Has an Evil Overlord moved in next door? Has he been keeping you up at night with his raping and pillaging? It is he impervious to normal means of slaying? Well, worry no more, as Trope Co.® has come to provide. Introducing the new Trope Co.® Ancient Artifact!
Artificially aged and made with the anonymity of the manufacturing address, our Ancient Artifacts were made with your Fantasy Character Class and development as The Chosen One in mind. Are you a warrior? We have a sword and shield. A royal knight? A slightly shinier sword and a squire to use as a shield. A rogue? A knife and cloak of invisibility. A scholar? A sextant (stop laughing) that can reveal hidden secrets. A dwarf? An axe or hammer. A wizard? A Magic Staff. A dwarf-wizard? A Magic Wand. A demon-slayer? The BFG.
For only a third of the cost, we at Trope Co.® will throw in a state of the art Trope Co.®-brand Dungeon Crawling experience in retrieving your brand new Trope Co.® Ancient Artifact. Grind your stats, collect treasure, slay beasts and prove to yourself, your friends, your family and your antagonist that you are worthy of wielding the Trope Co.® Ancient Artifact, followed by a fulfilling up-close demonstration of your Trope Co.® Ancient Artifact on the way out!
But wait, are you the Evil Overlord? No fear, loyal customer, as for a limited time only, Trope Co.® will also be selling our brand-new Chaotic Evil Edition Artifact of Doom for a mere half of the price, because evil has to have that unfair advantage. We have Cursed Rings forged in volcanos, Necronomicons inked in blood and bound in human-flesh, sentient cars built from history's evil automobiles, War God Helmets that give you super-strength, all of which come with a free Evil Costume Switch for those thinking of joining the Dark Side.
Instructions not included. Some assembly required.