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Pictured: Someone who really wishes he wasn't here right now.

"How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?"
Me on my annoying, inconsiderate neighbors.
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Hello there. My name is Squidward Q. Tentacles, Bikini Bottom's resident artist, clarinet player, and Supreme Chef extraordinaire. My talents would probably be more recognized if it wasn't for my obnoxious next-door neighbors, SpongeBob and Patrick, and the fact that I'm forced to spend my weekdays trapped in the prison of high cholesterol that is the Krusty Krab. All I ever want in life is peace and quiet, but between being stuck at that cash register all day and forced to put up with that annoying sponge's overly cheerful attitude, getting my wish is never easy. Fortunately, even when he finally got his own page here, to my obvious misfortune, he still has to stay on it for the most part while I get to keep this one all to myself. Sucker! I got to admit, that's not so much compared to what I usually have to deal with.

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Oh, and if that's not enough, that stuck-up snob Squilliam Fancyson always thinks he can be better than me by showing me up every chance he gets. Served him right when I put together that marching band and blew everyone away at the Bubble Bowl!

How about you read this in the voice of Rodger Bumpass, my incredibly talented voice actor? At least it'll be different from that French narrator who keeps butting in on my everyday life!


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Artistically unique tropes that apply to me:

  • Abusive Parents: And Grandparents. My mother was rather dismissive of me and even supported Sandy when she insulted me during "Sportz?". My grandmother wasn't kind to me, either; in "Chum Fricassee", after finding out I've been using her chum recipe wrong, she attacks me by hitting my foot with her walker frequently.
  • Accidental Truth: One time, after SpongeBob's non-stop laughing nearly drove me insane, I lied to him that if he didn't can it with the laughter, he'd blow out his "laugh box" and never be able to laugh again. Too bad it came back to haunt me after I revealed the trick and laughed over it. How was I supposed to know laugh boxes were real?
  • Agony of the Feet: In "House Fancy", that yellow dimwit crushed my foot with a table and ripped off my toenail! Ugh! The internet community was pretty grossed out by that scene, and I can't blame them. As a matter of fact, how did I grow out a toenail? I know we get a closer look sometimes, but... Even to this day, I wonder if it was still worth getting to win against Squilliam. That’s not really something I should be having second thoughts about.
  • All of the Other Reindeer: Where do I even begin? Between those moronic neighbors of mine constantly putting me down, my cheapskate boss forcing me to stand at that register all day without any compensation, and the people of Bikini Bottom's irrational hatred of me, it seems like nobody wants to respect me!
  • Arch-Enemy: I may have flat-out said that I consider SpongeBob to be the bane of my existence, but he's still just a loser irrelevant neighbor. If there's anyone more qualified for this, which may or may not be saying something, it would have to be Squilliam. I can at least remember how long he's been tormenting me, namely back in high school and for being a Smug Snake to me.
  • Amazing Technicolor Wildlife: Well not really, I might look blue at first glance, but it's only because I live underwater. When SpongeBob was messing around with his stupid reef blower, he made me turn purple without any water!
  • Animals Hate Me: That yellow idiot's moronic snail actually attacks me, and when those morons brought me on their camping trip, I was constantly attacked and nearly mauled to death by a Sea Bear! Although, I guess I did set him off by wearing a sombrero in a goofy fashion and screeching like a chimpanzee.
  • Not Annoying At All Laugh: My laugh is NOT annoying, it's just very honky sounding because of my nose.
  • Anti-Hero: I admit it, I'm rather cranky, sarcastic, and hate everyone around me, but sometimes I show that I'm a good person deep down.
  • Anti-Villain: Don't remind me. Apparently, I'm supposed to be an antagonist just because I despise that yellow doofus, even though he keeps bothering me all the time!
  • Attack of the 50-Foot Whatever: There was that time I turned into a giant after SpongeBob and Patrick used too much of the growth spray.
  • Attention Whore: OK fine, when I'm not keeping to myself, I like to demand people's attention by displaying interpretive dancing or playing my clarinet really loudly. There, I said it!
