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"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."
—James 1:5-6

God may have all the answers, but TV Tropes sure as Hell doesn't. Here's the space for all your wildest theories about The Lord from the nature of his omniscience in regards to belief systems where free will is essential for the afterlife to be coherently organized to his favorite flavor of ice cream.

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Just a disclaimer: try to keep it fun. Everyone has to confront the BIG questions at some point in life, but the really deep discussion would probably fit better on a site that doesn't put The Bible in the same index as The Ugly Barnacle. That said there's plenty of people that can fill your theological inquiry.To name a few,  Lastly, any wild mass guesses relating to a variety of Fandoms should go on The Almighty's Grand Unifying Guesses page.

The fact He is on the good side (at least, what's good in His eyes) but also commits horrible genocide against those He deems evil, the fact horrible things happen to His children but he rarely intervenes, and he is willing to burn his own children in Hell if they reject him could make him one. Also don't forget; when called out on committing horrible atrocities such as murdering seven kingdoms, killing 3000 Israelites in the desert and causing the Egyptian plagues, he just comes with shallow excuses and doesn't take responsibility, and he kills thousands of innocents instead of just killing the evil governments and no one else. He also created the human race just so they could worship him, and discards them and burns them in hell if they don't.
  • Regarding governments, it could be that bad government is better than no government, and either way the innocents would suffer, so why not take them out now instead of leaving them to suffer when the governments are killed off?
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God was once the omnipotent omniscient All-in-One God, but lost his God powers and fragmented in Genesis.
The combination of Fruit of Life with the Fruit of Knowledge is what allowed God to have the power and science to create the universe, but his creation/guidance of the evolution of life that culminated in Man was the beginning of his downfall. Man seized the Fruit of Knowledge away from Him (Genesis is the metaphor), giving Man the divine ability of Science, and thus with the God Powers rendered incomplete, God wasn't God anymore, and He fragmented into various forms of consciousness (represented by many contradicting gods, angels, events, appearances, and avatars like Jesus) that need to formulate such elaborate schemes after schemes after schemes for and against each other, all of which are part of God's unconscious desire to retrieve the Fruit of Knowledge back from Man, resulting in the union of God with Man, and the Resurrection of the reunited God's powers, hence the many references to assimilation and resurrection. This is why God is currently not omnipotent over the real world and needs stuff that an omnipotent God would not need, such as Religion, Jesus Christ and the necessity of being The Chessmaster.
  • If God was perfect, why would He let anything screw that up?
  • The Gospel of John makes mention of the Demiurge; a false god that goes by the name of Yaldabaoth. Created by the Divine named Sophia, she realised her mistake when he was revealed to be utterly insane and an abomination. Yaldabaoth is horribly flawed, but his insanity makes him believe he is perfect and infallible, and so the false world he has created is a twisted reflection of that. Even though the Bible and Torah characterize Satan as being that.
  • If Man got the power of science, why couldn't we even use it well until thousands of years later (ie. antibiotics, computers, etc.)? And if God is no longer all-powerful, why are there still miracles? It's also implied that without religion, people would easily stop caring about God and continue to screw up, so religion is for the benefit of Man, not God.
    • You "use" it from the day you are born. You observe, experiment, and implement from the moment you are conscious. It was only thousands of years that later that we accumulated enough data for technology (which is what you described, and is different from science) to reflect that.
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God really hates girls.
Just... I don't know. Just read it. There is Deborah... but after her came these sultry girls who sleep with their father, a woman who is forced to have sex with her dead husband's brother, periods, etc, chattel marriage, David having 700 concubines (but if a woman has sex with more than one man you have to stone her to death no matter her status)... the bible just isn't very woman friendly! You'd think an all loving god wouldn't be such a bitch. And it's all because Eve (who was pretty much a mindless puppet made just to make Adam a servant) ate a damn apple.
  • Or the people who wrote those parts of the Bible hated girls.
  • That would explain why, in Deuteronomy, it says something to the effect of:
    If a man rapes a woman who isn't engaged, he must pay her father 5 pieces of silver and marry her, because he has violated her, and he can't divorce her
    • Horrid as that is, in the culture of the time it was meant as a kindness. The girl would be unlikely to be able to marry after that.
  • Maybe but there was also the prophets Dorcas and Hulda as well as the honored architect Sheerah. They do not get much page time but are not portrayed negatively at all and the two girls and their father were marked for destruction with the rest of Sodom. It seems more like God, or the guys who wrote the Bible, did not see the point of using women unless men were unavailable but not to the point of hatred. There are just as many men portrayed negatively in the book and it was as easy for men to become unclean.
  • Say what? Positive female portrayals: Esther (Queen of Persia), Ruth (ancestor of Jesus), Mary (mother of Jesus), a servant girl, unnamed, that was brave enough to suggest visiting a prophet in Israel to her master, and several others that showed strong faith in God. Heck, women were the first people to discover Christ's emty tomb. I'd say women were portrayed pretty well.
    Rebekah used her intelligence to induce her just son from inheriting a position of power in the tribe rather than her womanizing son. Tamar fought back against what has been mythologized as "the Patriarchy" and forced them to give her the social acknowledgement to which she was entitled. Deborah was a military commander and a judge. Jael apprehended a runaway criminal. Abigail detained a royal army sent to kill her family and persuaded the King to change his mind. Rahab was a wartime spy who served as the insider to organize a military coup. Judith was another wartime spy who gained access to a tyrant and beheaded him herself. Esther worked her way up to Queen of the nation and used her position of power to stop a racial genocide from occurring. Susannah faced the possibility of death rather than allow herself to be blackmailed and sexually objectified. Mary belonged to a politically oppressed social class and deliberately gave birth to a child who changed the world after being raised by her (and she may have done most of that childraising as a widow). Compare the fact that even many of the most popular male figures (Abraham, Noah, Moses, David...) are intensely flawed and often completely unlikeable. The question rises whether the assertion that the Bible is misogynistic is really based on what's in there, or if it's just a talking point that is not consistent with the Bible's cast of strong, almost anachronistically empowered women.

God expected Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, and for Satan to trick them.
This is Paradise, why on Earth would he include this random thing to tempt us? And if God expected them to breed like rabbits, and considering all of Adam and Eve's messed-up kids, there's no way we could have all survived in Paradise without someone eating from the tree. It's widely agreed that the snake was Satan, so perhaps it was all a Batman Gambit to get Satan out of Heaven. Maybe God was just really not into this one angel. Of course, that assumes that either God is human or God Is Evil, which are neither implausible when you consider how sucky the whole world turned out. And even if it is all punishment for the original sin, you can see from above, God caused original sin, so God caused the suffering we have today.
  • The purpose of the Fruit of the Tree was a test to see who would and who wouldn't submit to God's sovereignty. By their eating of the fruit they showed a disobedient attitude and that they wanted to govern themselves. Even the wording Satan used when talking to Eve was solely to undermine God: that he was withholding something good from them and that he couldn't be trusted.
    • why would god need to "test to see" who would disobey him with he was Omniscient and Omnipotent? wouldn't he just by virtue of being god, already know that they would eat and since he would have already known this couldn't he have altered us in such a way that we had no desire to eat of the tree or give us a stronger will to resist temptation? the very idea that god need's to "test" us or have us grow is self contradictory since if god is all powerful and all knowing then he should have been able to make us start out better and therefore have no need to grow or to be tested,
  • Actually, this is more or less Mormon doctrine. They were given contradicting choices: Eat the fruit of the Tree of Life, or the Fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. They would have never had children had they stayed in the garden of Eden, and they would have lived in senseless bliss, not knowing good and evil and science, not able to progress. Basically, the Garden of Eden would have become a stagnant nihilistic Hell because of lack of progression.
  • This would fit into the traditional solution of "the problem of evil." God knew that for true goodness to exist, humanity would have to be capable of choosing it. The Tree of Knowledge was the first part of His Earn Your Happy Ending program for humanity.

The True God is not the Big Brother we witnessed in the Bible. The True God who created the universe is actually not aware of being the Creator, and he is just living his life as an average-joe Muggle
In other words, RL God is Haruhi Suzumiya. Well are there any other ways for God to be rescued from his "omniscient dictatorial Marty Stu" status?

God is the author of a Sprite Comic.
And Jesus is his Author Avatar. The reason there aren't many miracles anymore is that that level of breaking the Fourth Wall is a Discredited Trope in sprite comics these days.
  • This implies that at a higher level of reality, the video games have really good graphics.
    • Well, yes. God may be from the Star Ocean universe.

