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SIR GALAHAD: I don't write the legends, I live 'em

PRINCESS JACQUELINE: As you know, my courtship with Prince Charming ended abruptly – something about a glass slipper. Whatever. I didn’t care to listen. Anyway, I’m offering my hand in marriage to any brave knight who wants to go on a quest – it’s not a bad deal really, you just go on an epic adventure and then you get to marry me, and then you and I will be king and queen someday. So, any takers?
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Knights of the Square Table is the debut work from playwright and screenwriter Peter Fenton originally titled Good Knight and Goodbye and premiered in 2010, when Fenton was just 14 years old. After nearly a decade of revision, the script became a fully-fledged play distributed through Heuer Publishing in 2019. As the title implies, this play is a medieval knight’s quest comedy in a similar style to Spamalot and Galavant.

The legendary (but painfully down-to-earth) Sir Galahad is sent by the king and queen on a quest to prove his worth to marry Princess Jacqueline. His quest is complicated when he catches the eye of Lady Heron, the castle’s messenger, and finds himself falling for her while a ruthless and selfish type lurks in the shadows, also on the quest for the Princess’s hand.

As the play goes on, Sir Galahad receives assistance from the kooky, promiscuous Merlin and a true friend, Sir Traber. Pandemonium steadily builds as Sir Galahad must confront his feelings, Merlin’s antics grow bizarre, Lady Heron grows frustrated with the King and Queen’s incompetence, and Princess Jacqueline acts strangely in the face of a wedding being planned for her.

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Heuer Publishing Page: [1]

Preview Script: [2]


Knights of the Square Table contains examples of:

