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Recap / Ted Lasso S3E02 "(I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea"

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(I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea

Written by: Sasha Garron
Directed by: MJ Delaney
Air date: 22 March 2023

Trent Crimm returns to Richmond looking to write a book on the team, which would involve him following the team for the entire season. Ted grants the request despite Rebecca, Keeley, and Higgins feeling it's a bad idea. The meeting is interrupted by the bombshell that Zava, a striker as famous for his skill as he is for his mercurial, egotistical tendencies, is leaving Juventus F.C. and looking to sign with a Premier League team. Even though the competition from other, wealthier teams will be stiff, Rebecca decides to try to sign Zava to spite Rupert. Meanwhile, word gets out that Keeley and Roy have broken up. The team tries to comfort Roy, but he insists that he's fine and that he's the one who initiated the breakup. Instead, Roy is more concerned with ensuring that no one on the team speaks to Trent Crimm.

Keeley struggles to bond with her new coworkers. While supervising a commercial shoot, she runs into Shandy, an old friend from her modeling days. Shandy expresses her admiration for Keeley succeeding as a self-made woman instead of remaining a professional WAG like her and all their other ex-model friends. Keeley decides to hire Shandy at her new PR firm, which her CFO Barbara disapproves of. Keeley calls out Barbara for being rude and convinces her to take a chance on Shandy. However, Keeley later questions her decision when Shandy suggests using Keeley's company credit card to buy mimosas.

Richmond prepares for their first match back in the Premier League, where they'll be playing Chelsea. Zava, who is reportedly planning to sign with Chelsea, arrives in the audience, to the excitement of everyone but Jamie. Chelsea scores against Richmond in the first half, leaving the score 1-0. At halftime, Jamie starts to offer a suggestion for how they could come back, but falls silent when Trent enters the locker room. Ted orders Roy to make peace with Trent so the team will talk in front of him. Roy pulls Trent aside and shows him a well-worn newspaper article he carries in his wallet: a caustic critique of a 17-year-old Roy's Premier League debut, written by Trent Crimm. Trent apologizes, the two make peace, and Roy informs the team that they're allowed to speak around Trent again. The players quickly figure out a weakness in Chelsea's offense and strategize a way to exploit it. The strategy succeeds, earning Richmond a draw.

In the stands, Rupert is seen talking to Zava, causing Rebecca to despairingly conclude that Rupert will poach Zava to West Ham. She explains to Keeley that Rupert always gets what he wants because he has a talent for making people feel special and lucky to receive his attention, which was how he originally convinced her to go out with him despite the fact that he was still married to his first wife at the time. Rebecca decides to try Rupert's own tactics and sweet-talk Zava into joining Richmond; instead, irritated by an encounter with Rupert, she ends up angrily calling out Zava as a coward who only signs with wealthy, high-ranking clubs that will win games with or without him. After the match, Chelsea hosts a press event so Zava can sign his contract on live TV, but he announces that he has decided to sign with Richmond instead, which surprises Rebecca just as much as the press. The Richmond players and fans are overjoyed, again with the notable exception of Jamie.

Back in the Richmond coaches' office that night, Ted and Trent talk to Roy about what it was like being back at Chelsea. Roy tells them about his last season playing at Chelsea and how he spent the whole year preoccupied by the realization that he was no longer good enough to keep up with the most elite athletes, which led to his decision to leave for Richmond. He admits that returning to Chelsea made him wonder if he should have stayed and just enjoyed himself instead of quitting for the sake of his pride. Ted amuses Roy by pointing out that if he hadn't left Chelsea, the two of them never would have met. Trent muses on the nature of sport, which he calls "quite the metaphor."


