This page is best read in the voice of Dan Povenmire.
And by the way, you are now trapped... by this article! You see, I have been studying this website TV Tropes, and what I have learned is that pages like these will distract you forever! You will be unable to direct your attention away, and thus your life will be ruined!!
That's right, you're trapped. Go on, keep reading and wasting your life.
Let me tell you more about myself. I am one of the main characters of Phineas and Ferb. My name is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, but my friends call me... uh... anyhoo, that's not important. Contrary to what people say, I am not a pharmacist! I am an evil scientist, and mark my words: I shall soon take over... the entire!! TRI-STATE AREA!!! HAHAhahahahaha...
You might be wondering, "Why would he do this? Why would he trap an innocent little troper like me? What could he possibly hope to gain? What emotionally scarring backstory could possibly have made him so terrifically evil?" Well, to help you understand, I think I should tell you a little about my childhood.
It all began back in Gimmelshtump on the day of my actual birth. Neither of my parents bothered to show up. And my family was so poor that our beloved lawn gnome was repossessed. So day and night, I had to work as a lawn gnome. One day, I learned my parents were expecting a brand new baby girl. My mother spent months knitting pretty dresses. Unfortunately, the baby turned out to be a boy. Because we were out of material, I was forced to wear those same dresses for an entire year, drawing mockery and scorn from all of my manly classmates. And oooh, my brother Roger. He was always my mother's favorite. You see, her love was inexplicably linked to kickball, and Roger was an expert at it.
My social life was, to say the least, a soul-shattering void. On my fifth birthday, I had to throw my own surprise party. A bully named Boris was always kicking sand in my face, and a girl named Grulinda would always pour water on my head. At one point, my parents even disowned me, and I had to be raised by wild ocelots.
When I was sixteen, my parents kicked me out and sent me off on the greatest adventure of my life! I was heading to a golden land of opportunity; a land with a pioneering spirit which welcomed misfits like me... but I ended up in America instead.
My love life there was disappointing. At one point, I dated a girl named Linda. It didn't turn out well, but she was the one who gave me the idea to take over the Tri-State Area! I eventually married a girl named Charlene, and had a baby girl named Vanessa. Unfortunately, Charlene and I got divorced due to different interests. Specifically, I was interested in a tomato sock puppet, and she wasn't.
Mr. Tomato: You know, it wasn't me she didn't like.
Shut up! But on the bright side, Charlene still regularly gives me alimony checks, which turned out to be useful for funding all my evil inventions. After all I had been through, I finally decided to truly pursue evil. Thus began my career as an evil scientist!
But one day, when I was getting my picture taken, I met my nemesis: the secret agent Perry the Platypus. All summer long that semi-aquatic mammal has been constantly thwarting my evil plans. But that's going to change with my latest evil scheme...
BEHOLD!! THE RUIN-YOUR-LIFE-INATOR!!!
You might be wondering what that is. Well, you're looking at it; it happens to be this exact page. As I already mentioned, TV Tropes Will Ruin Your Life. By activating the Ruin-Your-Life-Inator, the tropes on this page shall distract all the people of the Tri-State area forever! All of them, including my brother Roger the mayor, will be unable to perform their day-jobs! And with them all distracted, I will be able to waltz in, and TAKE OVER THE TRI-STATE AREA!!!
Time to activate the -inator!
It's working! It's working! It's functioning properly!
- Absurd Phobia: I do have a lot of fears, including heights, bats, shellfish, and vending machines taking over the world. But that last one is totally gonna happen!
- Abusive Parents: I suppose my parents were... neglectful, to say the least. But rest assured, I will not let the same thing happen with Vanessa!
- Accidental Misnaming: I don't get it. Everybody knows who Roger is, but not me. We have the same last name!
- Action Dad: Don't even try anything with my daughter, or else!
- Affably Evil: I assure you, I am one-hundred percent certified evil... oh, that link isn't working for some reason? Just go ahead and use this one, it's no big deal.
