Recap / One Thousand Ways To Die Season 4

Episode 67: Enter the Ferret

#780: Critter in the S***er

A Scotsman competing in a contest to see who can keep ferrets in their pants the longest bleeds out when the ferrets in his pants (which he starved to make more docile) eat at his hemorrhoids.

Reggie went looking for a record. The ferrets went looking for blood. Final score: Ferrets won, Reggie done.

#141: Fat Man in a Little Swing

A fat drunk squeezes himself into a baby swing on a dare. His friends leave him hanging, his cries for help go unheeded, and he eventually dies of a ruptured appendix.

Fred stuffed his blubber into a baby swing, and won his bet. But in the end, he was the biggest... loser.

#128: TK Uh-O

A female boxer dehydrates herself to keep weight. When penalized for an illegal move, she hits herself in the head and accidentally kills herself due to the dehydration shrinking her brain and causing it to rattle in her skull like an egg in a shaken jar.

Poundstone was an up-and-comer who played dirty. She dropped too much weight, and wound up... a dead ringer.

#216: Out to Launch

A group of stoners use the back wheel of a motorcycle to increase the speed of a playground carousel. One of the stoners tries to ride it, only to get thrown off and have his head pierced by a horseshoe pole.

Most of Nicky's brain cells had already gone up in smoke. The ones that were left blew out... the back of his head.

#613: Vat's All Folks

A crooked cemetery owner exhumes and dissolves bodies in hydrofluoric acid to make room for more bodies. When his ex-con coworkers refuse to partake in this scumbaggery, the owner tries to do it himself, only to fall into the vat of acid and get burned from the inside out.

Demetrius was a grave-robbin', body-snatchin', corpse-burnin' bastard. He died as he lived... horribly!

#99: Tunnel Vision

Two rival Philly cheesesteak vendors get into a food fight over customers. Things escalate when one vendor throws a Molotov cocktail. He accidentally catches on fire, runs like crazy, and, in true Wile E. Coyote fashion, runs into a painting of a tunnel and fractures his skull.

Dennis wound up in a Philly food fight, then some chalk art ate his lunch, but in the end, his cheesesteak was... to die for.

#985: A Chainus Runs Through It

A blowhard tattooist, jealous of the attention his co-worker's split tongue gets, gets a piercing consisting of a chain going down his mouth, through his GI tract, out his ass, and back around, which he dubs "the Chainus". When a biker comes in, pissed at the artist for giving him a Chinese tattoo that says "douchebag" (the biker found out what it actually said when he met someone who could read Chinese), he makes a run for it, but his chain gets caught on a forklift and he gets his innards ripped up.

Zeke thought the Chainus would raise his career to new heights. It gave him a lift, but left him... hanging.

Episode 68: Think Globally, Die Locally

#407: Grilled

A Chinese sweatshop owner obsessed with gangsta rap gets killed by his put-upon workers when they give him a grill lined with rosary peas, which contains a toxic substance called abrin.

If Hung Lo can rap, so can I. "Nothing could be fine-a than Hung Lo dead in China." (laughs)

#279: Hole 'n Done

A washed-up, egotistical golfer loses at mini-golf against a kindly old lady whom the crowd loves more than him. In a fit of rage, he throws his club at the scoreboard, which breaks, causing a piece to impale him through the heart.

Martin couldn't cut it as a pro, then he got hustled by an old beaty. In the end, he lost his head, and then got... the shaft.

#144: Cross Bown'd

A paranoid lottery winner buys, among other things, a butler, a mansion, several expensive whores, and a crossbow for protection. He fires it at a self-portrait, goes to retrieve the crossbow bolt, and electrocutes himself, since the bolt got stuck in a power line.

Theodore: I fear the master has expired.
Hooker: Am I still going to get paid?

#183: Namas-dead

A Jerkass yoga instructor chases her students away with her constant flatulence. Stuck in a yoga position, she tries to hobble across the studio, but falls down the stairs and lands face-first in a meditation pool, losing consciousness and drowns.

Betty was a yoga meanie by turning her class into gas warfare. She lost her students, but in the end, she invented a new pose... Downward. Facing. Dead.

#355: Bowled Over

Some hipsters try to go viral with high-speed camera clips of things in slow-motion, like women drinking malt liquor and stuff getting dropped from a bridge. When they drop a bowling ball, it shatters, causing a shard to go through one hipster's eye and medulla oblongata.

