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The Reason You Suck Speech / SF Debris

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  • In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, a bit of road rage compelled him to call out a fellow motorist and compare him to Khan Noonien Singh. Yes.
    "Earlier this month I was at a red light, ready to turn right, but stopped, causing the driver behind me to honk repeatedly. However, while it's legal to turn right on red, it's generally not advisable when the road is wet and there's a tractor-trailer approaching. Apparently, though, the man behind me felt that we were not just two drivers on the road, no; somehow we were joined on an unspoken suicide pact that I was thoughtlessly reneging on. When the truck passed, I went on my way, followed by the other driver who, ignoring the wet pavement, ran another red light and — unconcerned about little things like the presence of other vehicles on the road — sped up to pull alongside me and repeatedly honked his horn to get my attention for quite a long time, until finally I gave in and looked at him so he could flip me off and be on his way. And that was all. This cro-magnon felt that it wasn't enough to just flip me off; he was prepared to risk himself and others just to make sure I was aware he was doing it. He couldn't handle me not knowing it, whereas I am quite unbothered that he'll never know that I'm saying that he's a phallically-challenged maladjusted uncivilized moronic social cripple whose only possible contribution for society would be if someone created an engine that could run on loser. And while he will never know it, I'm fine with merely sharing that feeling with tens of thousands of people instead.
  • The above was topped by the following for Lutan in "Code of Honor".
    "Lutan, you understand honor like Neelix understands sex appeal. You've heard of it; you probably think you have it, but buddy, there's not a smidgen of it in your body. Your smile is as warm and inviting as an ice water enema, your so-called "charm" is so forced and transparent, so clearly septic, I wouldn't be surprised if your voice leaves an oil slick. And your attempts to project authority are nothing of the kind, but of a spoiled child who's been handed everything in life, expecting to constantly get, and annoyed when it's not given. You do not radiate authority; you ooze self-entitled smugness. A toxic barrage, scientifically proven to be the first, second and third cause of cancer in laboratory rats; which made the scientists cry, because they found the rats more personable than you. And your attempts to be sly? STOP! It's so sickening it gives flu bugs nausea. So, please Harry Potter, wrap yourself in that "magic cloak" of yours and disappear already! Don't come back out, until you get the secret sign. If you want to know what it is, it's the sight of the sun, swallowing the world."
  • A comparatively mild one for Lwaxana Troi, but still catty. (TNG: "Haven") Best of all, it's kicked off by Lwaxana insisting that humans should say what they think.
    Well, if you insist...

    I've been with you for mere minutes and I'm already praying for your horrible death in a transporter accident to give you your just end, which I believe will result in a net increase in happiness on a universal level. I am convinced that 4 out of 5 doctors had you listed as the recommended treatment for curing joy, and that's only because the fifth one hanged himself! If I was trapped in a room with only you, Neelix and Okona and had only two bullets, I would shoot MYSELF. When the Bible says 'Love all people', there's an asterisk and a footnote that says "except Lwaxana Troi." And speaking of Troy, if Helena had looked like you, it would've been the face that launched a thousand ships back home! In short, your philosophy that people should only say what they're thinking is undermined by the fact that you are completely loathsome, marinated in arrogance and heavily seasoned with self-absorption, so that the unfiltered slurry that gurgles from your gob unceasingly is a pollutant that I would like to see stopped, either voluntarily, or — by my preference — plugging the source with a grenade.