- Amazingly Embarrassing Parents: What? No I'm not! I'll prove it to you; I'll go overprotect Vanessa and show her what a great camper I am!
- Amicable Exes: Charlene and I have some disagreements, but we do get along most of the time.
- Amusing Injuries: One day when I was camping, I fell off a cliff and got a fire hydrant stuck in my leg. I'd have it removed, but the doctors say it's too close to an artery to operate.
- Arch-Enemy: Perry the Platypus is a suave, semi-aquatic personification of unstoppable dynamic fury. He works for the Organization Without a Cool Acronym, who battles evil scientists like myself. Perry the Platypus always thwarts me in every episode. But this time, things are gonna be different!
- Artificial Limbs: I lost my arms at one point. *CLANG* *CLANG* See? Both titanium.
- Bad is Good and Good is Bad: I have an evil reputation to protect, you know! I once was out of evil ideas, so I decided to create a good-idea-inator to give me a good idea. But since I'm evil, I made a bad-idea-inator instead... but that didn't really work out either.
- Berserk Button:
- DO NOT sabotage my self-destruct buttons. Those are important!
- DO NOT attack Perry the Platypus. He is my nemesis.
- And whatever you do, don't mess with my daughter.
- Big Bad: I technically am the main source of evil and conflict in this show. However, some episodes have other villains show up. But they don't last, now do they? HAHAhahahahaa...
- Big Bad Wannabe: Although, in terms of success, I haven't actually, well, succeeded yet... oh, you laugh now, but very soon now, I will rule over, the ENTIRE! TRI-STATE AREA!!
- Birthday Hater: Well, neither of my parents showed up for my birth. And on my fifth birthday, I had to throw my own surprise party. So... yeah.
- Bond Villain Stupidity: One time I cuffed Perry the Platypus to a table with a laser slowly moving towards him. I got that idea from a movie, but never saw how it ended. It seemed fool-proof at the time though, but somehow he escaped!
- Born Unlucky: Well, both of my parents failed to show up for my birth, so...
- Bungling Inventor: Hey, all my inators work! It's just that, you know, I... I don't use them properly.
- Bumbling Dad: I once took Vanessa to a baseball game, and I caught a foul ball inside the field wall for her! I don't see why everyone was so upset...
- Butt-Monkey: Sometimes, it feels like the universe is making jokes at my expense.
- Can't Get Away with Nuthin': For some reason, all my past schemes have horribly backfired on me!
- Card-Carrying Villain: I do have a card for an evil organization.
- "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"
- "Behold! The [WHAT IT DOES]INATOR!"
- "Ah, Perry the Platypus, your timing is [adjective with prefix], and by '[same adjective with prefix]' I mean COMPLETELY [SAME ADJECTIVE WITHOUT PREFIX]!"
- "Hey, is that [insert band here]?"
- "It's working! It is functioning properly!!"
- There's this exchange whenever Perry the Platypus puts on his hat:
Me: A platypus?
(Perry puts on his fedora)
Me: PERRY THE PLATYPUS?!
- Chaotic Stupid: No, I'm Chaotic Evil! Really!
- Character Blog: I have a Twitter and a Youtube Channel.
- The Chew Toy: Ugh. See Iron Butt Monkey.
- Child Prodigy: As a child, I created my first inator for a Science Fair. It could fire an immensely destructive beam! But for some reason, it kept on losing to a baking soda volcano!
- Cloudcuckoolander: Well, I do admit I tend to babble on a bit.
- Conspiracy Placement: My building has its own evil Jingle!
- Contractual Genre Blindness: Well, I have to follow the routine! Where's the fun otherwise? I trap Perry the Platypus, I monologue to him, he escapes, and then the chase is on! Of course, thus far he ends up winning... pretty much... all the time...