  • Beautiful Dreamer: Or so my neighbors think. I do look very attractive if I do say so myself.
  • Berserk Button: Go ahead, take a wild guess who and/or what. It's not like I care which is worse.
  • Good Neighbor Instinct: Sometimes, I can show that I do care for SpongeBob, like when I tried to make it up to him when he was sad about Christmas. When me and SpongeBob were about to be murdered by the "Hash-Slinging Slasher", I actually hugged him. I did it in fear, OK?
    • Oh, and I schemed with Mr. Krabs to humiliate that buffoon into never going near the hooks again. Harsh? Yes. Possibly life-saving? Definitely.
    • After a rude customer made him cry after we went through Davy Jones' Locker to deliver him a pizza, I decided to give him a piece of my mind and knocked that ungrateful jerk out.
  • Born Unlucky: It goes without saying. Will I ever go a day without getting injured, humiliated, or suffering some kind of misery?
  • Break the Haughty: I admit! My arrogance and jerky attitude do get the better of me very, very often!
  • Brilliant, but Lazy: Hey, I CAN win the employee of the month award if I wanted to! I just don't care to do any work because the award is just a big scam! I think even that one time I actually tried to win was just to get back at SpongeBob for going crazy about it.
  • Brutal Honesty: I'm always quick to tell the two imbeciles what they need to hear than what they want to hear, not that's ever going to get through their thick skulls.
  • Bullying the Dragon: Looking back on "The Camping Episode", I regret my decision to deliberately provoke the Seabear! Needless to say, it DIDN'T end well for me! Please don't remind me again! The same can be said for dealing with Patrick's big dumb sister.
  • Bungled Suicide: I don't know why everyone thought I would kill myself when I stuck my head in the oven and put up a birdcage. Let’s be honest, as miserable as my life may be, I probably would’ve done it a long time ago. I've even survived plenty of other stuff that should have killed me. Sometimes I wonder if the sources of my misery, such as those two morons, are actually keeping me alive... For the wrong reasons, of course.
  • Burger Fool: Well, that's what happens when you work at the Krusty Krab!
  • Butt-Monkey: I solely exist just to be the show's punching bag. How wonderful is that?
  • Cannot Spit It Out: I was forced to apologize to SpongeBob for that cruel April Fool's prank, but I didn't find that easy enough.
  • Cannot Tell a Joke: I'm able to tell a joke, but it falls flat due to my lack of enthusiasm. Oh well.
  • Can't Live with Them, Can't Live without Them: As much as I can't stand that yellow headache SpongeBob, there was a time I did miss being around him. "Squidville" comes to mind.
  • Cloudcuckoolander's Minder: Unfortunately to SpongeBob and Patrick as I have to zip their mouths shut before they could speak.
  • The Comically Serious: Being surrounded by a wacky world full of annoying idiots is so amusing to the viewers. Whatever.
  • Cosmic Plaything: It seems the heavens above created me to be their plaything. You don't know how horrible it is. I may not be a nice person, but it’s still more than I actually deserve, sheesh.
  • Cranky Neighbor: Thanks to living next door to a yellow doofus who will never leave me alone, I'm the most iconic example of this trend. They might as well rename it "The Squidward", but it's usually the other way around.
  • Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Who're you calling a moron!? Well, anyway, I'm not exactly the most intimidating guy around, but if I see the Green Sun of Neptune, I turn into a giant feral octopus that is one of the biggest and most dangerous creatures in Bikini Bottom.
  • Deadpan Snarker: I never hold back my sharp wits against those who are annoyingly moronic, especially SpongeBob and Patrick, but their little brains can't comprehend sarcasm.
  • Dirty Coward: Dirty? Well, excuse you! When the world is so messed up and you’re stuck living with nitwits, I’m only out for myself!
  • The Dog Bites Back: When I'm not on the receiving end of some cruel misfortune, I got one of these every now and then, and it feels so good!
