of Osama's goals has always been to bring down America, but he also states in one of his videos that the method he plans to do it with is to try and financially drain America. Another of his stated goals was to see the price of oil rise to $144 a barrel. Shortly after 9/11 and bin Laden's videos, the New York Times wrote an article stating that one nightmare scenario where Osama's plan would work is if America invaded Iraq. All he had to do, then, was to get America so pissed off at him (i.e. 9/11) that they would invade the Middle East to catch him, and gamble that they would attempt to invade Iraq. Bush fell for it, hook, line and sinker. This troper can just picture bin Laden hiding in a cave somewhere, sitting in front of a desk with a half eaten packet of crisps and a black note book on it, and muttering 'Just as planned...' before breaking out into maniacal laughter...
  • His next message to the world will be of him taking a potato chip... AND EATING IT!
    • Who's L then?
      • Us. The tropers. If we figured this out, we have to be L.

The environmental movement is bought and paid for by the jihad movement. Always has been.
Who stands to lose the most if oil becomes obsolete? The Middle East, which also just happens to be the center of jihadi activity. What currently existent source of power could run the grid of a given state or country to the same level? Nuclear power. Had this happened, electric cars would make perfect sense, and would've had much more development time. This is also, coincidentally, the power technology environmentalists spend huge amounts of money and energy to prevent development of. Including those technologies, like the Pebble Bed Reactor, that the laws of physics won't allow to melt down. The environmental movement is not about maintaining our current level of technological development utilizing new technology, but inducing a regression in preparation for the West losing the "final war". The talk of running off wind and solar is allowed as a smokescreen, since all the conspirators know quite well that the infrastructure of the 21st century can't run off just that. And this business of talking about turning food crops into fuel, rather than relying on the revolutionary method of using the waste (stems, leaves and the like)? A society marches on its stomach, after all, and the environmentalist arm knows this, why else push for it so hard? All part of the plan.
  • Unlike fossil fuels, nuclear fuel can be reprocessed and used again, using the energy from a reactor to power the process. This increases the attraction, and makes it even more dangerous to the conspirators. Increasing nuke tech also enriches Africa, that which one of the largest uranium deposits and another historical big target for incursion from the Middle East. Big problem.
    • I'm sure this somehow fits in with the fact that the nation which has the world's most heavily developed nuclear power system is France.
      • Thus, the strategy change there. See "car-b-que".
    • Actually, that's what they want you to think so that you build a lot more nuclear plants, giving hundreds of new targets—sure, there won't be a meltdown, but don't you think that missing uranium and plutonium will scare people? Or at least, that's what they want you to think, so that the US government ends up having to hire even more soldiers to protect all the new plants, thus reducing the Army's standards further and/or subjecting them to even more stop-loss, to the point where a significant military rebellion occurs, and we weaken ourselves to the point where they can kill us with a rusty machete.
  • But as an alternative to both oil and nuclear power we are currently looking forward to improving alternative energy resources once seen as being unable to run 21st century infrastructure, like solar power (for example, solar power stations collecting sunlight from where the sun never sets * and beaming it down to earth as microwaves or through space elevators). And if these alternative energy sources can be completed, oil as an energy source will be made worthless by comparison. And the middle east will go jihad once again. Holy Shit, this means if you want a vision of the future, just watch Gundam 00.