    Thanks for asking.
  • From his "The Child" review, an absolutely withering one for Pulaski.
    "Jesus, you're a complete cun— ...temptible person. Janeway was obviously a seven-year-long apology by this franchise for season two, where the entire female gender is represented by someone who didn't get a uniform and had a haircut created out of a hatred towards life itself. And you, Doctor... "Pulaski", Doctor Pulaski, Doctor Smug-ass Monkey-face Sack-o-Shit! I would try to beat some sense into you, but my parents taught me it was wrong to kick livestock! Your voice is like the sound of 200lb housefly trying to rape a cat! In fact, it's scientifically proven, that every time you open your fat gob a fairy slits its wrists! Your lack of basic humanity is so stunning, I bet polar bears flock to your panty drawer in the desperate hope of surviving global warming!! When Picard accidentally glimpsed you naked, he spent hours screaming there were FIVE LIGHTS!!"
  • "Paradise" turns into a long (and deserved) rant against Alixus.
  • He delivers one to Torres in "Learning Curve", when she somehow comes to the conclusion that because Dolby finds Starfleet training annoying and dehumanizing, he must be afraid of failing it. The explanation is a little longer than the actual "reason you suck" element, but it makes up for this shortness in sheer contempt.
    "And who the hell is Torres to make that kind of comment? Even ignoring a the fact that she punched a fellow officer and they gave her a frickin' promotion over it, she... oh, what was it? Oh yeah... GOT HER SORRY ASS TOSSED OUT OF THE ACADEMY! Look, you trilobyte-foreheaded twerp, you don't go around accusing people of being afraid that they can't succeed while marinating in the filth of your own shame. Now run along; we want the opinion of someone who doesn't need a tricorder to identify a turd."
  • He gives two-in-one in his review of "Hope and Fear" both to Janeway and to the post-TOS application of the Prime Directive after an alien named Arturus seeks revenge for Voyager's forming an alliance with the Borg, which ultimately led to the assimilation of his people.
    "When Arturus explains what happened because of that decision, her response is "I couldn't have known." I find it hilariously sad that we once again see those who apply the Prime Directive's letter so heartlessly with the mantra, "Who are we to play God? You don't know what the consequences will be!" will then brush off any point when they play God with "I couldn't have known about that!" It's especially egregious when that decision was predicated on what they could get out of it."
  • He was so put off by Janeway's callous intolerance of the Klingon religion in "Barge of the Dead" that he amended her speech (as it "wasn't judgmental enough"). Ahem:
    "Your backward superstitious malarkey is so absurd, I wish I could floss my brain to get the bits of stupid out. And the only reason I'm not even tryin' to change your mind on it is that anything approaching rational thought would bounce off that thick plate on your forehead—assuming that's Klingon ridges and not a massive brain tumor responsible for your long string of bad decisions. But wow. Even I never thought you'd be so damn stupid as to want to try this, but you proved me wrong! Looks like I owe Chakotay a Coke. He told me you'd never be safe aboard this ship so long as there was a sharp thing not covered in cork. If you wanna have a near-death experience, Torres, here's my suggestion: follow every ill-advised thought that pops into your little pea brain over the next half-hour, and I guarantee one of them will have you in Sick Bay or the morgue. ...Look, I have real shit to do around here, okay, so kindly hop onto your little Gondola of Tedious Bullshit and sail down to Engineering, Joan of Arc!"
  • His review of Spirit Folk is one big RYSS to the Voyager crew, Janeway in particular, for the stupid and irresponsible way they deal with a recurring Trek problem of malfunctioning holograms.
    Seven: They're not people. They're holograms.
    Janeway: And they weren't programmed to be violent. I don't believe they'd harm anyone.
    Chuck: They also weren't programmed to notice things outside their experiences. But they are, aren't they? There is a special kind of frustration, when someone presents as wisdom, the most obvious and shocking stupidity. I can't even satirize this, because my made-up Janeway would need a lobotomy to approach this level of moron!
    Torres: You can't be certain.
    Janeway: Well, I am certain, and I'd like to find a less drastic solution.
    Torres: With all due respect, Captain. Michael can be reprogrammed. Tom and Harry can't!
    Chuck: Please take a moment to appreciate that the smartest thing said so far this conversation, was by someone who once failed to identify manure with a tricorder. [...] The most [Janeway] is willing to do, is to have Torres standing by to shut it down — if necessary. But when someone is threatening to use guns on innocent people — meaning that the time between decision and death is two or three seconds — and you could resolve this without loss of life... Then it's necessary now! Any hostage situation that can be solved by scratching a blu-ray is a hostage situation that should already be over! [...] People have asked me why parody Janeway seems to have grown more extreme over the years. Well, LOOK WHAT I'M UP AGAINST! THIS IS AN ARMS RACE OF CRAZY! SHE'S THE USSR AND I'M... FUCKING BELGIUM!
  • In his review of "Endgame," the final episode of Star Trek: Voyager, he summarizes everything wrong with the show. Not in contempt or anger, but in what sounds like genuine sadness.
    "Voyager is the beige of space. For a series that had the chance to challenge everything, it was all the more willing to hide in safe, non-threatening conformity. A new area of space with the same old kinds of plots. Voyager rarely took chances and was all too willing to resort to action as a substitute for strong storytelling. Instead of exploring new possibilities, it settled for the lowest common denominator. It mistook empty platitudes for a moral center. It confused ham-fisted story manipulation in the face of dilemmas with the wisdom of overcoming them. There's a reason that last week's review was Phantasms. Because it showed the contribution that Brannon Braga made to The Next Generation. He was at his best when he went in directions Star Trek normally didn't. It helped keep TNG fresh. The reason Seven got so much attention (beyond the catsuit) is that she was the same, she added something brand new. Unfortunately, they overdid it and the catsuit, again, played to the lowest common denominator, but it shows why Voyager is what it is. A promise never fully kept. It would've been sadly appropriate if they indeed didn't allow Voyager to get home in the end, to not deliver on the assurance that they would, and to know that, even if it continued, would've been just the same old, same old, over and over. And that disappoints me. That is Voyager in the end: Disappointment. While you had your moments, I'll credit you that, you had some fine episodes and good drama, but all too often they were oases in a sea of mediocrity.

