There's a reason they say "Leave this to the professionals."
Recording: Colour e teal.
Crypt Keeper: Killer e teal.
Recording: Ooh, e la fanette.
Crypt Keeper: (revealed to be wearing a beret, a mustache, an ascot, and a striped shirt, seated in front of a bottle of wine, and a plate of cheese, grapes, and crackers; the tape recorder he's practicing with sits next to him) Boo, e la fanette. (cackles; speaking in a French accent) Bon soir, kiddies! I was just in the middle of my French lesson. Your pal, ze Crypt Keeper, has decided to see Le Mans! (in his normal voice) Imagine me in gay Scaree, sitting in a nice little café on the rot bank, sipping a glass of Cha-bleed while I write ghost-cards home to all my fiends. (cackles) Or I could stay home and tell you tonight's tale. It concerns an ambitious young magician who wants to expand his gore-izons, too, in a tasteless trick called: Well Cooked Hams.
Miles Federman (Billy Zane), protégé of stage magician Zorbin the Magnificent (Martin Sheen), has been trying to make it as a magician in his own right, three months after Zorbin mysteriously disappeared. Miles, however, is an incompetent hack who blames everyone else for his own incompetence, including his assistant Greta Kreutzel (Maryam d'Abo), who formerly worked with Zorbin, who he fires. She notices that Miles is wearing a medallion that had belonged to Zorbin and accuses him of killing the performer, which he jokingly confirms. He laughs off her promise that she's going to call the police, since there's no body to prove her claims. As Greta leaves, a mysterious stranger approaches her and addresses her by name.
After yet another failed show, the stranger introduces himself to Miles as a fellow magician named Franz Kraygen, who invites Miles to see his show. Kraygen ends the show with his greatest trick: the Box of Death. He's chained up and locked inside a box, with swords set to pierce the sides and a bowl of sulfuric acid on top, rigged to pour in through a hole in the roof. When the devices are tripped, Kraygen falls out of the box bloodied and screaming, only to stand up alive and well a moment later. As he meets Miles in his dressing room, Kraygen starts to tell Miles the secret of the trick, but stops when he realizes that Miles only wants to steal it for his own act. Miles stabs Kraygen through the heart and dumps his body in a river, taking the box for himself.
Miles starts using the Box of Death in his own act, drawing sold-out crowds. A man by the name of Thomas Miller introduces himself to Miles and offers to film his latest show for exhibition in theaters across the country. Miles accepts Miller's deal, enticed by the promise of royalties. As the finale begins, Greta slips backstage and sabotages the trick panel in the Box of Death that allows for the occupant to escape safely. Trapped inside the box, Miles is stabbed by the swords and burned by the acid. As he falls out and collapses before the panicking crowd, Miller reveals himself to be Kraygen, who then reveals himself to be Zorbin, who had planned the entire scheme with Greta's assistance to get revenge on Miles for trying to kill him. Zorbin takes back his medallion once Miles dies, and he and Greta receive a standing ovation from the crowd.
Tropes:
- The Ace: Zorbin the Magnificent is said to be the ultimate stage magician, astoundingly good at tricks, escapes, disguises, and the like. He proves just how "magnificent" he is by faking his death by Miles' hand and disguising himself as not one, but two completely different people to gradually screw him over and kill him as revenge for his attempted murder.
- Acting for Two: Or rather, three. Martin Sheen plays Zorbin, Kraygen, and Thomas Miller. It's justified because the last two are disguises worn by Zorbin.
- All Part of the Show: The audience at Miles' final show burst into applause when he dies onstage, and celebrate the triumphant come back of Zorbin the Magnificent.
- Asshole Victim: Miles, whose death brings joy and applause to everyone, In-Universe and to the viewer.
- Batman Gambit: Zorbin faked his murder by Miles and disguised himself as two completely different people to get Miles stuck in the Box of Death, rehire Greta so she could sabotage it, and taunt Miles in front of his audience as he dies as part of his grand comeback, as well as revenge on his treacherous student.
- Beleaguered Assistant: Greta can't stand Miles and his incompetence onstage. It's very clearly expressed in her Body Language, but she's forced to keep herself smiling for the audience. She can't stand it anymore and just walks off, after which Miles fires her for what he believes to be incompetence. The poor girl gets him back in a most satisfying manner, with the help of her new (former) boss.
