You try to be Doc Scratch from Homestuck, but fail to be Doc Scratch. It seems no one can be Doc Scratch, except for Doc Scratch.
In fact, you might as well let me take over from here. I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I type with my signature white text. It's not like you have a choice in the matter, I was only being polite. Paradox Space already predestined this conversation, as it will every waking moment in your amusingly short life. Let's see, now, where to begin?
Ha ha. Hee hee.
I was born, like other First Guardians, within a certain Alternian session of Sburb, a game in which players must work together to defeat the forces of darkness, and achieve the ultimate reward. I was created by using several special genetic codes, codes that grant me access to the powers of The Green Sun. I am also made from the ghost slime of my handsome ectobiolgical father and a magical cue ball. I am not a gambling man, but I suppose some of us are just born lucky.
I first appeared in the comic in a conversation with one of my many pupils. No, not the kind that humans and trolls have on their faces, I would need to have eyes for that. And a face, quite frankly. Ah, she was willful, that one, always trying to stay a step ahead of me, seeking the blind spots in my knowledge, believing she could outsmart me. Of course, that is what I allowed her to believe, anyway. The stubborn ones are always the easiest to manipulate, especially if they believe they are doing the manipulating. These people are the ones I usually refer to as suckers. Plus, I've always had a soft spot for young ladies.
It should be noted that while First Guardians are usually created to watch over their respective planets, that is not my only purpose for being. You see, I am under the employ of my master, an invincible, time-traveling demon known as Lord English. He has only one goal, and that is to enter this universe, and then consume it. His disciples and I have gone to great lengths to precipitate his arrival. Upon the event known as my death, he will enter the universe and wreak havoc across paradox space like none have ever seen before. Although, as I have said before to another of my pupils, trying to stop any of our plans is futile. My master's entry into this universe is a known quantity. His very existence in a universe guarantees its inevitable destruction. His destructive destiny is sanctioned by paradox space, a neat and orderly path that will lead to his arrival. Any attempt to change this course of action is impossible.
He will come.
In fact, he is already here.
Now, I will proceed to give you analysis on my own character. After all, an excellent host must always be open to a new guest.
- Abusive Precursor: Trolls were a peaceful race free from perpetual war, psychic genocide and ethnic cleansing. Then, they met me.
- Angrish: I slip into this from time to time when something really agitates me.
- A God I Am Not: I have power and knowledge far surpassing a god. But I am not one.
- Asexuality: It's rather complicated to talk about.
- Berserk Button: I do not ask much from my guests, but I will never, ever, permit one to desecrate one of my ornate timepieces.
- Big Bad: Act 5 of Homestuck marks my sole incursion into the narrative. With a handful of conversations, I proved a larger threat than all preceding.
- The Blank: As the Felt's "cueball", I am devoid of any facial features whatsoever.
- Brutal Honesty: The truth hurts, especially if I'm the one revealing it.
- The Chessmaster: I proudly take that title since I personify it to a T.
- Complete Immortality: Subverted, thanks to the Seer's plan regarding the Green Sun. Or rather, my plan.
- Complete Monster: Well, let's say I'm not exactly someone you want to mess with.
- The Corrupter: I orchestrated these sessions to fail so I can make new ones with ideal players. Of course, they always fail as well.
- Cryptic Conversation: My conversations tend to go like this.
- Deadpan Snarker: Not always.
- Death Seeker: My master cannot enter his target universe until I am killed. Such is the nature of the break.
- Do Not Taunt Cthulhu: If you're wise enough, you shouldn't attempt to cross me...ever.
- The Dragon: I am considered this due to my status as Lord English's officer.
- The Easy Way or the Hard Way: I would always give this option to my guests. But it's rather pointless considering that it always winds up being the hard way anyway.
- Evil Mentor: I am not a good man, and frequently, my apprentices follow my footsteps eagerly.
- Evil Uncle: I would prefer Ms. Lalonde think of me as one of her kindly human uncle figures.
- Faux Affably Evil: I may be a gentleman but that doesn't mean I'm not a villain.
- Foreshadowing: I was, and always will be, a magnificent host. Haha. Hehe. Hoho..
- Fourth-Wall Observer: I regularly have guests from beyond the fourth wall. However, I cannot tolerate any correspondence from across the fifth wall.
- Friendly Enemy: I am always a gentleman, even to my most heinous adversaries.
- Fusion Dance: Unlike less charismatic Guardians, my body was created by combining seven different genetic codes instead of a mere two.
- Gambit Roulette: Averted. I have never been a gambling man. I make decisions based off omniscience, and on the rare occasions it fails, my infallible intellect.
- Giggling Villain: Ha ha. Hee hee. Hoo hoo.
- Kansas City Shuffle: Nobody seems to trust me, but they fall into my traps anyways. It's amusing, really.
- Karma Houdini: Everything will go as I see fit, as it already has.
- Living Weapon: I am my master's weapon. His soldier in a war of one bullet fired.
- Made of Iron: One of the accommodations of being a First Guardian.
- Manipulative Bastard: Bastard is a rather juvenile term to describe me, but I am manipulative nonetheless.
- Man of Wealth and Taste: You will never see me without my suit, nor will you see my home unprepared for a guest of high caliber.
- Meaningful Name: My name is rather appropriate due to me being created after the session of the previous versions of the trolls' ancestors was scratched.
- Mistaken for Pedophile: Ms. Lalonde has accused me of this. Her self-importance is quite adorable.
- No Biological Sex: I am an immortal entity with a large cue ball for a head, and no biological means of reproduction.
- No-Holds-Barred Beatdown: I hoped that Spades Slick would be taking it quite personally.
- Not So Stoic: I tend to lose my composure when something goes wrong.
- The Omnipotent: With regards to the standard First Guardian code.
- The Omniscient: I know of every event throughout Homestuck. A few dark spots in my omniscience do exist, but I can always make a guess to fill a void. And it case it wasn't clear, my guesses are never wrong.
- Only Known by Their Nickname: The name "Doc Scratch" is merely a moniker.
- Percussive Maintenance: I attempted this once with the narrow fenestrated wall. It was as successful as I needed it to be.
- Physical God: I am not a god. The god's mortality is conditional, his knowledge is negligible, and the god's manners? I HAVE the charisma.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: I would consider myself a polar opposite of my master.
- Relationship Sabotage: I indulged in an auspistice between the Snowman and Spades Slick once.
- Revolvers Are Just Better: I.
- Schizo Tech: I use a typewriter to communicate across the internet. Only a lesser omnipotent would use anything else.
- Sharp-Dressed Man: I have maintained my handsome guise since birth.
- Smug Super: I am right to be smug. I am omniscient, extremely powerful, and very charming.
- Super Strength: I prefer not to resort to fisticuffs. If a guest gets particularly unruly, however, I will not hesitate to show them the way out.
- Technical Pacifist: I'm a facilitator, not an assassin.
- Thanatos Gambit: The Plan was inevitable. In any case, Lord English would have been summoned anyway. He is, after all, already here.
- Theme Naming: Like my master, my name derives from a billiards term.
- Time Abyss: I am as old as a civilization millions of years more advanced than that of Earth, and I outlived them by one thousand three hundred twenty six years.
- Villains Never Lie: Deception is only necessary for those lacking omniscience. I always play with my cards face up. However, I'll tell a lie or two for a good joke. After all, it's only a lie if you don't find out.
- Walking Spoiler: No. I dress in white out of preference; none of my words here will ruin your experience with Homestuck.
- Wicked Cultured: I am always the sophisticated type, like an excellent host should be.
I wouldn't stare at your computer for for so long. Doing so will only serve to reduce your already dim vision.