  • A Date with Rosie Palms: Sir Traber suggests to Sir Galahad he should “tie one hand behind his back” and take another look at Princess Jacqueline
  • Acceptable Targets: Interior designers, wedding planners, royal families, date rapists.
  • The Ace: Sir Galahad is this, to the point where the legends speak of him across Europe
  • Acting for Two: In most productions, Chef Torte and Sir Hummel are played by the same actor
  • Action Girl: Lady Heron, traveling the corners of the kingdom and fighting with a dagger
  • Agony of the Feet: Merlin goes into gross detail explaining his Sweet Grandmother Edna’s toe fungus
  • Ambiguously Gay: Chef Torte, in most productions
  • An Aesop: Obeying authority is not a good idea when the people in charge don’t deserve to be trusted
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  • Arc Words: Honesty
  • As You Know: As seen in the title quote, Princess Jacqueline “as you know”s that her courtship with Prince Charming has ended. Something about a glass slipper. Whatever. She didn’t really care to listen.
  • Audience Surrogate: Sir Galahad and Lady Heron serve as the audience’s point of entry into this catastrophically weird kingdom
  • The Bad Guy Wins: Subverted. Sir Krause ends up winning the quest for Princess Jacqueline’s hand, but Sir Galahad realized he had no intention to win anyway. Also, Sir Krause is not really the Big Bad.
  • Badass Fingersnap: Merlin does some of his magic with a snap of his finger.
  • Badass Normal: Sir Galahad, sure, but special mention to Lady Heron here. She travels literally everywhere in the kingdom, even swimming a great distance to deliver messages to Sir Galahad.
  • Battle Couple: Sir Galahad and Lady Heron
  • Big Bad Friend: Merlin has tagged along with Sir Galahad on the quest and tries to sabotage him at every point, uses Galahad’s attraction to Lady Heron to thwart his progress and ultimately reveals the entire quest was pointless since he has been sleeping with the Princess who has been drugged under a love potion the whole time
  • Big Eater: Princess Jacqueline is eating something in almost every scene
  • Bittersweet Ending: Sir Galahad and Lady Heron leave Slekochovakia together, the Big Bad is defeated, and Sir Krause is dead, but Princess Jacqueline is as alone as she was before and has to live with knowing she was essentially date-raped by Merlin and his love potions. King Carlton is still going to die.
  • Black Comedy: The abrupt murder of Sir Krause is played for laughs.
  • Blatant Lies: Merlin tells Sir Galahad he got “lost overnight” and couldn’t find Galahad and Traber anywhere, and then switches his story and says he was eating. The stage directions even say Sir Galahad does not believe this lie.
  • Blue and Orange Morality: King Carlton’s approach to executive decisions - a wedding planner who quits? Send them to the dungeon. Is murder illegal? No clue.
  • Book-Ends: Lady Heron delivers a personal message confessing feelings for Sir Galahad in the very beginning, Sir Galahad delivers a personal message to Lady Heron reciprocating in the end
  • Bound and Gagged: The sirens do this each to Sir Galahad, Merlin, Sir Traber (twice), and Sir Krause
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: King Carlton says at one point that he and Queen Victoria were waiting in the wings for their cue.
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer: Merlin may be horny and goofy, but he is a dangerous, competent wizard. He can teleport and kill with a snap of his finger
  • Butt-Monkey: Sir Krause, a knight who sees himself as Sir Galahad’s arch-nemesis, but repeatedly, nobody takes him seriously
  • Catchphrase: “Let them eat cake” for Queen Victoria.
  • Chronic Hero Syndrome: Sir Galahad at the start of the play. He gets better.
  • Chaotic Stupid: King Carlton. Not a great look for a king.
  • Chekhov's Gag: Merlin’s seemingly throwaway line about not letting Sir Galahad use any of his love potions. After the reveal, it's obvious why he said that.
  • Cloud Cuckooland: The Kingdom of Slekochovakia.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: King Carlton, Queen Victoria, Princess Jacqueline, Leslie Godzillabride, Sir Krause, to name a few.
  • The Comically Serious: Leslie Godzillabride.
  • Crapsaccharine World: The Kingdom of Slekochovakia under reign of King Carlton.
  • Cultural Blending: Slekochovakia is a generic western European kingdom that’s sort of German, sort of British, and sort of French
  • Deconstructive Parody: Knights toes the line between this and affectionate parody: knight goes off on hero’s quest for the princess’s hand in marriage, but he’s never spoken to her. Who does he actually fall in love with? Someone he speaks to and builds a relationship with - the king’s messenger
  • Diabolus ex Machina: Out of nowhere in the final scene, right before Sir Krause is about to marry Princess Jacqueline, Merlin steps up and kills Krause with the snap of his finger
  • Dirty Old Man: Merlin
    MERLIN: ... I’m getting wiser by the years, and with that wisdom comes a certain draw that brings the young maidens down to see old Merlin. Their smoke signals keep me busy.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: King Carlton’s offstage executions of a wedding planner, an interior designer, etc.
  • Does This Remind You of Anything: The love potions Merlin talks about seem an awful lot like roofies
  • Everythings Better with Princesses: Everything's better with Princess Jacqueline, of course. The headstrong beauty of Slekochovakia.
  • Exact Words: Merlin clarifies toward the end of the play that he meant it when he told Sir Galahad he should trust nobody. And that certainly includes Merlin.
  • Foregone Conclusion: Somewhere between the second and fourth scenes of the play, Merlin and Jacqueline begin their affair and so, Princess Jacqueline was going to reject her groom no matter who won the quest.
  • Good is Not Soft: Sir Galahad quickly stands up to fight Sir Krause when he insults Lady Heron and will quickly fight Merlin when his true nature is revealed.
  • Harmless Villain: Sir Krause never poses any real threat to Sir Galahad.
  • The Hero's Journey: Parody aside, the Hero's Journey is played straight as an arrow.
