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Jesus' status is not God, at least not originally
His phrase "ego eimi" is actually "ego eimi ho on", which is essencially an expression for "I'm being honest" instead of "I am", as translated. Thus, he was just a prophet, not a divine being. Of course, he might have become divine after his death because Clap Your Hands If You Believe, but it wasn't the original plan...

Jesus is... uh, in Purgatory
Self-Explanatory, as well.
  • He gets sent to the correctional facility of the afterlife, to be let out once enough time has passed to account for every human's Original sin.

Monty Python's Life of Brian was more spot-on than anyone realized. No wonder his words can be taken to back up almost anything.
  • The Pythons themselves would disagree with you. They created the character of Brian not because they were afraid to tackle Jesus. That had been their original plan. They created Brian because they couldn't find anything to criticize about Jesus himself and so focused on lampooning religious fanatics which is much more fertile ground for comedy.

Jesus was/is the Wandering Jew.
He's Jewish, immortal, and nobody knows exactly what happened to him after that last visit. Plausible enough.
  • The Wandering Jew was supposed to have been cursed because he mocked Jesus on the cross, though. Unless Jesus had a self-deprecating sense of humor and was cursed for it?
    • It's a cover story.

Jesus gave God a human perspective
This is why there's such a huge difference between new and old testament god. Through Jesus, god was able to see just how flawed, weak, and vulnerable humanity really is. That we were practically inherently designed with temptations we face each and everyday, every hour of the day. God saw, realized that there are those that STILL never gave up and remained devoted to his faith, and truly realized humanity was god's greatest miracle.
  • Of course, that would contradict the idea that God is and always has been omniscient. An omniscient, all-knowing God would already know all that stuff about humanity right from the beginning. He wouldn't have needed to send down Jesus to get a ground-level view of things.
  • Many religions / belief systems (the difference can get a little blurry in ancient times) make the distinction between knowledge and experience. An omniscient entity knows everything, but He's probably experienced very little.
  • Alternatively, God already had full knowledge/experience of a human perspective, and Jesus's role was - among other things - to drive the point home. It's one thing to know on an intellectual level that God understands your pain; it's an entirely different thing to see him beaten raw and hanging from an execution stake.

Jesus is, or was Heracles.
He became Genre Savvy and escaped into the Abrahamic religion, when he realized the Greek Pantheon is doomed

Jesus was/is a Buddhist.
He visited India during the undocumented years of his life, discovered Buddhism, attained Enlightenment and returned to Judea to preach love, forgiveness and compassion to all. When he was crucified, he didn't die physically as he had already become a Bodhisattva (one who has attained Buddhahood but remained on Earth to help others attain wisdom rather than moving on to Nirvana.)

Jesus actually is Jesus
Think about it...
  • Wait, are we talking about Jesus?

Jesus was a human/alien hybrid
  • The Annunciation: an alien inseminating Mary.
  • The Star of Bethlehem: an alien spacecraft.
  • The prayers: communications with mission control.
  • The miracles: Sufficiently Advanced Technology.
  • The resurrection: two alien doctors in spacesuits regenerating Jesus's cells.
  • The promise of the second coming: a future where aliens Take Over the World.
  • The ascension: an alien spacecraft carrying Jesus away from Earth.
  • The assumption of Mary: an alien spacecraft carrying Mary away from Earth.

The stuff about Jesus left out in the Gospel of John got cut because even the Apostles found it too weird and difficult to believe
Jesus was the first century version of Audie Murphy, whose mere non-miraculous exploits were so fantastical that even men predisposed to accept the supernatural found it to be hard to think that they happened, even if they were direct eye-witnesses. (This is, incidentally, why Jesus performed so few miracles, and only as teaching moments—the rest of the time he was a continual walking awesome generator simply by being way cool.)

He came from a
Bad Future where the Crystal Dragon Jesus religion of Mithraism was promoted by The Roman Empire instead of Christianity. One of the biggest problems was the annual holiday of Tauroctony, which involved households each ritually slaughtering a bull; with worldwide demand for live bulls so high, much arable farmland was converted into cattle farms. This meant a devastating amount of methane pollution and vast watershed ecosystems in ruins, plus worldwide starvation due to more grain going to cattle than people. So Jesus went back in time to promote a competing religion and more or less made it up as he went along, borrowing the identity of some poor carpenter's son who died in the Judaean Desert. Fortunately, his Sufficiently Advanced technology allowed him to fake his death (at 33) and after spending a few days healing his wounds, he promoted the religion while skipping ahead in time as necessary.

Jesus' resurrection was intended to be treated as symbolic, not literal
It was meant to represent how through self-sacrifice, we are capable of achieving transcendence and de facto spiritual immortality. The discussion of physical resurrection (eg: the empty tomb) was simply an allegorical representation of that.

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