God is young, no more than the equivalent of a human in their mid-20s.
The dinosaurs came from the dinosaur phase every kid (or at least, almost all boys and many girls) goes through somewhere between age four and age six.
  • We started as an elementary school craft project, the celestial equivalent of "trace your hand and cover the shape in macaroni".
    • Not to mention his approval of Abel's animal sacrifice and his rejection of Cain's offering of vegetables. Eat your veggies, God!
  • The vengeful angst-ridden God of the Old Testament was a teenager.
    • Consider that he's eager to kill anybody who touches the Ark of the Covenant. "How many times have I told you, DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!!!"
  • Jesus aged to his early 30s on Earth but reverted to infancy on his return (God still doesn't know what to do about Jack Lewis borrowing that trope) .
  • The reason there aren't any more miracles is because God no longer pays attention to the trappings of His "childhood". In other words, we're now the celestial equivalent of the box of comics and the Atari 2600 in storage. Armageddon will come when God decides to clean out his attic.
  • Alternately, Armageddon will never come; we're collectible and will fetch a good price on eBay.
    • We would never sell on eBay, unless it turns out God's made it big in universes, since we're what amounts to a kid's superhero fan comic.
  • Of course, seeing as this marks God as no longer believing in the supernatural wonders he once thought were true, this means that God is not Haruhi, but actually Kyon.
  • You assume that God's nature is exactly the same as ours, which, in my opinion, is a faulty assumption. However, not being God, I cannot say for certain.
  • This would also support the idea that science and religion can coexist. We're the equivalent of childhood scribblings. Most babies, even if they make something recognizable, would not understand it themselves. Thus, God created us, but it took Him awhile to understand our nature. This would also explain how he was rather bratty and mean in OT, such as children destroying their toys, or even torturing insects for fun, but is much nicer in NT.
  • Armageddon = midlife crisis? Rapture = old age wisdom?
    • But... the Bible doesn't have a Rapture...
      • The Rapture symbolizes God being impatient.

God from the Old Testament is not the same one as in the New Testament.
Comedian Lewis Black puts it best: "The God of the New Testament is actually a pretty great guy. Especially when you compare him to the God of the Old Testament, who's a total prick." Not only does there seem to be a complete 180 in personality, but NT God is against many things that OT God is for or neutral towards. It also should be noted that God frequently used referred to itself as "us" in the Creation Story.
  • Alternatively, and to expand on the "God as Young Adult" guess above, the gap between testaments is when he got laid for the first time.
    • And by who, you ask? Mary.
      • That would be Jesus. My guess? Sophia.
      • Well, Proverbs 8 (specifically 22-31) suggest that Wisdom itself personifies itself as a woman. And not just any woman, but A Totally Hot Babe who helped God create the universe. It even implies that God and Wisdom had a certain "friends with Benefits" relationship going on. So there you go.
      • There was more than one Mary in the Bible. The Virgin Mary was the mother of Jesus, while Mary Magdalene is the one some people pair up with Jesus.
    • More like humanity as Young Adult and Old adult. Even Sci-Fi says that races in their early years are more violent/stupid. Sometime you just need to crack/smack your kids before they get the message. Then when they agrow a couple of brain cells as teens/young adults you can teach them about peace and love.
  • It should be noted that the Gnostics are big fans of this theory; they identify Old Testament God as an imperfect, possibly malevolent being called the Demiurge, and New Testament God as Sophia, a being of wisdom, of whom Jesus may have been either an agent or an aspect.
    • Or husband. Just saying.
  • One of my friends used the Batman analogy: Adam West, Michael Keaton, Christian Bale, etc. are all Batman — just different people under the costume. Actually, Dread Pirate Roberts might be even more apt.
  • Also, this has some additional canonical validity. Many (or most) of the examples of the "Old Testament God" are actually "God the Son" (check references and capitalization carefully); when "God the Son" became Jesus, that left "God the Father" — who is therefore the "New Testament God." Confused yet?
  • In the Old Testament, "God" was not treated like a person, but more like a power. This power only acted and spoke through agents called "angels," and was by definition unknowable ("Jehovah" is actually an acronym, because saying its actual name will summon it).
    • Which would be a reason why Jesus/Yeshua came to Earth, to show how God really was like.
    • So, God was a Final Fantasy summon spirit, with light hints of personality whenever the summon animation (the acting and speaking) would happen? (Or that God's words were lost in translation when the angels acted as messengers?)
  • God in the new testament is Satan from the old testament. His revolution finally worked. Satan was always good, and God in the old testament was evil.
  • This was actually a teaching held by Marcion, one of the earliest Heresiarchs of the Christian Church.

God is an AI
An idea that occurred to me as I was contemplating the question of why God would need to make Jesus to save us from the consequences of rules he made (after all, wouldn't it be easier to just change the rule?). There's one type of creature I can imagine that would be helpless to just change its own rules, and that's an AI. Whoever programmed God programmed Him to be the wrathful violent God of the Old Testament and to send people to Hell if they didn't follow a set of extremely exacting rules He gave them. But the programmer also made God to genuinely love humans. He didn't want to be a dick but His programming forced Him to, so He tried to find some way that He could stop being a dick while still remaining consistent with His programming. Jesus was an exploit that allowed Him to be nice to humans while still following His programming. The idea has some similarities to Gnostic ideas only with the morality reversed. Instead of Sophia being good while God is evil the programmer is a horrible Jerkass who created God in such a way that He would be forced to act like a monstrous tyrant toward His own creations and torture Himself in doing so, and God is a tragic monster/hero who rebelled by lawyering up a way to be nice to humans within the limits the programmer had set for Him.

God isn't the only god.
  • The First Commandment states "I am the LORD thy god; thou shallt not have strange gods before me". It doesn't actually say there are no other gods, just that God's followers should avoid worshipping them. Also, there's a scene in the book of Numbers where God actually fights Dagon. Plus, there's that whole scene in Exodus where the Egyptian priests have magical powers.
    • The idea's called monolatrism. Judaism was current with the Greco-Roman polytheistic religions, so to get along they would have to recognize the existence of other gods. The Christians decided There Can Be Only One, hence why they were persecuted by the Romans for not paying tribute to the Roman God-Emperor. It's interesting that a lot of phrases point to the possibility of other gods, but how God outclasses them anyway, such as "I am the first and the last; beside me there is no god."
      • Incidentally, a lot of the genocide shown in the older parts of the Old Testament is thought to be based on this. Wipe out every last one of the enemy and you take their god down too because Gods Need Prayer Badly and dead religion means dead God.
      • There are some theories about Yahweh actually being the God of War from an alternate pantheon, represented by a human with the head of a cow. Thus the intense rejection of Baal (theorized to be the God of Harvest in the same pantheon) and the golden calf idol, as well as the rules against speaking the name Yahweh. It was likely the goal of devoted followers of Yahweh to create a monotheistic system by repressing the other gods and memories of the pantheon. It's easier to ascribe infinite power to a shapeless being that people can't really understand.
      • There are a number of gods with the title "Baal" in Hebrew Mythology, which which translates as "Lord". Jeremiah 23:26-27 has Yahweh complaining about people forgetting his name for his title Baal, trying to avoid cases of Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep". Even today there's practice of replacing instances of Yahweh's name with "Lord" (or "Adonai" in Greek); nevermind all the derivative translations of a culture's generic term for god as "God" or "Deus" or "Kami-sama" etc. This makes it all the more ironic to see translations of his rant in Jeremiah 23 followed by numerous instances of "saith the LORD" (KJV).
      • The Cannanite pantheon had 70 roughly equal brother gods each representing a nation under El and Anath, their parents. (That's why Yahweh is so eager to get the Hebrews to Israel in the OT, he wants them to be in his piece of land.) After the rest of the Cannanites died off/got conquered/etc the Hebrews conflated Yahweh with El and deleted everyone else.
    • Historically, the Hebrews were polytheists before they were monotheists. Abraham was the son of an idol-maker, and much of Genesis is taken from older Sumerian/Babylonian myths "tweaked" to match Hebrew cultural details (forty days and nights of rain instead of the original seventy, for instance, since forty was a holy number to the ancient Hebrews.) So originally, God was one of many gods.
  • Genesis 1:26: "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness..."
    • Well, that's easily explained with "God the Father" and "God the Son" (later Jesus). In fact, according to canon (read closely), it was the Son (again, later Jesus) who did most of the creating. I know! Wacky!
    • The word used for God in that passage, Elohim, is plural. And the line about the simultaneous creation of male and female humans implies male and female Elohim(or hermaphrodites). Perhaps some of them had a falling-out with the Judeo-Christian God and became the gods of other religions. It was only later that Yahweh started spreading propaganda about the other gods not even existing, or being demons.
      • Not if the image is a non-physical one. I always thought it referred to the spiritual nature of mankind.
    • Actually, it says this in the Bible. Psalm 82: The Downfall of Unjust Gods "God rises in the divine council, gives judgment in the midst of the gods. 'How long will you judge unjustly and favor the cause of the wicked? Defend the lowly and fatherless; render justice to the afflicted and needy. Rescue the lowly and poor; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.' The gods neither know nor understand, wandering about in darkness, and all the world's foundations shake. I declare: 'God's though you be, offspring of the Most High all of you, Yet like any mortal you shall die; like any prince you shall fall." Arise, O God, judge the earth, for yours are all the nations."
      • This passage makes sense, in light of what the documentary The Bible's Buried Secrets tells us: The Unjust Gods are either 1. god-like vassals of Yahweh, or 2. ancient princes and rulers of nations, who were thought to be divine by the populace. God's essentially saying "Hey you, stop abusing your power and HELP the people, or else I'll take your power away from you!"
      • Isaiah 57 says that not only did people simply dream up false gods out of their imagination but that some Jew witches went into the world of the dead to see what kinds of gods they could find there. In proverbs Solomon also relays messages from a being who claims she existed long before God created the universe as we know it (assuming that whole thing was not metaphorical).
  • PBS did an interesting documentary on Nova titled "The Bible's Buried Secrets". In it, biblical archeology strongly suggest that originally, Ancient Hebrews were more Pagan/Caananite in origin, leading to them having a monotheistic in intent, but polytheistic in practice religion. Yahweh was the chief of this pantheon, even having a wife named Ashara (who was the Ancient Caananite mother goddess figure), with the other gods being analogous to the angels and saints of modern Catholicism. Despite attempts by the prophets and the clergy to get the populace to commit fully to monotheism, the Ancient Hebrews kept worshipping the other gods, which, as a violation of their contract with Yahweh, meant that they lost his protection.
  • There is an idea going around that the "gods" mentioned in other religions are actually human angel hybrids created before Noah's flood. There is a very strange text in Genesis 6:1-3, the meaning is heavily debated, but one ancient view, is that the "Sons of God" are Angles (Rogues of Satin? ...Sorry, couldn't resist), the "Daughters of Men" are humans. The Angels impregnated the humans, and the humans bore giants (Yup, sounds like Neon Genesis Evangelion to me). The Angels also taught the humans magic spells that eventually lead to complete chaos since we couldn't handle that kind of power.
  • In 1 Corinthians 11:3, Paul talks about the offerings made to idols. "...The sacrifices of pagans are offered to demons, not to God and I do not want you to be participants with demons." So the false and unjust gods were actually demons.
    • That's why it's called Demonization. If you don't want people to like them, you call them evil.
  • Perhaps there were other gods, but they were killed/demonized because God's a raging narcissist.
  • The New Testament was written in ancient Greek, "Daemon" didn't necessarily mean evil but spiritual being that is not a god. These daemons were often a source of inspiration, knowledge and creativity, hence the Roman equivalent of daemon is "genius". Still, one claiming to be a god would be lying, at least if they were claiming to be a god equal or before the GOD but that does not mean every daemon is evil or asking for the puny humans to make idols of them. The souls of the blessed were called Eudaimones, which is similar enough to suggest that they were not all bad.