- Crazy-Prepared: 99% of the time I have a trap ready to spring on Perry the Platypus mere seconds after he arrives.
- Creator Cameo: Some people say that I sound like Dan Povenmire. Okay, first of all, who is this Dan Povenmire? He sounds like a handsome guy!
- Cut Lex Luthor a Check:
- In "Backyard Hodge Podge", I started receiving royalty checks for my technology being used in eye checkups. But I absolutely hate the idea of my inventions being used for good.
- But I am OK with gaining money in a legitimate way as long as I can damage people in any other way. Like selling band-aids legally, but using an inator to papercut people.
- One time I wanted to open my own all you can eat buffet and created an inator to make myself extremely hungry and bankrupt the rest. When someone noticed I ate tons of food without gaining weight, he said I'd make millions selling this inator as a diet implement. What a stupid idea!
- I actually made an appearance on Shark Tank once. I tried to market my Shrink-inator. It... didn't end well.
- Dark and Troubled Past: My childhood.
- Dastardly Whiplash:
- Although I don't have a mustache or hat (and wear a lab coat like a Mad Scientist), I seem to have some traits that fit this: exaggerated nose and chin, hunched posture, elaborate schemes, and over-the-top mannerisms.
- My historical counterpart at the Danville World Fair, however, more than makes up for it by having the mustache and the predilection for tying nemeses to train tracks.
- Deadpan Snarker: Sometimes I do this. But can you blame me? The world just doesn't make sense!
- Determinator: Perry the Platypus may have beaten me and thwarted my plans all summer long, but I am not stopping now! I will prove to you all that I am truly and thoroughly evil!! HAHAhahahaha.
- Didn't Think This Through
- Disproportionate Retribution: I don't get what's the big deal! Look, Boris always kept kicking sand in my face when I was a child. Was it really too much to try and dump sand all over his house?
- Distaff Counterpart: Some say Professor Poofenplotz is this to me. That's cute, but her schemes don't even come close to mine, and she doesn't even have a decent lab coat.
- Ditzy Genius
- Does Not Like Spam: I find rice pudding gross.
- Doting Parent: To Vanessa.
- Drives Like Crazy: Look, it's not my fault the Drusselstein driving test is the worst course ever designed! I can usually drive just fine!
- Embarrassing Old Video: Ugh... there was one where I was skating... in my underwear... into a toilet. They even made a remix.
Norm: It's got ten billion hits! And there's only seven billion people on the planet!
- Enemy Mine: My battles with Perry the Platypus are sort of routine, so we sometimes work together on stuff when I'm off the clock.
- Even Evil Has Loved Ones: I do care deeply about my daughter AND arch-nemesis. You know how hard a decent one is to come by?
- Even Evil Has Standards:
- Taking over the world is crazy! And why destroy the Tri-State area? You have nothing to take over!
- Aloyse Von Roddenstein's scheme to destroy summer and put the world in perpetual winter was just insane, alright?!
- Evil Is Petty: No I'm not! Mind-controlling pigeons to poop on my always better brother was pure genius!
- Evil Laugh: I have an absolutely grand maniacal laugh! HAHAHahahahaha...
- Evil Plan: I have a lot of these, and need to explain them carefully to Perry the Platypus.
- Failure Is the Only Option: On rare occasions I successfully achieve my goals (making a mountain out of the mole hill and getting rid of the lighthouse), but otherwise, either Perry the Platypus foils me in traditional fashion, or there's a Meaningless Villain Victory... but hey, if it was easy, then everyone would rule the Tri-State area! And then we'd be forced to, I don't know, decide rules by voting or something.
- For the Evulz: I am evil and proud of it! HAHAHahahaha...
- Freudian Excuse: As I've said: "Evil science is like undergoing deep Freudian analysis with a theremin constantly playing in the background."
- Friendly Enemy: At this point, I guess I'm this with Perry the Platypus. I mean, by now, him thwarting me is sort of just routine, and when we're not doing that, we can do whatever else.
