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Self Demonstrating / Kano

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(To get the full Kano experience, one can read this page in the voice of Michael McConnohie, JB Blanc, Trevor Goddard, Darren Shalavi, or either Ricardo Tejedo, Santos Alberto or Daniel del Roble if you speak Spanish.)

'Ello there, troper mate. I think you know who I am, otherwise you'd run away at the sight of my shivs.

I'm just checking that you haven't mixed me up with my lovely Sonya or her Mini-Me, Mr. America or that Hollywood galah. Sounds like dragon boy, soul stealer, Shirai Ryu and Lin Kuei bastards didn't catch your eye either.

As I was told, there have been actually two timelines where I was at the top of the Black Dragon. Hollywood refers to them as the First Run and the Second Run. I'm not ashamed about stealing his words, so I refer to them like this too.

So, where to begin? Oh right, in 1992, when me and six other people were invited to the Mortal Kombat tournament hosted by a bloke named Shang Tsung. I didn't give a rat's arse about winning the bloody thing, I just wanted the gold the sorcerer hid in his palace. Now that was a jackpot I had to get my hands on. And also there was one sheila named Sonya Blade. Oh, we've got quite a history together, after I opened up her partner's throat, ear to ear.

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Unfortunately, the Shaolin monk won the whole thing, and I had to bail with no money and Sonya chasing after me. We got captured by the Outworld forces and chained up in Shao Kahn's coliseum. At least I could spit on her with no retaliation. Eventually that monk won again and Jax broke us out only to put the damn cuffs on my wrists.

Luckily for me, they got attacked on their way to Earthrealm, so I took my chance and ran off. Shao Kahn's lap dogs offered me a choice: lose me head or serve them. Like any sane bloke, I picked the second option, and then had to go back to home sweet home to help with the invasion. I also met my boy Kabal, only he was burnt to a crisp and wasn't chuffed to see me again. Sonya and I crossed paths again on a bloody skyscraper, and that bitch tossed me from the roof, but I managed to get myself a souvenir from that: cut off her damn hair.

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I was munted after that, thought to be dead, and the Special Forces bastards chased after Jarek, giving me time to pull myself together. Back in Outworld I was still on Shao Kahn's payroll when Shang Tsung and Quan Chi offed him and that Shaolin. I didn't feel particularly bad about it, so when they offered me a job, I went for it. They've also brought in Daegon's lap dog Mavado into this, and I've got word that he gutted Kabal and took his blades. We clashed, but that bastard got me. I was brought to Daegon's fortress when they experimented on me like I was some rat. Luckily, I got out, and a word was that whoever defeats the fiery bastard at the top of some pyramid will get godlike power. I came, I saw... and I got killed.

But before Shao Kahn got the prize and smashed Raiden's head to bits, Sparky got thunderstruck and sent a message to himself in the past.

Now begins the Second Run. Almost the same as before, except the actor got in my way a lot more often. Tossed the bastard off a bridge and was about to gut Sonya when he came back and went all kung-fu on me. Then things started getting interesting. Kabal got burnt again, so I brought him to Outworld and fixed him up. That ungrateful yobbo stabbed me in the back again. Shao Kahn brought his sheila Back from the Dead and gave her Shang Tsung's power. She butchered almost everyone except Cage and Sonya, while Raiden fried his champion to death. Finger-licking Liu, I'd say. So, when Shao Kahn bit the dirt again, I decided to lay low and take some contracts in Outworld.

Shinnok came and went, Cage and Sonya were shagging, had a daughter, so did Mr. America when he got un-zombified. I, on the other hand, was busy with conflicts in Outworld, serving both Mileena and Kotal. Those budgers didn't even think I was playing them. I had some bizzo in Earthrealm with the Kamidogu, leaving a nice scar over Subby's eye. Got both little girls, but was foiled by Mavado. Nuked a Shokan army for Kotal, but that ungrateful swine threw me into the dungeon. He still needed me, so I was freed.