    You had everything. You had writers who knew this genre and source material, you had flagship status with the network, you had talented actors who knew their craft well and a support crew that strove to do their best even when making a silk purse out of a sow's ear. You had all you needed to be great, yet you very rarely reached for it. Chances were reserved for rating stunts for the most part, with the odd exception. I included The Thaw in that bit for a reason. You really took a chance on that one and it was such a unique and wonderful result. Half the reason I ended Voyager reviews with you was a joke, but the other half was a teensy bit of admiration. I wish...I wish you could have been as remarkable as I know you could have been."
  • Why he considers T'pol the most annoying character in Star Trek: Enterprise in his review of Broken Bow.
    Chuck: Now we come to the scene I frequently bring up when I mention T'pol, the dinner scene. She, Archer, and Tucker sit down and T'pol starts eating a breadstick with a knife and fork because they don't touch food with their hands. Okay, fine, cultural differences and all that. And she's a vegetarian. Okay, fine. Then she says to Tucker and Archer while they're eating steak:
    T'pol: You humans claim to be enlightened, yet you still consume the flesh of animals.
    Chuck: You know, the Vulcans were just hunky-dory with killing a Klingon without even asking him if he wanted to die because of cultural impressions. But they can't keep their mouths shut when it comes to what people eat, no. And how much of a diplomat is she if she has no idea how to talk to people without being insulting? Little tip: if you want to convince me your choice is the moral one, insulting me isn't terribly effective. At best, I'll tell you to shit off, and at worst, I'll sit on your chest until you swallow some steak, moonbeam. Since that comment achieved nothing, she follows it up by calling humans "impulsive carnivores." Hey, idiot, he just ate a breadstick. Is a breadstick made of meat?! No, dumbass. Humans are omnivores, always have been, and those who aren't are so by choice. Now, Vulcans are notorious sticklers, which means T'pol either has severe ADD or is deliberately trying to get a rise out of them. Either way, she comes off like less of a Vulcan and more like some pissy, new-age, flower-haired, wide-eyed college doofus with a dress made of hemp. How did they possibly think that this was gonna be the Breakout Character?
  • In his review of Dear Doctor, he gives one to Archer for willfully advocating genocide against the Valakians due to a complete misunderstanding of evolution.
    Archer: Someday my people are going to come up with some sort of a doctrine. Something that tells us what we can and can't do out here. Should and shouldn't do. But until somebody tells me they've drafted that directive, I'm going to have to remind myself every day that we didn't come out here to play god.
    Chuck: Yeah, someday your people are going to come up with some kinda guideline on how to explore space without screwing it up, huh Duchess? But until then, whatever thought crops up in your little pea brain, that's what you're gonna do, regardless of whatever anybody else says or common sense for that matter. Yet this time you're gonna ignore it, even though just a little while ago in Civilization you did the opposite. Oh, remember that? When Archer thought people suffering and dying was more important than allowing some alteration of their natural development? And the whole moral dilemma is a contradiction anyway. I mean, on the one hand, we're told that the genes of the Valakians have been developing this way. It's not being caused by external factors but because the genes are somehow programmed to work this way. And yet, on the other, even though the Menk are supposed to be ready for an evolutionary leap, it won't happen unless the Valakians are wiped out. So, on the one hand, we have Evolutionary Predestination, and on the other, we have evolution influenced by environment. The last time we saw someone bend so far over backwards to justify their evolutionary vision, it came marching under a red flag with a bent X on it.
  • Chuck gives another one to Archer in Detained for the latter’s racism, when in an internment camp for Suliban, he harasses a Suliban man and his daughter, assuming that the man is automatically part of the terroristic Suliban Cabal.
    Chuck: Archer notices one of the prisoners has a child with him. One thing about being Archer: He has a moral certitude that would surprise a college activist. So he can't help but stop and give the prisoner a piece of his mind over bringing a child into The Cabal. The guy objects to the assertion so Archer pushes on, continuing to accuse the guy of getting genetic augmentation for himself and his daughter. So the guy asserts they’re not genetically enhanced and they're not associated with The Cabal.
    Archer: If that's true, then what are you doing here?