    • One time, Mr. Krabs turned the Krusty Krab into a luxury hotel and forced me into catering to Patrick's every whim citing, "We shall never deny a guest, even the most ridiculous request." So I quit and then used the policy against him. That'll teach ol' man Krabs.
    • There was that time when that big oaf Patrick became "king" and demanded that all of the citizens hand over their stuff to him because he and SpongeBob said so. Worse, he demolished my house so he can make a Ferris Wheel. I was the one who got everyone to realize that the pink doofus has no real claim to power, and has no right to boss them around and force them to hand over their stuff to him. When SpongeBob tried to convince me to sign a treaty pledging loyalty to the dimwit, I responded by shoving it into one of his face craters. Take that, SpongeBrain!
    • There was the time Mr. Krabs left SpongeBob in charge as acting manager, and he tried to boss me around. So I told SpongeBob a bunch of Krusty Krab "secrets", and made him do all the dirty work. After that, Mr. Krabs ended up washing dishes, a random customer frying the Krabby patties, SpongeBob holding a bunch of customers hostage with his silly dancing, and me napping the day away! Best day at work ever!
    • And let's not forget that time I read SpongeBob's diary to everyone in Bikini Bottom all just to get back at him for everything he put me through for 9 seasons. Of course, SpongeBob didn't ruin my day this time, and that only made me the bad guy. But I don't care! It was so worth it!
  • Dreadful Musician: Oh, everyone's a critic. Well, I'll have you know I'm a decent clarinet player. The mood I'm in only depends on how well I play it, not that I sound awful.
  • Emotionally Tongue-Tied: I had so much of a hard time apologizing to SpongeBob for that awful prank I pulled on him that doing so caused my head to explode.
  • Enraged by Idiocy: When you're stuck with two simpletons like SpongeBob and Patrick, yes, you know I'll get mad.
  • Everyone Has Standards: As much as SpongeBob bothers me to no end, I was shocked and disgusted that Mr. Krabs would sell his soul for 62 cents.
    • Also, after SpongeBob and I walked through tornadoes and who knows what else to deliver a pizza to a guy, only for him to scream angrily at SpongeBob for forgetting a drink that he didn't even order and slam the door in his face, reducing the poor sponge to tears, even I couldn't stand it. Even if he did order the drink and Mr. Krabs might've hung up, that jerk deserved getting knocked out.
  • Flanderization: I got more uh...grouchy as time went on. Can you blame me? Between those two idiots, the entire town of Bikini Bottom failing to recognize my talents, and having to keep working at that grease trap under that cheapskate crustacean, of course I was going to end up a little nastier! Come to think of it, the whole town got a lot worse too. Huh, well that explains why my paychecks were a lot less than usual. Glad that whole fiasco died off and sanity came back to Bikini Bottom.
    • Oh, and this didn't just apply to my behavior. Someone up there thought it would be funny if I suffered more, even if I didn't deserve it! Luckily, that seems to have died down. And thank goodness, because my poor soul couldn't have taken another swipe like that.
  • Foil: You could say I'm the opposite to that cheery, fun-spirited yellow oaf.
  • Freudian Excuse: I had a miserable childhood and I live with idiot neighbors who harass me every day. You can't really blame me for being such a grouch.
  • Friendship Denial: It makes no difference if we're neighbors, that doesn't mean I'm SpongeBob's friend, and I never will be! Sadly, that yellow imbecile can't take a hint.
  • The Friends Who Never Hang: She’s more of an acquaintance really, but I do rarely interact with Sandy on my own. It might seem strange since she’s easily the most rational and intelligent person I know (besides myself of course), and one of the least irritating, but on the other hand, she’s WAY into extreme sports, and that nitwit SpongeBob almost got himself killed trying to appease her unquenchable lust for adrenaline. She also likes to play god with science, like the time she got me and SpongeBob biologically fused, I’ll never recover from that nightmarish experience. Hmmm…maybe it is better to keep my distance?
  • Get Out!: Whenever SpongeBob and Patrick happen to wander in my house, I always tell them this. Trust me, I deal with this every day.
