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Serial thread story thing (my writing):


Works page is here.

     Entire Userpage 

Not my forum avatar.

You've traveled long and far, but at long last, you make it to the end of the
maze, Merlin's legendary Stalagmite Gardens. The eponymous stalagmites are marbled
with diamond and ruby, and a river of melted chocolate runs through the center of the
vast cavern. A path made of millions of coins from currencies around the world winds
from where you stand. You gleefully skip onto the path only to immediately come
face to face with a hundred—I mean two hundred hungry grues wielding magic

>wtf. but my lamp is on!

The grues are wearing sunglasses and are thus unaffected by the light of your lantern.
Big, intimidating aviator shades.


You are carrying: 2 squirt guns, 1 dead Antharian dwarf hamster, 1 peanut butter and
jelly sandwich and 1 elven sword toothpick.

>throw sandwich at grues

The grues, delighted that you would offer them lunch, devour the sandwich.

>*** this

My, my, what rude language.

The grues impatiently lick their lips.

>implementor mode

Implementor Mode is a password protected feature of ''Zork: Journey to the Center of
the Trash Heap''.
Enter password now.


Incorrect password.


Incorrect password.


A hollow voice says "incorrect password."


Incorrect password.


***ing son of a *** ***, you guessed it.

***Implementor Mode***

>load squirt guns with chocolate

Before the grues can blink, you do a midair backflip over the horde and toward the
river. When they turn around, they face a nonchalant adventurer facing them with
chocolate super soakers akimbo, thinking they are in for nothing but another snack.
Boy are they mistaken.

>kill grues with squirt guns

You handily dispatch all two hundred grues in a slow motion action sequence set to
techno music, dispensing the chocolate with such velocity that the force of the liquid
makes Swiss cheese of the grues before many can even turn on their chainsaws.
Chocolate covered Swiss cheese. Mm, that actually sounds kind of good.

>lick guns

Even the most face-palmingly unsubtle innuendo cannot spoil the taste of 60% cocoa.

>punch through cave ceiling

With the ease of a hole puncher perforating a pat of butter, you punch a hole in the
miles of bedrock above you, letting the light of the sun into the Stalagmite Gardens
for the first time in thousands of years.

>fly up

You leap into the air and do not come down, but soar through the hole in the ceiling
and toward the stratosphere, fist pointing toward the sun. Treasure hunts in mazes
are the fare of mortals.

>get cape

With a snap of your fingers, a billowing scarlet cape materializes and fastens
itself over your shoulders.

>fight crime

As your alter-ego the Dim Lantern, you become the empire's next great hero. You
rescue hapless adventurers like your former self from evil wizards and lurking grues,
guide lost souls through the underground's meanest mazes, and install wireless
internet in the Mines of Mendon. No adversary is too great for your whirling toothpicks.

>fight parser

With the ease of Superman punching through a square of toilet paper, you fly straight
through the fourth wall, dusting me with a cloud of smashed drywall as I look up from
my C64 to see what is going on. Shining with your godly majesty, you step out of the
rubble and—hey, wait a minute. You can't do that! Don't hurt me, I just follow the

>brandish squirt gun

Oh, no! Not that! I only like white chocolate! Please—you know what will happen when
you do this, right? You know this is the one fight even you cannot win?


First of all, I'm going to assume that you already understand that adaptations are never better than the originals, but to the point:

It's not cute, it's not sympathetic, it doesn't make you any more of a catboy, so cut it out. I hate it when people abuse their senses of humor this way, thinking their jokes are harmless and affectionate when they're really dehumanizing those nearest and dearest to them when they do shit like this. When you talk that way about your friends, you may not know it, but it sounds to me like you're saying they ought to put on your jammies. Dorm etiquette, man. Learn it, and someday, you might be able to support your own health care.

Besides, the crude style of comedy in question went out of style in the 30s. Yep, even in the Great Depression, when resources were tight, a whole form of entertainment was spent—because it just wasn't funny. I'm anticipating objections from the "FDR and the Atheists did Fetishes" crowd, and I challenge them to:

  • One: explain to me why they think such a conspiracy, if there was one, was such a bad thing.
  • Two: man up.

As well, it's blatantly camp homophobic. The use of only heterophones in the the centrally important iambic pentameter section to the exclusion of even the homophones that would be more concise and versatile additions to the song betrays a structure built to make a statement against people attracted to the same sex. And it's not even funny. I've been more amused by arguments about abortion, so I am for both women and men having the legal right to abort this fallacy. Death of the Author with a vengeance.

And worst of all, it's just lazy writing. Put some thought and time into your work and give us some sound quality that doesn't smell like pot. People with asthma will thank you. Transcend the Fan Dumb.

Oh, and inb4 "What are you talking about?" and "What is 'it'?" I know what I'm talking about, and if you don't, maybe you should take a look at yourself. Maybe you should stop it, because it's not funny anymore.

Statement that I put far too much freakin' time into that thing to just let it get purged. Non sequitur. Insistence that you mess up this page as much as you like. Note that adding tropes is, however, always the best.

What is the name of this troll again?

>enter name
>The Baron

Meow! Hiss—meow meow meow...

>try again

Now, now; there is no need to shout.

You live among the ghost hives of the most barren and colorless gravel plain on the subterranean
continents, and you remain because you think said TURN-OF-THE-SOLAR-CENTURY RUINS are the
Continental Giant Nerve-Hornet's knees. Your company is your WRITING, a serial tale composed
entirely of FLUSHED AND CALIGINOUS PLOT TUMORS. Your narrative style takes a turn for the
MACABRE when you have forgotten to sleep.

Along similar lines, you have an affinity for the TECHNOLOGICAL and the HISTOLOGICAL, especially
when AMALGAMATED TO EVOKE FRIGHT OR SHOCK. Just not for real. Honestly, you find troll society
to be TOO GRUESOME for your sensibilities and are disinclined to harm your fellow troll or to seek
danger. Rather, you just stick to doodling UNWILLINGLY OSSIFIED STARSHIPS and writing about

Your trolltag is ever-changing, and though your CRAFT has forced you to become practiced at
GRAMMAR and SPELLING, you have been caught extending the sss's in your wordsss in 4llegi4nce to
the sssolar sssign of the ssserpent 4nd, 4fter dissscovering hum4n musssic, ssshowing thossse
pale sss4ps your 4ppreciation with 4 choice numer4l. Doubt that you take the language you survive
on very seriously is reasonable. INGRATE.

What will you do?

>view rest of userpage

Tropes that are probably applicable:

You don't have a page! D: {Now I do.}

~~Spain Sun


-He does now! SPESS has now been TRAVELED IN. -BlackWolfe

-And away we go. - Kraken.


LOVE, PEACE, SPAM!!! -Midnight Velvet

But what about TIMETRAVEL? - Imipolex G

  • I think that may be my department. - TParadox

  • Glad to see you now have a page so my non-vandalism may be scrawled across it. —Morven

₰₰₰₰₰←↔░▒▓█▲∆⌂∆▲█▓▒░↔→₰₰₰₰₰ - ∞

Best name on TV Tropes! - Buscemi

Ya hya chouhada! - Icarael

  • Read through your page. Very nice - I like your sense of humor, and we share Jade-Colored Glasses. I'm enjoying trying to transcend the Fan Dumb for my chosen fandom. I've had a few people on other websites ask me if it's actually canon. Love your thread, by the way (speaking of which, I should comment in it). Looking forward to more posts on the fora from you. - Punkreader

Example of: