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The Reason You Suck Speech / CM Punk

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Behold! The creator of the Pipebomb and his mad display of mic skills.

  • This one to Raven in Ring of Honor
    Punk: Nothing stops me! And before you cut me off: Raven, the reason I hate you, the reason, in my heart of hearts why I hate you, is because I didn't know any better when I was a little kid. When my dad came home smelling like beer, I thought it was a hard day's work he was doing! I didn't realize he was out at the bar, I didn't realize "work" meant "unemployment office". I didn't think it was strange for someone to come home from work and have to take an old style up into the shower while he was in the shower, I didn't think it was strange for someone to pass out! I thought an old style, a pack a day was the norm! Raven, my father is exactly! Like! you! And since day one in Ring of Honor, where fighting spirit is supposed to be revered, things aren't supposed to be this way! I'd shake your hand like a normal man, but see, the truth is I don't respect you! I hate you! I hate you for everything you've pissed away, everything I've scraped and I've clawed for, that I haven't even earned yet, that you got handed to you, and you flushed down a toilet! For what? For pills? For booze? For alcohol? For women? I am born of your poison society, so on the 17th of July, I will become a monster to fight the monsters of the world, and your time in Ring of Honor will be done! And that is a promise! Because this is true! This is real! THIS... IS... STRAIGHT EDGE!!!
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  • And this one to the fans, when he won the ROH title, and announced he was leaving for WWE:
    Punk: Now far be it from me to think I owe any of you people any kind of an explanation as to why I did what I did, but I just cant resist. See, what kind of an evil genius would I be if I didn't extol to you my master plan? The only difference being, my master plan has already come to fruition. I have, in my hands, what I set out to get, so I'll explain to you now exactly why it is I did what I did. See, if I may, I would like to tell you a story, and I know the last time I told you a story, some of you were a little heartbroken. But I assure you, this story ends a little differently.
    You see, about a year and a half ago, I was still working for a company called Total Nonstop Action. Me and a couple of buddies of mine were told that we could no longer wrestle for Ring Of Honor, so what we did, and I'll name names: myself, Jerry Lynn, The Phenomenal AJ Styles, and "The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels, all decided to have a little bit of a meeting late Wednesday night in Nashville, Tennessee. And I sat there and I ate my food, I looked across the table at AJ Styles, who was the NWA World Champion at the time, a belt which, by the way, is nothing compared to the belt I hold in my hands right here. And I watched as AJ could barely eat his food, he certainly couldn't look me in the eye, because what we all agreed was if we stuck together, we could work for Ring Of Honor, we could work for whoever we wanted. I faxed a copy of my contract to the TNA offices and highlighted the part that said I could wrestle for whoever I wanted as long as their name was not Vincent K. McMahon or they were running a pay-per-view. I explained myself to AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels. I said, "AJ, you hold the belt, you hold the power, you can do things, they have to listen to what you say." They looked me in the eye and they said, "We're with you, Punk, we're gonna stick together."
    But I being done with them, I knew that was the nail in my coffin, so I made my decision, and I stayed here and I stuck with Ring of Honor, and I like to think that I built this place. And I know for a fact that there would not be a Ring of Honor for Christopher Daniels or AJ Styles to come crawling back to if it wasn't for me! Who do you think built this company? [Crowd chants "Joe!"] Oh, Samoa Joe? Is that what you think? Do you think Samoa Joe was in the ring every day, training kids, eating, sleeping, breathing Ring of Honor like I was? No, he wasn't! And Chris Daniels, and AJ Styles, and even Low Ki turned their back on this company, and I stood tall, and I stayed here, and what did I get for it, huh? You people shit all over me! Because it was always "When's AJ coming back? Oh, Low Ki throws nice kicks! Oh, Chris Daniels is so great!" and the whole time, CM Punk, much like Atlas, had this entire world up on his shoulders, lifting it up, building up the young guys, showing the way, teaching them, and making sure you losers have a place to come hang out every Friday and Saturday night!
    Everybody else turned their back on this company except for me, and you turn your back on me! I wasn't qualified to run the school, I'm sloppy, I'm this, I'm that, but the fact is, I was the backbone of this company, and now, I am the champion, and I hold the most important belt in the world, and there's nothing any of you people can do about it!