Tropes featured in "(I Don't Want to Go to) Chelsea" include:

  • Actually Pretty Funny: Jamie can be seen snickering when Roy first yells at Trent in front of the team. Later, when Roy and Trent head into the showers during halftime to squash their beef, Jamie admits that it’s funny when Roy yells at other people.
  • Adaptation Displacement: invoked Ted briefly forgets that The Office (US) is actually an American remake of the UK series after hearing Zava's wife wants to move to England after binging the latter.
  • Badass Bystander: Beard explains to Ted that he does actually know who Zava is, as he had previously gone viral thanks to security footage of a supermarket robbery which he disrupted by calming walking up to the masked thug and headbutting him, before nonchalantly paying for his items and stepping over the unconscious body of the crook as he left.
  • Badass Longcoat: Rupert wears a beautiful, shiny, evil black coat; Rebecca wears a gorgeous, warm knee-length coat. Meanwhile, Zava wears an absurd fur coat with a fringe.
  • Benevolent Boss: Keeley wants her employees at KJPR to have a cheerful time at work. However, Barbara says that she's known the staff for years and that high-strung awkwardness is them being cheerful.
  • Black Comedy Burst: Dani mentions he used to play in El Chapo's youth league and recalls being nervous about playing in front of the notorious drug lord himself.
  • Blunt "Yes": When Trent asks Rebecca whether she only intends to sign Zava so that Rupert's West Ham can't sign him, Rebecca ignores Ted, Higgins, and Keeley gesturing to say no, and simply replies "Yes".
  • Bunny-Ears Lawyer: immediately after Isaac asks Keeley to get him an endorsement deal for shoes (not a brand of shoes, just shoes in general) he's able to figure out that Keeley and Roy have broken up from observing their body language from a distance for a few seconds.
  • But for Me, It Was Tuesday: Subverted. Trent initially doesn't seem to understand why Roy is being so hostile towards him and assumes he's just being protective of the team. When Roy brings up the article Trent wrote about his debut, however, Trent not only remembers it as soon as Roy begins reading it but also recalls exactly what drove him to write such an unfairly critical piece.
  • Call-Back: In this episode, we learn exactly why Roy called Trent "a colossal prick" all the way back in Season 1.
  • Character Development: It's a sign of how much Roy has softened up that, when Ted tells him to make amends with Trent, he does so immediately, with no hesitation or bitterness, and he means it.
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Part of the team's confusion is wild, failing to understand why Zava would write a book about Trent Crimm.
    • Early on Isaac asks Keeley if she can get him a endorsement deal for shoes. Not a particular brand of shoes, but just shoes in general.
  • Dare to Be Badass: Rebecca accuses Zava of being "overhyped", pointing out that he seeks out clubs like Chelsea and West Ham because they're already guaranteed to win games, and that if he really wanted to prove he's as good as he says, he'd sign for a weaker team like Richmond, where there's no place for him to hang back and hide. This gets to Zava, and signing for Richmond is exactly what he decides to do.
  • Disproportionate Retribution: Upon learning Trent Crimm will be following the team to write a book about their season, Roy tells the players that if any of them utters a single word in front of the man he will headbutt them.
  • Don't Do Anything I Wouldn't Do: Trying to lighten up the mood, Keeley says this word for word to her coworkers when she leaves the office for the day. One of them is left wondering what exactly it is that Keeley wouldn't do.
  • Don't You Dare Pity Me!: When the team find out about Roy's breakup with Keeley and offer him some sympathy, Roy angrily snaps at them.
  • Faint in Shock: Ted does this when he learns from the team that Roy and Keeley broke up.
  • Foreshadowing:
    • In the locker room during halftime, it's mentioned that the team only made one goal attempt the entire half, and it was just Dani accidentally getting hit in the face and almost getting it in the goal. In the second half, the team works together to make another shot attempt, but it hits the crossbeam and then Dani's face to go into the goal.
    • When Zava apologises to Keeley for being late to his presentation and making her job harder, she assures him that there's No Such Thing as Bad Publicity. Some of Shandy's future PR stunts will embody that same mantra, much to Keeley's own horror.
  • Friendship Moment:
    • Keeley is shocked and charmed by Barbara's snow globe collection. It allows them to bond and Barbara gives Keeley advice on how to give her friend a job.