I figured that getting my hands on Shinnok's amulet would make bank, so I stole the damn thing from Raiden and sold it to Mileena. That got me a huge pile of gold and an assassination contract for Kotal's head. It didn't work, and I've decided to lay low in Earthrealm with the refugees, but Sonya got me and tossed me into the slammer.

I've been always the type of bloke who wants to keep his hide safe and his pockets full, so when our lady Kronika came knocking on my door and offered me to make the Black Dragon come out on top in every market, I just had to take the deal. She even brought back my good friend Kabal before he got all righteous and deep fried, as well as Erron Black when he was still on my payroll. But the biggest surprise was... me. Yeah, she snatched my younger self from the past and put him in my time. It's always good to have another me around.

So we paid a visit to the Special Forces base. Shame Sonya got killed before I could spill her guts on the floor, but at least her younger self was brought from the past as well, along with Hollywood. We took them both prisoner and left to Russia, where my comrades would pay a nice buck to see them fight.

Everything was going fine, I spun a yarn to Kabal so that he'd be motivated to cut Sonya to ribbons, but the boy racer always had more balls than wits, and Blondie took him out. Just before she and Hollywood got to kill each other, Cage 2.0 stormed our fight klub. Now when I got my hands on Johnny Boy, I could gut him so that I could take three foes out in a tick, but Sonya got to me first and put a slug through me younger self's eye. He died, I died, end of story. Now my only hope is that Liu Kang creates a new timeline and brings me back, so don't think that's the last you've heard of me.

I've been in films too, the so-called Cage Cinematic Universe... that galah just can't help it, can he? You might've watched that one movie, otherwise I wouldn't be an Aussie. All respect to Trevor. Next time, I won't ask Sonya to give me a break, although she's saved me from appearing in the rubbish sequel. Also, that one series on the Internet where Briggs punched me bloody eye out. And that cartoon in a cuppa episodes.

Wouldn't you believe it? I've had a go at those costumed superheroes, including one speed demon that would give Kabal a run for his money, and deal with the Dark Kahn bizzo. Pretty mental, eh? And later I've learned the boy in blue went full dingbat after his shiela and city got vaporized by a nuke, turned all tyrant and rounded up crooks to spread order across the whole bloody world. Shame, although selling guns there would be easy, and that Bane bloke is a damn ripper, fit to join the ranks of the Black Dragon. I've got the just offer for him. And I also get to carve another smile in that bastard clown's neck, so it's easy money for me.

I see you didn't get your knickers all twisted up looking at me, so you want to stick around. Time's money, so let's get to the tropes.