    So now, fast forward about a year, and I get an offer from another company. I've got an offer from the WWE. And what do I hear? I hear "Please don't go! Please don't go!" Let me hear it now! Where are you now, huh? [Crowd chants "You sold out!"] All you people can chant all you want! All your voices combined still isn't louder than mine! So I take this offer from the WWE. You people doubt that I actually signed a contract? I have to listen to you people doubt my ability in the ring, when I gave you the five-star, greatest technical match Ring of Honor has ever seen? When I gave you the bloodiest street fights that Ring of Honor's ever seen? People, you didn't realise it, you were in the midst of the greatest professional wrestler walking the world today, and he's in this ring right now! So I will, once again, prove the doubters wrong! You people doubt that I signed a contract with the WWE? Well, you're right! I haven't signed my contract! [Takes the contract out of his pocket.] You see this? This is my key to freedom. This means I don't have to see any of you people any more. I've already proved that I'm better than you. But what I'd like to do right now is sign my contract, to once again prove you all wrong. Bobby Cruise, if you could hold the belt, please, I want to sign the contract right on top of it.
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  • On the road to Night of Champions 2009, on the July 10, 2009 episode of Smackdown, in the middle of his feud with Jeff Hardy, Punk introduces his Smug Straight Edge persona by laying down a new one on the veteran. Too bad it didn't work in the end, but still... Jeff was sacked from the WWE several months later.
    Punk: Are you proud of yourself, Jeff? I could have been seriously injured last week. And you got a lot of nerve, faking in an injury, and leaving me in the ring to fend for myself, especially considering you're the one who injured my eye in first place. As far as what you said earlier about me making the whole thing up, coming out here with your cute eyepatch mocking me, I wanna show you something, Jeff.
    This is Polymyxin B Sulfate. I have to apply this to my eye three times a day. The only way you obtain this is with a prescription, from a doctor. Now, I know you know a thing or two about prescription medication, what I don't think you realize is that you have to go to a doctor to legally obtain some. (Applies in the eye) Unlike you, Jeff, this is the only foreign substance I will allow in my body. So if you want to imitate me, why don't you try living a clean lifestyle? Why don't you try living a straight-edge lifestyle?
    Jeff, you've got two strikes. You know how many I have? Zero. Jeff, you know how many times I have been suspended? Zero. You know how many times I've been to a rehab facility? That's right, Zero. Do you know what your chances are of beating me at Night of Champions? Zero.
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  • Raw, 6/27/2011 — Punk went off, and the Pipebomb was born. Knowing full well he's leaving on July 17th, Punk ends the show by costing John Cena a tables match against R-Truth. After having said earlier on Twitter that he's in "what are they going to do, fire me?" mode, Punk cut a promo that buried just about everything bad and wrong about the WWE. He buries the Merchandise-Driven nature of the company, takes WWE to task for mispromoting the beejesus out of him, calls out Cena and The Rock for kissing Vince's ass, applauds Paul Heyman, refers to himself as a "wrestler" (practically a dirty word in the company), threatens to take the WWE Championship to rival companies (which aren't even acknowledged by Vince McMahon) — going so far as to namedrop New Japan Pro-Wrestling and Ring of Honor as possible venues to wrestle in after he leaves WWE, and acknowledges a fourth wall break. He was only cut off when he started going off on the company's anti-bullying initiativenote , though the audience was enjoying every second.
    As far as worked shoot promos go, this was easily the greatest since Joey Styles' infamous "I Quit" promo — and it may have surpassed that one, to boot. It was so good and so believable that Jim Rome, a radio host who normally doesn't cover WWE (highlighting the UFC and MMA), highlighted it on his show the next day, because he thought it was real. And if you buy what CM Punk has said offscreen, he went off-book enough and close-to-the-bone enough that it kind of was.
    Punk: John Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this because before I leave in 3 weeks with your WWE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.
    I don't hate you, John. I don’t even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back. I hate this idea that you're the best. Because you're not. I'm the best. I'm the best in the world. There's one thing you're better at than I am and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good as kissing Vince McMahon's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne though. He's a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is. Whoops! I'm Breaking the Fourth Wall! [Punk waves to the camera]
    I am the best wrestler in the world. I've been the best since day one, when I walked into this company. And I've been vilified and hated since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That’s right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar. And he split just like I'm splitting. But the biggest difference between me and Brock is I'm going to leave with the WWE Championship.
    I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that, they’re completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that ring, even on commentary! Nobody can touch me! And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collector cups. I'm not on the cover of the program. I'm barely promoted. I don't get to be in movies. I'm certainly not on any crappy show on the USA Network. I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania. I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show. I'm not on Conan O'Brien. I'm not on Jimmy Fallon. But the fact of the matter is, I should be. This isn't sour grapes. But the fact that Dwayne is in the main event at WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
    Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you're the ones who are sipping on those collector cups right now. You're the ones that buy those programs that my face isn't on the cover of. And then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face and get an autograph and try to sell it on eBay because you're too lazy to go get a real job.
