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"How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?"
Me on my annoying, inconsiderate neighbors.
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Hello there. My name is Squidward Q. Tentacles, Bikini Bottom's resident artist, clarinet player, and Supreme Chef extraordinare. My talents would probably be more recognized if it wasn't for my obnoxious next-door neighbors, SpongeBob and Patrick, and the fact that I'm forced to spend my weekdays trapped in the prison of high cholesterol that is the Krusty Krab. All I ever want in life is peace and quiet, but between being stuck at that cash register all day and forced to put up with that annoying sponge's overly cheerful attitude, getting my wish is never easy.

Oh, and if that's not enough, that stuck-up snob Squilliam Fancyson always thinks he can be better than me by showing me up every chance he gets. Served him right when I put together that marching band and blew everyone away at the Bubble Bowl!

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How about you read this in the voice of Rodger Bumpass, my incredibly talented voice actor? At least it'll be different from that French narrator who keeps butting in on my everyday life!

Artistically unique tropes that apply to me:

  • Abusive Parents: Grandparents, actually. My grandmother wasn't kind to me. In "Chum Fricassee", after finding out I've been using her chum recipe, she attacks me by hitting my foot with her walker frequently.
  • Accidental Truth: One time, after SpongeBob's non-stop laughing nearly drove me insane, I made up a lie to him that if he didn't can it with the laughter, he'd blow out his "laugh box" and never be able to laugh again. Too bad it came back to haunt me after I revealed the trick and laughed over it. How was I supposed to know laugh boxes were real?
  • Actually Pretty Funny: As much as square-for-brains can't get through his squishy yellow head about what I obviously think about him, I guess I am amazed about how far he's willing to think otherwise. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.
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  • Agony of the Feet: In "House Fancy", that yellow dimwit crushed my foot with a table and ripped off my toenail! Ugh! The internet community was pretty grossed out by that scene, and I can't blame them. As a matter of fact, how did I grow out a toenail? I know we get a closer look sometimes, but... Even to this day I wonder if it was still worth getting to win against Squiliam. That’s not really something I should be having second thoughts about.
  • All of the Other Reindeer: Where do I even begin? Between those moronic neighbors of mine constantly putting me down, my cheapskate boss forcing me to stand at that register all day without any compensation, and the people of Bikini Bottom's irrational hatred of me, it seems like nobody wants to respect me!
  • Arch-Enemy: I may have flat-out said that I consider SpongeBob to be the bane of my existence, but he's still just a loser neighbor. If there's anyone more qualified for this, which may or may not be saying something, it would have to be Squilliam. I can at least remember how long he's been tormenting me, namely back in high school.
  • Amazing Technicolor Wildlife: Well not really, I might look blue at first glance, but it's only because I live underwater. When SpongeBob was messing around with his stupid reef blower, he made me turn purple without any water!
  • Animals Hate Me: That yellow idiot's moronic snail actually attacks me, and when those morons brought me on their camping trip, I was constantly attacked and nearly mauled to death by a Sea Bear! Although, I guess I did set him off by wearing a sombrero in a goofy fashion and screeching like a chimpanzee.
  • Not Annoying At All Laugh: My laugh is NOT annoying, it's just very honky sounding because of my nose.
  • Anti-Hero: I admit it, I'm rather cranky, sarcastic, and hate everyone around me, but sometimes I show that I'm a good person deep down.
  • Anti-Villain: Don't remind me. Apparently, I'm supposed to be an antagonist just because I despise that yellow doofus, even though he keeps bothering me all the time!
  • Attention Whore: OK fine, when I'm not keeping to myself, I like to demand people's attention by displaying interpretive dancing or playing my clarinet really loudly. There, I said it!
  • Beautiful Dreamer: Or so my neighbors think. I do look very attractive, if I do say so myself.
  • Berserk Button: Go ahead, take a wild guess who and/or what.