Corollary to the above: Gods Need Prayer Badly and a god ceases to exist when it has no followers.
Perhaps this doesn't belong on this page, but it connects to the above WMG: Gods do exist (note the example of God fighting Dagon above) but only when they have followers. Once no one believes in a god, they don't exist anymore. This could be understood in the scientific sense; once an anthropological sect dies out, there's no way or reason for other sects to link to them or connect, and so they fall; or it could be seen in the theological sense, and taken at face value.
  • [[Fridge Brilliance: So that's why the Abrahamic God is described as being all-powerful-more than half the world is worshipping Him, and giving thus making Him so powerful.]]
  • Little hard for the creator of the universe to run on the psychic energy of the people it created don't you think?
  • Maybe he's a farmer? He got a bit hungry, so he created living things that he could get food from ie us?

God is Santa Claus!
He sees you when you're sleeping? He knows when you're awake? God's supposed to know and do everything, so wouldn't it be feasible for him to know who's good or bad and possibly give everyone presents in a night?
  • Alternately, Santa's a regeneration of Jesus.
    • Are you saying Jesus is a Time Lord? I hope so.
      • It would make the resurrection seem a bit more plausible.
      • And it would also explain why his friends and followers don't immediately recognize him after his Regenerat- Resurrection.
  • Alternately, Santa is just a stalker.
  • No, Satan is Santa!
  • God is the precarnation of the human man Nicholas of Myra.

God is the CEO of a company that is manufacturing universes, ours is an early alpha version.
He still keeps us as a keepsake. Satan was a buggy angel. The final version does not have evil. Armaggedon comes when the bugs just get too prevalent and he has to delete our file.
  • Wouldn't Armageddon be more of a bug sweep? Or maybe a purging of unnecessary files within the larger universe? According to the tail end of the readme file, Armageddon is supposed to leave the universe better than it was before. (Or is that what it's like in the cosmic Recycle Bin?)
    • Fear not, for the Faithful have been back up in the Database of Life. Jesus Saves!
      • Considering my own theory about the binary nature of the universe as detailed in the Bible, this one almost makes sense...

God needs believers to keep him alive and his diminishing appearances as time goes on are actually an attempt at suicide, but Jesus wouldn't let him kill himself.
Jesus was originally conceived as a replacement, but when he realized Gods plan for him, he subverted it by telling his followers that he was still connected to God because he didn't want his father to die.

God programmed pre-timed miracles into the laws of physics when He created the world
It explains quite a bit, when you work free will into the equation- humanity has taken fate Off the Rails, and so he has to fudge with his official motives when a scheduled miracle pops up.
  • The reason he "hardened Pharaoh's heart" after the first couple of plagues was because he hadn't expected him to give in yet, and didn't want to look foolish when all the firstborn died, frogs were everywhere, flaming hail rained down, etc, and the Jews had already left
    • See above on monolatrism, though — in the original text, it's "Ra hardened Pharaoh's heart."
      • Which would nicely explain why God kept going instead of letting up when Pharaoh was about to give in.

Is there a God?
Mu.

God had a change of heart between the Old and New Testaments
The above theory that OT God != NT God can also be explained by God becoming more easy-going. There's actually a theory that when God appeared as Jesus, He experienced what being human was really like, and decided to be more lenient and compassionate towards His creations from then on.
  • Not really; there are plenty of references to God's mercy and compassion in the OT. People simply like bringing the Wrath up instead.
  • He came to Earth, discovered Cannabis, and become a stoner.
  • Alternativly he just didn't respect pain and suffering until he was mutilated as Jesus.

Moses becomes God, and goes back in time to coach himself to free the Hebrews.
Val Kilmer voices both Moses and God in The Prince of Egypt. Enough said.
  • So God is Val Kilmer and thus also Batman!

God is one of The Fair Folk
"And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." (Judges 1:19)
  • Read the rest of the book. He handles the chariots with no problem, stating he only let up because the Israelites were not fully committed.

God was a programmer, Adam and Eve were the beta testers, Satan was a system cracker, and Jesus was a patch.
The apple was the, if you'll pardon the inaccuracy, core of the game, and Satan broke in and told the clueless testers (god's non-tech savvy friends) to mess with it in order to turn on godmode. They screw it p, God revokes their system access so that they and their invites can't do that again, puts a better firewall up, and this time it's a firesword. Later, all the increased respawn traffic the PK'ing causes floods ther server, and his admin Noah has to help fix it before anyone can be let back in. The Moses stuff was all an in-game event to explain a rules change in context to prevent another PK respawn server flood, with a few things about "no porn" and "listen to the admins" thrown in. Jesus was a patch added to the game as a last-ditch effort to make things better, punish PK'ers with a longer respawn wait and decrease damage dealt by roman-class creatures, but it ultimately failed. There was also an optional sidequest on the premium sever where if you did a bunch of tasks each day you could get a bunch of in-game rewards (with rumors spread about a harem minigame being unlocked if you participated long enough), but nothing really caught on. Membership exploded as the internet increased in popularity, but eventually not even the fan-made Quest for the Golden Plates (first place gets to name the questgiver after themself, and all participants get a pg-rated harem mod), but nothing ever really kept up interest like the earlier versions.
  • If those were the stated goals of the "patch", does that make forgiveness of sins the best Good Bad Bug ever?
    • Pretty much
      • Actually, scratch that. Salvation is way too specific and elaborate to be a random glitch. The resurrection must have been an Easter Egg.

God and Satan are the same entity, an Eldritch Abomination, and wrote the Bible for the lulz
See the thousands of contradictions, especially these two:And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel.- II Samuel 24:1

And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.- I Chronicles 21:1Was it Satan or God? How about both? It might explain how God was violent in the Old Testament, but got kinder in the New; he wanted to attract more victims, and the old method wasn't working. We were created to be his Human Resources.

  • This is the problem with "either or" logic. God allowed Satan to provoke David. It's probable that David had been screwing around and got too egotistical. Note that Nathan tells David that it's a bad idea and David still goes forth to count his fighting men.
  • God and Satan are Bernkastel and Lambdadelta.

God hates Bisexuality
Thus why He is against "lying with a man as you would a woman" A gay person would not lay with a wo/man as s/he would a wo/man.
  • This is true. Without considerable unnecessary effort, lying with a person of one sex as you would with a person of the other sex is physically impossible.
    • It's considerably easier if you're a man who likes anal. Just saying.
      • Which leads me to believe that God is in fact against anal, but doesn't really care with whom.
  • Gee. Thanks a lot.
  • Oral is fine though. Didn't Gabriel blow a big horn?
    • And so did Joshua, to get into Jericho... I'm never going to be able to think of that scene again without thinking of this.
    • Nope. God killed Onan for coitus interruptus in Genesis 38:8–10. He hates any non-procreative sex.
      • Well He does have a pretty mechanical view on sex. After all, God's pretty much an Asexual.
    • He only started on Onan because Onan wouldn't provide his new wife (and previous sister in law) with a kid for his own selfish reasons. (The kid would inherit his dad's stuff, whereas he'd get it if there was no kid)
  • God hates Bisexuality since he himself is a bisexual, and There Can Be Only One. After all, how can he create humanity (man AND woman) in his own image?
  • This means that Jack Harkness is Satan.

God is not omnipotent; there's a Rock Paper Scissors relationship between God, man, and Satan
God beats Satan through sheer power, Man beats God through free will, and Satan beats man through temptation.

God is his own father through a Stable Time Loop.
The Church states that Jesus and God are two aspects of the same being. What if Jesus was a young God? God creates Jesus, who eventually ascends into heaven and becomes God himself. Then, at some point, he goes back in time and creates himself - forever repeating the cycle.