    I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17th. And hell, who knows, maybe I'll defend it in New Japan Pro-Wrestling, maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor. [Punk looks at the camera and waves.] Hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing?
    The reason I'm leaving is you people. Because after I'm gone, you're still going to pour money into this company. I'm just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. Vince McMahon is going to make money despite himself. He's a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he's not a billionaire? Because he surrounds himself with glad-handed, nonsensical, douchebag yes-men, like John Laurinaitis, who's going to tell him everything that he wants to hear, and I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon is dead. But the fact is, it's going to be taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family. Let me tell you a personal story about Vince McMahon, all right? We do this whole bully campaign- [His microphone is cut off.]
  • On the July 11, 2011 edition of Raw, Punk manages back to back speeches on Vince McMahon and John Cena. First, he outright says to Vince's face how much of a bully he is, getting a massive pop from the crowd not only by mentioning his friend Colt Cabana (again), but arguing for getting his face on merchandise— including the wildly popular WWE Ice Cream Bars. The greatest part of it all? He manages to get the Boss himself to APOLOGIZE.
    CM Punk: [After a series of eccentric requests] The last thing that this contract states is that you apologize to me. I know, Vince McMahon doesn't apologize, right? But you'll apologize to me for suspending me last week. You will apologize... Hell, you know what? I'm gonna be honest, you're not apologizing to me, you're apologizing to these people for being one of the biggest hypocrites that I've ever seen in my entire life. As far as your anti-bullying campaign goes, you're one of the biggest bullies I've ever met in my entire life, and YOU WILL APOLOGIZE!
    [Stunning silence, until the crowd chants "CM Punk! CM Punk!"]
    CM Punk: I have had friends, very talented friends, worked for this company, and be unceremoniously fired.
    CM Punk: They deserved it? They deserved what? Because you don't know what makes a superstar in 2011? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE PEOPLE WANT?! You wanna punish people for actually liking Professional Wrestling? Guys like Colt Cabana, guys like Luke Gallows? Huh? YOU WILL APOLOGIZE! TO ME! FOR THEM! Because they can't be here right now, and they can't stand up to you, and they can't let their voice be heard. I AM CM PUNK, AND I AM THE VOICE OF THE VOICELESS, AND YOU WILL APOLOGIZE! AND YOU! WILL! LIKE IT!
    Vince: Ok! I say I'm sorry.
    • Then, when John Cena throws his two cents in, Punk retorts with a similar tirade against him, outlining that even though Cena regards himself as an underdog, he's the face of the company and has become "a dynasty." And then claims that Cena is not like the Boston Red Sox, but the New York Yankees. Considering that Cena's home town is Boston, that is as big of a Berserk Button as you can get, big enough for Cena to try and hit Punk. And this took place in Boston, so Punk just called a city's hometown hero their most hated rival. It resulted in some truly epic heat.
    Punk: I'm not gonna have you sit here and belittle me, say I've lost sight, I've lost sight of things, John? The reason I say I'm gonna take that and walk out is because I don't fit a certain mold, because I am the underdog, and that's exactly what you've lost sight of! Earlier in this ring, you mentioned great wrestlers like Eddie Guerrero and you said that they used to look at you and say "the kid couldn't hang," and now you stand here and look at me as the kid that can't hang...
    John, I was hanging off of your gangster car at Wrestlemania 22, as it rolled down on Chicago, Illinois, and I stood there in a suit, looking as ridiculous as that man looks right now in a suit, holding a phony Tommy Gun, and I said to myself "someday, I'm not gonna be standing out there watching you in the ring, I was gonna be standing in the ring watching you go down to CM Punk". And now here we are, in your hometown of Boston. And now next week we'll be back there in my hometown, Chicago, Illinois. And this, this is the part where you talk 'em into the building. See, YOU are the one that's lost sight. And I apologize for raising my voice, because I'm not that guy, but when you stand here and tell me that I've lost sight, when you, the 10-time champion who stands for hustle, loyalty and respect, who's from Boston, Massachusetts, lives and breathes these red colors! The same colors as your beloved Red Sox who also portray themselves as the underdogs. (...) Hey, how about the Celtics, are they the underdogs too?