Narrator: It’s a pretty cynical bunch here over here on 1,000 Ways to Die. We’re not about to shed any tears for one dead hipster. We’ll let her do it.
Woman: YOU KILLED HIM!

#371: Hacked Off

A hacker modifies the pacemaker implanted in his heart so he can control his heartbeat manually, since it's never been done before — though he finds out why when a bratty gamer kid's wireless video game controller gets caught on the pacemaker's wireless frequency. When the kid rage-quits over losing and shuts off his controller, he also shuts down the hacker's heart.

Alton was a hacker who hacked his own ticker, then a gamer took over and his ticker went quicker. The gamer groaned, but it was Alton... who got owned.

#253: War-Done

A jerkass prison warden (who just announced to his prisoners that all contact with the outside world has been shut off, meaning no mail, no packages, and no visits, conjugal or otherwise) swipes cupcakes from a prisoner and eats them, not knowing that the one he ate had PCP in the frosting. While going on a drug-fueled frenzy and diving off his desk, security guards try to knock him out with a flashbang grenade. The grenade rolls too close to the warden's head and blows it open.

Warden Hadley stole some cupcakes. One packed a powerful PCP punch. He got his just desserts when he flipped out, tripped out and lost... his head.

Episode 69: Tweets From the Dead

#680: Pretty Fly for a Dead Guy

A hardcore insectophobe sets up giant sheets of fly paper around his house in the hopes of killing them all, only to be Hoist by His Own Petard when he tries to swat a mosquito and gets stuck on the fly paper himself. He dies of starvation and dehydration days later, and the bugs he so hated use his corpse as an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Egon wanted all bugs to be gone. But then his super fly paper turned into die paper. In the end, he went from a no-fly zone to Meet the Beatles.

#397: Bucky Boned

A businessman trying to cover his tracks after a failed Ponzi scheme keels over dead while he and his secretary work furiously to shred papers before the feds can catch them. Did he die of a stress-related ulcer? A heart attack? No. He slammed a stress ball so hard that some magnetic balls landed into his boba tea, which he drank. The balls tore through his intestines when attracted to each other.

Lenny swallowed a bucky, things got really sucky, and now Lenny's a dead ducky.

#595: Wedding Crasher

A jilted man objects to his ex-girlfriend's wedding by ripping his clothes off and showing her what she's leaving behind (his giant member, for one). He gets chased by the congregation through a window that he mistook for an open door, slicing his body to ribbons.

Carla chose stability and money over her hot-headed ex. Perry decided to show everyone exactly what she would be missing. Carla said "I do", and then Perry said... "I'm done".

#372: Meat Your Maker

Two thieves, not related to each other or working together, try to rob a meat truck. One thief gets locked in the back by accident while the other hijacks it. During the ensuing car chase with a cop, the first thief gets jostled in the truck before falling on a meat hook.

Death: It's what for dinner.

#252: Well Chung

A black market vendor in Chinatown hides from the feds in his trailer. He lights a cigarette, accidentally drops it on a firework, and sets off his entire inventory.

You'd like to think someone as corrupt as Wang Chung would wind up paying for his sins, and in this case, that's exactly what happened. The black marketeer wound up... blackened.

#754: Hi-Jack Offed

A hijacker takes to hitchhiking to lure people to him. He tries to hold up two truck owners, when one of them socks him, causing him to fall ass-first on an air brake hose that inflates him with air and pops him like a gore-filled balloon.

Percy was a small-time crook who tried to steal a big rig. He never could get his life together and now, he's just... scattered!

#134: Ghost Busted

Two men sneak into an old, run-down brothel to have sex with the ghosts of prostitutes and are chased off by the building's annoyed owner who dresses in a costume to scare them off, a la every villain in every incarnation of Scooby-Doo. One guy tries to escape down a ladder and accidentally knocks a wrench off the roof and conks himself out. The other escapes in a car, running his friend over in the process.

Chester and Lester went looking for the ultimate ghostgasm, but then they got spooked. Now, Chester's less... one Lester.

Episode 70: A New App Called Death

#349: Electro-Cutie

An intern stripteases for her co-workers at a Christmas party at the office. She goes to make copies of her ass, but the glass on the copy machine breaks when she sits on it, electrocuting her.

Carol tried to use her assets to land a full-time job. But in the end, she was just another... smoking... hot... body.