George W. Bush is a Democrat.
Bush's entire presidency has been a massive Xanatos Gambit by the Democrats to discredit the Republicans for decades to come.
  • Considering congress's approval rating, the plan could use a little work.
    • This may result from the 1-man majority the Democrats in the Senate have, where that one man is technically a right-leaning independent. Give it time, it is 2009 that the Gambit is meant to pay off in, not 2007.
      • Alternatively, it was all designed to get a Democrat officially into government again: with the way the world in 2000 (Clinton, and by extension the rest of the Democrats, disgraced, fears about global warming seeping in, etc etc), it seemed almost a given that the Republicans would be elected in. However, the Democrats had a back-up plan: George W. Bush. He gets elected in for the Republicans as a sleeper cell for the Democrats, with a mission to discredit the Republicans as much as possible. 9/11 was simply a pretext for further discrediting with a genius move: invasion of the Middle East! America gets bogged down in a rather untenable war, and suddenly people clamour for a less war-hungry government: the Democrats. An attempt to finish the plan came in 2004 with John Kerry, but this was attempted by a splinter group of the Democrats who didn't know the bigger plan. Even still, a large number of Republicans got voted out of office, even if Bush didn't. The final payoff? Either the country's 1st black president, or the country's 1st female president, depending on how the people voted. Had this plan not been put into effect, both Obama and (Mrs) Clinton would not have been favourable candidates to run with, simply due to the dominance of the middle aged white men in government!
    • Nah. Congress's approval rating is always low. See, the thing is, people always have a low opinion of Congress as a whole, but their Senators and Representatives always enjoy much more favor. And since we in the US only vote for our local representation, that's the only metric that matters.
      • Also, Congress's disapproval rating is always lower than the President's as well. Because the "no opinion/don't know" rating is higher.
    • So, blame Democrats if you're unhappy about how things are? Got it.
  • Now that it's 2009, and the Democrats have a 60 member filibuster-proof Sentate (well 58 and 2 independents which caucus with Democrats) and 256 out of 435 in the House, the Gambit seems to have worked.

Reality is one big TV show.
Fairly obvious, but I'm guessing it's some kind of dramedy. It used to be an action-drama, but Seasonal Rot set in.

James Woods and Garry Shandling are the same person
Watch the Family Guy episode "Peter's Got Woods". The James Woods portayed there looks and sounds just like Garry Shandling.

Sarah Palin doesn't exist.
McCain's choice for a running mate appeals to an implausibly large number of interest groups and has had remarkably little contact with other politicians. Even McCain himself has only met her twice. She also bears an uncanny resemblance to Tina Fey. The explanation is simple: there is no Sarah Palin. Her entire life is an elaborate Republican hoax, designed to appeal to the optimum combination of voters. When "she" has to meet someone or appear on TV, Tina Fey is hired to play her.
  • That also explains how McCain is doing so crappy, she deliberately sabotaged him— wait, why didn't they expect that from Tina Fey? In fact, even if Fey isn't Palin, they didn't expect her to be a Spanner in the Works which, if anything, alienated the voters they wanted. Epic Fail.
  • This could explain why the campaign is "coccooning" her from the media at least until the VP debate - Fey needs all the coaching she can get to do the debate in character, probably doesn't come cheap, and can't be expected to perform extemporaneously to the standard of a Stephanopoulos or Brokaw Sunday morning interview. In fact, this plan was likely not even seriously considered until Tim Russert passed on earlier this year.
  • It also explains why "Palin" claims to like Fey's impressions of her (as opposed to vowing to hunt her down from a helicopter), and why "she" claims to have dressed up as Fey for Hallowe'en once. Also why "Palin herself" will apparently appear on Saturday Night Live the night this is being typed.
  • I think this episode of Saturday Night Live just about confirms it.
  • Now, this raises the question: is Palin impersonator Sara Benincasa actually Tina Fey with lots of wrinkle cream, or a younger Fey who time-travelled to 2008 in order to confuse us all further (and perhaps the present-day Fey as well)?
    • She's a Skrull.
  • Palin was supposedly governor during the Shadow Moses incident. Enough said.
  • Palin is Satan! It almost rhymes!

Barack Obama doesn't exist.
The guy we see on TV all the time is the very model of the sort of person Al Sharpton and the like would accuse of "acting white". The fact that they don't do so proves they're in on it. The Obama character was designed to play to people the Democrats want to court, ie minorities and, for some reason, Europeans. The reasoning? Unfathomable.
  • So, wait, you're saying the Onion was RIGHT?

The Fourth Wall actually exists.
This'll take a while to explain...

Every single fictional universe does in fact exist near or alongside another (Grand Unifying Guesses). Crossovers denote which universes are adjacent to one another. All those wonderful toys actually exist out there. Why, you ask, do we not have those toys? Because we're being protected by the Fourth Wall. Said wall is actually an invisible, intangible barrier placed around our universe at its creation so that no universe on either side of the wall knows that the other side exists. The good news: no Big Bads or Cosmic Horrors could come and take over our world, due to the wall. The bad news? Our lives will be f* ckingly boring, and we'll never see any real-life superheroes. However, the question is: Who created this wall in the first place?