    Here's what you've lost sight of, John! And I'm really happy that your father and your wife are sit in the front row so that they can hear it! What you've lost sight of is what you are! And what you are is what you hate! You're the ten-time WWE Champion, you're the man! Ladies and gentlemen, the champ is here! You, like the Red Sox, like Boston, are no longer the underdog! You're a dynasty! You are what you hate! You have become the New York Yankees!
    • This prompted a punch from the normally calm Big Match John, which also prompts Punk to run to the entrance, and deliver the ultimate verdict on the WWE:
    Punk: Turn the music off, because I have something to say. And I'm positive that everybody here wants to hear it! And everybody sitting home as their DVRs fire up, because THEY WANNA HEAR IT! I'm glad you just punched me in the face, John! I'm glad it went down this way! Because it hit me like a bolt of lighting why I no longer wanna be here, why I wanna leave. It's because I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you. I'm just tired. So, ladies and gentleman of the WWE Universe, Vince, John, Sunday night, say goodbye to the WWE title, say goodbye to John Cena... [Stands up with his contract in hand.] ...and say goodbye to CM Punk! [Shreds his contract.]''
  • Gives one to Triple H, John Laurinaitis, and John Cena on the August 8, 2011 episode of Raw, calling the former two out on the firings of several superstars and the latter out on being above it all, just when Cena and Triple H have accused him of being gutless. Punk looks dumbfounded then fires back with a retort for the ages:
    Punk: Oh wait a minute! I'M gutless? I'M a phony? I'm gutless? Let's analyze that, who fires people around here? You? Or FUNKMAN over here, huh? Let me ask you a question Johnnie, FUNKMAN! Did you personally face to face fire Vladimir Kozlov on Friday? [Crowd OOOOOOOHS.] Did you fly yourself to Florida to tell Harry Smith - yes his name is Harry, not David Hart Smith - that he was no longer needed here? Did you tell Chris Masters, somebody who over the past year HAS WORKED HIS ASS OFF to get better, did you fire him face to face or did you phone him up and say "Hey kid, it's a budget thing, best of luck in your future endeavors!" DON'T CALL ME GUTLESS!
    • Then he turns around and gives John Cena one for calling him a phony.
      Punk: Hey, John-boy. This is about you and this is about me. This is about the WWE Championship. It is easy for you to sit there and act all noble and holier than thou when you have been afforded opportunity after opportunity. You're placed on a pedestal so your perspective is skewed. You look down on everybody else. You look down on me, and I'll give you an example. Some odd years ago, I won my first championship here in the WWE, I won the ECW championship. The next day, you, who didn't bother saying two words to me before that, pat me on the back and said, "Good match. Congratulations, champ. I almost gave up on you." I hold grudges and ever since then, I have a sour taste in my mouth because who in the hell do you think you are? You gave up on me? You know who gave up, Mr. Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect? You know who gave up on their dream? You did. When you moved to California to become a body builder and became a Sports Entertainer because you couldn't hack it, alright. I started as a professional wrestler and I fought to get to where I'm at right now. And yeah, I held up the WWE for some perks. Do I want an Ice Cream Bar with my name on it? YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT! You are the lion. I am the hyena. I got to fight for my share. I held everybody up to get the opportunities that you've just been handed. The opportunities that you've been just given. Yeah, you can take. Who would turn them down? Certainly, I wouldn't. Here is the thing John Boy. Seven years ago in Los Angeles, you walked in and won your first WWE Title. Congratulations. This Sunday. You are walking back into Los Angeles and you are walking out with nothing. YOU ARE WALKING OUT WITH NOTHING! Sure, you will be a big star the next day. You'll be in the Marine 4 or maybe, you'll have your big fight with Dwayne,which is great, and you'll still have your legions of fans who pee in their pajamas every time they think about you. Y'know what you are not going to have, John Boy? You are not going to have the WWE Championship. YOU. WILL. NOT. BE. WWE CHAMPION. Because the WWE Champion will be me.
  • Through 2011 and into 2012, John Laurinaitis had been getting under the skin of most of the Raw roster. One person especially who has never liked "Big Johnny" would be CM Punk. Heading into the Royal Rumble pay-per-view, Punk has been having problems with Laurinaitis of the Unwanted Assistance variety, which finally came to a head on the January 16, 2012 Raw with a beautiful calling out which made for early candidate to Pipe Bomb of the Year, as Punk called out Laurinaitis for how it must've ate him alive with jealousy that while his brother was one of the legendary Road Warriors, he himself was so utterly terrible and/or bland/nondescript in the ringnote  that he had to trade in his tights for a suit to get anywhere in the business, whereas the anti-authority rebel Punk is the WWE Champion and has accomplished more in the past year than Ace has his entire career. This and some prodding by Mick Foley to at least admit his true intentions led to a Villainous Breakdown which was oddly enough the most interesting Laurinaitis has ever been.
