
"Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car?"
Max: I'll tell you who was living in a fantasy world: the people who thought they were making a watchable movie! (laughs with Kinga)
Kinga: Enter the nightmare-fueled world of: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom!
Film Featured: Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.
Wizards of the Lost Kingdom is a very low-budget attempt at the sword-and-sorcery genre produced by MST3K's old friend Roger Corman, so you know it's going to be a rough one. The good and noble King Tylor is murdered by Shurka, an evil sorcerer with a penchant for apparently-living crustacean-themed headgear, and his treacherous second wife Udea. Tylor's court wizard, Wulfrick, sends his inexperienced son Simon and his companion Gulfax (an unintelligible, lawyer-friendly Wookie knock-off that doesn't really do anything) to venture across the land, as it has been written that only he can wield an all-powerful magic ring that can defeat Shurka. When Simon loses the ring, he and Gulfax team up with Kor the Conqueror, a drunken warrior of questionable reputation, to find it before Shurka can destroy it and render himself totally invincible.
The Segments:
Prologue- Max writes about his unrequited love for Kinga in his TV's Diary, wondering how to make her reciprocate that love. He also found a giant key and a strange slot in Moon 13's wall to insert it into, hoping it unlocks the laundry room. This action reveals Reptilicus Metallicus, a giant robotic snake in the ceiling that now considers Max its master. When Jonah asks Max what's going on, Max re-locks the snake's chamber and sends the Tube to keep Jonah from learning anything.
Segment 1
- For the Invention Exchange, Jonah invents Verbal Smoke Bombs, pre-prepared excuses and non-sequiturs that come in card and app form, guaranteed to end any awkward conversation. Kinga invents the Sponsor Clock, which has sold the naming rights to every hour of the day to major brands, resulting in corporate endorsements every hour. After getting sidetracked with Max's new "necklace", Kinga has Ardy send up Wizards of the Lost Kingdom.
Segment 2
- Working on his spacesuit once again, Jonah and the 'Bots are wondering how exactly Kor, the movie's drunken and sarcastic swordfighter, earned his title of "The Conqueror." They come up with the idea that all of Kor's victories were either achieved by default, or were purely decorative titles that have no actual bearing on his personal status.
Segment 3
- Tom pretends to be Simon and tries his hand at necromancy to summon an army of zombies (played by duplicates of Crow), as in the movie. When he loses faith in himself after failing to raise the dead, Jonah, playing Kor, sings the doo-wop tune "The Magic in You" to remind his student to be a little more patient and encourage him to keep trying. Puberty metaphors abound.
Segment 4
- Jonah and the 'Bots reply to some more fan mail, including a drawing from Xander depicting Tom with a massive head and wondering where everyone else is, and another drawing from Parker depicting the whole SOL crew trapped in what look to be mind prisons. Disgusted that her captives have fans, Kinga takes the opportunity to activate Movie Sign.
Segment 5
- Jonah and the 'Bots have created the Wizards of the Lost Kingdom Suicide Cavern: A Place That Feeds on Fear playset, advertising its numerous features with Tom, dressed as Simon again, unemotionally reacting to the vague terrors within. Kinga and Max ominously foreshadow that Jonah's wizard-induced misery hasn't ceased, since this film has a sequel.
Tropes featured in the MST3K presentation of Wizards of the Lost Kingdom include:
- Accidental Hero: Jonah and the bots suggest that this is how Kor became known as "the Conqueror" despite being a doughy drunk.Jonah: Maybe he's been the beneficiary of a lot of bizarre coincidences, like, you know, he was fighting a dragon and then the dragon had an aneurysm.Crow: Or he was attacked by a forest troll who then fell into a stream and drowned.
- The Alcoholic: Hardly a stretch, since wine appears to be Kor's only motivation. Jonah and the bots crack a few jokes about calling Kor's Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor.
- And I Must Scream: The princess hypocritically gets annoyed with the statue that Simon brings to life to impress her:Crow (imitating the statue): Kill me! Kill me!!