  • 0% Approval Rating: No one has to like me to work with me. Everyone can get desperate enough to require my services, so they put up with me.
  • Abhorrent Admirer: All those sheilas think they're some goddesses who deserve better than me. Have to show them what the real man looks like.
  • Abusive Parents: My little bastard's decided to be the part of my clan, so it's only fitting his own old man has to rough him up.
  • Ain't Too Proud to Beg: Yeah nah. Kano doesn't grovel, not even once.
  • And Show It to You: When you rip out some bloke's heart, you gotta look him in the eye to see the real fear. Kali ma shakti de, mate.
  • Animal Motifs: I've been called a dog many times. I mark my territory, I'm determined, ruthless, and loyal... to myself.
  • Arch-Enemy:
    • I'm at the top of the Special Forces' most wanted list. My lovely Sonya wants to strangle me for slitting his partner's throat, and Briggs cost me an eye, so both of them are after my hide. I'm not going down without a fight, so blood will be shed.
    • Daegon and his Red Dragon dags are always a pain in the arse.
    • Last, and the least, is Hollywood. Oh, he gets going off like a bucket of prawns in the sun when I threaten his daughter or Sonya. Thought he'd value his arse more than them.
  • Arms Dealer: Guns bring us a lot of money, so we've got them in stock, ready to ship to any country or realm.
  • Awesome Aussie: In good old Australia, born and raised, in the Outback was where I spent most of my days.
  • Badass Normal: I've got nothing more than a pair of shanks, a bloody robotic eye with a good battery and a knack for survival. Takes more than a god to bury me.
  • Bald of Evil: I sometimes shave me head, to keep it clean and lice-free. I don't always have time to shower.
  • Beard of Evil: Now that's a nice beard I have here. Sometimes I get bored of it and shave it off.
  • Beat Still, My Heart: I always get thrills while holding some drongo's beating heart in my hand.
  • Berserk Button: Now, I'm not the bloke to go crook easy. Beat me up? I'll get up after that. Threaten me? Bah, heard all sorts of shit in my life. But when some dole bludger thinks he's more fit to lead the Black Dragon than me, I crack a darkie and start cracking heads.
  • Bicep-Polishing Gesture: Usually gets people pissed off so that they try to clobber me in the head, not expecting a shank in their arm.
  • Blade Below the Shoulder: Had some blades on my elbows during the time Shinnok broke out again, they weren't much of a use.
  • Boring, but Practical: You may say I'm not creative or lazy, but offing a bloke doesn't have to be all flashy, you just have to snuff their life out.
  • The Brute: I'm not exactly called to formulate tactics or strategies, I'm the bloke who you call to get you firepower or manpower.
  • Bullying a Dragon:
    • Shouldn't have told Sonya I'd shank her baby girl in the gut when I was at her base... would spare me some bruises.
    • And that time when I asked Sonya to give me a break... she gave it to me, all right. What a wowser.
    • And when I was about to spill Hollywood's guts on the floor when Sonya pointed a gun at the younger me. Also shouldn't have said their girl will go poof. Instead he got shot, and I turned into dust. Maybe I should've thought it through better,
  • Card-Carrying Villain: I lie, I cheat, I steal... and I also win. There's no shame in being immoral. That pesky conscience isn't worth a bloody dime, so ditching it is a great option when you're going to the the top. Call me a blight on humanity, I'll laugh in your face.
  • Carpet of Virility: Look at this chest. A real man doesn't shave it, unlike that prissy Hollywood.
  • Censored for Comedy: You think it's funny to censor me, you f**king wankers? All because Australia didn't allow the games to be sold? F**k off with that.
  • Chronic Backstabbing Disorder: My loyalty's always for sale. You just have to make the right offer, and we'll be mates... until someone else promises me something better.
  • Combat Pragmatist: Always bring a knife to a fist fight, and if that doesn't work, just get a minigun to turn everyone into minced meat.
  • Cyborg: Not as much as those Cyber Lin Kuei blokes, but I've got some enhancements of me own... namely this nice eye to replace the one plucked out by Briggs. I've changed it several times, and this little thing on my chest isn't a cybernetic heart, just a battery powering my tech.
  • Deadpan Snarker: I've seen so much shit in my life nothing fazes me anymore, so it's better to take everything as a joke.