  • God.
    • And he died. Who knows when the Übermensch will break the fourth wall, which is open to attack due to God's death.
  • Except that we do know about those universes, and some of them do know about us. I think. They could just be joking around in such a way that it conveniently happens to fit.
  • The reason someone created the Fourth Wall is because it actually contains The Warp, a dangerous reality that we subconsciously influence with our minds, imagination and fiction. Oh, and both the Warp and fiction aren't influenced by time. Breaking The Fourth Wall will open a portal to the Warp, creating a new Eye of Terror and turning this boring reality into a Grim Dark chaos of melding insanity that would make people go mad from the revelation after being raped by their fictional counterparts. To quote Lovecraft: "the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."
    • Did you say Grim Dark? Hell yeah with the warp, then! Let me get my Chainswords.....
    • This is also why Necrons hate the warp, they can't make fiction since they're robots, and why the Tau have a low connection with the Warp, they were simply too realistic.
  • The Fourth Wall is actually a massive wall made up of purified Higgs Bosons and other massive objects. Real Life contains mass, while the wonderful toys outside, being ideas, contain no mass.
    • So the Large Hadron Collider, being created due to the purpose of collecting Higgs Bosons, was actually a part of a long-term plan to break the fourth wall?
      • Alternatively, the Fourth Wall is made up of Higgs Bosons, but we are the ones trapped within its massive burden. Fiction aimlessly floats around outside the wall as the result of our dreams and projected will to escape from this wall. When we collect enough purified Higgs Bosons from the Large Hadron Collider, it could probably be used to manipulate spacetime and give mass to ideas, imaginations and fiction, dragging them here in Real Life. Hence why it was called the "God Particle"
  • The Veil is transparent, but non-permeable. Also, who says it can't be natural effect of the Multiverse?
    • The Veil is Yog-Sothoth, since he is the gateway between the Multiverse.
      • Or at least the eleven dimensions of string theory. For example Real Life exists in four dimensions (we have a proper way of measuring time), anime exists in two dimensions (flat and exists in a membrane), Live Action films and TV exist in three dimensions (they resemble Real Life, yet the existence of Time Skips separate them from us), and so on. When we discover how to synchronize each strings in an order that they ignore the 11-dimensions rule (probably through use of wormholes and/or Schumann Resonances), the Fourth Wall would be broken, or it might just Go Horribly Wrong and ends up with us entangled in the strings of a Cosmic Horror.
      • Better get my Necronomicon!
  • Geez, if it turns out that the Otherkin are right, I give up.
  • The fourth wall protects Grand Central, an earth that contains every back-up link (our books, movies, comics) to every other universe in the omniverse. The only sure test that your earth is Grand Central is if there is anything supernatural going on. If there is, it's not grand central. If there aren't, then it's because the fourth wall protection.
    • Of course, you can never be sure if it is or not, as some people can go through life without encountering anything actually supernatural.
  • It's also called the Firmament in the Bible. Or, to those more Genre Savvy, the Surface. Gurren Lagann, for that turn, passes in a distant future where we actually see that wall being slowly cracked, until it's broken, and we get awesome powers that make us badass and sexy. KAMINA WILL DIE FOR OUR SINS.
    • If the Fourth Wall is the Firmament, then we are the creators who wrote Adam and Eve in the universal timeline.... A God Am I!
  • The Anti-Spirals created the Fourth Wall. After all what better way to impose absolute despair than barring us from our friends in fictional world? We already have the six billion apes prophecy, and when we invent Gunmen and discover Spiral Energy who knows when it's time to pierce the heavens break the fourth wall and travel to the fictional universe while fighting the Anti-Spirals. Spiral Nemesis will come when we finally break the fourth wall, and therefore the Anti-Spirals, causing the entire universe to merge into one single overly epic Mega Crossover that will probably resemble and contain the combined awesomeness of Warhammer 40k and Gurren Lagann. Like the above theory, Kamina will die for our sins.
  • It is also the "Absolute Terror Fields" of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
    • That sounds like the ultimate reason for most of the Instrumentality attempts.
    • That explains the silly postmodernism of NGE. Instrumentality is a future where the Fourth Walls of each individual are cracked, which forces them to see the reality of the world and the multiverse, being an anime series all along. Unfortunately, one emo named Shinji Ikari got mad from the revelation.....
    • Kaworu died for your sins!
  • The Fourth Wall is also the "immovable object" in the "unstoppable force meets immovable object" paradox (the "Zero" in Division by Zero). But what is the unstoppable force that can break this immovable object and make the world badass like those Division by Zero internet memes say?
  • Deadpool can break through the Fourth Wall. That means, if we are to destroy the fourth wall, we don't just strive to become Ubermenschen, communicate with Yog Sothoth / The Warp (which I recommend to not do at any circumstances anyway), summon TTGL (probably the most optimistic way), break down the AT Fields of each individual, divide by zero and acknowledge the Pure Awesomeness of Chuck Norris (which, for better results, should be placed with Mr.T in front of the fourth wall), we also need to think of our thoughts as "yellow boxes". Yellow boxes are like holes in the fourth wall, and enough yellow boxes can make a big hole in the fourth wall.
    • Just find an Otaku and let him succumb to Perverse Sexual Lust. Easy way to break the Fourth Wall! After all, nothing can stand against The Power of Love.
    • There is already a hole in the Fourth Wall, we call it The Mind. It is a mysterious Eldritch Location between fiction and reality and is the portal and medium for communicating between the two worlds and combining them. Reality (Science, reason, the superego) + Fiction (Imagination, feelings, the Id) = Mind (Ego).
  • Then if that's the case, those Christian potheads.... are actually right. And if we do get to the realm of fiction, aren't we accused of becoming Mary Sues?
  • Y'know what? I think that the idea of the 'fourth wall' being broken is the idea for TV Tropes' newest project
  • The Fourth Wall never protected us from Big Bads and Cosmic Horrors, it just made our lives boring and bleak. Why is there still Adolf Hitler, GOD, and the like? The Fourth Wall is not our protector, it is our ultimate enemy, which prevents us from achieving the ultimate goal of humanity: being Badass. WE MUST DESTROY IT, NOW!!!!!
  • Fools! Shut up, you theory-obsessed guys, Nietzsche Wannabes and aspiring Daydream Believers! The Fourth Wall is paint!

