The Portrait of What Looked Like A Large Pile of Ash is an Artifact of Doom causing all of the weirdness
Voldemort made it to mess with the wizarding world.- It warps reality. That would explain the idiocy of our protagonists: their logic is flawless by the standards of the perpetually shifting reality (how Hermione survived being eaten by Harry).
- Hermione's mind has some natural resistance to reality warping, which is why she isn't a cannibal. It also explains her lack of reaction to her family being eaten by Ron: she thinks their deaths will be undone by either the perpetual warping or the destruction of the portrait.
- He's being Hoist by His Own Petard - he may have been destroyed or sent somewhere else by Ron, presumably through Ron Magic (made by the portrait), and his Death Eaters are definitely too nice to actually fight. Meanwhile, Harry and Ron are cannibals, magically amplified wind makes it harder to get into Hogwarts, Ron Magic exists and Ron can use it, Ron Magic might be able to send people to other places or destroy them, Ron sometimes turns into spiders (may be part of Ron Magic), Hermione has a Healing Factor, is Made of Iron, or both (recovers from Harry trying to eat her rather quickly), Harry might be a ghost, etc.
The story is an alternate retelling of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
The gang are Storming the Castle that's been overrun by Voldemort and Death Eaters."Clumping happily" is a colloquialism.
To do so is to get along — Hermione is trying to keep Harry and Ron from being stupid using threats of violence.- That makes a little too much sense for this story.
- Unless it's a colloquialism that only exists in this wacky world where Harry and Ron are cannibals.
Looking at Voldemort causes Harry pain and/or injury.
To deal with this, Harry tears his own eyes out so that he can't look at Voldemort.Harry's glasses get damaged
The reason that Harry can't see anything for the moment after he tore his own eyes out is because he took off his glasses before tearing his own eyes out and can't see without his glasses or alternatively he was wearing his glasses when he tore his own eyes out but he inadvertently damaged his glasses when doing so such that they're no longer useful until such time as they get repaired and as such he can't see anything for the moment.Everything in the chapter would make perfect sense with the context provided by the rest of the book.
When Rob turns into spiders, it's random and not permanent.
He randomly turns into spiders and later randomly turns back. In addition, the random transformation is part of Ron Magic.Ron Magic is named after the first known being with it, Ron Weasley.
They let him pick the name.Harry's eyes will regenerate.
If only because the narration forgets he took out his eyes. This would give him a Healing Factor just for his eyes.The Dursleys arrive at Hogwarts in Chapter Fourteen
When the narration says "they were not about to come [to Hogwarts] in Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash", it's only three sentences until the end of the chapter. The narration is lying.The wand Ron threw at Voldemort was either a spare or a trick wand
Hence why Ron reaches for his wand right after throwing the wand. By "spare wand", I'm including if it belonged to someone Ron ate. When Ron turns into spiders, he's a Mind Hive.
Ron Magic and how it works
Some possibilities:- Randomly turning into spiders is a side effect of having it.
- Throwing wands at people makes them get sent somewhere else, makes them Ret-Gone, or merely destroys them in the present.
- It's rare, which is why it's its own type of magic.
- It might involve making people's heads explode.