  • Dead Guy Puppet: Why not have a little fun when a dag's bleeding to death by inviting him to an Outback-style tango?
  • Disney Villain Death: Got dropped down at the Pyramid, most likely made a nice stain.
  • The Don: I've built a black market empire, mate. Everyone who wants our protection has to come to me and kiss the dirt.
  • Dual Wielding: Two shanks in your hands is better than one.
  • Electronic Eyes: Tin Man cost me a good eye. Instead I've got this little gizmo, and it works just fine. Can even shoot lasers, mate.
  • Excrement Statement: I take a piss before taking a piss out of anyone.
  • Eye Beam: As I've said, in addition to all these bloody good functions my eye has, it can also fire heat lasers that can burn through flesh and concrete. I've even killed that copper with it at the Pyramid.
  • Eye Scream: Mr. America plucked my eye out, and it hurt like a bitch. Thankfully, I got a shiny metal one, but then Subby shattered it, and I had to get a cold-proof one.
  • A Father to His Men: My followers love me like I'm their dad, and a good father always brings his kids gifts for Christmas, that being some hefty bags of bucks. Take Kabal, for example. The boy racer was practically eating out of my hand when I told him Sonya was the one who scorched his mug. But like any good father, when kids get unruly, I get to spank them, and by that I mean "shoving a shank into their gut".
  • Faux Affably Evil: We can be cracking open a cold one and shooting the shit, yeah, but that doesn't mean you're completely safe. Who knows, maybe you've got a nice bounty for your head, and I might be just the one who's gonna collect it.
  • Gadgeteer Genius: Don't think I'm just a bogan... well, I do want you to think that, but that's the bloody point. Anyway, I'm handy with gadgets. After all, I built that respirator for Kabal when he got turned into a toast, I was also brought in by Kronika to create an army of Sektors.
  • Gatling Good: Got myself a nice minigun to turn the Cage family into Swiss cheese... almost worked.
  • Grievous Bottley Harm: Stubbies make good shanks when you break them over a wanker's head and shove it into their throat.
  • Guys Are Slobs: You think I'm a grot, eh? S'pose so, but you gotta see the looks on their faces when I take a leak on the floor. Not my problem there are no dunnys nearby, and I'm always chugging from a stubbie. The princess may complain, but I ain't listening.
  • Honest John's Dealership: I sell guns, but nobody promised they'd be in a good condition. All sales final, Baraka.
  • I Fight for the Strongest Side: You may think that I only fight for those who have the most advantages, no matter who I get pit against. Nah, 's not like that. As long I get my money, I'll fight for them, but if the other side has a better offer, I will take it and shank their enemies on the way out.
  • I Am the Noun: I am the Black Dragon, and that's undisputed. No one can ever take that away from me.
  • Image Song: "Kano, Use Your Might"! Makes me out to be some sort of "fallen angel", but that's all shite.
  • Jerkass: Guilty as charged. I'm not denying that I am a selfish bastard out only for me skin... but I'm a lovable bastard all the same.
  • Killed Off for Real: Shame Kronika had to bring a past me into her mess... he died, I carked it. Wonder if the Shaolin will bring me back in the next run.
  • Knife Nut: Save those Crocodile Dundee jokes for later. I love me some knives, and they love me back. I'm an artist that only works with the colour red.
  • Lack of Empathy: I'm only after my own interests. About caring for others... never did, never will.
  • Large Ham: I like to live large and go bungers, so I'm always fun at the barbie. Laughing with me is all fine, laughing at me... well, that's one way to get a knife in your gut.
  • Loony Fan: What? Are you saying that I was Cage's fan in the comics? That's bollocks, mate. And to think I'd go crook on him for not recognising me as a fan? Now that's mental. Tremor loves that rubbish, not me.
  • Made of Evil: The burned man and the Nature Girl said my soul is pitch black and void of light. It made me think for a moment, but then I just realised I'll bloody die when my time comes, so it doesn't matter.
  • Millionaire Playboy: I'm the damn richest yobbo in the Earthrealm, as I told the sorcerer. My gadgets are worth a good quid, and nukes aren't cheap, either.
  • The Mafiya: Not one of them, but my Russian comrades pay a nice buck to see the bloodfights, so I've decided to set up shop there. Even Hollywood admits that's a smart move.
  • Moe Greene Special: Sonya got my worse half in the bloody eye... shame I had to die, too.
