Well, it's about time I got some recognition around here. Wait, where is here? Never mind, it must be a very fancy place to take on someone like me. Quick question: what's the snack situation in this joint? I mean, I'm not really picky, but I really hope there's some decent catering. Seriously, if there's honeydew, I'm out the door. Wait, why is a lonely dweeb writing what I'm saying? So it's an interview? For what, I wonder. I mean, everybody knows who I am. Household name here. Just say it. What? Explain it? WHY? No, I mean, seriously, it's me, BoJack Horseman, the Horse from Horsin' Around. C'mon, don't act like you don't know. (sighs) Well, I guess I'll have to. Princess Carolyn should get me better gigs than this. I'll give her a call. At least Mr. Peanutbutter will never have one of these.note
Well, let's start: My name is BoJack F. Horsemannote , son of Beatrice Horseman (née Sugarman) and Butterscotch Horseman. I didn't have the best childhood, but through some very lucky breaks and moving to L.A., yours truly found himself serving drinks and doing stand-up in The Laughing Shack with my best friend and mentornote Herb Kazzaz and his girlfriend and another deer friend of mine note Charlotte Moore. Herb managed to pitch a show to some drunk network executives. A little sitcom called Horsin' Around. Together, we were the happiest patch-up family since The Munsters. And then, we weren't. You know, I really don't want to talk about this anymore. If you really want to know, you can watch my show, it's on Netflix. Right now, I've had a few hits in my stable note : Secretariat, the famous biopic where I play the title character (and my personal hero) and currently I'm playing Philbert in the new WhatTimeIsItRightNow's original series, Philbertnote .
If you want to find me, I'm usually at my house by the cliffside or hanging out with my best friend Diane Nguyen, for whom I've always had platonic feelings and nothing else, ok? If you can't reach me and it's for a movie offer, contact Princess Carolyn at VIM Agencies. She's always happy to receive offers for me.
On second thought, if you're sending me any offers, it looks like you're going to have to forward them to the Los Angeles Supermax Prison for a while.
Anyway, in case you are looking for a star, here's a short portfolio of my work in Film and TV.
- Horsin' Around (1987-1996): The Horse.
- The BoJack Horseman Show formerly known as Mitch's Life (2007): Myself. Also wrote the pilot episode.
- F.H.B.A.note (2017): Guest Judge.
- Philbert (2018): Philbert.
- Secretariat (2015): Secretariat.
- The Horny Unicorn (2020): The Horny Unicorn
I also was invited to guest-star on Mr. Peanutbutter's game show Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities. What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out! First-ever episode, actually. So no big deal or anything.
All good? Oh, you're not looking for someone right now? Well, no biggie. I'll....just....leave you this....heeeeeeereeeee. Right here. In case you change your mind.
Note: If you are gonna read this page (and you will, probably. Let's face it, if you're reading about me, you're a fan of mine), read it with the voice of the one and only Will Arnett. Of course, that is if you haven't done so already. Everybody says it's impossible to read something I say in other than the voice of GOB Bluth. He has a really deep, sexy voice.
Oh and for some reason they want me to promote Mr Peanutbutter's page.
Back in TV Tropes, I had these famous character traits....
- '80s Hair: What? It was the rage back in the day! Although it's a sign of pretentious douchebags now, so there's that. But still, for H.A. 's entire run, my mullet rocked.
- Abstract Apotheosis: As far as the internet is concerned, I am the "sad horse". Wanna hear a better one? Some critics (yuck!) have even commented on their reviews of BoJack that I'm defined by my depression. Let's see what else...Oh! I'm the "broken heart" of the series. Hahahahahahaha...ha... Let's move on.
- Abusive Parents: Crappy childhoods really make the star, huh? My mother, Beatrice, was a cruel woman who was never pleased with anything I did and hated the fact I existed. You could blame my grandfather (may he roast in Hell for all I care) for creating the problems for both of us. My father, Butterscotch, well...he would berate me and all, but I don't really remember him being present in my life as I grew up. I always saw them fighting and well, for better or worse, that made us a family: the knowledge that our grudges, resentments and broken dreams bound us together.