    Chuck: Um, Archer, why don't you go back to your cell and have your black lieutenant explain systemic racism to you since you obviously missed that part of history because you were too busy drawing Hitler mustaches on all the Vulcan pictures? And by the way, nobody has ever accused me of being too politically correct but let me tell you this really feels uncomfortable. Imagine that Archer has fought ISIS before, he then finds himself in a camp filled with people of Middle Eastern descent. And his first thought upon seeing a man with a child is that that man is trying to raise that child to be a terrorist, confronts the man, the man politely insists that they’re not terrorists. But Archer replies, "Well, you're Muslim, aren't you? You're in a Jihad, aren't you? Plotting to destroy the West, aren't you?" And when the man still calmly insists, "No, we're not doing that." Archer says, "Well, if that's true, then why would you be here, huh?" Gaze upon Jonathan Archer: The Man Who Brought White Privilege to the Stars. Well, thanks to Archer's badgering, the guy can't get his kid back before curfew, so the guards show up and the guy's hauled off to isolation for the night. This is why Archer likely invented the Prime Directive, because it was Star Fleet's way of trying to stop his habitual buffoonery.
  • invoked It took over a decade, but Brannon Braga's poison pen finally overreached with "Bounty".
    "Annoying Character' goes to T'Pol, continuing B&B's theme of character assassination of their own creations. You'd think they were trying to burn the show down for the insurance money....It's an avatar for Enterprise at its most banal — although Braga might've mistakenly have heard 'anal' and thought it was a compliment. It's NOT. This episode combined hack storytelling at its most unimaginative with a hatred for women which could only be achieved if your family was murdered by angry tampons! Even in a series that thought the height of comedy was raping one of their own cast, this managed to surprise me. It's the first Trek episode I've seen where the credits should've included, 'Based on Something I Left In A Sock'!"''
  • In his review of Star Trek Into Darkness, he gives one to the writers, bringing up some of the things that he's been informed of about the guy and how that may have leaked into his writing. Chuck manages to both take it a step further and point out how that's scarcely the only thing wrong with the film.
    "You know, it's been brought to my attention that one of the writers is a 9/11 truther. I haven't commented on that and I'm not going to. Why? Because I don't care if you believe in something stupid. I care to see a movie that is more interested in plot, character, and suspense than in its lens flares. I can point and say "this is probably about the writer's mistaken beliefs about 9/11," but it's hard when most of the time I'm saying "this is probably about the writer's mistaken beliefs about character, plot, theme, logic, etc." It's like they've got two themes going on, to give one example. One is a conspiracy-filled, anti-government paranoia piece and other is about revenge, then it proceeds to fumble them all over the place until their themes become self-contradicting. I'll get more into it in the end, but I suppose it's unsurprising. I mean, let's face it. Transformers 2 didn't make $800 million because people were so impressed with the script.
    "Roberto Orci famously responded to people who pointed out problems like these with Into Darkness by publicly losing his shit. One small sample, quote, 'I think the article above is akin to a child acting out against his parents. Makes it tough for some to listen, but since I am a loving parent, I read these comments without anger or resentment no matter how misguided. Having said that, two biggest Star Treks in a row with best reviews is hardly a description of broken. And frankly, your tone and attidude make it hard for me to listen to what otherwise might be decent notions to pursue in the future. As I love to say, there's a reason I get to write the movies and you don't.'
    "I'm suddenly understanding why Kirk was written to be an arrogant prick who feels he doesn't need to earn anything and blames other people for his failings. Apparently, for Orci, this was an auto-biography. So yeah, I think if you're dealing with that, someone who calls those who don't love his film morons and publicly told someone they were a "shitty fan," we have to get fairly far down the list before "nutty conspiracy theorist" starts to become the most important character flaw in the making of the movie."
  • After several episode of Star Trek: Discovery's first season using of the spore drive and spore network as central plot devices, Chuck is finally fed up in "What's Past Is Prologue", when it is claimed that the Terran Empire's abuse of the network can cause all of the multiverse to collapse in on itself.
    I have humored your idiocy long enough. It's bad enough that you think you can jump between realities using mushrooms — your "veins and muscles of the Universe" is the most laughable, pseudo-scientific BS this side of a dowsing rod — but suggesting that this will destroy all life, everywhere, is beyond laughable. One thing that I have heard people say for decades, is that Star Trek is "true science-fiction", and not Star Wars, because Star Wars is "fantasy" on account of the Force; an energy field that binds all life together. Now we're apparently told that the dividing line between "fantasy" and "science-fiction" is saying: "Don't be ridiculous suggesting that an energy field could be responsible! The reasonable, scientific hypothesis is that that is actually mold! We're just one Tilex spill away from universal armageddon!"