#184: WW1 and Done

A German deserter robs bodies on the battlefield of valuables. While pushing aside a British soldier's body during one raid, he uncovers a jam tin grenade that blows his head off.

Reinhardt was a parasite who had no respect for the living... or the dead. But a corpse can still send a message. And the last one he scavenged had a good one. Go to Hell, Reinhardt.

#248: F.U.v'd

A sports doctor who enjoys steroids and harassing bicyclists rear-ends a truck, getting impaled by rebar through his head.

Dr. Siraki thought he owned the road. To him, a cyclist was a menace to his steroid-driving, pumped-up lifestyle. But in the end, he went from road rage... to road... kill.

#351: Pulled Pork

A jerkass farmer breaks into a neighbor's pigpen to masturbate his prize pig and sell its sperm on the black market. When the neighbor hears the pig's squealing and comes out to investigate, the farmer tries to run, but trips and knocks himself out, only to wake up while the pig is eating his guts.

Elmer was a sperm stealer who thought he'd fill his bank account with a prize pig's deposit. Instead, he became the main course in a true... pig out. That'll do pig, that'll do.

#336: The Day the Magic Died

Two druggies hold up a retired magician. They find a vial of what they believe is cocaine and do lines. The "cocaine" they snorted was actually slush powder, used in magic tricks to make water disappear. The powder expands in their windpipes and chokes them to death.

In the end, Sergio found his killer trick: he made two drug addicted crooks disappear.

#897: American Died'Ol

An obnoxious woman who gets sent to the back of a line for an American Idol-style singing contest starts belting out notes. A sudden wind storm blows her umbrella into the air, and when the gust subsides, it falls back down into her spine.

If you want to be a star, you need equal parts ambition and talent. In her quest for immortality, Chantal learned one final lesson: you also need to be... alive.

#250: Mastur-bitten

A scam artist posing as a health inspector masturbates into a motel's sheets, planting evidence to get a free room. Retribution comes to him in the form of a sting from the deadly Arizona bark scorpion.

Palmer was a disgusting pervert who squeezed himself... and then motel owners. After a tiring day of self-abuse, he had a nice sleep... and then a bite. Ta-ta, freak!

Episode 71: Death Certificates

#514: Heim-Licked

A jerkass fitness trainer who gets his jollies mocking fat women finds out one of his students has junk food in her bag and scarfs it in front of her. He starts choking but saves himself by doing a Heimlich maneuver on himself with a yoga ball. It does nothing to save him from bouncing off and falling on a sprinkler, impaling himself through the mouth and breaking his neck.

Chip got off on making fun of fat people. But then he went from joking, to choking... to croaking.

#265: This Bird Has Flu

A Peruvian poacher trying to smuggle exotic birds contracts bird flu.

Juan caught birds. Then, he caught bird flu. In the end, a life of crime caught up with Juan, and his life flew the coop.

#360: Keester Sunday

Two coke smugglers are taken into custody. In the police transport, one has the other pull a balloon filled with cocaine out of the other's ass. The balloon pops, and both coke fiends snort it up and die soon after of overdose-induced heart attacks.

Jake and Josh played hide and go seek with the killer bag of cocaine. But when it came time to ditch the goods, but the brothers turned to licking...and then stopped ticking.

• Shout-Out: Jake and Josh are possible plays on Drake & Josh, who coincidentally also had an episode where they had to do things handcuffed.

#249: Kill Bill & Billie

A man suspecting his wife of cheating hires a hitman to follow her and, if he finds her with a man, to kill them both. He later hires a prostitute, who turns out to be his wife. When the two get into an argument, the hitman finds the wife with a man and, following the husband's instructions to the letter, kills both the husband and wife.

Their relationship was built on a bedrock of deception and mistrust. Bill and Billie cheated, lied, and finally died, together.

#519: I Spy a Dead Guy

An industrial spy is found by a security guard and chased. The spy tries to dive through a hatch, which leads to a garbage incinerator. The incinerator's heat is so intense, he winds up getting Stripped to the Bone almost instantly.

Dugan chose to use the skills he learned as a spy for a life of crime. In the end, he came in from the cold... but couldn't take the heat.

#187: Eye So Horny

Two drunks pretend to bullfight, with one wearing a moose head. He charges the other, slips, and impales his eye on a deer head's antler.