- Rachel and Cassandra, the two other assistants who act as Greta's replacements aren't treated any better by Miles, either.
- Card-Carrying Villain: Miles, who shamelessly reveals that he (possibly) murdered his mentor three months ago, and hasn't been arrested because there was no body, flaunting how wicked he is to the infuriated Greta, who he already belittled and fired at this point.
- Changing Clothes Is a Free Action: Zorbin is able to disguise himself with remarkable speed, and does so when reveals himself to the dying Miles, changing from Thomas Miller to Kraygen (makeup included), then to his regular self in seconds.
- Cool Old Guy: Zorbin, who survived Miles' attempts on his life and proves himself to be one step ahead of his former student. It's clear at this point just why he's called "the Magnificent".
- Dastardly Whiplash: Miles can be considered one of these, since he's got the requisite moustache and style, and the appropriate musical cues are played on a honky-tonk piano when he's performing.
- Defiant to the End: Kraygen will never tell Miles how he pulls of the Box of Death, even when Miles kills him.
- The Dog Bites Back: Greta, the Lovely Assistant who has been mistreated by Miles every chance he got and was ultimately fired by the prick, gets revenge on him by teaming up with her former employer Zorbin to sabotage the Box of Death, which kills Miles.
- Earn Your Happy Ending: Greta gets her happy ending by helping to kill the Jerkass Miles and becoming assistant to Zorbin once again.
- Zorbin himself gets a happy ending by killing his treacherous student and making his grand return to the stage before an adoring crowd.
- The Edwardian Era: The episode is hinted to be set in this time period, seeing as how Thomas Miller presents his "moving picture camera" and his idea to film Miles' show so it can be copied and screened in theaters worldwide to be "the future of entertainment".
- Escape Artist: Kraygen, and later Miles, escape from the Box of Death as the grand finale to their acts.
- Exact Words: Miles' reveal to Greta that he killed Zorbin mentions that the body was never found. Kraygen (Zorbin in disguise) later tells him that while he hid the body, he never bothered to check if he was actually dead.
- Facial Horror: Kraygen, and later Miles, get hit with a heavy dose of this when they're doused with the sulfuric acid. At first, it's revealed to be makeup, but the end has Miles getting hit with genuine horror.
- Failed a Spot Check: As Kraygen (Zorbin) tells the dying Miles, he should've checked to make sure he was actually dead before he got rid of his body.
- Faking the Dead: Zorbin fakes his death by Miles' hand twice, disguising himself as both Kraygen and Miller to screw over his former student for trying to kill him.
- The Box of Death is meant to allow a magician to cheat death for their audience.
- Foreshadowing: Related to the above trope, Miles tells Greta that Zorbin's body wasn't found near the sight of his death. This turns out to be because Zorbin survived the murder attempt, and disguised himself as both Kraygen and Miller to get back at Miles for his treachery.
- Kraygen is even first seen peeking on Miles as he gazes at a poster of Zorbin, hinting at his true identity.
- Kraygen also specializes in tricks involving fire, which Miles seems to have learned from Zorbin and performs in the opening scene.
- Kraygen's own assistant gives a glare at Miles, hinting that she's actually Greta, whom Kraygen hired earlier, and that she's got plans for the bastard.
- The Box of Death is shaped like a coffin, and it's what kills Miles in the end.
- For Want Of A Nail: When Greta storms out of Miles' dressing room, she returns to grab her headdress, where she sees Zorbin's medallion being worn by Miles and learns that Miles attempted to kill Zorbin himself, this insignificant action setting off the plot.
- Funetik Aksent: Greta and Kraygen (Zorbin in disguise) speak in strong European accents. Kraygen's is particularly over-the-top.
- Funny Foreigner: Kraygen, the magician who originally owns the Box of Death.
- Gasp!: Greta releases an rather hilarious and over-the-top gasp when Miles' flaming wand comes into contact with her barely shielded hands.
- Gay Paree: The Crypt Keeper introduces the episode telling the viewers that he's learning French (with his usual puns, of course) in preparation for a trip to Paris. He's wearing a shirt with blue stripes, a beret and a mustache to enforce some Hollywoodian clichés pertaining to France (mostly Paris).