God is chronically insecure.
Any time it looks like humans are achieving something that would bring them nearer to his level, he feels the need to knock it all down. Ergo, he's scared that humans will one day stop needing him.

God is worshipping us.
He created an entire universe just for us? Before we were even born yet? You can't get a more dedicated follower than that. Sure he throws a hurricane at us every now and then, but that's only when he gets mad and questions his faith in us.

God was originally a superintelligent being that broke the light speed barrier without the use of hyperspace or warp drives.
Among other things, two of the changes that occur as an entity approaches the speed of light is that it increases in length, and that time dialates, essentially making their perception of time slower, causing them to see external events sped up. Thhe speed of light is determined to be when the factors for each "infinity."Since theoretically, one could not progress past infinity, ones speed would be limited as well.God might have broken the barrier, causing him to permeate all time and space in his universe, which essentially erased his begining and end of existence. Because he now exists in all time simultaneously, he used his omnipresence to alter the natural formation of the universe that eventually birthed him, in order to make his own universe."Spiritual" locations such as heaven and cursed places "hell, hades, pergatory, etc." are sealed in dimensional pockets inobservable and inaccesible from the physical world without authorization. Hell in particular being sealed off in a way so that God can avoid permeating there. "Spiritual" beings "angelics, demons, fallen spirits, etc." are formless conciousnesses programmed into spacetime that are given the ability to assume either a single form or multible forms, or no form at all.
  • Except, it's called Lorentz contraction, not lengthening. Fast things look elongated only in Star Trek. Following this, Good wouldn't exist everywhere, he would be in a tiny dot.

Think about it: God is in direct opposition with Jesus in a way that Yin is opposed to Yang. God created this Crapsack World in Genesis; Jesus offers us nirvana. God is sadistic; Jesus is pacifist. God forces everyone to embrace Him and Him only; Jesus encourages love on each other, even your worst enemies. God is anonymous and spends it trolling us through smitings; Jesus embraced existentialism, even suffering and being trolled for the sake of his personal philosophy. God rules over the rich and almighty; Jesus serves the poorest. God justifies the atrocities of the pedophiles I mean aristocratic priests; Jesus encourages civil defence. God rules for almost eternity (come on, give everybody a chance!); Jesus never ruled but was "elected" by the masses (as seen on christianity). Since God is the top and Jesus is the bottom (Get your mind out of the gutter), it can be said that God is clearly Jesus' opposition, the Anti-Christ.
  • If you think about it, this makes sense.... so much.

God is Jigsaw
The entire Tree of Knowledge itself was a giant Jigsaw trap: it was a game to get us out of the hedonism of Eden and allow us to become entities of learning, more importantly learning a lesson on life. After this test, God puts more and more tests on the rest of humanity, to decide who truly deserves "eternal life" and leave those "unexamined lives which are not worth living" to die.
  • "If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." Now back then, "hell" meant death, so yup I smell Jigsaw right there.
  • But if you read Nietzschean theory, Paul twisted this into "God does not want you to cherish your own life, if you do you will go to hell".

Sending sinners and people using free will to Hell was God's greatest mistake.
Some possible explanations. Jesus might have realized the actual humanity is, in fact, versions of himself but in Hell, and he sends himself into Hell, violating and destroying the doctrine of Christianity and God along with it. Or, through free will humanity has evolved, and achieved a state that can rival God and the angels, and also is the single force keeping the universe from becoming boring, and because God exiled those people down to the abyss, they took advantage of that and became uncontrollable Eldritch Abominations themselves, piercing the heavens and taking God's place in the universe (although that sounds a lot like a crossover between Neon Genesis Evangelion and Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann though). Or, Hell, becomes A Hell of a Time and is revealed to be even more awesome than Heaven (ala Nordic Valhalla). There could be other ideas.
  • So... does that mean everyone goes to Hell?

God foresaw the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and he saw that it was absurd.
And lo, did he say "thou shalt have no strange gods before me," and lo, did he say "no buttsects," to ban the bulbous meatball-cheeks of the monster, and its hanging noodly appendage[s], and lo, did he say not to partake of the shellfish, for everyone knows that pasta marinara is delicious with shrimp. BUT the prophets mis-heard, for they wanted pomp, and they wanted gravitas, and the Hovercraft became full of Eels, for even the perfectly ordinary gods were looked down upon by the Chosen people of He Who Am, and men were forbidden to lie with men, and eventually women with women, AND the Flying Spaghetti Monster doth recieve worship even to this day!
  • Well that's just silly. If they wanted gravitas, they could have easily turned to God or Stephen Colbert.

There is no God
Then you'll see it isn't God who warps reality, it is only yourself... but then you'll see you are in fact Jesus Christ.

God was breeding a race of super- masochists.
Hence why Jesus accepted the Crucifixion, the most painful punishment at that time, but also the ancient equivalent of modern bdsm as we know it (seriously, whip that resemble a cat-o-nine tails, public humiliation, crucifixion where the victim's posture is too vulnerable, public humiliation, this time with clothes stripped off, you know the story).

"God" is actually a job.
God,as we know him,is merely one individual in a dimension which is so advanced they create universes for profit. God just happens to not be as skilled as some of his other coworkers,and that is why there is imperfection.Satan is an excuse to cover his ass
It's a job taken by multiple people, which is why he seems to have massive mood swings in the Bible.

God is evil, Satan is also evil
But Jesus is a pretty cool guy who wants to become an hero and stop his dad.

God is not a single entity, but a triangel
There is no god, but there is a powerful race of universe-creating Eldritch Abominations called the Angels. Basically, an entity called God was created through the fusion of three angels, which we now know as the Holy Trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. For additional WMG: those angels were actually Adam, Eva and Lilith.

God is Joss Whedon
And the fallen angels mutate into the Epileptic Trees after being banished into that island where they are punished (or powered) by tropes forever and ever. Well, what explains the trope called Word of God?

God is a Fallen Angel

God and the rest of the Canaanite pantheon were angels. However, Yahweh rebelled against the true god, Brahman / The Collective Unconscious, and was punished. However, he managed to take refuge in the Middle East where he started his religion of Judaism. As time went on, he decided to make himself the only god which is why the bible says that he is the only one.

God isn't against euthanasia, suicide by mental illness, etc
Because, after all, "Love thy Neighbour". If you really love you neighbour you have to let him / her go.

God's omnipotence and omniscience are simple Fanon.
Think about it. The Bible credits God with a number of amazing feats, creating Heaven and Earth in the first place not the least among them. Yet — everything He is shown to do is quite achievable with sufficiently large yet still limited amounts of power and knowledge. On the other hand, a truly all-powerful and all-knowing entity would be able to deal with upcoming problems in ways that He is never actually shown to employ. Ergo...?

(Never mind that as the book progresses, God's actual power does in fact seem to decline over time as though he'd already expended most of what he had on the big showy stuff early on.)

Yahweh is a renegade member of the Egyptian Pantheon.
He either thought he could run the world better, or just had a big ego. So he began a Batman Gambit by creating Adam and Eve in an uncharted area, so that they and their descendants would have no idea about the other gods. Eventually Abraham came along, and Judaism with it. Ultimately, as Gods Need Prayer Badly,the loss of worshipers destroyed the other deities.

It's why he varies so much between God Is Good and God Is Evil. Its why He claims and even seems to be moral, and at the same time dispensing disproportionate retributions: His mind is so alien that what He considers "good" and "evil" are His moral concepts, not our own. Considering that He's an Eldritch Abomination and a Time Abyss, it would suit Him very well.
  • For him, that is.
  • It's safe to say that the same applies to His followers who are required to live up to His standards in order to receive eternal paradise.

God is a Universal Frat Boy
He was playing a prank on Abraham when he told him to sacrifice his son, but chickened out before the end.The other smitings can be explained by this too.
  • He also told both the Jews and the Muslims that the Holy Land belongs to them and is now passing the popcorn watching them fight. It's given over a thousand years worth of entertainment.

God is bored
Knowing and being able to do everything would REALLY suck if you think about it, you would know every plot and not be able to challenged. As such God, in an attempt to be less bored, spends his time creating stuff or watching humans, who, due to their freewill, he can only make reasonable guesses as to what they will do next.

God is a survivor of Ragnarok.
It was established that Norse Mythology was a precursor to The Bible. In this way, God (or YHWH, to be more accurate) may have been a deity from the Norse pantheon-one that was very obscure. Unlike the other gods, YHWH actively tried to hide from Ragnarok, knowing it would kill Him. After Ragnarok, He used the opportunity to rebuild the world, via scavenging the remains of the old Norse gods. This led him to become the powerful Eldritch Abomination billions worship nowadays.

The reason He claims he is the one and only god is because they're no longer there. The 'Verse of the Bible is essentially a second attempt at running the world. Going by this, Satan/the Serpent could be a reincarnation of Loki. Both are affable troublemakers, depending how you see them. However they both become enormous threats, related to the end of the world.

  • He then made Jesus (or became him, whatever you believe) to be like Baldur.

God is the name of an advanced weaponry scientist, humans were built to combat races like the one God comes from
We're a biological weapon, with freedom of thought and understanding of war. What could be more perfect? We adapt quickly, we advance quickly, and no matter what odds are we find a way to survive and spread out.