- This cause me to have an internalized self-hatred of horses, so thanks a lot, you two massive assholes.
- God, I wish I was born in the Tekken Universe. At least they solve their family issues by beating the piss out of each other!
- Adventure Duo: Me and Diane when we work together. We're like the dynamic duo, only way better. Sure, most of the time we get our hopes dashed by reality. But until then, we enjoy the ride.
- Affectionate Nickname: Herb used to call me "BJ" when we were still young and idealistic.
- The Alcoholic: It's not a problem (for the most part). Horses process alcohol at a slower pace, so it usually takes a lot of booze to get me plastered. It speaks by itself that be it at a party, a wedding or just a stop at Bellican's, I usually end up beyond plastered.
- Always a Bigger Fish: No matter what I do, I'll never be as famous as I want to. Bigger stars always beat me to the spot.
- Ambiguous Disorder: Depression, of course. Does that count?
- Beyond that, something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Other pseudo-psychiatrists (even worse than normal ones) have said it's Histrionic or Dependent Personality Disorder. Make up your mind! See, this is why I don't trust those quacks.
- Ambiguously Bi: What the hay...I'm not bi! You say a few things and everyone goes Rule 34 on you note . But, still, I guess some comments may have been taken the wrong way. I hope.
- It's not my fault stuff gets stuck in my butt. Ana and PC should be more careful where they leave their things. Although I don't mind it as foreplay. Just heads up, that's all I'm asking.
- When my friend Herb was outed as gay during H.A. 's fifth season, he came to my dressing room to ask me for support since the studio was being pressured to fire him (Aah, The '90s). I wasn't disgusted by his gayness or anything, but I was very afraid of coming out...AND SUPPORTING HIM, OK? THAT'S IT! Still, he was my friend and he got me started in the business, so I decided to do it. As he was leaving, I couldn't help it and I, you know, asked him about the "party trains" they normally did. They sounded like fun, right? Who doesn't like a good, hard party? That was it, nothing serious. He just looked weird at me, so I simply shrugged it off as cool as I could muster.
- Then, there was the time when I guest-starred in Hollywoo Stars And Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out!, hosted by my frenemy, Mr. Peanutbutter and I—I kissed himnote The audience was pressuring me and I really didn't want to do it. People have come and said to me that I didn't put a big fight, but I just wanted to bury the hatchet (or the bone? No, no, no, the hatchet! The hatchet!), so I decided to get it over with. At least, he was tender and his hand on my crest was soothing.note
- After returning to Hollywoo after a year or so, I lost my mother's baby doll and tried to get in contact with Diane to help me find it. Thing is, I arrived at her house completely shit-faced and because of that, PB offered to "take me home" like Eddie Money. Besides being an asinine analogy, I wasn't going to "go home with [him]". Maybe 'cause I was drunk, but for some reason, I added that if we were going together, I'd get to play "Eddie Money" in the scenario. I guess I don't like being called "easy" while drunk? (shrugs)note
- Amicable Exes: Depends on how charitable and tolerant PC is feeling about me and my screw-ups, which is not very often. Still, she's my agent, we know each other too well and we go way back. Not even a nasty (professional) break-up could keep us apart for too long, so when we're good, we're the best.note
- Anti-Hero/Anti-Villain: I kinda toe the line. It's true I'm not the innocent foal I used to be and I have a laundry list of dirty deeds, betrayals and overall shitty things I'll never right with anybody. But still, I'm not that bad; it's just a matter of starting to prove it.
- Attention Whore: I am famous and don't ever pretend otherwise.
- Badflank and Baby Seahorse Duo: Really, badflank? Aren't you allowed to say ass here? Anyway, there was a little seahorse who got lost outside Pacific Ocean City and I was around, so I helped him. It was quick and had no emotional impact on me.
