Eh, what's all this now? "Self-Demonstrating Page?" Bah, darned new-fangled Interweb contraption, should've never let that dog drag this stupid computer-whatzit in here! All a man needs is his TV, chair and newspaper, that's what I say! Nevermind, if you have to know, my name is Eustace Bagge, farmer by profession. I'm married to Muriel Bagge, and together we live on a farm in the middle of Nowhere, alongside a
certain annoying dog, much to my frustration! With all that being said, this page is best read in the voice of Lionel G. Wilson, Arthur Anderson, or whoever else has voiced me.
Bah, so here's all these "tropes" that apparently apply to me, whatever that means!:
- Aesop Amnesia: I don't need to learn any darn lessons! I'm fine the way I am, dagnabbit!
- Anti-Role Model: Bah! Who wants to be a good role model anyhow?!
- Asshole Victim: Hey, watch your language, you punks! Okay, bad stuff seems to keep happening to me, so what?!
- A Real Man Is a Killer: I tried to become a hunter, just like me older brother was, but somehow, even the darn deer managed to turn the tables on me!
- Aw, Look! They Really Do Love Each Other: HEY, my marriage ain't none of you punks' business! I'm a married man, that's all ya need to know!
- Bad People Abuse Animals: I ain't bad! But animals need a firm hand, especially when they act out like that stupid dog does, you gotta show 'em who's boss!
- Bald of Evil: Hey, who're you callin' bald?!
- Baldness Angst: Bah, you'd be self-conscious about it too if you'd been bald like a plucked chicken since childhood!
- Berserk Button: I got lots, but you all know by now that that stupid dog is the most common one.
- How dare you say I'm not a good farmer?! I got green thumbs, dontch'a know!
- Don't touch my chair if you know what's good for ya!
- I ain't bald, darnit!
- Big Eater: Hey, farmin' is a man's job, and it works up an appetite!
- Blah, Blah, Blah: That's what I always say! You got a problem with it?
- Bullying a Dragon: Who cares if those stupid ugly monsters are more powerful than me? I still will taunt them every chance they get, because they're nothing without their powers!
- Butt-Monkey: Hey! Who you callin' a monkey's butt?!
- Captain Oblivious: Blah! Those monsters don't fool me! They're just stupid tricksters in disguise! note Fred Jones: Villains don't always wear costumes.
- The Chew Toy: Now that's just foolish, that sounds like something for that darn dog instead of me!
- Cool Mask: That's right! My good ole Ooga Booga mask! So cool that it always scares that stupid dog! OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!
- Deadpan Snarker: Gee! Ya think?!
- Dirty Coward: Who are you calling a coward?! You think I'm just going to face those ugly-looking creatures on my own?! No sir!
- Does Not Like Spam: I hate eggplants! And carrots!
- Enemy Mine: As much as I don't like to admit it, there have been times where me and Courage have teamed up on more than one occasion.
- Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas: Eh, she may be a horrid shrew, and she likes the dog more than me, but she's still me Ma!
- Even Evil Has Standards: ...I ain't no softie, but ain't no one should just lose their parents like that, not even the stupid dog. Me Ma might not have liked me, but at least she was still there.
- A boy with no hat? That ain't right, a boy should have a hat, at least!
- Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep": Why the heck does everyone call me "The Farmer?" Do they not see my name in this here page?!
- Fearless Fool: Screw those ugly, unnatural things, whatever they are! They don't threaten me!
- Four Eyes, Zero Soul: Bah! Who needs a stupid soul?!
- Freudian Excuse: Hey! You'd be grumpy too if your mother never liked you and your brother always picked on you during your childhood!
- Greed: Hey! I gots to have this very important thing called money!
- Grumpy Old Man: Grr! Gee, wonder what gave it away!
- Hair-Trigger Temper: Grrr! I'm warning you! Do anything to anger me and I'll....
- Hate Sink: I'm only around for you stupid audience to have someone to hate! I hate you too!
- Heavy Sleeper: Heavy, huh? Come to think of it, I don't remember any of the noises while I was sleeping...