  • Good Neighbor Instinct: Sometimes, I can show that I do care for SpongeBob, like when I tried to make it up to him when he was sad about Christmas. When me and SpongeBob were about to be murdered by the "Hash-Slinging Slasher", I actually hugged him. I did it in fear, OK?
    • Oh, and I schemed with Mr Krabs to humiliate that buffoon into never going near the hooks again. Harsh? Yes. Possibly life-saving? Definitely.
    • After a rude customer made him cry after we went through Davy Jone's Locker to deliver him a pizza, I decided to give him a piece of my mind and knocked that ungrateful jerk out.
  • Born Unlucky: It goes without saying. Will I ever go a day without getting injured, humiliated, or suffering some kind of misery?
  • Break the Haughty: I admit! My arrogance and jerky attitude does get the better of me very, very often!
  • Brilliant, but Lazy: Hey, I CAN win the employee of the month award if I wanted to! I just don't care to do any work because the award is just a big scam!
  • Bullying the Dragon: Looking back on "The Camping Episode", I regret my decision to deliberately provoke the seabear! Needless to say, it DIDN'T end well for me! Please don't remind me again! The same can be said with dealing with Patrick's big dumb sister.
  • Bungled Suicide: I don't know why everyone thought I would kill myself when I stuck my head in the oven and put up a bird cage. Let’s be honest, as miserable as my life may be, I probably would’ve done it a long time ago. I've even survived plenty of other stuff that should have killed me. Sometimes I wonder if the sources of my misery, such as those two morons, are actually keeping me alive... For the wrong reasons, of course.
  • Burger Fool: Well, that's what happens when you work at the Krusty Krab!
  • Butt-Monkey: I solely exist just to be the show's punching bag. How wonderful is that?
  • Cannot Tell a Joke: I'm able to tell a joke, but it falls flat due to my lack of enthusiasm. Oh well.
  • Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them: As much as I can't stand that yellow headache SpongeBob, there was a time I do miss being around him. "Squidville" comes to mind.
  • The Comically Serious: Being surrounded in a wacky world full of annoying idiots is so amusing to the viewers. Whatever.
  • Cosmic Plaything: It seems the heavens above created me to be their plaything. You don't know how horrible it is. I may not be a nice person, but it’s still more than I actually deserve.
  • Cranky Neighbor: Thanks to living next door to a yellow doofus who will never leave me alone, I'm the most iconic example of this trend. They might as well rename it "The Squidward", but it's usually the other way around.
  • Crouching Moron, Hidden Badass: Who're you calling a moron!? Well, anyway, I'm not exactly the most intimidating guy around, but if I see the Green Sun of Neptune, I turn into a giant feral octopus that is one of the biggest and most dangerous creatures in Bikini Bottom.
  • Deadpan Snarker: I never hold back my sharp wits against those who are annoyingly moronic, especially SpongeBob and Patrick, but their little brains can't comprehend sarcasm.
  • Dirty Coward: Dirty? Well, excuse you! When the world is so messed up, do you expect me to just stick around? I don't think so.
  • Dreadful Musician: Oh, everyone's a critic. Well, I'll have you know I'm a decent clarinet player. The mood I'm in only depends on how well I play it, not that I sound awful.
  • Enraged by Idiocy: When you're stuck with two simpletons like SpongeBob and Patrick, yes, you know I'll get mad.
  • Everyone Has Standards: As much as SpongeBob bothers me to no end, I was shocked and disgusted that Mr. Krabs would sell his soul for 62 cents.
  • Friendship Denial: It doesn't matter if we're neighbors, that doesn't mean I'm SpongeBob's friend, and I never will be! Sadly, that imbecile can't take a hint.
  • Get Out!: Whenever SpongeBob and Patrick happen to wander in my house, I always tell them this. Trust me, I deal with this every day.
  • Green and Mean: Hey, I'm not that bad of a guy! However, my skin color is somewhere in-between the aquamarine and teal range, and my "meanness" is more out of irritation rather than villainy.