- Badflank Baritone: Courtesy of my voice actor. Seriously, would you expect a horse to sound so deep and smooth? Though the badflank thing is still weird as shit.
- Bastard Angst: Let's just say my parents didn't expect me. I was doing good by myself, but they had so much hatred to share and I felt bad for having caused them such grief. Like it was my fault. Still, it helped me guide Hollyhock through the process, so it wasn't all bad.
- Became Their Own Antithesis: Too late to point that out, man. Back in The '90s, I was in a very famous TV show. Young, energetic, idealistic and like an open book. Now, whenever people see me, they can't help but point out how old, grumpy and tired I look. This was especially notable when I reunited with Herb (it didn't go over so well) and Charlotte. They looked older and just as tired, but they still looked at me like I wasn't the same guy from back in the day, like I had "changed". They were right.
- Beneath the Mask: I may not look like Mr. Sunshine, but trust me: most of my grumpiness and good social skills? Comes from much lesser pain than the one I hide and keep inside of me every day. Although there are those who believe I shouldn't use that as an excuse. They're probably right.
- Berserk Button: Okay, are you ready for the trivia? These are the top things you never do unless you want to piss me off.
- Don't say anything good about Mr. Peanutbutter.note
- Never pretend honeydew is anything other than garbage fruitnote
- I'm not a has-been. I've had plenty of hits since Horsin' Around finished.
- H. A. doesn't suck. ONLY I GET TO SAY IT SUCKED!! ME!!note
- Big Brother Instinct: I could have left Hollyhock to go door-to-door, looking for her mother in such a big city like L.A., but much to my chagrin, I dragged through asking around until I found her, even if it meant getting the stink eye of every scattered ex I've had.
- Big Brother Mentor: Look, I'm all about being seen as a role model as the rest, but I know better. This life isn't what it's cracked up to be. Still, whatever little knowledge I've got, I try to pass it on...as bluntly as possible.
- Taneisha shouldn't have listened to me the first time. It's not often that the father's bride asks you to talk with her daughter. Seriously, that's their job, why would you put that on me? Fair enough, I was a celebrity. Taneisha didn't know if Karen "completed" her, so there goes the heartwarming speech I'd prepare. (neighs in frustration) In short, I said her options were to settle with someone who likes at least half of what she does or live the rest of her life alone. She just can't get picky or she'd end up like me. Nailed it. Too bad the speech bummed me out because then I made an even bigger mistake with Todd's friend Emily.
- Hollyhock knows better than listening to me, which I appreciate since I can't walk through eggshells every time we talk. She's young and I'm old, so she's still naive about a few life facts, which leaves me with the task of educating her about it.
- Big Eater: Fine, I have no self-control, is that what you want to hear?! This is what happens when you combine the literal appetite of a horse with an inner void that has to be filled with attention, food, and sex!
- Born Unlucky: Would you believe me if I told you I've got a bad track when it comes to luck?note
- Butt-Monkey: A bit. Maybe. Who am I kidding? It'd be easier for me to just rename myself a walking disaster area. I come from poison and I can be poison, so why wouldn't poison be around the same?
- Byronic Hero: Pfffft...as if. Just because I follow the archetypical mold (brooding, passionate about things the society I live in don't care too much about, rebellious, impeccable wit), I fail in one aspect: I'm not that self-centered. I think. Honestly, most of the BH I know are villa...oh, BH. Yeah, the "not a good person" argument. Shit. Hold on, there's another trait: "broken". See? I have my flaws, but I hold together pretty well. No deep issues here, I tell you.
- Broken Pedestal: Surprisingly no, even after my childhood hero Secretariats dirty secrets were revealed and he killed himself, I never lost my admiration for him. If anything I find him more relatable now as an adult than I did as a child.