What else is there to say in the face of such blatant stupidity? How about... you're dead! That's spelled D. E... D!

#411: North by Northwasted

A Prima Donna Director trying to recreate the airplane scene from North By Northwest with little people gets hit in the neck by the remote controlled airplane used in the scene, slicing his carotid with a wing.

Dolph thought he'd goose his career by remaking a Hollywood classic. But his cast came up a little short, and Dolph was left speechless.

Episode 72: Crying Over Spilled Blood

#425: Ten-Ass Anyone?

Two tennis fans, one of John McEnroe and the other of Bjorn Borg, hire a personal referee for one of their games. The McEnroe fan, having none of his skill but all of his rage, breaks his racket and tries to climb the ref's chair to strangle him, but falls off and gets the broken handle of his racket up his ass.

Matt was no McEnroe. In the end, he died... never to be Bjorn again.

#596: Sky Scraped

A cruel loan officer enjoys the view from her office high on a skyscraper until a freak gust of wind shatters the window and slices her body to shreds.

Alexis enjoyed taking people's homes away. She was heartless, but then a freak wind storm blew her away, and she wound up... lifeless.

#153: Rife-Ill

A hitman botches an assassination on a terrorist leader and is on the run from a Taliban assassin. The terrorist tries to shoot the hitman, but misses and gets hit by his own ricocheting bullet.

The war on terror is fought one battle at a time. In this case, the good guys were the target. But in the end, the sniper was the one who got sniped.

#233: Chili Today...Dead Tomorrow

A nimrod tourist buys hot peppers from a Native American gift shop, not knowing that they're the infamous ghost chili peppers, which rank hotter than Tabasco sauce on the Scoville scale. He goes to wash the spice away, but accidentally drinks snake venom that the owner was going to donate to a university. The venom enters mouth sores caused by the peppers and fatally poisons him.

Larry was a dummy who bit off more than he could chew. He washed it down with some fatal snake venom, and gave up the ghost... pepper.

#185: Info-Pain-Ment

A fitness trainer hawks a new bamboo-built home gym on TV. When he breaks a barbell and storms off in frustration, the cameraman plays with the equipment and mocks the trainer. When the trainer catches his cameraman mocking him, a piece breaks off and impales the trainer through the ear and brain.

Gunther knew bamboo does have the tensile strength of steel, but he didn't account for the all-conquering power of stupidity. Bam-boom, you're dead.

#477: Mexi-Can't

A man tries to bust his friend out of prison (who was put there for hitting on the mayor's teenage daughter) by hooking a steel cable to his car and the window bars to pull them out. The cable snaps as he tries to drive and slices off his head.

Dan tried to spring his friend from jail, but it didn't work out. Jared stayed put, and Dan went head over... wheels.

#80: Caved In

A caveman denied sex by his mate throws some rocks on the ground and accidentally discovers fire. He tries to cook meat on it, but the small cave fills up with smoke and suffocates him.

And so my friends, this is the true story of how fire was invented. It was man's horniness for women that drove him. You see, not much has changed after all.

Episode 73: It's a Dead, Dead, Dead World

#522: Signed Out

A man facing divorce injures himself bad enough to make it look like his wife abused him. While the wife tries to explain to cops that her husband pulled a Wounded Gazelle Gambit, paramedics come to take the husband to the hospital, but the gurney he's on rolls down a hill, hitting a rock, launching him through the air and onto a road sign.

Joe never saw it coming. He was blindsided by his wife, beat up by himself, and then... he signed off.

#267: Hummus Among Us

In Libya, a black arms dealer firing a rifle to demonstrate it to potential buyers hits a barrel labeled "hummus" (a spicy Middle Eastern condiment made of garbanzo beans) that actually contained a lethal mix of sarin and mustard gas, burning everyone's lungs and nervous systems.

Habib and Hadal were a couple of gun runners who thought they'd make a killing. Instead, they shot up a hummus barrel, and got some bad gas.

#160: Tread Marked

A Drunk Driver gets pulled over by a cop, then swipes the cop's gun. Just as he's about to fire, though, the cop gets unexpected help from a junker who accidentally drops a tire, which rolls down the hill, hits the drunk, and kills him.

Jed was a bad guy about to kill a good guy. But then in rolled fate, and he became dead tired.