  • Grumpy Bear: When you live in-between two annoying neighbors, it's hard for me to lighten up.
  • Hair-Trigger Temper: Sometimes, I get mad easily, mainly by SpongeBob and Patrick's stupid antics.
  • Hates Being Touched: Unfortunately, my aversion for physical contact doesn't stop SpongeBob cuddling me. Ugh!
  • Hates Everyone Equally: Yes, I really do. It's only personal if you annoy me enough times.
  • Jerkass: It's really hard to be a nice person when everyone around you is a bumbling idiot.
  • Jerkass Has a Point: It's not hard to understand why I'm not a pleasant fellow. Let me enlighten you.
    • I work at a low-paying minimum wage job, I'm a victim of bad luck, I have two idiot neighbors who bother me endlessly, and Squilliam always rubs his rich lifestyle in my face.
    • You can find my anger and annoyance towards SpongeBob to be understandable considering that he does things like borderline stalking. I even had to report the police on him for that.
    • Unlike SpongeBob, I have a more realistic attitude towards working at the Krusty Krab, since Mr. Krabs is a cheapskate who hardly pays us and treats me and SpongeBob horribly.
  • Jerkass Realization: I remember that time I pulled a cruel prank on SpongeBob which made him cry. I wasn't proud of that.
  • Jerkass to One: I'm a lot ruder to SpongeBob than I am with others, even Patrick who's just as annoying as him, but only dumber than him. Can you blame me? I not only live next door to him, but we're also co-workers, meaning that I have to deal with him bugging me and tormenting me with his tomfoolery day in and day out.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Sure, I may be a cranky, grouchy, and somewhat arrogant, but I can be a compassionate and courteous individual as long as you don't annoy me.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Jerk: Sometimes, anyways. In "What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?", I was the only one who was happy of driving SpongeBob to leave Bikini Bottom, and even ruin the others' chances in bringing him back home. Then I decided to help bring the yellow twit back...only because Mr. Krabs promised to reward me with a fancy egg I needed for my collection. Too bad that egg broke on SpongeBob head which brought back his memories. Doooh! Well, if it makes you feel better, I did end up deciding to throw my brain in the trash.
  • Laser-Guided Karma: In the old seasons, bad things happen to me because I was being a total jerk. Nowadays, I get unfairly punished.
  • Lazy Bum: If you see me at the Krusty Krab, I'm probably taking a nap or reading my magazines. There was one time I wanted to pop SpongeBob's Bubble Buddy for making me provide excellent service!
  • No Matter How Much I Beg: I'm the Trope Namer for this in "The Paper" and I also provide the trope's quote page. For context, I told SpongeBob over and over not to give me the gum wrapper I threw away. Then SpongeBob does all of the impressive things with the paper and I traded all of my possessions just to get it back, only to find out I couldn't do anything SpongeBob did with it! What a bummer.
  • Never My Fault: Okay, so maybe I potentially brought my misery on myself for not being a particularly nice person, but as time went on, things just ended up getting so blown out of proportion that I really didn't do anything to deserve it. Or at least not enough.
  • Non-Action Guy: I'm not really athletic like the rest of the characters, but that's okay because I prefer playing my clarinet. Why would I bother getting myself injured doing all of these crazy stunts anyways?
  • Not So Above It All: Okay, I'll admit. There are times I partake in SpongeBob's tomfoolery, and I'll end up taking the games too seriously, ruining them for everyone else.
  • Only Sane Man: Knowing that I'm Surrounded by Idiots, especially if those idiots are SpongeBob and Patrick, I'm usually the most mature and rational person in Bikini Bottom. Okay, maybe not all the time.
  • Pet the Dog: I do have my moments of compassion for others. Yes, even SpongeBob. The most famous example is when a customer drove SpongeBob to tears for forgetting his drink, and I stood up for the little guy, and shove the Krusty Krab pizza down that jerk's throat for good measure.