  • Honor Before Reason: Defied by Sir Galahad in the central theme of this play as he realizes the crown of Slekochovakia is not worth honoring.
  • Ironic Echo: “Life. Is. Short. Trust nobody, step on everyone in your way, and throw them off a cliff even if they win. You got it?” is said twice by Merlin.
  • Jerkass Has a Point: Sir Galahad concedes that Merlin was right: Galahad never wanted to marry Princess Jacqueline or become King, he was only on the quest to appease Carlton and Victoria - authority figures he realized he didn’t want to please anymore.
  • Just for Pun: All the country names: Slekochovakia, Prance, Gortupal, Just OK Britain.
  • Karma Houdini: Double-subverted. It looks like Merlin is going to get away with date-raping the Princess, but Sir Traber stands up to him, prompting the chain of events that leads Merlin to be taken to the dungeon. After he is taken away, Sir Traber asks if anyone else knows that Merlin can teleport - implying Merlin will very easily escape.
  • Knight in Shining Armor: Sir Galahad, of course.
  • Knight Knave and Squire: Sir Galahad, Merlin, and Sir Traber, respectively
  • Lady of War: Lady Heron, gracefully carrying a dagger and delivering messages across the kingdom.
  • Large Ham: King Carlton one of these in spades.
    KING CARLTON: Now, to the important business at hand: my business. The kingdom of Slekochovakia has been an empire to be reckoned with since the reign of Sylvester the Third when the Slek Republic and the kingdom of Chovakia were unified into one virtuous empire, but we have grown so far past that mere accomplishment under my reign. I managed to acquire the vital seaport of Cape Emerald after a bidding war down at the moat of Farris – in Prance, of course. A little manly charm from such a wonderful king as myself sealed the deal. My bold act of heroism is cause for celebration... [To HANDSERVANT.] A bottle of my finest champagne, and a fresh cake.
  • The Last of These Is Not Like the Others: In order to prove his worth to marry Princess Jacqueline, Sir Galahad must receive the blessing of Friar Wesley, find evidence of topiary at Cape Emerald, and slay a dragon blindfolded.
  • Last-Name Basis: Practically everyone outside the royal family. Sir Galahad, Sir Krause, Sir Traber, Lady Heron, to the point where Galahad's first-name basis with Lady Heron is notable.
  • Love Potion: Used as something of an allegory for date rape
  • Manipulative Bastard: Merlin plays on Sir Galahad's attraction to Lady Heron like a fiddle.
  • Medieval European Fantasy: This play is a big, not-particularly-serious one of these.
  • Mind Rape: Merlin enters Sir Galahad’s subconscious twice in the show to manipulate what Sir Galahad is thinking.
  • Mr. Fanservice: In most productions, Sir Galahad is extremely attractive.
  • Noodle Incident: Played with. Princess Jacqueline describes the incident that led to her Prince leaving her with no further explanation than “something about a glass slipper”. It would be a noodle incident if she wasn’t describing the most famous fairy tale of all time
  • Obfuscating Insanity: Merlin. It becomes clear he's not the same type of mad that King Carlton is when he enters Sir Galahad's mind in the fifth scene.
  • Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Do we ever see Sir Galahad slay a dragon blindfolded? No. But we can assure you: it was pretty cool
  • Precision F-Strike: Sir Galahad begins one but Merlin cuts him off
    GALAHAD: You sick, twisted son -
    MERLIN: It was complicated until
  • Raised Catholic: Sir Galahad is a bit of a lapsed Catholic, as seen in his interactions with Friar Wesley. Sir Krause seems to be this, as well.
  • Red Herring: Sir Krause was not the threat to the throne or Slekochovakia. It was Merlin
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Lady Heron is Red to Sir Galahad’s Blue
  • The Reveal: The ending makes no sense until Merlin reveals he's been sleeping with Princess Jacqueline
  • Royally Screwed Up: Of the Cultural variety between King Carlton, Queen Victoria, and Princess Jacqueline
  • Running Gag: King Carlton’s inability to call knights the right name, Lady Heron’s grocery list, Princess Jacqueline’s unladylike snacking.
  • Sarcastic Confession Sir Galahad asks Merlin, “Do you want me to fail this quest?”, and Merlin says “Yes”
  • Squick: Merlin is 826 years old and frequently brags about sleeping with much younger women including the 19-year-old Princess Jacqueline
  • Stoic Woobie: Princess Jacqueline becomes one in light of the reveal.
  • Suspiciously Specific Sermon: Friar Wesley’s blessing to Sir Galahad is one of these.
    FRIAR WESLEY: ... The road may take turns you do not expect, but that is how this life moves. Make do with the twists and turns, and you’ll find yourself taking a far better road. Blessings to you, my son.
  • Sword Fight: Galahad vs. Krause in the Second Act
  • Take a Third Option: It seems Sir Galahad can either honor his word to the king or break it. He chooses neither and throws the quest to Sir Krause, intending to let him win and marry Princess Jacqueline so that Galahad can be with Lady Heron instead
  • Throw the Dog a Bone: Leslie Godzillabride is offered the position of Military Commander at the end of the show.
  • True Companions: Sir Galahad and Sir Traber.
  • Undying Loyalty: Friar Wesley makes note of his utter devotion to the crown of Slekochovakia, which is in contrast to Lady Heron and Chef Torte's unenthusiastic loyalty.
  • Visual Pun: Sir Galahad and Merlin believe they are at a dead end, but “look for a sign”, only to find a literal sign marked “DEAD END”
  • Walking Spoiler: It’s very hard to discuss Princess Jacqueline with any sort of depth without spoiling the reveal.
  • Wham Line: The response to Galahad's line, setting off the reveal.
    GALAHAD: Did you just kill Sir Krause?
    MERLIN: Yes. Yes, I did. Next question.
  • What the Hell Hero: Sir Galahad gives one of these to Merlin after he realizes he and Merlin could have teleported to the island instead of only teleporting out Of course, this is before the reveal that Merlin was the villain the whole time
  • Would Hit a Girl: Sir Krause has no problem being forceful with Princess Jacqueline moments before they are to be married.

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