- Gone Horribly Wrong: Miles' last attempt to use the Box of Death backfires horrifically, due to Greta sabotaging it.
- Gratuitous German: Zorbin mixes some genuine German ("Kommen Sie!") with his Funetik Aksent English phrases when he's disguised as Kraygen.
- The Grotesque: Kraygen (actually a disguised Zorbin) is a hunchback with a Sinister Schnoz.
- Hated by All: Greta and Zorbin, belittled and almost killed by Miles, respectively, absolutely loathe him. And that's nothing to say of his bored audience in the first scene.
- Hate Sink: Miles is an absolute bastard who treats everyone who isn't him like shit, and kills both his mentor and another magician to steal their illusions to gain fame. His death actually has the In-Universe audience applauding as he dies.
- Hollywood Acid: The Box of Death has a bowl of sulfuric acid that is dumped on whomever is inside, to increase the spectacle when the trick is performed. Kraygen demonstrates how strong it is by completely dissolving a flower in the stuff.
- Homage: The episode is one to the early hey-days of stage magic, and illusionary artists such as Harry Houdini.
- Impossibly Awesome Magic Trick: The Box of Death, which appears to kill Kraygen onstage, but he survives being stabbed with several swords and dunked with sulfuric acid. When Miles tries the trick himself, it's sabotaged and actually kills him.
- Inept Mage: Miles is a terrible magician who always blames everyone else when a trick goes wrong, and he only achieves true success when he steals the prop of a fellow magician, whom he kills.
- Is There a Doctor in the House?: Miles pleads with the audience to get a doctor when he's dying from his botched attempt of the Box of Death.
- It's All About Me: Miles only wants to be the best magician who ever lived, and has no problem firing his assistants or killing other magicians and taking their props for himself to do so.
- Leave the Camera Running: In-Universe. Zorbin, disguised as Thomas Miller, leaves the camera he was operating running as Miles dies on stage, handing it off to Greta so she can keep it running.
- Loser Protagonist: Miles is a horrible stage magician who blames everyone else for his own lack of talent. He only gets huge audiences when he kills two other magicians and steals their tricks. He's outdone and ultimately done in by his mentor, as revenge for trying to kill him.
- Lovely Assistant: Greta, played by Maryam d'Abo (Bond Girl of The Living Daylights), who once worked as the assistant for Zorbin, then was forced to do so for Miles. When she quits, Miles hires two other attractive assistants, Rachel and Cassandra, to assist him. Greta later gets her job back with Zorbin when she helps him kill Miles as revenge for almost killing him.
- Magic Misfire: Greta sabotages the Box of Death during Miles' finale, turning what's meant to be a masterful illusion into an actual death trap that kills Miles.
- Magic Wand: Miles uses one in the opening scene, which catches fire to show how lousy he is at stage magic.
- The Magnificent: Zorbin's stage name, and the end shows that he truly lives up to the name.
- Master of Disguise: Zorbin very convincingly disguises himself as fellow magician Franz Kraygen (with glasses, a long nose, and a ham-tastic Funetik Aksent with shades of Gratuitous German) and as filmmaker Thomas Miller (with a beard and an over-the-top Southern accent). His skills are enough to easily fool Miles, and the ending shows he can even switch between the disguises in mere seconds.
- Meaningful Name: Miles is an literal Miles Gloriosus who thinks of himself as the greatest magician alive.
- Memento MacGuffin: Zorbin's treasured family medallion, which clues Greta in on the fact that Miles had (or at the very least tried) killed Zorbin. The episode ends with Zorbin collecting it from Miles' body and putting it around his neck once again.
- Miles Gloriosus: True to the Meaningful Name mentioned above, Miles, a talentless loser, thinks himself to be an astounding magician.
- Never Found the Body: Miles admits that Zorbin's body was never found after revealing to Greta that he killed him, and he uses the fact that there's no proof to escape being arrested for doing so.