  • Perpetual Frowner: With how I'm treated in Bikini Bottom, it's hard to smile. Am I sure? Does this look unsure to you? *frowns* ... Speaking of which, that moment seems to have gained some kind of following, hasn't it?
  • Sadist: I always get my kicks out of the pain, suffering, and embarrassment that happens to SpongeBob and Patrick.
    • One time in "The Camping Episode", when the dummies were going out camping, I thought of how satisfying it would be when they get lost in the woods and never came back. It turns out they're camping close to the neighborhood!
    • I even enjoyed humiliating SpongeBob in "Fools of April" and "Little Yellow Book", though the former, I felt awful about going overboard with that prank, but not so much about the reading his diary! Hahaha!
    • I took it to a new level in "Sportz" when I got tired of the two's usual stupidity and invented a sports game where the numbskulls are on the receiving end of injuries, but must go by the ritual "No pain, no game", all in an attempt to get them murdered!
  • Slobs vs. Snobs: Snobs? You've could've put a better word to describe me! Nonetheless, I fit the latter as I am sophisticated and dignified unlike SpongeBob and Patrick who are a whole lot stupid and obnoxious.
  • Smart Jerk and Nice Moron: As you can tell, I'm the Smart Jerk to both SpongeBob and Patrick's Nice Morons, as I am far more intelligent and rational than the two hooligans can never be.
  • Straw Loser: It seems that I was created to be a punching bag just to make SpongeBob and Patrick look like winners.
  • Supreme Chef: I'm far from a good fry cook like SpongeBob (which I really don't care about anyways), but I happen to be great at conventional baking, such as casseroles and soufflés.
  • Surrounded by Idiots: Let's face it, everybody in Bikini Bottom are complete morons. The only people I don't have a problem with are Sandy, Pearl, and Mrs. Puff (who also hates putting up with the yellow doofus).
  • Those Two Guys: I'm sometimes paired with Mr. Krabs, especially in earlier seasons as we're both adults unlike SpongeBob and Patrick.
  • Throw the Dog a Bone: When I'm not being tormented every single episode, there are a few ones where I actually got a happy ending. "Band Geeks" is my prime example. Eat that, Squilliam!
  • Ultimate Job Security: I may very well be the trope of never being fired regardless of how poor I do my job, which I really don't care at all because I really hate my job at the Krusty Krab. I can't stand the customers who buy such low-quality food, and I'll have SpongeBob do all of the work while I nap. To tell you the truth, I actually wanted to get fired, but sadly, that will never happen. As you learned from "SpongeBob, You're Fired," the reason Mr. Krabs fired him instead of me, despite the yellow numbskull being a better employee than I am, is because I have seniority.
  • The Unapologetic: When I made SpongeBob cry by pulling that horrible prank on him, I felt bad, but I had a hard time to apologize to him. (And thanks to my conscience, I did.) Then I also remember making him cry by reading his diary, and then his real diary! It was such fun! I didn't even care anymore that the whole town was assaulting me for it.
  • Ungrateful Bastard: It didn't matter if SpongeBob and Patrick did something to make up for ruining my day, I still lash out on them. Sometimes, I'm wrong for this, but in other cases, the nice things they've done for me will ruin my day even further.
  • Unstoppable Rage: There are times I get mad whenever SpongeBob and Patrick ruin my day, but there are even times when I really lose it when I just couldn't take anymore of their antics. Trust me, it's not a pretty sight for them.
  • Vague Age: I'm usually seen as older than SpongeBob due to my maturity, but depending on the episode, I'm either the same age as him or around the middle-ages due to my grouchy neighbor status. How unrealistic.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: Oh puh-leeze, I'm not friends with that obnoxious yellow oaf! Okay, maybe there are times where I sorta like the little weirdo, but he can't know that. At least not if he doesn't already.

Alternative Title(s): Sponge Bob Square Pants Squidward Tentacles

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