    • Subverted when Trent tries to approach Roy as a friend and Roy tells him to Fuck. Off.
    • Later, Roy lets Trent in, talking about his past at Chelsea, and how he realized he was getting too old to play football. Trent remembers the game. They both love football.
  • Gilligan Cut: Hearing the team has landed Zava, Jamie mutters "the fans aren't going to like this." Cut to the bar as all the Richmond fans are chanting Zava's name.
  • History Repeats:
    • Shandy is another model/WAG with underutilized talents who gets taken under the wing of her more successful female friend, with Keeley having gone from mentee to mentor.
    • It turns out that before marrying him, divorcing him due to years of infidelity and seeing herself getting replaced by a younger wife, Rebecca used to be yet another woman Rupert cheated on his (presumably more age-appropriate) previous wife with. After all, despite his frequent jabs at her age, Rupert is about 20 years older than Rebecca.
  • I'll Kill You!: Roy yells this at Jamie when he assumes that Jamie leaked the news of his and Keeley's breakup. Or rather, being Roy, he yells, "I'll fucking kill you!"
  • Internal Reveal: Ted, Beard and the team find out about Roy and Keeley's break-up.
  • It's Personal: Trent once wrote a really hurtful article about Roy, when Roy was seventeen years old. Trent was also early in his career, trying to make a name for himself by being edgy.
  • Jerkass Has a Point: In her bluntness, Barbara has a point that hiring someone like Shandy, who lacks qualifications and experience, into a managerial role is a huge risk, especially for a boutique start-up like KJPR. Keeley shows a hint of buyer's remorse when Shandy says that they should use the company credit card to have mimosas at work.
  • Junior Counterpart: Keeley runs into her old roommate Shandy. Like Keeley in Season 1, she's jumping between lowbrow modelling gigs and being a WAG, but unlike her, she hasn't gotten out yet and her opportunities are drying up. When Shandy has a great idea during the shoot, Keeley sees her potential and hires her on the spot.
  • The Killjoy: Keeley finds herself struggling with her CFO Barbara's no-nonsense personality clashing with her desire to make the office more fun.
  • The Knights Who Say "Squee!": Pretty much the reaction everyone has to Zava qualifies; Jamie is the only person shown in the episode who isn't starstruck by Zava's presence.
  • Nice to the Waiter: Being one of Chelsea's former top stars doesn't stop grumpy Roy from being amicable with an old security guard.
  • The Nicknamer: Ted gives Trent the nickname "Sport" after the Chelsea game.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed:
    • Zava's hair, beard, fashion sense, ego, and Third-Person Person tendencies all bring Zlatan Ibrahimović to mind. He even has the transfer history to match.
    • As befitting his character's inspiration Chicharito, Dani Rojas accidentally scores a goal with his face, which Chicharito also did in his first game with Manchester United.
  • Noodle Incident: Arlo asks Chris if he ever scored a goal with his face. Chris responds with "I've scored with every part of my body, Arlo; what a ridiculous question." note 
  • Nothing Personal: Even though he now coaches the team they're playing against, the Chelsea fans are absolutely ecstatic to see Roy back on their pitch again and start singing his chant.
  • Not Me This Time: When Roy learns everyone else has found out about his breakup with Keeley, he immediately assumes Jamie told them all and rounds on him. Jamie explains that they were already talking about it before he even entered the room - presumably it was Isaac who told the others.
  • Not So Above It All:
    • Trent gives his approval when Rebecca confirms his suspicion that Richmond are only going in for Zava - an arrogant player he notes the club can't afford - because they don't want the club owned by her ex-husband to sign him.
    • Coach Beard, who's normally The Stoic, lets out a shocked squeak and runs back into the room when Roy says he dumped Keeley.
  • "Not So Different" Remark: When Roy and Trent finally have the talk about the former's decades-long animosity towards him, Roy points out how they actually had a lot in common: both were insecure about their abilities, and both covered it up in unhealthy ways (Roy with his signature rage on the pitch, and Trent by being edgy and snarky in his articles).
  • Once Done, Never Forgotten: Roy's been holding a grudge toward Trent Crimm for decades over a biting comment Crimm wrote about Roy's professional debut. He's even been carrying it around with him in his wallet every since.