Aura: Oh, shut up!
Tom Servo (as statue): Oh, I'm sorry, were my cries of pain too loud for you? - Angst? What Angst?: The gang notes how creepy it is for Kor to be mugging and cracking jokes after murdering several people.
- Anti-Climax: The movie is absolutely full of them, and the guys are aware of every one. Right as Kor is about to face off against three armed lizard-men, Jonah gets excited, claiming the movie might finally get a decent action sequence—and they all scatter. When they return with a gigantic warrior, he just knocks Kor down and gets immediately blown up by Simon's magic. Even the final battle against Shurka is a huge letdown.Servo: You know, that was magically anticlimactic.
- Badass Bystander: When Shurka's soldiers attack a random farm, a George Harrison-looking farmer puts up a surprisingly good fight against them — prompting Crow to wish that guy could have been the movie's hero. "Oh, this guy's a badass! Can we trade Kor for him?" Of course he then promptly gets filled full of arrows. "Ohh. Maybe not..."
- The Beard:Shurka: I intend to rule Axholme. I will need a queen at my side.
Crow: (as Shurka) You know, to stop the rumors and all. - Bridezilla: Because Princess Aura seems to spend all of her screen time judging Simon.Princess Aura: You do want to marry me, don't you?!
Jonah: Child bridezilla! - Call-Back: "What would Dick Van Patten do?"
- Catchphrase:Kor: Hold it.
Servo: (as Kor) That's my catch phrase. Copyright, trademark me. - Celebrity Resemblance: Within minutes of meeting Kor, Jonah and the bots call him "twitchy Gordon Ramsay" and "fat Sting", and a later close-up on his eyes prompts "Kenneth Brannagh?"
- Comically Small Bribe: According to Tom Servo, Shurka got the loyalty of the soldiers by giving them Vikings tickets.
- Companion Cube:
- The villain's crab-shaped hat is turned into its own separate character named Crabby.
- "You know, they auditioned dozens of waterfalls for this role, but when this waterfall was in the room with Simon, the chemistry was just electric."
- Department of Redundancy Department: Discussed. When the narration talks about magic and sorcery, Jonah asks what the difference is. Servo responds that Sorcery is an inborn talent, whereas Magic is a skill based on book learning.
- Disqualification-Induced Victory: One theory for why Kor is "The Conqueror": the actual Conqueror had his title stripped for using steroids, so Kor became the Conqueror by default.
- Dissimile: "It's like The Lord of the Rings without all the fancy, good stuff."
- Enforced Method Acting: Jonah: Whoa, a real, on-camera explosion, no digital effects. See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake.
- Ensemble Dark Horse (in universe): Crabby! The hat that Kinga mentions in her intro is in the movie merely part of Shurka's outfit, but Jonah and the bots make it out to be so much more.
- Even Evil Has Standards: When Shurka angrily chokes Queen Udea, Jonah has Crabby gives him a "Whoa, boss! Not cool!"
- Face–Heel Turn: The score takes a slightly dark turn as Simon and Gulfax intimidate/bully Shurka's dwarf minion into giving them the Ring of Power:Jonah: This music means they're the bad guys now.
- Finger Poke of Doom: The gang notes how the inept fight choreography often has Kor killing mooks simply by shoving them.
- Framed for Heroism: Another theory for how Kor became "The Conqueror": his "victories" were all a bunch of bizarre coincidences. He fought a dragon that suddenly died from an unrelated heart condition; he fought an evil witch who spontaneously combusted; that sort of thing.
- Full-Circle Revolution: Tom Servo and Crow are convinced that Simon, once he gets the throne, will become just as evil as Shurka, and have to be overthrown himself:Crow: And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle may begin anew.
Servo: A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. - Funny Background Event: During the final Moon 13 segment, Synthia forms a bird-shape with her hands and flaps the wings over and over — like a less-coordinated version of Napoleon Dynamite's sign language song.
- Fusion Fic: According to Jonah, one scene of the film is "a Gladiator / Little House on the Prairie mash-up."