- Cannot Tell a Joke: Hey, I resent that! Okay, fine, I'll admit my standup days weren't the highest point of my career, but hey, the material was fine, I just had problems with the delivery. And the tempo. And maybe I shouldn't have kept asking the audience if they "got it". Cut me some slack, literally, the only positive reinforcement I'd ever gotten at that point in my life was people laughing at some of my jokes in school, I think I can be forgiven for being a little desperate.
- Cynical Mentor: I'd prefer to see it as being honest. After all, why would anyone ask for my help if they aren't desperate? It's better this way, they'll learn some harsh truths and realize what a shitty world they've been dropped into, hopefully leading them to appreciate how good they got it. To have someone to love, someone who loves you, family, friends, lovers...Dammit, why can't it be me?
- Darkest Hour: *whistles* I know I said I don't believe in rock bottom, because there's always a rockier bottom underneath, but I find it hard to think it could get any worse than this. I lost my job, my house, my money, Holleyhock disowned me, I'm the pariah of Hollywoo, I fell off the wagon, had to sell off my rights to Horsin Around just so they can re-release the series with all my scenes cut out, almost drowned in my old pool, and finally, I got 14 months in prison. Ironically, prison is the least horrible part of it all. At least in here, staying sober and stable is easy.
- Deadpan Snarker: I'm assuming thee is the one they call "Captain Obvious". Just when I thought something so useless couldn't be a superpower. Snarker...No kidding! You've been reading this page so far and you haven't noticed how much of a smartass I am, that's more on you than me. Still, I guess I'm kind of snarky, right? It's a family curse, sorry, although somehow I managed to make this trait funny in contrast with my mum and dad who could only make it cruel and you know you love me for it.
- Death Seeker / Mortality Phobia: Yeah, somehow you can get both of these, who knew? On one hand, I engage in incredibly toxic and self-destructive behavior as a response to my godawful childhood and terrible life in general, on the other, the thought of actually dying is so damn terrifying... As my friend Herb may or may not have said, "There is no other side. This is it"
- Desperately Craves Affection: Not that I know what to do with it even when I get it...
- Does Not Like Spam: Seriously, what is WITH this damn town and honeydew melon?! Whoever looked at a fruit cup and went "hmmm, this needs more honeydew"? It's a garbage fruit for garbage people! Though after actually trying some at PC's wedding, I actually kind of liked it.
- Doom Magnet: As you can guess with the trope mentioned below (No not the funeral one, why would I-), no matter what I do, the ones I love always seem to suffer. Like I said earlier, it'd be easier to rename myself a walking disaster area.
- The "Fun" in "Funeral": Oh please, don't pretend you all haven't delivered a harsh and heartfelt eulogy at your mother's funeral, only to realize you were in the wrong funeral parlor! Maybe the audience consisting entirely of geckos should have tipped me off.
- Hero with an F in Good: Look, it's not my fault, okay? It's that every time I try to be nice, somebody ends up making things even worse!
- Hell the one time, I literally didn't give in to my impulse to drink due to a bad situation, it somehow led to Doctor Champ's life being ruined.
- Hilariously Abusive Childhood: Yeah, no. It wasn't "hilarious." My conniving, self-centered mother couldn't even bring herself to admit she made any mistakes raising me in a household where the volume was always turned all the way up. I mean, hey, I broke the Cycle of Revenge, what more do you want from me?
- Hollywood Pudgy: Are you calling me fat?! Just go ahead, say it, I'm fat! *sighs* Alright, if I'm honest, I'm in okay shape considering I'm a middle-aged alcoholic, but since I actually do live in Hollywood, surrounded by borderline anorexics who all look like they're near death most of the time, it does make me look fatter.
- Important Haircut: I'm almost 60 for god's sake, you really think I still have naturally black hair? I've been dying it for years. I finally decided to stop when I reunited with Sharona, who had been the hairdresser and makeup artist on Horsin' Around until... well, you can probably guess it was another selfish and stupid act on my part. She convinced me to cut my hair and wash out the dye, and... hm. It doesn't look too bad. More fitting my age, you know?