God is a narcissist.
Why else would he describe himself as perfect in every way?

God is a girl.
Women give birth, God created the earth, it makes a lot more sense when you think about it.
  • God is omnipitent and therefore as a female gave birth to the male form of himself, then realized he needed to make something to occupy his time so once again became a woman to make earth, then become male again, That's why women were last to get their rights.
  • At that point the only thing our fragile, feeble minds, would be able to conjer up is to say one last curse O' MY GOD
  • The space surrounding earth is not silent, but so loud that if we could fathom the sounds we would be evicerated in a flurry of indefinite hues, that we could never really be sure existed at all, So to the fact that the person themselves is wiped from existence and every thing they ever did. It's filled with the screams of the people who have seen him.
  • I can't believe this because the simple act of believing would leave a crater, of never being here at all, right where I sit.
  • Let's not forget that God is a Tsundere (specifically a Type B variant). He will start off as a nice person until you mess up and the consequences are far beyond being called a Baka.

God was a pantheon(s) before, but merged into 1 being once belief systems changed.
As mentioned above, in the original, it was Ra who hardened the Pharaoh's heart, but it was translated to god. Also, what do depictions of Zeus and the Lord have in common? What does 'Zeus' mean in Greek? When gods lose all their followers, it could be because their followers worship someone else, meaning that the worshiped one absorbed them.

God is a sadistic mass murderer
  • This explains why he let Adam and Eve eat the Forbidden Fruit. It also explains how he is able to destroy whole civilizations, and flood the entire world, with what he claims to be righteousness. This also provides an explanation to why he lets good people suffer, and why he let the Babylonians destroy Jerusalem and enslave the Jews.
    • Would that imply that he takes joy in killing people, because, according to the Tanakh God would really rather not kill people and let things run their course (or better yet, them find eternal life). Habitual mass murder perhaps?

God is a Knight Templar.
It explains so much.
  • He also counts as a Knight Templar Parent since He will go extremely insane if someone slightly offends His followers.

He has a remote control to control whatever goes on down here. Now, when it comes to Noah's ark, He could've easily just gone down there and told people to shape up or else. But no, he was to lazy, so he just went, "Hmm, better fix this. FLOOD POWER! Yeah! Oh, wait, that guy and his family over there are actually being good. Meh, I guess I'll let 'em live. ...shit. They're gonna need animals. Um... HEY! NOAH! TAKE TWO OF EACH ANIMAL, OKAY? OKAY!"
  • He could have created the animals all over again after the flood but he was lazy and made Noah do all the work.
  • Let's not forget that He was too lazy to notice that the tree of knowledge was close to Adam and Eve and that the serpent was there to deceive them. When Adam and Eve were deceived in eating from the tree, instead of calling them out on it and easily fix the problem, He decide to harden life for them and kick them out of the Garden of Eden.

God wants people to stand up to Him whenever He's about to do something drastic.
God has been willing to negotiate and even back down when about to indulge those genocidal urges. With Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham tried to get God to not smite the cities if He could find 10 worthy individuals in the cities, and Abraham negotiated that down from 50. God was going to smite the Israelites until Moses asked Him to stop. Maybe God wouldn't be so excessive if people said "Get a hold of Yourself!" when about to flip out (and not try to go behind God's back, because that tends to end poorly).
  • This seems likely, when ever his prophet had shown to be in favor with him and asked him to give the object of his wrath another chance he complied, even when the prophet's argument made no sense. For example, Moses's reasoning was you promised to make a great nation out of Jacob's descendants, even though God said he was just going to get rid of the other Israelites and start over with Moses, he'd still be keeping his promise to Jacob but he did what Moses asked anyway.

God is the Anti-Azathoth.
Both God and Azathoth are responsible for creating the universe. They're both one of the biggest example of the Eldritch Abomination trope, period. The difference between the two? God is The Omniscient, while Azathoth is mindless. God is the Mirror Universe Azathoth, what would happen if the big A was given a mind. In fact, the entire setting of the Bible is a Mirror Universe of the Cthulhu Mythos: the Bible is seen as a place where humans matter and good and evil are laid out, and the Cthulhu Mythos is seen as a place where human are as insignifcant as they are in real life and good and evil are alien concepts.
  • Azathoth is kind of already is a Demiurge with no Sophia to pull its leash.

God is a child of the Cthulhu Mythos
Specifically, God is the lovechild/merger between Azathoth, Yog-Sothoth and Shub-Niggurath. He inherited Azathoth's power, but developed a sentience from the other Outer Gods. Because of this, He could use Azathoth's might to be The Omnipotent, and Yog-Sothoth's prescene gave Him the ability to be everywhere inside and out of reality. Because of this and His omnipotence, He gained omniscence. His helping of his chosen people relates to Shub-Niggurath's Affably Evil nature.

The entirety of God's appearances/non appearances are part of a Xanatos Gambit for humanity's maturation

This is why He showed himself as a vengeful god to the early humanity and as a caring loving god from the new testament onward (if the bible is to be believed to the word), until humanity outgrew the need of a god. The fact that people can't prove He exists or doesn't exist, is all done in purpose. If you believe in Him, great, listen to what He has to say, but atheists can mature too. In summary: He fit the image of a father figure until humanity "grew".

'God' is actually an impostor being.
There are certain texts (I think the Gospel of John and Gnosticism) that claim YHWH is actually Yaldabaoth, a being created by a female Divine, Sophia. However, she realised that he was a clearly mad Eldritch Abomination. Despite this, he has managed to avoid destruction, creating us in the process. The result is that we are imperfect beings, created by an imperfect being who lies and deceives us in his madness and delusion, blinding us to the truth of the universe.
  • You're way off concerning the Gospel of John. Gnostic stuff goes against what is actually in the Bible so regularly I'd reccomend never reading the two as though they were complementary sources.

Reality is a Computer program, God is the designer/game master.
This explains everything. It's why there is basically nothing else in the universe (he only focused on one planet), it's why all the physics and biology is "just right", its how evolution happened (he coded it to be "scientific" as he rightly expected to populate the planet with people). The Six Days it took for genesis means it took him six days to enter the code and on the seventh day, he was overworked and rested for it. His Ultimate Goal is to basically turn the program into a self sustaining ecosystem that worships him on their own free will. Things like Sodom, the plagues, the flood, etc are all basically cheat spawn codes. He also talks to people early on just to give them a bit of guidance in the right direction. Jesus is him creating an AI representation of him that has the "goodness" stat hacked up to 100%. Jesus's death was a sign to god that humans were ready to live on their own now and that he wouldnt interfere anymore (though occassionally when bored, he will spawn a miracle or a disaster that he knows people will credit to him). He won't just listen to everybody's prayers though, its simply if he is watching the program, he may spawn something if he feels bored.

Hell is basically the garbage file folder where all the failed people in the program go because they didnt succeed in his eyes. Heaven is basically giving someone their own mini program where they can have eternal bliss and cross game chat with other dead heaven buddies. The Rapture is also his way of formatting the program when he feels that humanity can't evolve any more and so he will just move the worthy into their heaven program and just let the garbage file folder merge with the main program which will mean the earth will be full of glitches and errors and everyone left will just be screwed.

Also, not a literal "computer" program where god is some dude with a bunch of file servers. But a metaphorical one where god is really a nameless being that exists in a sense that is completely incomprehensible (he is, he has, he always will be. he is both a being and formless, both an individual and collective form of energy).

This is literally the ONLY way the bible, god, jesus, religion, etc can make pretty much perfect sense other than "basically none of it is real, it's just a non-fiction story based on some real events that were actually pretty boring" imo

  • Quantum mechanics supports this, strangely enough. Wave functions that don't collapse until someone observes them? Efficient use of RAM. Particles affecting each other across vast distances faster than the speed of light? They were both controlled by the same line of code. Dark matter? Just regular matter without the texture pack enabled.

God is just very lonely.
Think about it: the entire premise seems to be based off having a relationship with YHWH. One interpretation is that you can't go to Heaven unless you worship God. Prior to creating the universe, there wasn't anything but God. He basically spent eternity with nothing but a formless mess. This caused God to become incredibly lonely and desperate for friendship. That is the reason He wants people to worship Him:so that He has total companionship. The serpent thought mankind wouldn't want to be with a loner, and Satan just got sick of keeping Him happy.

God was an old stlye planeswalker and Earth was his created plane.

Yahweh was not always a God of Good.
Okay, let's be honest with ourselves, while we'd want to see an omnipotent being as perfectly good, it's not realistic. A timeless, spaceless and utterly unfathomable Eldritch Abomination could not naturally have any sense of human understanding, let alone human morality. Originally, before humanity gained proper self-awareness and the knowledge of good and evil, God was as unfathomable as something from the Cthulhu Mythos. Except for one vital fact: He is psychically connected to what He creates. The moment mankind gained true self-awareness, things go down the drain.

There's a reason why He was so paranoid about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It's because the moment we gained true awareness, it mindraped GOD Humanity desired for there to be a god embodying morality, and they got it. The God of the Bible is a split personality of the actual God influenced by another self-aware entity(namely, us). The reason for Values Dissonance is due to our morality being different back then: while we wish it weren't the case, there never was, and never shall be moral absolutes.