    Now, science-fiction begins by asking "What if, something impossible was real? What would happen if?" Like: "What would happen if we all found out that the solution to the threat of climate change, was to put a Confederate war monument in every major city?" Not just one little plague either! It's gotta be a big marble monstrosity like Stonewall Jackson or whoever, just right in the middle of everything! The way to save the world is to build them! You could consider the implications of this. How would America and the world react if that was necessary to ensure that we didn't see the global system that supports 7 billion people collapse? There are certainly possibilities raised by it, sure. But it is hampered by the fact that, it is fucking nonsense! Only in a world of magic would this be remotely possible. Same thing with this spore drivel, it fails the Confederate Monument test; an idea so absurd in its basic premise that suggesting it is "true science" is laughable. Now, the test — as you see — is very simple: If you can replace it with anything, no matter how outrageous, and it makes an equal amount of sense, it is no longer even pretending to be science-fiction. Can you replace it with beans? Yes! Whale-song? Yes! 4chan? Yes! These makes no less sense than spores do.

    Lorca is presented as delusional, because he believes in destiny... In a world that insists that all life and the forces of life are connected to fungus. This is like saying that organised religion is backwards and hopeless, because you know that God is a guy named "Kim", who works at the Chinese laundry. "I will wash their robes and make them white." "I know you will, man! I know it!"
  • Chuck gives a massive one the writers of Stigma. First is for its nonsensical allegories and rewriting of its own lore for the sake of a Very Special Episode.
    Chuck: So they have to explain the stigma around this and that, if it is known, T'pol will be pulled off of Enterprise. In case you weren't aware yet that this is an allegory. That even if she is not a melder, the fact that she got the disease means that she did meld and thus joined in their unconscionable behavior. The disease isn't the issue, it's those who engage in this behavior that are the problem. In other words, melders are homosexuals and the disease is HIV or AIDS depending upon how you wanna look at it. HIV is the virus which can cause AIDS, the syndrome, obviously. Anyway, for anyone who was too busy eating doritos to catch that during the episode, at the end they even put in a hot line number about HIV, just so you know where they stand.
    Anyway, this is already a dubious analogy because, again, in every other iteration of Star Trek, melding is common. But they completely top this by then retconning the episode Fusion. We covered that back in March, remember? In Fusion, mind-melding is present as an ancient, forgotten technique which they have rediscovered. T'pol knows nothing about it and agrees to go along with it. Now eventually, during the process, she doesn't like where this is going and tries to get him to stop, and he refuses. This is then what leads back to that meeting with the doctors, and this is a logical contradiction that is impressive even by Enterprise standards. T'pol was expected by those Vulcan doctors to know the answer. In fact, the very idea that she might not know made them suspicious. This whole witch hunt started because they thought "there's no way that she couldn't possibly have been able answer his questions for him." Yet the means that this disease is caused by, the only means, is something that she had not heard of until it actually happened to her. Think about that reasoning: the effect and the cause are both known. Knowing the effect is expected, but the cause is so obscure that she had never heard of it before. This is like thinking you can know what a fracture is, but have no idea what bones are.
    Okay, they wipe that away. But this raises a question that occurs even to Johnathan Archer, which means it's pretty low-hanging fruit. If you know this could be the result of a mind meld, why would you mind meld then? So instead of being a willing participant who then changed her mind when it grew uncomfortable, it's now been changed so that this entire thing was forced upon her. And that is different. She's still violated, don't get me wrong, but there is nevertheless a distinction between not starting something and starting and soon realizing it's a mistake, at least when you get into the details like they are here. Answering "why would you do this" with "it was not by choice" is completely false. Starting, at least, was her choice. She did know the consequences and she did do it anyway. Again, that's not saying she wasn't violated, that's not saying being violated was her fault either. Only saying that engaging in this risky behavior was a choice that she made. I'm not judging! It's just a fact! And changing that fact isn't just a minor re-writing of Fusion either. This is fundamentally transforming the point of it. The temptation of emotion for T'pol was what Fusion was all about. They give so little a concern about Star Trek lore, they'll even destroy the lore that they created the year before.
    Oh, and by the way, awesome job on that allegory, huh? The disturbed and violent man who violated T'pol is the only representative we have for homosexuals in all this. Congratulations, Enterprise, well done. Maybe, you might say, it's unfair to extend this analogy like that. To which I say, if there was so much concern about how LGBTQ might come across, well then where are they this week?
    Chuck (as Rick Berman): Bigotry against people with AIDS is really just bigotry toward gays, and that's unconscionable.
    Chuck (as Brannon Braga): So, we should put some gay characters on the show—?
    Chuck (as Rick Berman): Fuck you, Brandon, fuck you.
    Chuck (as Brannon Braga): I told you, it's Brannon.
    Chuck (as Rick Berman): It's Mr. Go outside and wax my fucking car, Brandon. Now!
    • Second, and much angrier, is for the episode's absolute character assassination of the entire Vulcan race. One that was so bad that they had to introduce a multi-part arc in the fourth season of the show just to salvage the entire species.
      Chuck: So, Archer figures what must've upset the Vulcans, really, was just being lied to, so he'll go down there, cap in hand, and ask if they can please give him the research on the disease to help his science officer. And this, yet again, leads us into the weeds because the Vulcans won't give the data. Because the melders are undesirables.
      Now, I discussed over on Discovery that Vulcans have values, and so one can be logical and nevertheless reach erroneous conclusions. Garbage in, garbage out. If you start with a bad premise, even the best logic will likely lead you to a bad conclusion. For that reason, I wasn't bothered by the idea of having a faction of militant Vulcans on that show, and I haven't changed that view either. But I am, however, bothered by this decision to make this extreme hatred of melders the norm among Vulcans. It's one thing to have a faction with a different way of thinking and quite another to say that society is corrupt from the top down. That people are fine with letting these melders and those who meld with them die.
      Now you might be saying, "Chuck, you admitted yourself that this is an allegory here, and bigotry from the top down has been a common even throughout history." Yeah, but we're not Vulcans. We don't try to suppress our dangerous emotions. We don't operate on pure logic. We don't extol the virtues of rational thinking. They do. This is the reason why I'm so upset with this episode, in that it has succeeded in its failure. By which I mean this society outrages with me. I am upset with this society, I have contempt for this society. The problem is this society is completely different from what the Vulcans are. It is so contrary, it is so against their nature that my contempt bounces off them and splashes all over the bumblers who wrote this shit.
      This is not some planet of the week we're talking about here. This is the oldest and most famous race in Star Trek. They are quite possibly the most famous fictional species that there is. You can't turn on a dime and declare that they're all no better than those sick protesters who disrupt the funerals of gay soldiers. That's just stupid. And I don't care if you call be a fanboy over this distinction, but goddammit, there is a difference here. I'm not complaining that you put the torpedo tube in the wrong place on the model or said that Riker's quarters are on the wrong deck. You've taken a race that is known for being benevolent, intelligent, moral, ethical, logical, and you've turned them into bigoted monsters. There is a line and you launched yourself across it. Call me a fanboy, but goddammit, on this issue, I'll wear the shirt proudly.
      And you know what's really crazy? This wasn't even an accurate reflection of attitudes at the time this episode was broadcast. In The '80s, there was fear about AIDS, yes, and that fear was due to ignorance about the disease itself. Doctors and paramedics didn't refuse to treat AIDS patients because they felt that homosexuals deserved to die out. It's because there was fear in getting it somehow and it lead them to unfortunate irrational behavior. And of course, the fact that HIV disproportionately targeted homosexual men in a less tolerant time certainly did not help matters. But it was only the kooks who treated it as something that shouldn't be treated for that reason, and that again was decades before this episode aired. TNG had its problems, sure, but at least they tried to do an AIDS episode. And they couldn't at the time.
      Oh, and you wanna guess who helped ensure that happened? I'll give you a hint: he wrote this episode and I made fun of him in a skit about five minutes ago. I wasn't there, so I can't verify personally, but according to David Gerald who wrote this episode, Blood and Fire, Berman was in favor of them doing the AIDS episode 'so long as as we didn't let any of those gays in it.' About a disease where 2 out of 3 people in America who have it are gay or bisexual men. And then we get this which, again, no LGBTQ anywhere near our AIDS allegory, please, and lets make sure it addresses attitudes that would've been timely when the sign outside the city of Chernobyl read "Famous only for our delicious vatruskas."