- Interrupted Suicide: It wasn't... look after Sarah Lynn died, it was rock bottom for me, alright? I'd screwed things up with Todd, Anna left me because Secretariat wasn't an Oscar nominee, then there's what happened in New Mexico. I wasn't going to... I mean, I just let go of the steering wheel, and let things happen as they might, but... well, then I saw that flock of wild horses running around, and I felt I had to stop.
- One time before Sarah Lynn died, I drove my Tesla into the pool and expected to drown. Unfortunately, this was all ruined by grrr...Mr. Peanutbutter. Thanks a lot, asshole.
- Wow, and I thought I was at rock bottom before. Atleast this time I can blame falling off the wagon for almost drowning in my pool...
- Jackass: C'mon, it's not that bad. A little selfishness here, a little rudeness there and too short of a fuse at times. That's all. Sometimes, it's people projecting how much their lives suck because of me...wait, that came out wrong, I meant...
- Jackass with a Heart of Gold: Hey, watch your mouth! I don't see it when it happens but according to others, I can be a genuine pain in the ass (or flank): rude, obnoxious, cowardly, snarky, arrogant and too full of myself. Even with all of that, I can act like a good person when I feel like it.
- Jackass with A Heart (and Look) of Jackass: You're seriously pushing my buttons with this word. Although, it'd be easier to count the times some (okay, okay, most) of the good I've done has been "Old Yeller"-ed while running for its life because of my persistent selfishness, insecurity, and impulsiveness. Can we at least count the times I've been trying to get the fuck out of doing this?
- In Touch with His Feminine Side: Not to the extent of Yellow Snitter over there. After all, there must be a reason why my best (fully clothed) relationships are with women. Which is not the same as saying they're functional or healthy, but c'mon: Diane? Hollyhock? Princess Carolyn? Compare them to my relationship with Mr. Peanutbutter and Todd, if you can call that a relationship. And it's not like I know how to handle or understand it, much less claim to speak for others. This might be why I thought it'd be a good thing that I became a feminist icon. Big mistake.
- Lies to Children: Come on, Todd doesn't count, he's just a Manchild, not a literal child! Oh, uh, unless you mean some of my interactions with Hollyhock? Fine, but in my defense, I confessed to her WAY faster than to most people I've lied to.
- Master Actor: Well, I don't mean to brag but let's say my experience on Horsin' Around didn't translate very well to media not focused on sitcom shenanigans. It'd be nicer if I could channel my acting skills without being on the edge of a nervous breakdown, though.
- My Greatest Failure: Uh... oh, God. There's a lot to pick from. Probably turning my back on my friend Herb on Horsin' Around. Or maybe when I went to New Mexico and almost slept with that teenage girl. No wait, it was letting Sarah Lynn die, especially when I didn't call for help right away. And then there was that time I sent a rehab doctor back on the sauce, which threatened his marriage with his husband. Ooh, but then there was... You know what, I'm done talking about this. Forget it.
- Near-Death Experience: It was... somehow both terrifying and pleasant. I mean, I did almost die, but I did get to see Herb again. And Sarah Lynn. And Zach Braff for some reason. I honestly forgot he was dead too. I don't know if it was just a dream, or if I really did see them all again, but... Well, I came back to life, so I guess I won't know for sure just yet.
- Only Sane Man: I'll admit I have my own hangups and obsessions, but have you ever actually been to Hollywoo? With the exception of Diane, sometimes I feel like I'm the only person here with even a basic level of common sense. Even Princess Carolyn, for all her normal competence, dated a guy who was clearly just three kids in a trenchcoat for god knows how long. To this day, I don't think she ever figured it out.
- Older Than They Look: Sure, I'm not quite the handsome devil I was in the '80s and '90s, but before I let my mane go back to its natural grey, would you have believed I was pushing 60?