- Gadgeteer Genius: My inventions do tend to work the way I intend them to. I just can't, you know, use them properly.
- Gonk: Crooked teeth... long nose... used as counterpart to the Wicked Witch in the The Wizard of Oz parody... brilliant.
- Good Parents: My parents weren't exactly the most attentive, so I certainly want to be this to Vanessa!
- The Grinch: Inverted, actually. I hate every holiday except Christmas (and Halloween). My Christmas wish was to find a reason to hate Christmas so that I could destroy it with proper villainous enthusiasm. It's eventually granted. Which ironically also gave me reason to celebrate the holiday anyway.
- Harmless Villain: Well, if by harmless you mean not inflicting any actual harm, then... yes.
- HeelFace Turn: Some of you viewers who have seen "Last Day of Summer" say that after a heart to heart with Vanessa, she will deconstruct my character and say I'm a good guy acting bad due to his childhood and I'm not really happy being evil. That's a funny idea, but I assure you that I am evil! I AM!!
- Hilariously Abusive Childhood: Well, I don't find it hilarious!
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Somehow, even the schemes that Perry the Platypus does not interfere in end up failing.
- Hostile Show Takeover: I once tried to give the Milo Murphy's Law opening a go. It did not end well.
- Impossible Shadow Puppets: Oh, I'm good at this.
- Improbable Weapon User: I often a bunch of random Improvised Weapons during my fights with my nemesis.
- Ineffectual Sympathetic Villain: One time I used a potted plant as a Companion Cube when Perry the Platypus didn't show up. The plant somehow thwarted me, and the O.W.C.A. made the plant an agent in honor of this feat. Not my best moment...
- Insane Troll Logic: I once made an inator that turned eggs into dodo eggs because dodos are like dinosaurs. You know, cause both dodos and dinosaurs were extinct. I was hoping dodos would also be fearsome and dangerous but... eh.
- Inventional Wisdom: I need to install self-destruct buttons on everything.
Norm: I wonder why you always fail.
- Be careful where you fiddle, Norm; you've got one too, you know.
- Iron Butt Monkey: So far I've survived fiery explosions, being hit by a giant ball of aluminum, the eruption of a volcano, the sinking of my lair while perched over a crocodile's mouth, crashing headlong into my own building several times...
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: What? No I'm not! But I do care for my daughter Vanessa.
- Labcoat of Science and Medicine: Why do so many people think I'm a pharmacist?
- Large Ham: I do engage in this when narrating my evil schemes. And my songs tend to have a full Broadway-style kick line backin' me up!!
- Literal-Minded: Some of my schemes include using Norm the Giant Robot Man against Perry the Platypus, because "The enemy of a platypus is man.", making literal mountains out of literal molehills and leaving a giant carbon footprint with a giant foot made out of carbon paper. One time I painted myself green to be a better gardener, until I realized that "green thumb" was just a metaphor. Somehow, the green paint missed my thumbs.
- Mad Libs Catch Phrase: "Why, Perry the Platypus, how [Negative Verb Form], and by [Negative Verb Form] I mean completely [Positive Verb Form]!"
- Mad Scientist: Actually, it's evil scientist. Get it right.
- Meaningful Name: Apparently, the name "Doofenshmirtz" loosely translates to "stupid pain" in German. I don't blame my parents though.
- Meaningless Villain Victory: This sometimes happens.
- Meta Guy: I'm fully aware of the Fourth Wall. I live-tweeted the events of "Mission Marvel" on Twitter during its premiere on Disney Channel and did commentary during commercial breaks when it aired on Disney XD.
- Morally Ambiguous Doctorate: I got my degree over the internet with Charlene's money.
- Motor Mouth: I'd be obnoxious if I wasn't so charming.
- Never My Fault: It's not my fault, alright? It's Perry the Platypus; he ruins everything!