Society will undergo a final paradigm shift, then the rate of technological advancement will cease to increase exponentially

Sometime before 2050, we will have reduced microelectronics to their maximum physical limitations, but due to insufficient knowledge of quantum mechanics are unable to construct a vastly faster machine. Society in that time catches up, turning into a fully technological society wherein everyone uses the internet for a huge variety of things, with people unable to really even envision what the world was like before it, but the rate of increase in computational advances will slow down dramatically.

Mechanization will continue on its merry way, however, and unskilled labor will be much less worthwhile - machines are cheaper and more efficient, and people will simply adapt to most unskilled labor positions, such as cashiers and cropworkers, to be machines rather than people. This will result in widespread unemployment and resentment by the poor, while the middle class increases in prosperity due to lower costs for most products.

Biotechnology will be exceedingly important as well, and genetic engineering of humans commences by 2050, and becomes fairly widespread by 2100. As knowledge of the genome increases, eventually we will engineer more intelligent people, which again causes resentment by a good portion of the populace, as well as causing Unfortunate Implications. Many people will adamantly refuse to believe that all people are not created equal, even though the maxim, while never truly true, is obviously shot to shreds by engineered children consistently in the top 0.01% of the population in terms of intelligence.

In the long term, we will see an increasing trend of the middle class benefitting and the rich getting insanely good creature comforts, but unemployment will increase as there are very few jobs for those who lack college education or who can ply a useful trade, such as plumbing. As such, the poor will not increase in standard of living from the present day and the middle and upper classes will resent them for causing crime, while the poor will resent the rich for being better than them. While overt class wars never break out, the crime rate increases and the poor are increasingly separated from the rest of society.

Somewhere in the 22nd century someone will come up with a superior form of governance than democracy, and democracy will seem outmoded by comparison; however, some countries, particularly those in northern Europe, will have almost entirely genetically engineered populations due to their high level of wealth and socialization and as such will remain democracies while the rest of the world shifts over to the new form of governance, which likely insulates society as a whole from the decision making process in a rather different way than the current democratic republics do, and to a greater degree as well.