    Dragon Age 
  • Chuck's annoyance at Jowan of Dragon Age: Origins finally boils over when he discovers that the disaster in Redcliff was his fault - resulting in a double whammy of a speech:
    Chuck: You're the cause of all this trouble? Wait, stupid question, of course you are — because it's the stupidest possible thing you could have done! I mean, look at you: you escape the Circle Tower, have the whole world out there to go to, with no phylactery to track you, and your destination is the first city up the road, working for a nobleman whose nephew is the King. Here's a tip for your Blood Magic: try to leave enough in your body to keep your brain functioning!
    Jowan: Please, I know how it seems. Poisoning the Arl was... a terrible thing.
    Chuck: Ya think?!
    Jowan: I was instructed to by Teyrn Loghain. I was told that Arl Eamon was a threat to Ferelden, that if I dealt with him, Loghain would settle matters with the Circle. All I wanted was to be able to return!
    Chuck: WHAT!? ARE YOU—...DID—...I... Leaving aside the fact that you are a Blood Mage — which is why you were going to be made Tranquil in the first place — you stage an elaborate heist to destroy your phylactery, get your girlfriend sentenced to a nightmare prison, get me in so much trouble with the Templars that I joined a band of guys psychically linked with an Archdemon. Now you're telling me, before I managed to walk to Ostagar, you already agreed to murder a man... because you were homesick. How, Jowan? How can one man contain so much pathetic within his form!? You are like some sort of Fail elemental! The fact you're even still alive proves that God has a sense of morbid curiosity! You're such an embarrassment, that if your pants fell off and made you fall down the stairs, your dignity would actually increase! By God, you could fuck up a sieve!
  • During the playthrough of Dragon Age II, Hawke and her gang gets into a political mess involving two Elves accused of murder, who are seeking sanctuary with the Qunari at their camp, at the same time that Isabella runs off with a very precious Qunari book that Hawke was trying to retrieve for the Qunari. Hawke decides to come clean about Isabella's theft of the book to the Arishok, but Aveline, the Captain of the Guard, insist on discussing the Elvens fugitives. When the Elves' reason for seeking sanctuary is then revealed (a city guard raped their sister, and they murdered him after a futile attempt to get the corrupt guard force to officially sanction him for his crime), Aveline begins to skirt on the edge of being Too Dumb to Live by continuing to insist on pressing the issue, much to Chuck's exasperation:
    Aveline: That doesn't excuse murder!
    Chuck: What!? I'm here, risking my life, because two Elves killed the guy who violated a member of their family and was untouchable because your guards are corrupt? Yeah, murder is bad; I'm not arguing that. But are you really gonna pick now as the point for moral absolutism? If you're gonna draw a line in the sand here, Aveline, maybe pick a victim more sympathetic than a tool of oppression who was literally raping the poor, while your guards turn a blind eye to the crime! I don't think we need to burn the city to defend the honor of someone so without any!
    Arishok: Their actions are mere symptoms. Your society is the disease. They have chosen. The viddathari will submit to the Qun and find a path your way has denied them.
    Aveline: You can't just decide that. You must hand them over!
    Chuck: You're an idiot, Aveline, and I can't believe I have to be a party to this nonsense. Walking into the compound of an army of zealots, on the day they got the worst news of their lives, and then issuing an ultimatum to avenge the honor of a corrupt sex offender, is not just clearly an attempt at suicide, but an invitation to bring down ruin on the very city you're supposed to be defending. You came down on Isabella for choosing herself over the good of the city, but now you're choosing something that would push it right over the edge! I get it; you're worried about the precedence. But precedence doesn't matter if there is no city left standing!
    Arishok: I cannot leave without the relic, and I cannot stay and remain blind to this dysfunction. There is only one solution.
    Aveline: Arishok, there is no need for—
    Arishok: (cuts Aveline off, walks away as he signals his soldiers) Vinek kathas.
    (the Qunari soldiers begin chucking spears at the city guards)
    Chuck: Yep. Sure am glad we stood up for that murdered guard. Now we have two more murdered guards.
  • Chuck analyses Anders' character, and points out how he is most uncompromising shade of The Fundamentalist through and through. When Anders start talking about how he feels he is ready to lead a mage revolution, Chuck points out how immensity ill-fitted he is for that task:
    Anders: You make me think I can really do this. Lead a revolution!
    Chuck: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You, Anders, aren't leading anything. If there is a revolution — and we are going to try to avoid anything that radical, because in revolutions a lot of people die on both sides, okay? Especially the innocent. So we are going to try to make this a peaceful transformation. But if there is a revolution, you're not leading it, alright? You're about as well-equipped to lead a revolt as a fish is to play the piano, alright? I would trust Sandal with leading a revolution before I trusted you! You're the last person in line, and I'm remembering that a dog is a member of the team. Of course, this is going to fly right over your head, and I know, because you're the same guy who — after I showed kindness and understanding for the plight of mages — immediately presumed I wanted you to get into my pants! Anders, you're the master of both misinterpreting what you're being told and how to deal with other human beings. You can never lead a revolution! Oh, you can start one; I'll grant you that. But any idiot can start an avalanche! It takes a colossal idiot to think he can lead one!
    • Then Anders decides to kick off said revolution by blowing up the Kirkwall Chantry.
      Chuck: So... This is what you wanted me to "trust" you over? The dumbest fucking thing in the history of dumbest fucking things? You think what's going to convince people of the need for reform is blowing up a church? You thought: "People are afraid of mages, so how about I prove they should be!" That's right isn't it? That is what you thought, yes? Because you were so confident of your asinine plan that you refused to allow any input in from anyone else, so you must have considered all of the options and said: "Yes! By the Maker, I will take the cause I have spend years fighting for and piss it away in the stupidest act I possibly can!" And you had the nerve to tell me that aiding you was for "my" protection? When you know full well that being your accomplice would get me executed right alongside you? Did you really think that me not knowing what I was helping you with was going to fly? I only ask because you are such an imbecile, it's entirely possible for you to think: "Templars are cruel despots" and "Templars are perfectly just" at the same time. It's easy to have cognitive dissonance when you're carrying around a second mind. By all rights, I should kill you as a pre-emptive act of self-defense, simply because you've tried to trick me into getting myself executed and God knows what else you might try before the day is over! In fact, frankly, the only reason why I'm not gonna do that, is because I'm half-tempted to see if they're going to make you a Tranquil. I normally abhor that, but do you know what else I abhor? Blowing up churches!