- Hey, You!: Courage! What a stupid name for a stupid scaredy-dog! I mostly like calling him a "stupid dog!" It fits him much better!
- Hidden Depths: Not that I care what any of you weirdoes think about anything, especially my farmin', but I'm a darn good mechanic, especially when it comes to my truck and the farm windmill.
- Humongous-Headed Hammer: That's it! I'm gettin' me mallet!
- Hypocrite: Hey! I made a bunch of dumb decisions, but none of them are as stupid as that stupid dog! He don't do anything right! Wha.... ?! You telling me I don't do anything right either?! Screw you! I CAN cook! I just never feel like it! And I CAN fix anything!
- I Just Want to Be Loved: Is a good dose of affection really too much to ask for here?!
- Insufferable Imbecile: Who you callin' imbecile?! I ain't no imbecile, you stupid editor! That stupid dog is the imbecile! And that weasel gipsy is wrong for calling ME the stupid one!
- Iron Butt Monkey: There's that stupid word again! Although I do have to admit that I AM made of iron! Otherwise, I'd be dead by now!
- Jerkass: Yeah, I'm mean! What did you expect?!
- Jerkass to One: I hate everyone! But the one I hate the most is that stupid dog!
- Karmic Butt-Monkey: Enough with that stupid word already! And so what if my suffering is karma?! It still ain't a reason to call me a monkey's butt!
- Lack of Empathy: What did you except? For me to actually consider what I put that stupid dog through on a daily basis wrong? If you thought that, then you are sadly mistaken.
- Laser-Guided Karma: Bad things happen to me because I do bad things! Bah! Complete nonsense!
- Lean and Mean: Yep! I'm all skin and bones! And I am NOT a pleasant person to be around! So beat it before I go get me mallet!
- Leitmotif: Strange how every time I'm enjoying myself with me money, some fiddle plays in the background. Oh well! Works for me! Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
- The Load: You take that back! I ain't useless! I'm far more useful than that dumb dog!
- Money Fetish: If there's one thing I love the most, it's MONEY! Lots and lots of money!
- Never My Fault: It's always the stupid dog's fault bad things are happening! Never mine!
- Never Bareheaded: A man ain't nuthin' without a hat!
- Psychopathic Manchild: Hey! Can I help it if me Ma never gave me a proper childhood?! There's no room for maturity in this city called Nowhere!
- Real Men Eat Meat: You ask me, a meal's not complete unless there's a slab of meat in it!
- Screw Politeness, I'm a Senior!: You think I give a smelly skunk's posterior about being polite? At my age?! Bah! You're dreaming!
- The Friend Nobody Likes: Who? Me? The friend nobody likes? Well okay that's fair. I'm a pretty unpleasant guy to be around.
- They Killed Kenny Again: There's one thing I can do better than my brother: get murdered and still come back to life!
- Too Dumb to Live: How dare you call me dumb! I told you, I ain't dumb! What?! So what if I got murdered by the monsters before? That wasn't stupidity! That was that stupid dog allowing me to walk into danger!
- Took a Level in Jerkass: That's right! I was once a grumpy grouch! But then I became a cruel curmudgeon who despises that dumb dog to a point where I wanted to finally KILL HIM for stealing all the good things I deserve! That dog deserved to die! It's a shame he had to ruin it all at the end!
- Uncanny Family Resemblance: Eh, some folks say I look just like me Pa, 'cept the old man had a beard. One crazy critter even thought I was him! Me, I don't see any resemblance.
- Unexplained Recovery: Don't matter none what kind of crazy fool adventures that stupid dog drags me and Muriel on, or what horrible fate befalls me, I'll always be right back in my chair before you know it. Never did figure out how...
- The Unfavorite: Me Ma didn't just like my older brother more than me, she likes my dog more than me!!
- Ungrateful Bastard: Bah, never asked the stupid dog to stick his big nose in my business anyway! So what do I gotta be grateful for?
- Used to Be a Sweet Child: Hey! I wasn't always this cranky! It's mostly me Ma and brother's fault!
Alright, enough of that! Where's my dinner?!
