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Too Dumb To Live / Comedy

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  • Christopher Titus' first comedy special, "Norman Rockwell is Bleeding" has a lot of examples of Too Dumb to Live:
    • Titus in his teens trying to fight his chain-smoking, functional alcoholic father who used to be in the military, dealt with a manic-depressive wife, and doesn't take crap from "wussies" (even if said wussy is his own son). Titus ended up in the hospital.
      Titus: Yeah, 'cause fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting Dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi! You've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!" ...Oh, by the way, great way to fight, arms down, face presented.
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    • Titus' mom's (Juanita) second marriage to a woman-beating jerk is Too Dumb to Live for the husband. Juanita was a violent, manic-depressive schizophrenic who didn't take her medication and drank alcohol to medicate herself (which only made her manic-depressive mood swings and violent outbursts worse). And yet, her second husband still beat her and insulted her, which led to the guy getting shot to death on Thanksgiving and Juanita getting acquitted of his murder and winning his life insurance policy and the acres of land behind his house, which he often used as a shooting range. For bonus points, he's the one that taught her how to shoot.
    • Titus staying with his abusive first girlfriend (the Jewish girl who kept punching him in the face whenever she got angry, which for her, was a regular occurrence) after she tried to attack him on Christmas Eve, all because she answered the door wearing nothing but Titus' dad's stolen camera and the high heels Titus threw out the house. In Titus' words, "I'm behind the fan now, but the booty is good." The adaptation of this story for Titus' short-lived sitcom plays this for drama, showing that Titus only loved and forgave Noelle's abusive behavior because he did the same thing with his mother.
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  • Gabriel Iglesias tells a story similar to that of Ralphie May down below, wherein he did much the same thing to get out of an awkward moment with a Cuban waiter. He implied only a moment earlier that he KNEW this would be a bad idea, but when you're faced with someone as intimidating as the waiter he had that night... Fluffy's only conclusion: "[That coffee] is the only way in the world Cubans can make that swim!"
  • A 2009 quip from Church of the SubGenius minister Ivan Stang: "God forgot to make stupidity painful."
  • According to Jeremy Hotz:
    Jeremy: Some animals are really stupid. Like the crab. What a moron! It has two big scissors held out in front of itself, and then it walks sideways like an idiot! That's why we eat their legs, we keep pulling them off from the side!
  • Judy Gold talks about seeing the Anne Frank house, and how they had to be quiet all day, "which would have the end of my family, because there's no way my mother could keep quiet all afternoon!"
    Judy's Mom: Judith, I told you to wash that plate ten minutes ago!
    Judy: [hushed tone] Ma, shut up, or we're gonna get caught!
    Judy's Mom: That's right, we're gonna get caught, and we're all gonna die, just because you couldn't wash a goddamn dish! Ya proud of yourself?
  • Comedian Ralphie May has a bit about how he once drank 16 ounces of Cuban coffee not knowing it was the equivalent of 84 shots of espresso. Granted it didn't kill him, but the point still stands and the effects were apparently pretty unpleasant.
    • He also admits to overdoing acid once; which was enough for him to develop a protocol for doing acid such as Having a safey-safe and teaching that acid is not weight dependent. You weigh a little more doesn't mean you need a little more.
  • From Rodney Dangerfield:
    Rodney: I tried marijuana once. Just once. I didn't know what I was doing... I was on cocaine at the time!
  • Bill Cosby once did a routine about karate. After perfecting a move designed to take down someone who came up from behind, he would walk down nothing but dark streets with $10 bills hanging out of his pockets.
  • Ron White talks about a man who tied himself to a tree just to prove that he could withstand the wind from an approaching hurricane.
    "It isn't that the wind is blowin''s what the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a Volvo, it doesn't matter how many push-ups you did that morning. If you've got a yield sign in your spleen, jogging don't come into play. 'I can run 25 miles without stopping.' 'You're bleeding.' '...Shit...'"

Alternative Title(s): Stand Up Comedy


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