- Never My Fault: When it comes to magic, Miles thinks of himself as an expert. In reality, he's a talentless hack who blames everyone else when something goes wrong. The opening scene has him reprimanding and ultimately firing Greta when he walked out of his act after a failed trick, ignoring the fact that the trick failed because he threw his wand, which was on fire, into her unprotected hands.
- Not Quite Dead: It turns out Zorbin survived Miles attempts to kill him, and he disguised himself both as Thomas Miller and Franz Kraygen to get revenge on his traitorous student for what he did.
- Older Hero vs. Younger Villain: Billy Zane (Miles) is 26 years younger than Martin Sheen (Zorbin, Kraygen, and Miller), even though Zorbin veers on being an Anti-Hero who deliberately causes Miles' death.
- Playing with Fire: One of Miles' tricks, which he performs twice, has him trying to summon flames from his hat. It goes awry rather quickly when his wand catches fire the first time, and both times the flowers he summons from the hat catch fire as well.
- Kraygen also appears to fire a burst a flame from his hand when inviting Miles to see his own show. His hat is seen smoldering when he's onstage, hinting that he shares a similarity (or a connection) to Miles' act.
- Post-Mortem One-Liner: Miles utters a sarcastic "Ta-da!" when he kills Kraygen.
- Pre-Mortem One-Liner: Zorbin tears into Miles, the apprentice who tried to kill him, with an awesome one just before he dies.Zorbin: Oh, Miles. Once a student, always a student. You're dismissed.
- Pull a Rabbit out of My Hat: Miles does a variation of the trick in the opening scene, summoning fire from his hat. He then pulls out a bouquet of flowers out of the same hat, which then catch fire.
- Rasputinian Death: If what Miles says is true, he initially killed Zorbin by poisoning his brandy, shooting him in the brain, and then having an elephant step on his head.
- The Box of Death is supposed to create the illusion of one of these, given that it stabs its user several times and dumps sulfuric acid on their head.
- Silent Movie: Thomas Miller tells Miles that he intends to film his show with a "moving picture camera", which he describes as "the future of entertainment" while Miles calls it a toy, so it can be distributed in theaters. This gradually hints that the episode is set when silent films were just beginning to break the mold.
- Smug Snake: Miles thinks he can kill two magicians, steal their tricks, and get away with it. It turns out that he sucks at stage magic, and his murder attempts end up causing his own downfall when said magician(s) survive and get him back.
- Speak in Unison: Miles' replacement assistants after he fires Greta do this near the end of the episode.
- Stage Magician: Zorbin is astoundingly good at stage magic. Miles, not so much. Zorbin also passes himself off as Franz Kraygen, another stage magician with an over-the-top Funetik Aksent, in order to trick Miles into setting his own death.
- Stealth Pun: Miles is a literal Miles Gloriosus.
- Stepford Smiler: Greta has to keep this attitude as long as she's onstage, no matter how much Miles pisses her off, to the point where she walks off in disgust. The two assistants who Miles replaces her with, Rachel and Cassandra, do better at hiding their disgust, but they similarly tear into him offstage.
- Take This Job and Shove It: Greta tells Miles that she's quitting as his assistant when he fires her after their failed magic show.
- Those Two Girls: Rachel and Cassandra, Miles' replacements for Greta, who are never seen apart.
- Villain Protagonist: Miles, who nearly kills two magicians to steal their tricks for his own shows.
- World of Ham: Miles and Zorbin (as Kraygen, Miller, and himself) are incredibly hammy, which is sort of required to perform their onstage, after all. With a title like "Well Cooked Hams", this trope is pretty much a given for this episode.
- You Have Outlived Your Usefulness: Zorbin taught Miles about the world of stage magic in the hopes that he'd go on to be a great magician. Miles thanked his mentor by trying to kill him so he could become more famous than him.
Crypt Keeper: (having removed his mustache and beret) Poor Miles! Just when he's ready to take the hacked on the road, he ends up on the silver scream! Still, I think he deserves another chance to get it right. You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, die, die again! (cackles) As for me, kiddies, I'm just about ready to go. (holds up his documentation) Got my passport, my die-tinerary, and my ticket for the Con-gored. All I need now are my shots. (whips out a handgun and shoots himself in the mouth, the bullet exits through the back of his head and ricochets around the room) Ain't travel a blast? (cackles)