  • Gleeful and Grumpy Pairing: I'm the Grumpy to SpongeBob's Gleeful. I'm grumpy, cynical, and hate SpongeBob with a passion. We're probably one of the most iconic examples in the new millennium.
  • Green and Mean: Hey, I'm not that bad of a guy! However, my skin color is somewhere in between the aquamarine and teal range, and my "meanness" is more out of irritation rather than villainy.
  • Green-Eyed Monster: So what if I'm envious of SpongeBob and Patrick? It's not like they deserve all the nice stuff that seems to befall them!
  • Hair-Trigger Temper: I get mad easily, mainly by SpongeBob and Patrick's stupid antics.
  • Hates Being Touched: Unfortunately, my aversion to physical contact doesn't stop SpongeBob cuddling me. Ugh!
  • Hates Everyone Equally: Yes, I really do. It's only personal if you annoy me enough times.
  • "I Hate" Song: I hate people so much that I even sang a song about it in one episode! Pretty catchy. You should take a listen to it when you get the chance.
  • Hollywood Atheist: Oh puh-lease! I have no soul. And I don't believe in the supernatural *a hellish background and laugh pop up behind him* Those are just the effects! It's not like it's real or anything!
  • Hypocritical Humor: Almost every barnacle-head in Bikini Bottom likes to get on my case for not having hair. The fact that most of them don’t have hair either flies right over their empty heads.
  • Jerkass: It's really hard to be a nice person when everyone around you is a bumbling idiot.
  • Jerkass Has a Point: It's not hard to understand why I'm not a pleasant fellow. Let me enlighten you.
    • I work at a low-paying minimum wage job, I'm a victim of bad luck, I have two idiot neighbors who bother me endlessly, and Squilliam always rubs his rich lifestyle in my face.
    • You can find my anger and annoyance towards SpongeBob to be understandable considering that he does things like borderline stalking. I even had to report the police on him for that.
    • Unlike SpongeBob, I have a more realistic attitude towards working at the Krusty Krab, since Mr. Krabs is a cheapskate who hardly pays us and treats me and SpongeBob horribly.
    • Oh, and let's not forget how the entire populous of Bikini Bottom irrationally hates me for some reason. Fine, there may be a few times where I did deserve their hatred, but come on! Sometimes I could just be standing there and they'd act like I was a public safety hazard!
  • Jerkass Realization: I remember that time I pulled a cruel prank on SpongeBob which made him cry. I wasn't proud of that.
  • Jerkass to One: I'm a lot ruder to SpongeBob than I am with others, even Patrick who's just as annoying as him, but only dumber than him. Can you blame me? I not only live next door to him, but we're also co-workers, meaning that I have to deal with him bugging me and tormenting me with his tomfoolery day in and day out.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Sure, I may be cranky, grouchy, short-tempered, and somewhat arrogant, but I can be a compassionate and courteous individual as long as you don't annoy me.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Jerk: Sometimes, anyways. Why would I help someone for free? In "What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?", I was the only one who was happy of driving SpongeBob to leave Bikini Bottom and even ruin the others' chances of bringing him back home. At least I don't pretend to feel sorry unlike the others. Then I decided to help bring the yellow twit back...only because Mr. Krabs promised to reward me with a fancy egg I needed for my collection. Too bad that egg broke on SpongeBob's head which brought back his memories. Doooh! Well, if it makes you feel better, I did end up deciding to throw my brain in the trash.
  • Karma Houdini: I got away with laughing at SpongeBob for his kissy mark he got from his grandma, which is still funny to this very day. I even escaped punishment for taking advantage of his kindness and treating him like a slave (complete with having him wear a maid outfit). To be fair, this normally doesn't happen with everything else I do.
  • Lack of Empathy: So what if I'm harsh or uncaring?
  • Laser-Guided Karma: In the old seasons, bad things happen to me because I was being a total jerk. Nowadays, I get unfairly punished. Thankfully these days, it only happens if I really have it coming.