    Punk: What's the matter? You don't like that? Huh? Mr. Laurinaitis? Do you find me to be disrespectful? You don't like that I'm gonna just, grab things out of your hand, do you?
    Let me tell you what you're going to do about [screwing Punk and Foley out of their championship]: absolutely nothing.
    Oh! You know what? Mick has nothing to do with what's going on around here. It's time we're going to put our co-NO! SHUT YOUR MOUTH! YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO ME! YOU'RE GONNA MAN UP! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR BALLS OUT OF YOUR PANTS RIGHT NOW! WE'RE GOING TO LAY OUR CARDS ON THE TABLE!
    YOU don't like me, but it has nothing to do with who I am and if I could be your psychologist for a moment, it has everything to do with who you are not. See, the people have no idea who you are. That's because when you were a competitor in sports entertainment as you like to call it, you had the look, but oh boy! oh boy! did you ever suck. And that must have been really, really difficult Johnny, your brother being one half of the legendary Road Warriors, and you never amounting to much more than roadkill. See, you were boring, you weren't charismatic, you were vanilla—that's right, boring! And it kills you that you never made it to this stage, the WWE, as a competitor, so you traded in your lame-ass tights for your equally lame-ass suit. You went from somebody who just sucked to somebody who just sucked up. And now that you're your corporate Yes-Man, you take your eyes and you look at a guy like me and you can't stand the fact that the last year of my career, I've achieved more than you have in your entire life!
    You! You know what? I don't even know why I'm screaming. You just don't have an original thought in your body. I mean, and you're gonna screw me at the Royal Rumble pay-per-view, well, better men have tried, and better men have failed. But you're going to try to screw me based on one thing: your pure jealousy of who I am and where I come from and the fact, the fact that I AM THE WWE CHAMPION! I'M THE MAN!
    And you can't stand it, so you're gonna screw me at the Royal Rumble. Let me tell you something, Johnny: doesn't matter what you do to me on my championship match, because at the coming end of it, I'll still be better than you. And I'll have all these people doing something you wished your entire career they did: I'll have them talking about you. You see, 'cause if you screw me, I'm not gonna hit you with the GTS, I'm not gonna put you to sleep, I'm not gonna lock you in the Anaconda Vise, but I'm gonna have these people talking about you, for sure. 'Cause if you screw me, they're gonna be talking about how Mr. John Laurinaitis, executive vice president of talent relations and interim RAW General Manager, looks like he went through a meat grinder because CM Punk just kicked his pathetic ass!
    (They look at each other for a while, Punk threatens to hit Johnny, then picks the WWE championship belt)
    You're pathethic!
  • Punk takes Chris Brown to task, after Brown made a badly-researched tweet on Punknote  The utter calmness in Punk's voice and manner as he dishes out the verbal pwnage just makes it even more awesome:
    Punk: I never intended to include Chris Brown's name in one of my tweets to start some kind of controversy or to gain publicity or anything like that. And now that he's thrown accusations my way about using steroids, I feel the need to reply. So please allow me to retort: I'm a lifelong proud drug-free, straight edge individual. So, Chris, I come from two completely different worlds. I don't have a manager, I don't have a bodyguard; I don't need a bodyguard, I don't have an assistant, I have no need for a PR team to tell me what to tweet or when to delete tweets... and I don't hit women. See? Period. You don't hit women. In my world, women are to be revered and respected and I firmly believe that, in this life, there are consequences and repercussions for people's actions and I don't think Chris has paid for what he's done. Picking up trash on the side of a highway does not make amends for repeatedly striking a woman in her face and sending her to a hospital. So Chris wants to throw stones my way now and I say... "that's fine", but put some gloves on and get in the ring. I will choke you out and I will make you feel as weak and as powerless and scared as any woman who has ever had the misfortune of knowing a sad, cowardly little boy such as yourself. And all proceeds can go to a women's shelter of my choosing. If you wanna pick up more trash on the side of the highway than make some amends, you should donate more time, maybe tell kids that exactly what you did isn't right. But I'm also a realist. And I know none of these things will ever happen. Because Chris Brown isn't a man. And that's fine. I just know that some day, somewhere, somehow, somebody will put Chris Brown exactly where he belongs and it honestly doesn't have to be me. I would just really like it to be.


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