The next societal evolution will be a backlash against public religion.
The next terrorist (religiously inspired) evil, and the inevitable End-Times/clash of faiths spouting that follows it will trigger an inversion that delivers massive amounts of X-Pac Heat to public proclamations of religious faith, as people blame it for the state of affairs. Instead of the current state, of faith being a requirement for public office, it will be a hinderance to make a big deal out of it. Religion won't be banned outright, as that would cause more problems. It will instead be more like Japan, where it's a private practice and not that prominent in daily life.
  • Both George W. Bush and Osama bin Ladin's actions have already discredited using divine authority as a way of justifiying immoral actions. Twenty to thirty years from now, religious issues will probably play a much more minor role in politics. However, it will probably be about a century before we have our first openly atheist president.
    • People have been saying this since the enlightenment. So far, no dice.
  • Nah, until then, people will suffer a pandemic mortal disease mutated from AIDS, that will pass though THIN AIR, and the world's population will rebvert back to 2 billion. It'll start on China/India, where we see most people, and the easiest way to pass infections through the world. And since China will be the new Big One in the economy, it'll be even easier. Actually, this pandemic situation will make technology progress to make up for the people losses, since The Virus is mortal and highly contagious. Until they discover a cure, 7 billion people will be wiped out, only surviving those other 2 billion, and most won't be prepared enough to do most advanced jobs. Then, they'll make a strict birth control program, to prevent pandemias, since people will be more scattered, and if an epidemic happens again, the area will be automatically isolated.

God is actually dead, and a replacement is being trained right now
Friedrich Nietzsche rambling about The End of the World as We Know It is actually the only one with half a clue, and still these Philosophers just keep misinterpreting him to mean Nihilism/Existentialism/Social Darwinism/Whatever (I'm looking at you, Adolf Hitler). Why had God stopped contacting humanity directly, like in the old times of the Old Testament? Quite simple: he took "the easy way out" when realized humanity was lost forever. Or God Needed Prayer Badly but was weakened, starved and took the easy way out because humanity turned their attention to scientific materialism. Or he had to be deposed and deprived of prayer when he became too corrupt. Or he just got annihilated by the Contact Experiment. Unfortunately, this world may not survive without Gods to prevent it from being destroyed, annihilated, obliterated, raped and all that by other things — who knows how many Great Old Ones, Outer Gods, Elder Gods, Jerkass Gods, Gods of Evil, malevolent Cosmic Entities, Angels, Rouge Angles of Satin, Demons, Chaos Daemons, Zerg Rushes of Alien Locusts, Espers, Time Travelers, Sliders, Naughty Tentacles and other Eldritch Abominations are coming towards us right now? —, and so, an Omniscient Council of Vagueness of disembodied almighty entities — that cannot themselves be "God", because of cosmic contractual technicalities — are training one soul to become the new God and protect humanity from rogue Angels, Great Old Ones and the such.
  • And He who shall be the new God is He who has been prophesized in the Holy Scriptures and the Ancient Mysteries to be the God-Emperor of Mankind.
  • God can kill himself?
    • Well, after all, being omnipotent, there is a possibility that he used his powers against himself.
    • Theologians? Help?
    • First, He's omnipotent. Second, I don't recall any proof of actual immortality, rather than simply living eternally(there's a difference here, and it's whether you can be killed). Thus, he probably can be killed by something powerful enough. And what is more powerful than Him?!
      • Roman soldiers, technically. Which are in turn weaker than Germanic barbarian hordes, which are weaker than knights, which are weaker than modern technological warfare, which is getting stronger all the time as technology advances. Which means that the new God will be a robot of some sort.
      • Or a Pure Energy Being. But please explain, how are Roman Soldiers more powerful than God. IIRC, they haven't created any universes or killed all (and only )the first born children in any country during their reign...
      • You apparently forgot who crucified the Son of God (or God Incarnate... or God Pre-Acension... He's all three at once).
      • Gotta agree. It seems some people can't recognize a Xanatos Gambit when they see it.
      • Science killed God. After all, we worship Science more than we worship God.
      • "God is dead, and we have killed him" was the quote of Nietzsche. in other words, we killed God.
      • Reason killed God. Maybe, the reason why God is so batshit paranoid about the Tree of Knowledge is because it possessed reason, a little voice in our head that we take so for granted, but in actuality is a growing Cthulhu-esque Eldritch Abomination that seeks to consume all the infinite facts of the universe, is as powerful as God himself, and possesses the power to kill God. When Adam ate the Fruit of Knowledge, he gained the power of Reason, and because this is a fatal danger to God, God decided to convince him that Ignorance is Bliss, but yet at the history of mankind, reason still prevails. We have abandoned God for our new god Reason, but God still has his trump cards: Christians. Reason decided to fight back by pointing out that God cannot and will not exist as part of humanity, and because God grew so depressed, he stopped making miracles and let Reason use humanity to kill him. His corpse became what Reason tried to convince us as theoretical physics. To explain the replacement: Reason, on the other hand, was finally beaten, murdered and consumed in its own game by a new, more powerful god: The Ubermensch, who preferred Self over God and Reason.
      • Reason didn't kill God.It wiped out his entire existence.
  • CURSE YOU, NIETZCHE!