#90: Piss Offed

A ski instructor with urolagnia (sexual fetish for urine and being peed on) seduces a student in a cabin and convinces her to give him a golden shower after sex. They both die of electrocution when her whiz hits the cord of a worn-out electric blanket.

Tommy was a sleazebag ski instructor who preyed on his students. He bedded down a hot one. She went number one. And then... they were done.

#135: Waste Dead

A little person who enjoys taking pictures of himself "planking" (laying flat on things in public places) planks on a teeter-totter. Blue ice from a passing plane, formed by liquid sewage leaking from a plane and freezing at high altitudes, falls on the other end of the teeter-totter, launching the little person onto the top bar of a swing set where he lands with enough force to cause fatal internal bleeding.

Chris was a little guy who thought big. He wanted his planking photos to make him famous. His career did get launched... but it was the re-entry that killed him.

#431: Rubbed Out

After getting sneezed on by a homeless man who's been picking through his trash, an uptight germophobe bathes in isopropyl alcohol. The alcohol gets absorbed through his skin, into his bloodstream, and kills him from fatal alcohol poisoning.

For Jeremy, it was a big ol' dirty world. In his attempt to wash the germs away, he made himself one big, killer drink.

#263: Killer Tan

Two obnoxious Jersey Shore wannabes spray themselves with DHA before going to a tanning salon. They light some smokes, which sets off the DHA fumes in their booths and blows them to oblivion.

If ignorance is bliss, Fredo and Ali B were the happiest people on the planet. We could say more about their unfortunate demise, but on second thought... fuhgeddaboudit.

Episode 74: Death, the Final Frontier

#509: Pebble Bitched

Two redneck brothers going after the same girl decide to settle matters with a game of tug-o-war with their trucks. During the game, the tires kick up a torrent of pebbles, hitting the girl. One large rock gets kicked up and brains her.

Lula Mae tried to play a brother against brother. But in the end, the boys got their rocks on. And Lula Mae got rocked... out.

#661: No Fun-Gus

A recovering alcoholic brings his wife (who doesn't give a crap about her husband trying to get clean and sober) to a sobriety party, where the wife gets drunk, stuffs herself with homemade mushroom pizza, and spikes the punch, despite everyone trying to stop her. After downing the entire spiked punch, the alcoholic wife drops dead. Was it from alcohol poisoning? Yes and no. She did get poisoned, but it was from the pizzas she ate. They had ink cap mushrooms on them, which are safe to eat... unless mixed with alcohol.

Sandy spoiled the sobriety party with her stupid, drunken antics. She got so wasted, she didn't just pass out, she passed... on.

#161: Pain Saw

A lazy husband tries to impress a sexy neighbor by swinging a handheld chainsaw on a rope. The rope wraps around his neck and the chainsaw's blade slices through it, almost beheading him.

Hank was hot for the next-door neigbor. But then his chainsaw cut in... on his fun.

#408: Ring-a-Ding Dead

A hipster who steals from yard sales comes across a fancy ring. The ring's owner, who got it from his grandfather, tries to take it back. In the struggle, the hipster realizes all too late that it's actually a ring-shaped gun when it fires a small-caliber round into his eye.

Dwight liked to shop, he just didn't like to pay. When he found an antique that packed a deadly punch, he tried to steal it. But in the end... he bought it.

#830: Ass-Plosion

A cheating bodybuilding Scotsman tries to lift a giant rock, but the strain from lifting it causes him to expel his GI tract through his anus. The shock of seeing this causes a heart attack.

There's an expression in sports: "no guts, no glory". Angus dropped his guts, missed out on the glory, and finished the competition... in dead last.

#399: Lac-Toasted

A flasher harasses some mothers and swipes, then drinks, their babies' milk bottles. The mothers, members of a fight club, beat the snot out of him. He survives the beating, but not the allergic reaction to peanuts: turns out he drank breast milk that was laced with the proteins from the peanuts the mothers ate.

Gordon flashed the wrong mommies, and wound up... lac-toasted.

#656: Phlegm Phatale

An Internet couple agree to meet in the real world. The man, a germophobe, uses a neti pot to cleanse his sinuses beforehand. Unfortunately, the man used tap water (instead of distilled water) for his neti pot and the contaminated water contained a parasite that destroys his brain.

Ira knew no bounds in the pursuit of cleanliness; spraying, scrubbing and rubbing everything in sight. But in the end, it wasn't germs; it was Ira who got rubbed out.