After mankind ended up driving God insane(by Eldritch Abomination standards, anyway), it desperately tried to follow their second command: give an explanation for sin. Satan was born soon after. Since good and evil are very powerful ideas, one could never vanquish the other. Then along came science. Science was God's true personality fighting back, trying to restore His mind. As well as moral relativism. You see, God's mindset can not only alter the world now, but completely rewrite history and reality as we know it. The reason for scientific innacuracies is due to a literal Retcon of creation by God's power.

As science and moral relativism grew popular, the "perfect good" personality and the "perfect evil" Devil weakened due to the lack of strong belief in a perfect deity and absolute morality. Fundamentalists, scientific repression and many major church officials, are a desperate(and probably unconscious) attempt to re-empower their God, and bring back reality to the former timeline. Oh, and Fred Phelps? He's using this on purpose to reduce the world into untold misery because he's the worst person ever.

"God" and the Devil are aware of this. Jesus was an attempt to enforce the idea of a God of Good, which the Devil used to enforce the power of sin. Even if they had their fullest power, the God of Good can't purge evil from the world since good needs to define itself by that, and vice versa. At this time, the (let's call them) Idea of Good and Idea of Evil are almost powerless due to a lack of them being needed, kept alive only by faith alone. They plan to survive in some form, perhaps as entities who exist on the internet.

God Is Good and the temptation of mankind was The Plan to get all humans to experience eternal bliss.
Similar to the above theory about how Hell is a myth, God's mercy extends beyond mortal death, and people are still able to repent even in the afterlife. The reason why God didn't just do all this from the very beginning is because you can't understand happiness without understanding suffering (look at how rich kids who've always gotten what they wanted are miserable and rotten).

Also, in the afterlife, humans will still be able to sin. It's just that they'll be so happy and fulfilled in God that sin will no longer hold any real happiness for them.

The Holy Trinity don't just represent Father, Son and Holy Spirit
They also represent:
  • Omnipotence, Omniscience and Omnipresence
    • That is close to the original trinitarian idea, to explain how one could be the origin of all things(Father), capable of anything(son) and present in all places(spirit). Father-Son-Spirit were just useful because the words were already in scripture.
  • Matter/Energy, Space and Time
  • Body, Mind and Soul
  • Superego, Id and Ego
  • Power, Servitude and Balance of Power

The Lord is both Good and Evil
Evil (or at least the word translated as evil) in the hebrew bible means calamity not the opposite of Good which means useful. Since The Book of Isaiah says that The Lord created Evil and since The Lord is Good, Evil must also be Good. The true opposite of Good is uselessness (or as it's called: Lawful Stupid, Stupid Evil, Stupid Good (by the actual definition of Good: Stupid Good isn't Good), Stupid Neutral and Chaotic Stupid).
  • There is a time for every action we are capable of doing. Evil is simply that which is inappropriate to any given moment we are blessed to have. The lord defines when something is good and thus creates evil.

Think about it. This is a huge premise of why He created humanity. Being reverenced as the creator of pretty much everything means so much to Him that he would go to extreme lengths into getting humanity to all worship Him. This is why He placed the first four of the Ten Commandments in which it involves giving him respect, and if others do things that have nothing to do with following these four laws, then that damages His pride and as a result, many were killed by God. He also hates it whenever humanity is happy on their own leisure that He decides to take their happiness away just so they can all spend quality time with Him.

God hates free will.
He used to like it until Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden fruit. And that's why He's placed the Ten Commandments as well as other miscellaneous laws for humanity to follow. Let's not forget about creating heaven and hell.

God is obsessed with blood.
Why do you think He commands the Israelites to give animal blood sacrifices as well as commanding others to kill others if they break His laws?

Sure, He may have a fiery temper and a giant ego, picked favorites and unfavorites, killed millions of people in the flood, tormenting people in order to test their faiths, admitting that he created evil, created a place of endless fiery torment if we don't make a Heel–Faith Turn, and many other extremely vicious and cruel things He does, but whether we believe it or not, He loves us, He wants what's best for us, and He needs money! The same applies to His followers, especially the ones who preach quite a lot on hell.

God is a Blood Knight.
No wonder He isn't called the God of War for nothing.

God is an Anti-Hero.
As far as Alternate Character Interpretation is concerned, He actually fits the mold of the common types of Anti-Heroes. Not that He would ever consider Himself as one.
  • Good Is Not Nice: He has an extremely fierce temper and a larger-than-life ego and is rather concerned about humanity's moral issues more than being a nice guy (and one of the moral issues in question are mainly people choosing not to feed said ego).
  • Knight In Sour Armor: In a sense. Despite how much He knows humanity is awfully flawed and corrupt, He still struggles to love us and forgive us (at least until Judgement Day). Then again, there's the fact He created humanity as flawed in the first place.
  • Noble Bigot: Despite that He loves everyone, for the given value of love anyways, He sure lets everyone know that He disapproves of homosexuality, has shown to have a negative attitude towards women, and let's not forget that He'll kill those who aren't a part of His people.
  • Pragmatic Hero: He does a lot of nasty things in order to lure humanity to His side from sin and even when they're not sinning, He has no problem putting them into hardships to make sure they won't fall into sin.
  • Nominal Hero: As far as God's motivation in doing good goes, it isn't because He cares for us, it's because He cares for our worship. He's doing a lot of good things to us just so we can cater to his ego.
  • Unscrupulous Hero: Make no mistake about it. All of the things He has done are downright monstrous, but He is only considered morally better than Satan. (At least in His mind).
  • Sociopathic Hero: As the first entry of this page states, He's downright genocidal, violent, bloodthirsty, and is more than willing to torture His creation in Hell if they don't love, believe, and worship Him. He may as well fit this anti-hero sub-type more than the others.

God is a Jerk Sue.
Just no matter how much He's caused plagues, used His Omniscient Morality License on His followers, and is willing to send people to a fiery torture chamber for the rest of eternity if they don't turn from sin, we all still praise Him for being the greatest force of good ever anyways. Of course, we are supposed to take His side and obey Him since He created us in the first place. This also applies to His followers. They judge others in the most nastiest way possible, but they are labeled as very good defenders of morality and are the most kindest people you will ever meet. Also, one has to understand that the people they judge are, by default, against God anyways.

Let's face it. Whenever God does cruel and extreme deeds such as killing millions, it's perfectly good, but if a human does the same thing, it's undoubtedly unforgivable. It doesn't help that the rules He made don't apply to Him anyways.

God's a nice guy; its just that His dickish moments are misinterpretations.
While you can still debate whether He's a nice guy or The Nice Guy, remember that even if you believe God was telling people what to write down, humanity was doing the actual publishing. Different people have different opinions on what is "good", and back in the day what they think is good might seem cruel by our standards. Life beyond death is a good example of this: its said that those who follow God will go to Heaven. What God meant was that you should follow the "good" part of Him(which is misinterpreted since not everyone can agree on what that is), rather than the "God" part of him. The whole "good works don't get you to Heaven" thing meant "Doing good yet not being good is not the path to Me. Actually be a good person, and we'll talk." This is probably the best solution for the Jerkass God tendencies, other than "He's evil who wants to screw over our freedom" or "He's a fictional being created in an era with harsher values."

How is it not been obvious? Here are some examples of the master troll at work:
  • "There are over a hundred billion galaxies, each with at least a hundred million stars. I'm going to focus my time on that blue planet and ignore the others."
  • "Adam and Eve, don't eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil." *creates a persuasive serpent*
  • "I'm all-knowing!" *The serpent deceives Adam and Eve to eat from the Tree of Knowledge* "How did that snake get here?"
  • "I'm everywhere!" *Adam and Eve are hiding* "Adam and Eve, where are you two?"
  • "I am all-powerful!" *Couldn't move chariots of iron*
  • "I'm all-loving!" *Later* "I hate sinners!"
  • "I am greater than the other gods!" *Later* "I'm the only God who exists!"
  • "Abraham, sacrifice your son to me." *He's about to sacrifice his son* "Actually, don't sacrifice him."
  • "Moses, I want you to convince the Pharaoh to let your people go." *Hardens Pharaoh's heart"
  • "My love, mercy, and forgiveness for my creation lasts forever." *Someone commits a sin* "You've sinned against me! I will never forgive you! I will send you to hell for all eternity!"
  • "Satan is my enemy!" *Chats with Satan and both agree on a bet to torture Job*
  • "I created evil and I will bring evil...and I will punish those who do evil!"
  • "Satan, you've spread evil across my creation. I'm not going to punish you until the world ends."
  • "I forgive all of your sins." *Announces the unforgivable sin*
  • "Love one another." *Later* "Abhor all sinners and unbelievers!"
  • "My love is unconditional... But if you don't repent, I will sentence you to hell!"
  • "I want people to believe in me." *Makes a universe with little to no evidence of His actions or existence*
  • "I made you evil by nature, but because of this, I will kill you and send you to hell for eternity!"
  • "If you pray to Me, I will answer your prayers." *Doesn't answer prayers*
  • "I never change!" *Abraham asks God to spare only a few good people in Sodom and Gomorrah* "Fine, I won't kill everybody."
  • "You sin against me, I will kill you!" *later in the New Testament* "You sin against me, not only I will kill you, but I will also send you to eternal punishment in hell!"
  • "You all have free will to choose me or reject me... I've predetermined who will go to heaven and who will go to hell."