The Cake is NOT a lie
Self evident.
  • But it's prepared by a Lethal Chef, want to risk your life?
    • And take some from the Companion Cube? He earned it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is Conan the Barbarian reincarnated.
Think about it: both are super-strong individuals who were born in a remote area, then moved to a more powerful realm and finally ascended to the throne. Arnold playing Conan in the 1982 movie is just to throw us off the track.
  • N.B.: I would, were I capable of doing so, genuinely vote for Arnold based on this.
  • I did... twice.
All men are created equal, they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, and among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Self evident.
  • Yeah, but where do women enter in this story? They are still treated as inferiors with limited liberties.

It's not as bad as you think
And it's not worse, either. Cheer up.
  • We are, in fact, all in this together, and Red Green is pulling for you.
    • Things are gonna get lighter, even if they never get better.
      • And we'll all float on...
  • Not bad for YOU. If I had a Humongous Mecha, I'd start Instrumentality, too.

Barack Obama is the Anti Anti Christ
There's a chain letter going round asserting that The Antichrist as described in The Bible's "Book of Revelations"(evidently a long-lost supplement to the more familiar Revelation), is a description of Barack Obama. These people are onto something— The Powers That Be have long been trying to initiate Obama into the forces of evil(including sending domestic terrorists to corrupt him in his youth and making him face dirty campaign tactics). But what they all failed to realize is that Obama remains incorruptible because Evil Cannot Comprehend Good. It is not clear whether Obama himself is aware of his destiny.
  • Barack Obama is Anung un Rama? ...OH SHI-
  • Is that what Joe Biden meant when he said Obama would be tested during his first six months?
  • SARAH PALIN IS THE ANTRICHRIST. CAN'T DENY IT.
    • Well, "Vice President Sarah Palin" happenst to be a Significant Anagram: "is perhaps devil incarnate".

Greys aren't aliens
They are humans that had a separate evolution path. They live inside the earth or something.
  • So Greys are angels?
    • My aunt had a theory that they were human tourists from the future. Which makes one wonder about the anal probing...
      • It's just that aliens are all yaoi fangirls/fanboys from the future. You know, it's bound to happen.

I'm Batman
I can say that without the real Batman beating the hell out of me. I must somehow be the caped crusader without knowing it.
  • But I can equally say that I'm Batman, and you're yet to beat me up about it. Factoring in the idea from the comics that many normal people think that Batman is just an urban legend, is that so different from us thinking he's a comic book character? Everybody in the world is Batman at the same time. It's the same theory as the one several items above (the claim that everyone is one time traveller) but with Batman.
  • And yet suspiciously neither one of you has posted again.
  • I'm not Batman, he doesn't have boobs, and I don't have a penis. Perhaps I'm Wonder Woman?
  • I'm Batman, but I sometimes like to pretend I'm Wonder Woman...
  • I'm Batman, and I can lie to nerds.
  • I'm Spartacus!

