This series is not written by Brandon Sanderson. I know, that's what it says on the cover, but Covers Always Lie. I'm Alcatraz Smedry, and I'm the real author of this series. I always tell the truth. Except when I lie. The reason it says "Brandon Sanderson" on the cover is because otherwise the Librarians would never allow it to be published. Brandon Sanderson has agreed to use his name as a cover for these series. He also writes a lot of his own books, but they are mostly a bunch of made-up fantasy stories about mist, storms, wheels and other such silly stuff. I've taken a look at some of his books, and most of them are really long, really big, and would make for a good Doorstopper, or maybe a blunt weapon.
The books I write are not overly long, and they are not fantasy, though we have to hide them in the fantasy section of bookstores and libraries. Neither are they, despite what others may have told you, light-hearted comedic fantasy books for children and young adults that can also be enjoyed by adults with a good sense of humor. Instead, they are serious, completely true books about politics, economics, history and my adventures fighting the Evil Librarian Cult that rules most of the world (The Hushlands) and is trying to take over the rest of the world (The Free Kingdoms).
What, you mean you don't believe that the Hushlands are controlled by an Evil Librarian Cult that uses its monopoly on information to manipulate the world into believing a bunch of lies? Well, just look at what they call themselves. Lie-brarians. Kind of obvious, isn't it?
Anyway, about me: I look like a normal, ordinary American kid, but I'm not normal. I'm a Smedry. (I know, the last name kind of gives it away.) The Smedries are a highly respected family in The Free Kingdoms; so respected that knights and such tend to call us lords and do what we say, even if we tell them to hop on one foot. One of the reasons we are respected is that we all have special Talents. For example, my grandfather is always late, one of my relatives is good at talking nonsense, I have an uncle that is really good at getting lost, and a cousin of mine is really ugly when she gets up in the morning.
My Talent is breaking things. Doorknobs are my specialty, but I can break everything from a chicken to an airplane. I'll probably break this Web site a few times, so if you see something broken, there isn't much point in trying to fix it because I'll probably break it again. I know that doesn't sound like much of a talent, but consider what would happen if someone tries to shoot a gun at me. The gun would break before it could even shoot.
Anyway, I'd tell you more, but if I tell you too much, you won't need to buy my books. Make sure you buy my books. For every one you buy, we donate money to the Alcatraz Smedry Wildlife Fund For Buying Alcatraz Smedry Cool Stuff. You can even use it as a coaster.
- Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians (2007)
- Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones (2008)
- Alcatraz Versus the Knights of Crystallia (2009)
- Alcatraz Versus the Shattered Lens (2010)
- Alcatraz Versus the Dark Talent (2016)