- Platonic Life-Partners: There hasn't been any woman I've loved the way I love Diane. Ok, maybe PC, but that's another deal. I don't know if it could be classified as just "platonic", but we're like mirrors: one cool, one dorky. We talk alike, we understand each other and we help any way we can.
- Really Gets Around: In the 90's, my penis was like sun-dried tomatoes, it got into everything! It... made looking for Hollyhock's potential birth mother a real pain in the ass. And completely pointless, as it turns out
- Riches to Rags: The 5 million dollar settlement to Sarah Lynn's parents stung a bit, but getting sued for 100 million by the Xerox Corporation for accidentally associating myself with them wrung me dry, so right now, I'm broke, homeless, and crashing on Mr. Peanutbutters couch. Or I will, once my jail term is up. Well, at least it's rent-free... But, well, there is a "but". The whole controversy surrounding my trial was, according to people in the movie business, really great advertisement for that Horny Unicorn flick I made before going to jail, and it is poised to be a breakthrough hit that will revive my career, so apparently it is just a matter of short time before I'm back in the green... If I can be candid with you, that thought actually kind of worries me for once...
- Small Name, Big Ego: Hey! I'll have you know my ego is exactly as big as befits a huge star like me! It's not my fault everyone is jealous of my Horsin' Around fame!
- Surrounded by Idiots: Again, it's Hollywoo, I don't know if this town just attracts morons or if you get dumber just by living here. *sigh* Well, considering my track record, it's probably both...
- Unsympathetic Comedy Protagonist: Well, it's not that simple. Here's how it goes: I am an egocentric has-been (except not, I'm still relevant! See?) with a huge ego (Huge? One suggests having a Horsin' Around Horse Holiday once and people just blow it off proportions), entitlement issues (by the way, is this job paid? I know I'm doing it still, but I'd like to know so I can go. Kirkland snacks, bad reception, non-famous reading about me...seriously, the only good thing os far is me giving a monologue) and a tendency to treat my friends horribly (Huh, forgot my Tic-Tacs. Must be in the car...Oh, right. PB is probably in the passenger seat, locked. Forgot to slide the window down. Took the key, too. Meh, it's probably nothing), but I have my better moments and whenever I suffer, it's not exactly a happy occasion because I usually end up beating myself about it, which leads to bigger problems. Also, my general unhappiness with my life and relatable troubled personality often drains unpleasant thoughts and draws support from you, my fans.
- Villain Protagonist: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it there! I'm not a villain...well, I don't think I am. I have made my fair share of misdemeanors, but villain? I mean, I have (reluctantly) betrayed my best friend, hooked with one of my child co-stars's mother (which, apparently led to a divorce. Can't remember her face, though) committed Monumental Damage to impress a woman in a relationship, sabotaged a friend's dream to keep him around, almost slept with an old flame's daughter because of the resemblance, helped obliterate another cast member's weak resolve for sobriety which lead to her death and almost strangled a co-star during a drug binge. But I'm...I'm...I...........I.......I caused all of this. (beat) Maybe I'm not as likable as I could be. Not as good. But...but I-I'm not a bad guy. I-I-I...I try not to be. Some of the time. I...I could make a bigger effort, I guess. I'll make a bigger effort, I promise.
- What Could Have Been: I never really got over Charlotte, and often wondered what might have happened if I had taken her up on her invitation and went to Maine with her. I always liked to imagine her living in a cabin by a lake up there, and if I had gone with her... well... Of course, I eventually found out that she was only in Maine for a month, then moved to New Mexico, got married, had kids, the whole nine yards. I really shouldn't have been surprised.
- White Sheep: Before anyone asks, it's a metaphor. And I am willing to concede that sounds absurd to describe me as such (Especially coming from my mouth) but considering my father, my mother, and somehow even worse grandfather Joseph, I'm technically this by comparison. The true White Sheep (again metaphorical) is Hollyhock, who dodged a bullet by not meeting most of them when they were still alive. ...And by distancing herself from me. (beat) You made the right choice, Hollyhock.