  • Lazy Bum: If you see me at the Krusty Krab, I'm probably taking a nap or reading my magazines. There was one time I wanted to pop SpongeBob's Bubble Buddy for making me provide excellent service!
  • Lean and Mean: I am fairly lean thanks to my having a strict diet and I have no respect for people who like to waste their miserable lives indulging in unhealthy junk like Krabby patties. ... What? What do you mean I love Krabby patties? I hate them!
  • Lethal Chef: I'm a terrible fry cook. There was one time I burnt someone's shake. And don't get me started on that Krabby Patty I made from "The Algae Is Always Greener".note 
  • Limited Wardrobe: Oh please! The only clothing I have on me is just a shirt!
  • No Matter How Much I Beg: I'm the Trope Namer for this in "The Paper" and I also provide the trope's quote page. For context, I told SpongeBob over and over not to give me the gum wrapper I threw away. Then SpongeBob does all of the impressive things with the paper and I traded all of my possessions just to get it back, only to find out I couldn't do anything SpongeBob did with it! What a bummer.
  • Never My Fault: Okay, so maybe I potentially brought my misery on myself for not being a particularly nice person, but as time went on, things just ended up getting so blown out of proportion that I really didn't do anything to deserve it. Or at least not enough.
  • Non-Action Guy: I'm not really athletic like the rest of the characters, but that's okay because I prefer playing my clarinet. Why would I bother getting myself injured doing all of these crazy stunts anyways?
  • No-Respect Guy: I'm perhaps the most rational person in the series and everyone treats me like dirt.
  • Non-Indicative Name: Don't let my name fool you; I'm an octopus, not a squid.
  • Not so Above It All: Okay, I'll admit. There are times I partake in SpongeBob's tomfoolery, and I'll end up taking the games too seriously, ruining them for everyone else.
  • One-Track-Minded Artist: All of my glorious art is focused on me. And only me!
  • Only Sane Man: Knowing that I'm Surrounded by Idiots, especially if those idiots are SpongeBob and Patrick, I'm usually the most mature and rational person in Bikini Bottom. Okay, maybe not all the time.
  • Pet the Dog: I do have my moments of compassion for others. Yes, even SpongeBob. The most famous example is when a customer drove SpongeBob to tears for forgetting his drink, and I stood up for the little guy and shoved the Krusty Krab pizza down that jerk's throat for good measure.
  • Perpetual Frowner: With how I'm treated in Bikini Bottom, it's hard to smile. Am I sure? Does this look unsure to you? *frowns* ... Speaking of which, that moment seems to have gained some kind of following, hasn't it?
  • Red Oni, Blue Oni: Not in a literal sense since I'm more aqua colored while SpongeBob is, well, yellow, but I'm the blue to his red. I am far more serious and logical than that obnoxious and impulsive hooligan.
  • Sadist: I always get my kicks out of the pain, suffering, and embarrassment that happens to SpongeBob and Patrick.
    • One time in "The Camping Episode", when the dummies were going out camping, I thought of how satisfying it would be when they get lost in the woods and never came back. It turns out they're camping close to the neighborhood!
    • I even enjoyed humiliating SpongeBob in "Fools of April" and "Little Yellow Book", though in the former, I felt awful about going overboard with that prank, but not so much about the reading his diary! Hahaha!
    • I took it to a new level in "Sportz" when I got fed up with the two's usual stupidity and invented a sports game where the numbskulls are on the receiving end of injuries, but must go by the ritual "No pain, no game", all in an attempt to get them murdered!
  • Sanity Slippage: Unfortunately, there are times when I'm not sane, like that time when I was put in charge of the Krusty Krab, though I decided to take a day off. After going back and forth to the Krusty Krab to check on SpongeBob, I slowly became insane and locked myself in my house so I won't have to go back to check on SpongeBob. Then I finally snapped when I hallucinated SpongeBob in the drain of my bathtub and I ran back to the Krusty Krab to catch up to him while in the nude. That was one moment I'd like to forget.