God is so caught up with people's prayers.
The reason why many prayers haven't been answered by God is because He's caught up with other people's prayers. With so much going on in the world, it just so seems that God can't simutaneously answer all prayers; thus, He will only answer one prayer and then move on to answer the next. Then again, free will may be also issue since it's hard to request the prayer if, for instance, people are being prayed to turn away from sin, it's more likely that God will try hard in convincing them, but to no avail. He sometimes answers prayers a little too late, but sometimes, He doesn't answer them at all because He seems to get an enjoyment of testing people's trust with Him much like He's done to poor Job.
  • If God is all-knowing and all-powerful, it shouldn't be a problem. Maybe its something like Bruce Almighty—if you end up answering all the prayers, they'll screw each other over.

God has a fetish for fire.
Why do you think He always gets furious that He kills many people with fire, communicating with Moses through a burning bush, and is willing to send sinners to be burned for eternity? What a vicious deity.

This is pretty much why there are many scriptures that say that those who reject God will be condemned to Hell. And this gives us the impression that He will do extremely nasty things to get people to accept Him.
  • That explains so much.

The omniscience of God under a self-made Restraining Bolt.
Think about what would happen if God has absolute omniscience, meaning He knew everything that will ever happen, could and can't happen and happened. Before God does anything, He'd know exactly what He'd do, and would simply be following what He will do in the future/past/whatever. God would be less an independent being capable of making His own decisions than a being that lacks free will and is only following the destiny He implanted the moment He existed in space-time. Not to mention that this would include everything God has made, though unlike mortals YHWH is completely aware of lacking true independent thought. God decided to limit His all-knowing nature through His omnipotence. God can do anything, and this includes finding the solution for this omniscience conundrum-place a Restraining Bolt by limiting his all-knowing nature to not seeing the future. That way, God knows what you're doing and judges accordingly, but not your whole life. The "plan" is God "before" the Restraining Bolt, thus He can simultaneously plan out the universe and let you and Him have free will in the mother of all memory gambits. The Tree of Knowledge may be what God used as the Restaining Bolt, and when Adam and Eve ate from it free will was brought to all, Himself included. The Evils Of Free Will God Is Evil interpretation is God pre-Restraining Bolt, and the God Is Good that would rather you use your free will are God is different periods of His lifetime-the former is beyond the universe and the latter is inside of it, allowing God to be omnipresent yet outside of His creation. The former is the Father, the latter the Son and the Holy Spirit is the inter-medium between the two. The serpent is either an ally to this gambit or managed to help out God instead of screwing things up. Revelations hasn't gone through because God is putting it off.

A lot has been said about God having a plan and a purpose for humanity's lives. In other words, He's already chosen our career paths which all of it is in line with Him, but following our own dreams and aspirations will get Him pissed off. Why do you think He summoned a giant whale to swallow up Jonah?

God is the embodiment of Wild Mass Guessing.
Out of any character, whether it be fictional, real or ambiguous, none have been given more theories about what it really is than God Himself. The Father is Wild Mass Guessing, Jesus is the Epileptic Tree and the Holy Spirit is Grand Unified Guessing.

God and Satan are Vitriolic Best Buds.
A very extreme example of this. They may be complete polar opposites (God being good and Satan being evil), and they may not consider each other as "friends" (which is understandable since Satan became prideful and God had to kick him out of heaven), but underneath all of their hatred, they seem to have some form of grudging respect for another. They both were chatting like old friends and even had a friendly bet with each other in screwing Job's life (in which God wins). Also, God sometimes acknowledges Satan as a necessary evil, especially if it involves punishing humanity whenever they fall out of line, and even condones the evil he has brought upon the earth (well, that's no surprise since God is beyond moral understanding). Regarding that, it's highly possible that, even though God will send Satan to the Lake of Fire for eternity, the two might form a temporary alliance in battling humanity. God and Satan Are Both Jerks indeed.

God is Love Hungry.
That's pretty much an understatement.

God really can't bring Himself to send everyone to Hell.
Yes, It's clear that The Bible will tell you that those who don't repent of their sins will be sent to Hell and there's no escape. And yes, God is horrifically wrathful and vengeful whenever someone commits a sin, but because God Is Good, He tries to resist that urge to punish us forever. And even if He did send the sinners to Hell, it will hurt Him a whole lot more than it will hurt them. It would be surprising (and most especially relieving) if He were to break His own moral code just to refuse to send us to Hell and instead take us to heaven if anyone believes in Universal Reconciliation.

God allows evil because He's writing a story.
One of the rules of thumb for literature is that all good stories must have conflict. Without evil, there would be no conflict. God is the Author of the universe. Therefore, God lets evil exist to make the universe interesting.
  • In addition, this is because God loves conflict, and loves making His creation suffer. Without evil in His story, He would be bored immensely. Plus, He needed suffering for His creation to cater to His ego, which is in the story, the universe centers around Him. God Is Evil indeed.
  • And who is He writing it to?
    • Himself and His Angels.

YHWH/God is not a literal individual being, but rather the Anthropomorphic Personification of the government of the Angels.
In other words, a Nation-tan of Heaven. After all, it is very common for historical empires such as the Roman Empire to claim God-sounding titles such as Omnipotent, Omniscient, Omnipresent, Owns Everything, etc. Nations also carry a potential immortality. Nation-States are also often anthropomorphized and treated by the judicial system as "legal persons", hence why criminal trials are named with "Name of State vs. Criminal". Governors, Emperors, Kings and so on also like to view themselves as the representatives of the State. For an example, Queen Victoria used the Royal "We" to represent herself as the entirety of The British Empire. This is also possible for the Angelic Hierarchy; they can view themselves in plural as "God", and the laws decreed by the Council of Angels are branded by the metaphor of being "God's Omnipotent Will". But practically speaking, "God" and the Nation-States never existed in the first place, needing messengers (Angels and law enforcenment) to enforce the will of the State.

God has an Awesome Ego.
He may brag a lot about being the creator of everything, having unsurpassed knowledge of the beginning and the end, capable of doing everything in His power, simultaneously being all places at once, being the ultimate moral superior to everyone, and that's just to name a few, but many of us have to accept this unchangeable fact and we can never prove it otherwise. This is the main reason why many people have given their lives to Him because He's just awesome. He would even go as far as to get people to sing about his greatness.

God knew that sacrificing Jesus wasn't a completely successful plan to save everyone from their sins.
That's why He warned those who aren't saved that in Revelations, He will return as wrathful and vengeful as ever, torturing them in Hell for eternity if they don't turn away from sin.

God allowed sin to enter the world because He doesn't want anyone to be righteous like Him.
Because God wants everyone to praise Him because He is only righteous, He doesn't like the idea of his creation to become His equal, which is why He allowed the serpent to deceive Adam and Eve in order to make sure they don't become as moral as He is. Not to mention He allows humanity to have flaws (even life-threatening ones), shortcomings, and even commit horrific crimes just right before allowing them to receive their punishments. Now sure, He does expect humanity to be more like Him, it's just not to the point of surpassing or match with Him.

God and humanity are Not So Different.
Well, God did create humanity in His image, right? And since humanity throughout many ages has proven to be flawed at best and assholes at worst, then that also applies to Him. If humans are naturally narcissistic, then so is God who brags about His omnipotence. If humans are prone to lose their temper and lash out violently at others, then so is God who had killed people for angering him the slightest. If humans are needy of love and attention, so does God who wants them to worship Him. However, God may refuse to admit that He's flawed like the rest of humanity. Then again, humanity has a habit being stubborn to admit their shortcomings. And let's not forget about the time God being unable to move the chariots of iron.

God hates magicians because He feels threatened by their power.
For whatever reason, Christianity is one of the only religions with a history of claiming that Magic Is Evil, unless it's from God. There's been a number of theories of Yahweh appearing more powerful than He actually is, and that He only SEEMS omnipotent-this theory is an extension of this. Yahweh actually gets his power from magic like a fuel source, and in order to hold His reign of "Humanity's Number 1 God", He feels the need to eliminate any possible rival wizard. Christianity saying that Magic Is Evil serves as propaganda to prevent wizards, witches and other magical creatures gaining the power to threaten His reign. Naturally, Lucifer has a hand in making magic less evil, either because he thinks humanity should have magic or to make it easier to overthrow Yahweh. Not that this isn't suggesting God Is Evil, and more "God's being cautious"-if Yahweh is omnipotent and hating on magic because Lucifer have it, then He is kind of a jerk for being so petty about His battle with the Morningstar.

God is secretly responsible for dividing Christianity into over 40,000 denominations.
Either because He's setting up His plans for the coming apocalypse or that He loves causing conflict within His followers. Or both.

God is responsible for the many contradictions of The Bible.
He sure gets a bad habit of confusing people through different authors, especially in the four Gospels.

God happens to be our friend.
Not only God is our heavenly father, but He also happens to be our friend, or at least He's trying to be. However, this is what He and His fellow Christian followers want you to believe despite His threats of eternal damnation and torturing humanity by handing out His extremely difficult laws and standards. If we accepted God as our BFF, then the friendship itself will turn out to be nothing more than slavery. With that said, who needs a bunch of people trying to rip off your limbs when you can rely on a great friend like God?

