(Best read in the voice of Adam Driver. Hearing it muffled and electronically distorted is optional.)
I am Emo Kylo Ren and I am a tortured soul. Not because I was a slave or anything like that. My parents and uncle Luke just don't get me. My grandfather didn't have these problems because he never met his father, which meant he got to do awesome stuff like build droids and compete in podracing when he was only 9 years old.
Only two people in the whole galaxy get me: Supreme Leader Snoke and this chick from Jakku. Her name is Rey. She hides it really well, but deep down I know she sees something in me. Sure, Snoke lets me fly ships without a license and I get a cool red lightsaber that looks like an inverted symbol popular in your galaxy, but...well...Snoke is...and Rey's◊... y'know?
Tropes That Illustrate My Complexity
- Affably Evil: Sure, I'm part of a galactic organization that destroys planets and exhibit all the traits of a domestic abuser, but it's not like I yell at anyone.
- Antagonistic Offspring: Mom, Dad and Uncle Luke tried to stifle my creativity. That makes them as bad as the Empire.
- Ascended Fanboy: My grandfather was the most powerful Force user in the galaxy and the star of no less than 6 movies. If anyone's going to follow him, it should be me!
- Ax-Crazy: Okay, so I'm a little rough when I don't get my way. But you don't understand! The call of the Light does that to a guy. Plus, Dad didn't get me a band for my 18th birthday!
- Because You Were Nice to Me: Rey's the only one I'm nice to, because she can see the real me. Even though she's probably way ruder to me than anyone else I've ever talked to. But hey, I'm a nice guy.
- Beneath the Mask: I've got a built-in playlist. All of the songs are Linkin Park.
- Berserk Button:
- Everything about FN-2187. He's a traitor to the First Order, he dared to use my grandfather's lightsaber against me, and I think he's trying to steal Rey from me.
- Starbucks pisses me off. They never spell my name right.
- Big Bad: I'm the greatest threat the galaxy has ever known. Under me, there'll be a reduced tax on eyeliner and studded collars!
- Byronic Hero: From my other page (See, Dad?):"He's tormented by a split in his soul between the light and the dark, very emotional, extremely determined, sarcastic and cynical, an attractive Pretty Boy, and has unique and rather anarchic beliefs about destroying everything from the past. He has the potential for good and has suffered quite a bit yadda yadda yadda."
- Cool Helmet: It's really got that whole "nostalgic-yet-derivative" look. Also, it covers up bad hair days.
- Cool Sword: Bet you've never seen this shape before! At least, not in red.
- Dark and Troubled Past: From my parents forcing me to go to bed early to having to go to some lame boarding school my lame uncle started, to Chewie stealing my hairdryer. I've had to deal with a lot.
- Dark Is Evil: I'm so edgy. On purpose though.
- Die, Chair, Die!: That chair failed to keep Rey from running away, so it deserved to die.
- Do Not Call Me "Paul": My life is not some book you can just flip through whenever you want. Except for you, Rey.
- The Faceless: I wanted to be this, just like grandpa, but Snoke said it looks dumb. He only wears bathrobes.
- Freudian Excuse: No, you don't understand! My parents and my uncle were the worst! I can only find reverence in my grandfather's legacy!
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Hux. He reads Nietzsche.
- King Incognito: I went undercover once at Starkiller Base as a radar technician. I think I really connected with my employees. Even the ones I killed.
- Large and in Charge: Yeah I am! Rey's totally into tall guys.
- Luke, I Am Your Father: I did this so that Rey would know specifically that we're not related, so it won't be weird when we're together. Though Mom did make out with my uncle. I hate this family.
- Mr. Fanservice: Have you seen me with my shirt off? I'm shredded. I know Rey thinks so as well.
- Nerd in Evil's Helmet: "Nerd"? You're just jealous, like everyone else.
- Never Tell Me the Odds!: Do I look like my father or something? You can tell me the odds, I'll listen.
- Pet the Dog: My Mom's a demanding bitch, but I can't help but feel bad for the death of Carrie Fisher.
- Relative Button: Calling my grandfather "Space Voldemort".
- Surrounded by Idiots: My family. The Resistance. Everyone but me. And Rey.
- Talking to the Dead: I keep asking my grandfather for advice. I don't know why he won't answer me.
- The Not-Love Interest: What? No, Rey really IS into me!
- The Unfavorite: Mom likes Poe Dameron much more than she likes me even though I am her son.
- We Can Rule Together: I made this offer to Rey. She turned me down, but I know she'll come around.