  • O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Ted gives Roy a very harsh lecture about how he needs to get over whatever happened with him and Trent because his ego's about to ruin the team's entire game. It's some of the harshest he's ever been when alcohol isn't involved, but Roy takes it to heart and makes up with him right then and there.
  • Pop-Cultural Osmosis Failure: Ted has to explain what Hallmark Christmas movies are to Roy, as no-one else on the team (except Beard) knows what they are since they're more of an American institution.
  • Proscenium Reveal: We see Keeley at a raging nightclub, but then the music stops and we see she's just on the set of a commercial she's producing. The lamb inexplicably standing on the dancefloor does give it away a little.
  • "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Rebecca gives one to Zava, and it ultimately sways him to sign with Richmond.
    Rebecca: You are such a fucking chickenshit. I mean, if you were great, truly great, you could play anywhere. But instead you choose a club like West Ham, because it's big and shiny, and you know that they'll win whether you're there or not. And you'll never have to wonder if you're still as good as you tell everyone you are. But you and I know that you're not. You're overrated. You're overpaid. And you eat too much fucking asparagus.
  • The Reveal: It's revealed that the reason Roy hates Trent Crimm so much is because Trent wrote a scathing article about Roy after he played poorly in his professional debut when he was 17 years old, which made him feel worse than he already did. He kept a copy of the article on his person every day after as motivation.
  • Serious Business: Roy has some serious issues with Trent that he leaves unexplained for most of the episode and the whole team immediately jumps on board with Roy demanding no one speak with Trent.
  • Sherlock Scan: Isaac realises that Roy and Keeley broke up from their body language as they talk out of earshot.
  • Shipper on Deck:
    • The entirety of AFC Richmond is so invested in the Roy-Keeley relationship, the breakup announcement leads to vocal arguments, fainting, and a whole desk of sympathy cards for Roy.
    • Bruce, a security guard at Chelsea familiar with Roy from his time playing there, also expresses his sympathies to Roy and notes that Roy and Keeley were perfect together.
  • Spoiler Title: A major subplot of the episode is who Zava is going to sign for, with Chelsea being the frontrunners and even scheduling a press conference to announce his signing. Now re-read the episode title, and take a wild guess what Zava says at the press conference. note 
  • Take That!: Ted's whole description of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies that he gives to Roy:
    Hallmark Christmas movies are films that feature women from the big city falling in love with their childhood crushes. It's usually some fella that owns a Christmas tree farm. Sometimes he's also Santa Claus or a prince. They suck, but they're great. But they also mostly suck. But they're also kinda great. They're good with the sound off.
  • Tempting Fate: On two separate occasions, Higgins assures Rebecca that there's nothing Rupert can do to stop Zava's impending move to Chelsea, and on both occasions, Rebecca lampshades it by telling him he's just jinxed it. Sure enough, Rupert is seen at Stamford Bridge buttering Zava up, causing Higgins to sheepishly admit that he really did jinx it. Luckily, Rebecca is able to intervene and derail Rupert's efforts.
  • Titled After the Song: "(I Don't Want To Go To) Chelsea" is an Elvis Costello song.
  • What Are Records?: When Ted asks Will to go to his apartment and fetch his breakup mixtape CD, Will sincerely asks him what a CD is.
  • What, Exactly, Is His Job?: Keeley hires her friend Shandy for her firm and gives her a meaningless job title she makes up on the spot, to Barbara's annoyance. Subverted later when Barbara softens up a bit and suggests an actual position that Shandy can hold.
  • What the Hell, Hero?:
    • Part of Jamie offering empathy to Roy is asking why the hell he would dump Keeley.
    • In one of the few moments where Ted shows genuine flashes of anger, he pulls Roy aside and says that Roy better sort out his issues with Trent Crimm quickly or else his sour attitude will negatively impact the team.
  • Who's on First?: When Ted informs the team that they’re going in for Zava and that Trent Crimm is writing a book about Richmond, the players get increasingly confused as the conversation moves forward and wind up questioning why Zava is coming to Richmond to write a book about Trent Crimm.

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