God has a Never My Fault mentality.
Another way of showing how narcissistic and cruel God can be is when He places the blame on other's shortcomings. Not only did He create humanity, but He also gave them freewill. And whenever God allows bad things to happen to humanity, the reason He did this is because every human are nothing but worthless sinners all thanks to Adam and Eve being deceived by the serpent to eat from the tree of knowledge which God had already orchestrated in the first place. An all-knowing and all-powerful deity like Him would have the nerve to command them to pray to Him in order for their problems to disappear, yet when He doesn't answer our prayers, He will tell us that it's our own damned fault for not praying hard enough.

God is the ultimate Base-Breaking Character.
One side says that everything He does is absolutely good and righteous whether it be miraculously healing a sick child or killing more people than Adolf Hitler for the most petty crimes, while the other side says that He's a cruel, abusive, hypocritical, tyrannical, ego-maniacal, sadistic narcissist. Then again, this is pretty much an understatement.

God never intended to be considered the paragon of morality we think He is.
In reality, He has the many faults of human beings, much like rival religions. After all, He started out as a War God. The reason God became considered good is because He had a Morality Pet-the Jewish people. Because the people He was dictating the Bible to are His own, this led to Him getting the Draco in Leather Pants treatment. Possibly even the Almighty God treatment. Yahweh allowed this because it would get Him a lot more followers, and because He likes to be told how good He is. By the time of the New Testament and beyond, two possibilities come up: He's lived up to this reputation and the more iffy Bible quotes are humans being misinformed OR it's given Him such an ego trip that Yahweh is completely obsessed with worship, and convinced He can do no wrong.

God secretly hates us.
Many Christians claim that God is a God of love, mercy, compassion, etc., but what all of us don't realize is that He secretly hates us, or at least He doesn't really like us that much. And just to make sure that God doesn't want us to know that since He cares too much about His reputation, He will rationalize our torture and pain as a sign of His Tough Love. Technically, we can all see that this "tough love" is a sign of subliminal hatred.

God suffers from Greed.
It's no wonder why He demands humanity to pay Him their tithes and offering and would horrifically punish them if they don't.

Well, He is in charge of everything in the universe and He hates it when His creation question His power and authority regardless whether or not they do have a point. This may also explains His antipathy for complainers. Just ask the Israelites whom most of them were killed for calling out God of what He's done to them.
  • Confirmed by Hell.
    • Though Word of Hell is notoriously unreliable.

God loves a good barbecue.
God argued for animal sacrifice on a pyre all across the Tanakh. He preferred Abel's meat sacrifice to the lentils Cain made. Hell, in Leviticus it's mentioned that He finds the aroma of burning fat pleasing. My guess is that God wants animal sacrifice on a pyre because He really loves a good BBQ. You don't see any more animal sacrifices because God found something tastier-roasting sinner in Fire and Brimstone Hell.

God knew that there was a flaw in humanity, but He doesn't bother to fix it instantly.
God created the heavens and the earth and everything was good, except for humanity. Adam and Eve disobeyed God's command of avoiding to eat from the Tree of Knowledge thanks to the serpent. Does He see what's going on and tries to fix something that's gone terribly wrong with them by instantly eliminating their will to choose evil? No. He instead angrily tells them that they screwed up and He makes life itself a living, breathing hell because of their disobedience. As time passes on, humans grew more wicked, and God's comes up with solutions through brutally killing or torturing them, and, later in the New Testament, sacrificing His son Jesus for their sins. To no avail, this still didn't fix humanity's flaw. The reasons for conspiring these solutions to actually eliminate The Evils of Free Will is either because since humanity is created in His image, He Himself has a share of flaws or that He is just looking for an excuse to be a Jerkass. For the latter reason, He had the nerve to entrust humanity to fix the problem for Him through ideologies that He established.

At least some evil things that are said to be done by God in Old Testament are actually done by Satan.
Really, it's quite jarring to read some of passages in OT. Besides the conclusion that God Is Evil, we can guess that there could be two voices talked to many people: God's and Devil's. The God (if we think that all that attributed is one entity) in NT is VERY different to OT.Jesus clearly defines Satan as main evil. And as Bible was written by people, who can say, that it can't be right?

God is an author writing about what he believes is a fictional world.
Satan could be his editor or a guy he didn't like. Hence his bad reputation.

His angels could be his fanbase who adores reading about us and think he can do no wrong. Eventually he believes the same and refuse to believe he has any flaws.The people he favors could be friends of his he inserted.Jesus could be like an Author Avatar for a self insert.

God didn't want to tell Job that He accepted Satan's bet.
Because Job's devotion to Him was so important, the reason God didn't want to tell him that he accepted Satan's bet was because He knows that if He did, then that would have caused Job to permanently turn his back against God and thus Satan would win the bet. His lecture to Job about how he's has no right to question His divine authority was a way to avoid telling Him about what He really did.

YHWH/God is a son of Zeus who overthrew the Greek pantheon and claimed all the power for himself
YHWH somehow resurrected Kronus, and had him devour the entire Greek pantheon before banishing Kronus to the depths of the Earth. Kronus's stomach became what we now know as Hell. Then, YHWH erased all previous history and started over, with a simple garden and two humans. One of YHWH's creations, Lucifer, didn't like YHWH's Awesome Ego, and decided to free what was left of humanity from His dominance. So, inspired by Prometheus, Lucifer stole the gift of knowledge from YHWH to give to man. Angered, YHWH banished Lucifer to Hell, and renamed him Satan. Ever since, Satan has been trying to awaken Kronus, free the Greek pantheon, and finally bring an end to YHWH's reign of terror.

God created Himself in a Space-Time Event
To explain how God could exist before everything: He emerged into existence when what would become Him was struck by cosmic waves traveling at the Speed of Light, or faster. What would become Him (aka Proto-God) grew and eventually became God. Wanting to create everything, He creation an explosion of cosmic waves - what we know as the Big Bang - that reverberated throughout the Universe at the Speed of Light, or faster. But when you go faster than light, you essentially go backwards in time, due to how Einstein's Theory of Relativity works. The cosmic waves reverberated through the universe at such a speed that they went back in time and struck what would eventually become God, thus triggering His own growth into Himself so that He could create Himself. God created Himself through a Space-Time Paradox using the Big Bang and relativity! That's how He could supposedly exist before everything else!

God created other humans out of random.
What I can guess to explain how there are so many people existing in the world after Adam and Eve gave birth to Cain and Abel is that God decided to produce more and more humans the same way He created Adam and Eve (creating man out of dust while creating woman out of each man's rib). Later on, this explains how there were so many people of other nations besides Israel. God simply did this because He got bored and wanted to entertain Himself in creating conflict as well as enjoying killing hundreds to thousands of people.

God's face is a human face.
Sure, no one can comprehend what God looks like in all of His glory, but just for the sake of this entry, He might look like a perfectly-designed human which explains why He created us in His image. The reason He doesn't want to reveal Himself to his creation because in His case humanity cannot handle how superior He would look if they saw Him. For another reason, an all-perfect deity like Himself feels that humanity isn't worthy to see His all-perfect face.

God created humanity because angels worshiping Him isn't enough for Him.
Sure, God is satisfied whenever He's worshiped by people beneath His level, but eventually He got bored of His angels worshiping Him and decides He needs even-lesser beings to worship Him, which leads to the creation of humans. The aftermath of Satan's rebellion may also play a part in this reason since He's never pleased with anyone thinking highly of themselves.

God is a Yandere.
How could He not? His message to us generally consists of "Love Me, worship Me, obey Me, dedicate your entire life to Me or I will send you to Hell!"

While it's been said He doesn't take pleasure in punishing evil (at least in His mind), deep down inside, He would enjoy sending Satan, the demons, and the majority of the unsaved to burn and suffer in Hell.

God is a Moral Sociopath.
Because He's the creator of all things, He dictates to us what's right and wrong in His eyes and shows absolute no concern for how we feel about His laws and standards and how we're negatively affected by them in any manner. This also means He believes that casting the majority of the human race to be endlessly tortured and tormented in hell for all eternity just for their lack of belief or committing small sins is righteous and just and doesn't care if they are in extreme agony. Simply put, all He cares about is to satisfy His moral sensibilities (and His need for love and worship) more than what we feel.

God is a Glory Seeker.
It shouldn't be that hard to realize this. If you're an omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent deity who can do everything, then you would want to receive (or demand) the adoration and worship of everyone for your awesome feats.

God wants His followers to pray to Him because it satisfies His ego.
This explains why He allows evil to enter into the world so that everyone of His followers can daily pray to Him. Without evil in the world, He will not receive any prayers, which will surely set Him off. Whether He will answer their prayers or not, as long as He's pleased with people praying to Him, nothing else matters.

Adam and Eve also represent Homo erectus.
This would be the reason why there are no to little religious or symbolic artifacts associated with Homo erectus, even among younger fossils. We know they had capability to speak, make complex tools, probably used clothes, looked more or less similar to a modern human-the eyebrows would throw one off though-and migrated all over the world. They appeared around 2 million years ago, while Homo sapiens/neanderthalensis appeared merely several hundred thousand years ago, and they were already much more complex than their ancestors from the start. Homo erectus was "innocent" until the "tree of knowledge" and after that they began making religious artifacts and soon became Homo neanderthalensis/sapiens.

God was really lonely.
General belief is that God is a timeless being who existed before, and exists outside of time. As literally the only being for eternity with no other companion, He must've been pretty lonely. It's also why He is so insistent on people loving Him and getting people to Heaven-He's desperate for companionship after an eternity of being utterly alone.
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