  • In his final review of the anime, Kannazuki no Miko, he gives one to the series for revealing that the horrible actions of one of its main characters were all for "good reasons" before summing up the series with another one:
    "At this point my feelings on this series are abundantly clear: It was, at the best of times, laughably bad, and at the worst of times, shockingly, offensively bad. The show reached a point where even trying to make fun of it felt like I was guilty by association. Internet critics are famous for the hyperbole, so let me just say that I am being serious when I say if you gave me a choice between watching this entire series again or breaking my leg, I would have to think about it first. Kannazuki no Miko feels like it was made by taking slashfic written by a virgin and having it revised into a script by a robot. It knows of the things it speaks but has no competent demonstration of what they actually mean. This series has an understanding of love you don't normally see outside of a stalker and masturbates with the frequency of a lonely monkey trapped in a Viagra warehouse. This show is on my Avoid list; it might start in a "Let's make fun of it" place, but eventually you're just gonna feel oily watching it."

Comic Books

  • On Rob Liefeld, from Rise and Fall of the Comic Empire, part 3: "Image Problem":
    In an earlier draft of this, I apologized for my seeming obsession with bashing Rob Liefeld. I have since stricken that and offer no apologies because even though he is the whipping boy of comic book fans every time he comes up it's obvious why. From his business decisions to his laughably bad stories to his unprofessionalism to the fact that the one area where he possesses anything that could be considered a skill "art" (and believe me, the internet has archives that challenge that assertion), so me even suggesting that he has some skill there if anything threatens my credibility with comic book fans for being too generous to Rob Liefeld. Which is the point, the one point I argue that the degree of skill suggesting the possibility of one day showing talent. That position puts me on the fringe. So I'm giving up all pretence, I will almost certainly be bashing Liefeld every time he comes up. I would like it to be clear that's not simply of the sake of bashing him. Because I could list all the comments and antics such as his outrage after creating countless forgettable characters that he wholly owns, he publicly lost it when one of his creations that Marvel owns was revealed to be gay. Or, repeat the hilarious observation that the first character he did when he left was one that looked like himself, was leader of a celebrity superhero team, and was named Shaft. But I'm not going to make any further remarks like that because as fun as that would be this series is not dedicated to Rob Liefeld and everything he's done wrong. This is about comics, where he is a player and he has done a lot of things wrong. And even then the snide remarks are only because of virtually every time he comes up he is in some way connected to something that defies common sense or human decency.


  • From The Matrix, where he tears apart Agent Smith's assertion that humans are Not So Different from viruses.
    "Yes, and bats are really butterflies because they both have wings. The comparison to a virus, which have seen elsewhere, is really an analogy if you're just kinda pissed off at overpopulation and improper environmental attitudes. But it is nothing more than an emotive argument that is completely baseless. Those are valid things to be pissed off about if they matter to you and you can't take action over, but there is virtually nothing similar between humans and viruses because, even with all this twisted logic, humans do not consume all natural resources then move on. Otherwise, we wouldn't be living in areas where we were a thousand years ago. Now true, improper understanding has lead to mistakes that turned fertile lands into deserts and the like, but even if you accepted that was the equivalent — which it isn't — viruses do not consume. The only thing viruses do is multiply, which requires a host organism to do just that. Humans can reproduce just fine without any organisms, except possibly sheep, and it is done in the same way many other species would increase their numbers without natural predators. Humanity is unique, though, in that we have the capacity to check our own growth through conscious will, as shown when you look at world population rates and see that our growth had peaked half a century ago and has gone down since. We're still going up but not as quickly. And the human mind is a tool that has helped to achieve both that and the ability to identify problems that we might also be causing and seek to avert them, and the power to avert disasters that we might not cause but would nevertheless happen. If you have a problem with the behavior of our species, and there are definitely areas for improvement, you have to at least count your arguments in language that implies you're capable of having an intelligent conversation. This is bullshit. Humans are as equivalent to viruses as self-aware killer computer program Agent Smith here is to a sharpened rock."