- Noodle Incident: Oh, so many that are too painful to recall. Let's just leave it at that, alright?
- Not-So-Harmless Villain: Several "what-if" episodes show that, without Perry the Platypus to stop me, I can potentially take over the Tri-State Area, if not the world.
- Obviously Evil: HAHAHa... of course I'm evil, what's your point?
- Overprotective Dad: Some random biker once hit on my daughter. SHE'S SIXTEEN! So I sent him to another dimension.
- Papa Wolf: You better leave my baby girl alone!
- Parental Abandonment: Mine couldn't be bothered to show up for my birth. And later, I was abandoned to live with wild ocelots.
- Persona Non Grata: For some reason, the Albanian ambassador's wife filed a complaint against me, and I'm "never welcome in Albania ever again".
- Phony Degree: I bought my doctorate online with Charlene's alimony. But my inventions prove that I am certainly brilliant.
- Poke the Poodle: Once I built a device that could translate my voice into 'whale speak' so that I could insult a whale that stole one of my girlfriends. Brilliantly evil!
- Punch-Clock Villain: My fights with Perry the Platypus have grown into routine.
- Raised by Wolves: I was raised by ocelots after my birth family disowned me. Legally, this makes me an ocelot, which comes with some handy legal implications!
- Science-Related Memetic Disorder: I have a big lever as a on/off switch for the lights. I also have an obsession with installing self-destruct buttons and other buttons or dials.
- Self Destruct Buttons: THESE ARE IMPORTANT! It's my thing, and I almost never invent an inator without one. I even take the time and liberty to include them on my non-inators, like the vacuum, my TV, the coffee machine, oh, see, even my underwear—YOOOOOOOOWWW!!! Yeah, that was not pleasant.
- Then this one night that was given the Non-Indicative Name "Night of the Living Pharmacists", I, uh, may have accidentally started a Clone by Conversion Zombie Apocalypse when I used an overcharged Repulse-Inator on Roger. Vanessa's little friend Candace was visiting, and it wasn't long before her kid brothers and their friend joined in. They figured that water should turn everyone back to normal, and got started on building a "vortex sprayer" to drench Danville. At one point, I suggested a Self-Destruct Button, but the pointy one shut me down.
- Series Goal: My dream, is to take over the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA!!!! HAHAHahahaha...
- Sibling Rivalry: Roger was always my mother's favorite. But I'll change that; I'll show you!
- Sinister Schnoz: Well, I do have a long nose. It's sinister, though...
- Superpowered Eviler Side: In "This is Your Backstory", my plan is to become this. I succeeded for a few moments before Perry the Platypus turned me back to normal.
- Take Over the Tri-State Area!!!: HAHAHahahahaha...
- Team Rocket Wins: In Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo, I take over the world in the Bad Future.
- Thinginator: Almost everything I invent needs the -inator suffix.
- Trademark Favorite Food: Almond brittle.
- The Unfavorite: Even before my brother was born, my father named our dog "Only Son".
- Unfortunate Names: "Doof" is German for "stupid". I still don't blame my parents, though.
- Villain Song: Oh, I have a lot of these. I just feel the need to explain my plans in song.
- Villain With An F In Evil: My mentor in evil came by to tell me I'm a failure. But Perry the Platypus thinks I'm evil!
- Wacky Parent, Serious Child: I wonder why Vanessa almost never smiles...
- Web Video: I've got a "Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt" on my YouTube channel Doof Daily, where I share my rant of the day (well, technically it's rant of the week, but then it wouldn't be as alliterate).
- "Well Done, Dad!" Guy: I really, really want Vanessa to be proud of me. Eventually I have some success.
- Wouldn't Hit a Girl: Perry the Platypus was stuck in a teenage girl's body once. This made things awkward.
- Zany Scheme: What? No, my schemes really are evil schemes! I am evil! I AM!!
- Wait, what? An escape clause through advice in another article? NOOOOO!!! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!!!