  • Seven Deadly Sins: Wrath, yes. Maybe pride, but you try not to be angry when you're Surrounded by Idiots (see below).
  • Slobs Versus Snobs: Snobs? You could've put a better word to describe me! Just look at Squilliam! Nonetheless, I fit the latter as I am very sophisticated and dignified unlike SpongeBob and Patrick who are a whole lot stupid and obnoxious.
  • Smart Jerk and Nice Moron: As you can tell, I'm the Smart Jerk to both SpongeBob and Patrick's Nice Morons, as I am far more intelligent and rational than the two hooligans can never be.
  • The Snark Knight: I'm always sarcastic in a messed-up world. It's how I cope, really.
  • Straw Loser: It seems that I was created to be a punching bag just to make SpongeBob and Patrick look like winners.
  • Strong as They Need to Be: I'm not known for being physically strong, but there was one time I lifted up and moved my house.
  • Supreme Chef: I'm far from a good fry cook like SpongeBob (which I really don't care about anyways), but I happen to be great at conventional baking, such as casseroles and soufflés.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: Let's face it, everybody in Bikini Bottom is a complete moron. The only people I don't have a problem with are Sandy, Pearl, and Mrs. Puff (who also hates putting up with the yellow doofus).
  • Those Two Guys: I'm sometimes paired with Mr. Krabs, especially in earlier seasons as we're both adults unlike SpongeBob and Patrick.
  • Throw the Dog a Bone: When I'm not being tormented every single episode, there are a few ones where I actually got a happy ending. "Band Geeks" is my prime example. Eat that, Squilliam! SpongeBob even gave me abs when I was a superhero and even when I was unwillingly turned back to normal!
  • Trademark Favorite Food: Canned Bread is my favorite food. And I also like smoked sausages, which is not a coincidence they are shaped like my nose.
  • Ultimate Job Security: I may very well be the trope of never being fired regardless of how poor I do my job, which I really don't care at all because I really hate my job at the Krusty Krab. I can't stand the customers who buy such low-quality food, and I'll have SpongeBob do all of the work while I nap. To tell you the truth, I actually wanted to get fired, but sadly, that will never happen. As you learned from "SpongeBob, You're Fired," the reason Mr. Krabs fired him instead of me, despite the yellow numbskull being a better employee than I am, is because I have seniority.
    • To be fair, I have tried quitting. Many, many times. But, somehow, I always end up back at penny-pincher central.
  • The Unapologetic: When I made SpongeBob cry by pulling that horrible prank on him, I felt bad, but I had a hard time apologizing to him. (And thanks to my conscience, I did.) Then I also remember making him cry by reading his work diary, and then his real diary! It was such fun! I didn't even care anymore that the whole town was assaulting me for it.
  • Ungrateful Bastard: It didn't matter if SpongeBob and Patrick did something to make up for ruining my day, I still lash out at them. Sometimes, I'm wrong for this, but in other cases, the nice things they've done for me will ruin my day even further.
  • Unstoppable Rage: There are times I get mad whenever SpongeBob and Patrick ruin my day, but there are even times when I really lose it when I just couldn't take any more of their antics. Trust me, it's not a pretty sight for them.
  • Vague Age: I'm usually seen as older than SpongeBob due to my maturity, but depending on the episode, I'm either the same age as him or around the middle ages due to my grouchy neighbor status. How unrealistic.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Oh puh-leeze, I'm not friends with that obnoxious yellow oaf! Okay, maybe there are times when I sorta like the little weirdo, but he can't know that. At least not if he doesn't already. (SpongeBob: Aw, Squidward! That was touching! I'm so glad we're friends!) What are you doing here, SpongeBob? Go back to your page! You know they won't let you bother me as much here!

Whew, good thing that was one of the easier times I've told him. I think I'm gonna like this place just fine. You might as well leave too unless you have any other tropes to add. I heard there are things here that are more harmful to you than me.

Alternative Title(s): Sponge Bob Square Pants Squidward Tentacles

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