Live-Action TV

  • Another speech is deployed in the review of the Farscape episode, "The Way We Weren't", when Zhaan's hypocritical condemnation of Aeryn gets too much for Chuck:
    (Tuts disapprovingly) You know, didn't want to have to do this, didn't want to drag this out and have it seem like I've got it out for you or something, but... I do have this little card I've been keeping in a safe place, with the label "In case of sanctimonious twat, break glass." Why are you on Moya in the first place? Huh? Do you remember that? Oh yeah- YOU KILLED A MAN! You murdered him in cold blood! The reason you're Reverend Treehugger Von Condescension is because, since then, you have changed. You have embraced a new path... WHICH AERYN HAS FRICKIN' DONE! The only difference between the two of you is she was a soldier following orders, and you just figured you'd kill somebody because you thought he'd done something wrong, so you figured you'd pass judgment on him- which I guess just goes to show you haven't changed all that much, have you?
  • Wonder Woman, of all people, earns one for pointlessly leading three lives — superhero, corporate leader, and humble member of the hoi polloi — and she sucks at all three.
    "Oh, Jesus Christ! I would feel for you if you had ever, at any point, shown the slightest bit of self-doubt or considered the horrific ramifications of your actions. But considering you'll kill people and go brag about it to your cat, no, take your pity party back home and drown it in some jagermeister and rocky road, you self-pitying nutjob. I'm sorry if this offends, but Wonder Woman has three lives and she sucks at all of them. Her and Mister Tiddles are nothing more than a self-imposed isolation dome, she has deliberately cut herself off from her normal life to go into this stupid pseudo-normal life thing she's got going on here. So that it's empty? Well, no shit! Second, the superhero life, oh yeah - she's a violent, narcissistic thug and lunatic with no regard for the rule of law. That's a great role model, thank you very much. Finally, as a corporate leader, she's negligent, until she decides to step in and drop a wrench in the whole works. There is only one thing she's good at. The only thing. She knows how to hurt people. And unlike other such characters in that regard, she does not hide in the shadows to do these dark deeds, no; She does it while wearing the colors of the American flag, giving press conferences, and merchandising herself. She is such a horrible person and hero, the only way I could see salvaging this is to have "Diana Prince" be a separate amazon character who tries to do the right thing in the shadows while the city is worshiping this sociopathic glory hound calling herself Wonder Woman until she finally is done in by her own hubris, thus leaving Diana to thwart the villain and take her place, to finally have Wonder Woman live up to the ideal she was, rather than the monster that she's been".
  • His special about the series of events leading to the cancellation of Doctor Who in 1989 is a massive one against Michael Grade, the BBC controller who thoroughly screwed the show over. He delivers a more direct one towards the end of the video, accompanied by a photograph of a facepalming statue:
    "So, to summarize: Michael Grade canceled a show with stable ratings, succeeding only in bringing it back with worse ratings than before, provided no change in management or guidance on how he wanted the show fixed. When he finally did take action, all he wound up doing was firing the guy who wanted to stay and told the guy who wanted to go "No, you're stuck here." He created an atmosphere that turned it into a show nobody wanted, and then scheduled it against one of the most popular shows on British television. For some reason, Michael Grade is the only person that's served as controller of the BBC that was never knighted by the Queen."
  • In his review of the Doctor Who TV movie, after the Master's infamous "I always dress for the occasion" bit, he lays into why he's such a terrible villain.
    This bad, I honesty spent half an hour coming to terms with what I was witnessing. It's hard to put into words, but I'll try. Master, your outfit looks like a stage curtain hatefucked a trumpet. Your poise is somewhere between high camp and a Disney villain and your voice is like you're the courtesan for a gloryhole. You do not scream to me that you are a master vilain, you make me wonder why someone made Siegfried and Roy the archbishops of Las Vegas. If a company was looking for a mascot to represent the fear of missing your period, they'd create you. You are what Andy Dick's subconcious looks like.

Western Animation

  • From The Legend of Korra, his rebuttal to Tarrlok's Not So Different Claims to Korra.
    "Nice try, very nice try. But the difference is that your job is preserve the peace and justice of Republic City. You're performing an injustice by treating the innocent as if they were guilty, and you destroyed the peace by encouraging them to resort to violence, because you had destroyed all non-violent recourse, and you provided a ready made army for the greatest threat to Republic City ever. Your cure is worse than the disease, and you have utterly failed in doing your job! That is the difference. You abuse your power to intimidate people. Korra is doing her job to try and intimidate you into stopping that."
    • He gives another one to Mako for his stupidity in "The Sting" (while simultaneously praising Asami for her class) after his plan to catch whoever is stealing from her company results in her losing everything.
      "But while Mako has only suffered terrible embarrassment all fricking day, Asami is the one with the worst luck of all, because her warehouse was robbed, taking absolutely everything she had. In her grief, she gives in and kisses Mako...and then apologizes for it. Let me restate that for you: Thanks to following Mako's plan, that was so bad the cops didn't want to do it, and wound up costing her everything she owns by following it, her reaction, in her grief at losing the last positive bit of the Sato legacy, was to briefly kiss the man responsible and apologize for her lack of control. Mako, that you would ever dump this person makes you the dumbest son of a bitch that has ever and will ever fuck up anything!"
    • When he reviewed the two-parter "Beginnings", he gave quite a few small ones to Avatar Wan for his stupidity, and to the spirits for their hypocrisy for claiming humans have no respect for nature, despite the spirits invading the human world and forcing humanity away from nature.


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