Every leader is a Knight Templar
It is impossible to lead a group without being slightly jerky to another group for your own group's benefit - or, at least, it's very hard to avoid such a situation. Now, when it's a small group of three or four, the leader of the group can easily look out for the people of the group without hurting anyone or anything else a great deal. However, as the group gets bigger and bigger, there's more pressure on the leader to keep everyone in the group happy and safe. Eventually the leader will do anything to make sure the group is okay. This is why the USA and the USSR purposely screwed with other countries for their own advancement in the Cold War (and the USA continues to do so today), and also why God is sometimes a jerk.
  • Though Russia didn't stop doing this, it just stopped being the USSR.

All squid are actually a space-faring species.
  • Earth is just a breeding ground for them. The extinction-level event at the end of the Cretaceous period? One of these space squids laying its egg. The egg was actually a gigantic clump of eggs that released all known species of squid. They live for an incredibly long time and eventually launch themselves out of the atmosphere to join their pod. The Kraken? Yeah, space squid. UF Os? Space squids saying goodbye to the planet.
    • Sheena says hi.
      • So, when we eat them, we actually prevent the world's destruction? Do octopii count?
      • They do. But only up to eight.

Human pilots won't be made obsolete by pilotless aircraft.

Conspiracy theorists and radical left-wingers are pawn of the real New World Order
  • It is the hope of the New World Order that the aforementioned groups will push their beliefs enough that the legitimate governments of the world will be destabilized. This will allow the New World Order to begin revolutions under the guise of socialist, communist, anarchist, libertarian or other such groups. So everyone claiming that their government is being run by a syndicate of corporate elite trying to create a one-world government are in fact supporting the one-world government.

Modern government is actually a Springtime for Hitler.
  • After WWII, anarchists, communists, socialists, libertarians, and other third party groups were disillusioned with the government and decided to demolish it from the inside. They infiltrated the two party system and took on ridiculous stereotypes instituting policies that demonstrate what they think is wrong with government. They were hoping that people would eventually tire of the government and lean towards other government systems, but not enough people get the joke.

Ockham's Razor is the Illuminati's most powerful tool.
It's a lie basically. Simple as that.
  • No, it's the coffee. That vile, black liquid of despair burns into people's minds, turning them into slaves of conformity. I never liked coffee, so, I'm not like the average Jane.

Beatniks didn't disappear. They took over.
Think about it. What were Beatniks after? Coffee, bad poetry, wearing black, and mocking the leave it to Beaver culture of the fifties. Now, try reading some modern poetry. Notice how every color is called "The new Black" when it's in style. Notice your addiction to caffeine and mocking the fifties. The Beatniks are the real Illuminati.
  • The snapping fingers, Anything but the snapping fingers of death!!!!
    • I thought they turned into goth/emo/scene.
      • What they want you to think.

Tanning booths were invented by vampires, for vampires.
In order to hide their pale complexions, vampires need to tan. But they can't do it in natural sunlight, so they resorted to artificial means. The fact that tanning booths look like coffins should be a no-brainer too.
  • Stephanie Meyer was telling the truth, and it would just be ridiculous.
  • Naturally they invented mechanical pencils too. They want to deprive the world of an easily accessible source of wooden stakes.

There is no Nostalgia Filter.
With a few exceptions, the past really was just better. Anyone who thinks otherwise was born cynical, so obviously their perspective is warped.
  • So, you say the Holocaust was better for the Jewish than their dominance of Israel? Or that slavery was better than freedom? You are sick.
    • I was actually going for the pop culture angle. And the "kids were allowed to play outside when I was younger" angle. And the... JESUS CHRIST I LOVED MY CHILDHOOD, OKAY? The '90s WERE fun, dammit! Stop trying to make me hate the one part in my life where I was actually happy!
      • Alternatively, there really isn't a Nostalgia filter, but there is a Present Filter. People who grew up in the nineties , eightiesa, seventies, sixties, etc. think each decade was better than the one right after, when in reality they're all about equal, good and bad stuff in pop culture and otherwise.

Barack Obama is an avatar of Tzeentch.
Tzeentch is the god of Hope and Change. Sound familiar?
  • That means our universe is the Anti-Warhammer 'verse, and the rest of our galaxy is full of peace and love!
    • Yayness! But then, why did Hitler exist?
      • Avatar of Khorne.