  • Nice Job Fixing It, Villain!:
    • So the one time I defeated Shao Kahn and took his place as the boss, I didn't expect all the souls he collected would kill me. A king for a day... that's sad, but I saved the world... not that it made any difference.
    • When Kabal got burned, I saved his life by getting Shang Tsung to patch him up and built a breathing apparatus for him. All I wanted was some bloody gratefulness from him, but that drongo became a copper and told me to rack off. No good deed goes unpunished, mate.
  • No-Nonsense Nemesis: Hollywood and Sonya Two get mad as a cut snake once they see me. They just know I can throw better jokes at them that they can manage.
  • Nuke 'em: I introduced Kintaro and his army to the wonderful thing known as "nuclear power". Half of them gone in a poof and a mushroom.
  • Older Than They Look: So, I was 35 when I got the letter from Shang Tsung... so when Shinnok set up his carousel for the second time, I was sixty. Still a ripper.
  • Only in It for the Money: There's not enough money in the world to sate me, so when there's a chance to make a quick buck, I jump on it.
  • Pet the Dog:
    • Say what you want, but I actually like Kabal. The boy racer's got some promise, even if he quit our gig at one point. After he got a crispy crust, I got Shang Tsung to save his life and built him a respirator. I thought he'd appreciate it, that ungrateful yobbo.
    • When I got wind of Kabal's apparent death at the hands of Mavado, I was ready to gut him with my bare hands, but unfortunately for me, he was some sort of a big man in the Outworld army.
    • Hell, I even let Kronika off the hook in the timeline I defeated her. Just figured she's more handy with the Hourglass than I am.
  • Playing Both Sides: Now that's an option that pays the best. Mileena paid me, Kotal paid me, I got double the money for half the effort. I do it everywhere I go, sell guns to every side in the conflict to make a good buck.
  • Psycho for Hire: The fun's not just in getting the money, it's also in cutting whingers to ribbons.
  • The Quisling: Allying with the Outworld? Piece of piss. Earthrealm never really accepted me, so might as well apply for permanent residency.
  • Race Lift: Right then, so I was an American bloke raised in Japan in the first three games, but after Trevor ol' boy (rest in peace, mate) played me as a ripper from the Oz, it stuck.
  • Reduced to Ratburgers: We live in a world where you have to do everything on the run, especially wining and dining. Being deprived of good tucker made me appreciate lizards more than I thought.
  • Ripple Effect Indicator: Imagine you get your bloody eye blown out by a bullet, along with a chunk of your head. You die, your future self dies, no more fun times. That's exactly what happened to me when Sonya put a slug through my past self's noggin.
  • Rolling Attack: Ah yes, the Kano Ball. My specialty, and I'm bloody good at it.
  • Sore Loser: Esky Boy never scored a win over me, my damn implants glitched when I was about to gut him. So I've got some cold-proof tech to settle the score.
  • Straw Nihilist: We're all gonna die in the end, so why be a goody two-shoes when you can make bank and live like a king.
  • Tattooed Crook: Like the tats? My body tells a story of how I became the boss of the Black Dragon, so yeah, gotta wear my brand on my skin.
  • Throat-Slitting Gesture: Like a blue bloke said, "Finger to the throat means death!" I love metaphors.
  • Trademark Favorite Food: According to the bloke who portrayed me in the early games, I love the White Castle burgers. Bah, cheap American rubbish.
  • Troll: I enjoy seein' other people's misery while I'm not suffering meself. It's a staple of comedy, and eveyone laughs when someone else suffers. Human condition, mate.
  • Use Your Head: I was told by my teachers to use my head. Well, I took the point and started to beat people to death with my noggin.
  • Victory Is Boring: When life stops throwing surprises at you and everything's coming up aces, it sucks the fun out of things. Without a fight winning is worthless. The fun isn't just in the having, it's also in the getting.
  • Walking Shirtless Scene: Do you think I need to hide this beaut under shirts? No, let the sheilas take it in, that's a real man you're looking at.
  • Wrestler in All of Us: I like watching blokes throw each other around the ring, and I've learned a couple of moves from them. Powerslams, powerbombs, suplexes, I've got it all. Wonder if Triple H is gonna give me a call...
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