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  • A blonde having a medical examination didn't want to take her headphones off. She kept telling the doctor, "If I take them off, I'll die." Her doctor assured her she wouldn't, so she took them off. After a few minutes, she fell over dead. The doctor put the headphones to his ear to listen. It was a recorded instruction, saying, "Breathe in.... breathe out. Breathe in.... breathe out."
  • A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are chased by a Serial Killer. They find a barn and hide in potato sacks. The killer comes and shakes the first bag. The brunette goes "Meow! Meow!" "Just a dumb cat" says the killer while shaking the second bag. The redhead goes "Woof! Woof!" "Just a dumb dog" he says, and then shakes the third bag. And the Dumb Blonde goes "Potato! Potato!"
  • Two men were walking through the woods when they found tracks. One said they were deer tracks, the other said they were elk tracks. They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.
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    • Another variant of this is three drunken men stumbling around on railroad tracks: the first one complains "these railings are way too low", the second one adds "and these steps are way too far apart" and the third one finishes with "it's OK, judging from the noise, the elevator will be here shortly".
  • Lenny, a deeply religious man, lives by a river. He prays every day, reads the Bible from cover to cover, and does nothing but good works. One day, there's a massive storm. and Lenny hears a news report on the radio that due to the rains a nearby dam up-river is going to burst and flood the town. So Lenny thinks "It'll be okay, the Bible says that God loves me and will watch over me."

    Sure enough, the dam bursts, the river breaks its banks, and Lenny's house begins to flood. When he goes up to the next floor, he sees a friend in a rowboat. "Lenny," the friend calls out, "the whole house will be underwater soon. Get in my boat, I'll take us to higher land." "No need," Lenny calls back, "God loves me and will watch over me."

    The rains keep coming and the waters keep getting higher, however, eventually forcing Lenny to get onto his roof. A rescue helicopter flies overhead. "You down there," the pilot shouts through the loudspeaker, "the entire town's gonna be completely under water soon. Grab the rope ladder and I'll fly you out." "No need," Lenny yells back, "God loves me and will watch over me."

    But the rains keep coming, the waters get higher, and Lenny has nowhere else to go. He drowns. When he gets to the Pearly Gates, Lenny is absolutely pissed, and demands an audience with God. When God shows up, Lenny yells "God, I prayed to you every day. I lived a good life and did nothing but good works, and in the Bible it said you would watch over me if I did. How could you just let me drown like that?"

    And God replies "Lenny, I sent you a radio report, a boat, and a helicopter. What the hell else do you want from me?"
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