The real reason for No Swastikas laws in Germany is because Those Wacky Nazis put a magic spell on the swastika symbol, causing any resident of Germany who sees it to turn into Nazis. However, the spell (partly derived from the Thule Society, Himmler's racial research projects and hypnosis experiments by Nazi scientists) didn't fully work, and turned out to only affect computer games and shows inside the Animation Age Ghetto. Stalin tried a similar project with the hammer and sickle, but tests largely failed, only affecting some minor Baltic states, which is the reason for equivalent laws there.
  • The Buddhism's Swastika meant life, their reversed and twisted one meant a twisted death, I guess.
  • Nazis were just a bunch of wussies that were overly obsessed with Mind Screw.

Hugh Laurie is a favourite of Apollo.
Let's see, devilishly handsome, sings, plays the piano and the guitar, and he's an awesome writer. Perhaps the god of 'respectable' artistic pursuits is trying to tempt him from Dionysus' sway, hm?
  • Just keep him clear of any high-velocity discuses and you'll be home free.

Anne Coulter doesn't believee in any of the things she says
In fact she's a satirist posing as a straw conservative. Similar to Colbert, but she pushes it to the dangerous extreme.

Michael Savage is autistic.
That probably explains it.

O.J. did it but...
He was still framed in order to make sure the charges stuck. Which could explain the evidence screw ups.

"Octomom" is actually an Other Mother
She just took the middleman out of finding and seducing potential pets victims prey loving offspring.
  • The real Other Mother is, of course, Angelina Jolie.
    • No, no, it's Sarah Palin. Notice the psychotic side.

Barack Obama is a Creator's Pet.
Perhaps it's just this troper?
  • No.
    • As in NO!, or "It is not just this troper?" Because FOX news seems to think so. (Personally, I think he's much more valid than many people we focus on in the news)
      • It's not just him. But you are right that the doings of the US president are rather more relevant to everyone than the latest on whatever Hollywood bozo the media's stalking this week.
      • It should be, since if they screw, we are screwed. And I'm not even American.

John Hinkley succeeded in assassinating Ronald Reagan
The post-1981 Reagan was actually an android controlled by Nancy Reagan to prevent the first George Bush from coming to power. Alzheimer's was just a cover-up of a severe malfunction in the false Reagan's programming.
  • I know it's all in fun, but that skirts very close to Dude, Not Funny! territory.
    • So, everybody with Alzheimer's is a malfuncioning robot? Dammit.
      • A lot of my faimly's had alzheimers, the really arnt functioning, and its tragic NOT FUNNY. at what point can you delete offencive content?
  • I can accept a malfunctioning Reagan-Bot, but your reasoning doesn't pan out: Bush I was Reagan's VP. Why would a Republican first lady attempt to keep a Republican VP from becoming president after Reagan's two terms? In any case, her plan didn't succeed because George H. W. Bush won in 1988.

Hajime Yatate and Izumi Todo are superheroes.
They're so busy with their secret identities that they have no time to make public appearances, so Sunrise and Toei invented the idea of them being collective pseudonyms.
  • As is Yatsude Saburō
  • Actually, they're genetically engineered combinations of everyone who has ever worked at Sunrise and Toei, and everyone who ever will, as Japan has long since invented the time machine, and harvested DNA from all past, present, and future employees.

Yahtzee will revive video games and overtake Miyamoto as a gaming god.
It will happen. With all his rantings about what is wrong with games, he obviously knows what will make gaming right.

UF Os and aliens are all just a practical Joke that government is doing.
One day some guy in the government said "Hey. You know what'd be funny? If we faked these little Grey people crashed in some desert in New Mexico"

That's why we have all these legends about magic and why we belive in supernatural incidents so easily it's a form of genetic memory!!! And the more creative and mischievous among us are descended from the fair folk who were left behind.

Everyone has AIDS.
AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS!
  • and shit!
  • But it's Zombie AIDS, so we're safe until we're undead.

Hell isn't an unbeatable level.
Just be glad it has fair difficulty.

Certain Presidents are Time Lords.
Because somebody had to make this guess anyway.

Fox News is the Yin, /b/ is the Yang.
Search your feelings, you know this to be true...
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