- He Also Did: Upon noticing that James Horner scored this film:*Crow: Ah, yes. BraveHeart, Aliens, Avatar, and this movie.
Servo: Yeah, when Cameron was scoring Titanic, he said, "I want that Wizards of Lost Kingdom sound." - Hypocritical Humor:Kor: Soldiers, be they dead or alive, [...] deserve some respect.
Crow: So let's go kill us some soldiers, huh? I'm buying. - Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy:Tom: So how come wizards have such terrible aim?
Jonah: Must be all the extra fabric in their sleeves; throws off their movements. - Incredibly Lame Fun: "I hope your wildest dreams include rose petals, because that's kind of all we've got right now."
- I Need to Go Iron My Dog: Jonah's "Verbal Smoke Bombs" include such bizarre conversation-enders as "Gotta go, I can't feel my arms!" and "Whoops, the unborn twin I absorbed in the womb is trying to fight its way out of me!"
- Inferred Holocaust: The movie ends with Simon as the heir apparent. Tom Servo and Crow describe how, obviously, Simon's going to enact a bloody purge of Shurka loyalists, go mad from paranoia, and become a theocratic tyrant.note
- The Load: They point out how Gulfax, for all his attention-getting appearance, never does a damn thing throughout the whole movie.
- Licking the Blade: When Simon fights off a phantom, Crow encourages him afterwards: "Come on. Lick it. First kill. Come on, lick the sword. Lick it."
- Metaphorically True: Jonah and the bots' last theory for Kor's title, "the Conqueror": that he earned it by doing something much more mundane. Say, by "conquering" a 72-ounce steak dinner at a greasy spoon diner, or by "conquering" the high score on Frogger at the local pizza parlor.
- Micro Monarchy: "Legendary magical kingdom, population: twenty-two."Jonah: Help me reign over my lobby-palace and 800 square feet of a kingdom.
- Mook Chivalry: The phantom warrior allows Simon a ridiculously long time to flourish his new magic sword, as Tom points out.Say what you will about that phantom, he's really giving Simon time to get his bearings. I appreciate that in a phantom.
- My Friends... and Zoidberg:Kor: Soldiers, be they dead or alive...
Servo: Or middle-aged. - Non-Uniform Uniform: During the battle as Shurka attacks Axhome: "I've never seen uniforms that are so un-uniform."
- Obsessively Organized: Jonah jokes that Simon must have O.C.D., since his clothes are spotless even after all his adventures.
- Ow, My Body Part!: "My lower G.I.!"
- Put Their Heads Together: Jonah tells Tom Servo and Crow to knock off their Crypt Keeper impressions. When they persist, he knocks their skulls together to shut them up.
- Questionable Casting: Jonah and the bots specifically call out the scrawny actor who plays the phantom warrior as being wholly unsuited to the role.
- Rooting for the Empire: When Acrasia (the insect woman) attacks Simon, the bots are evenly split between rooting for Simon and rooting for Acrasia.
- Running Gag:
- Many, many jokes featuring "Crabby", the villain's supposedly sentient, wisecracking, crab-shaped hat.
- Every time Kor draws or sheaths his sword, he cuts himself.
- Shout-Out:
- Chanting the Trashmen's Surf Rock Ear Worm "Surfin' Bird (Bird Is the Word)" to the tune of the Winkies' "Oh-ee-oh" marching song from The Wizard of Oz during the march of the bird-helmet soldiers at the beginning.Jonah and 'Bots: BUH-UUURR-UURD, BIRD IS THE WORD, BUH-UUUUUR-URRD...
- The riff about the Suicide Cavern is done in the style of Statler and Waldorf. Doh-ho-ho-hoh!
- The bots make a Hurricane of Puns a la the Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt.
- The phantom warrior who attacks Simon is a scrawny, unintimidating dork, so the guys opt to give him lines from Napoleon Dynamite.
- As a soldier runs away while the film is sped up, "The Wizard of Speed and Time of the Lost Kingdom."
- Chanting the Trashmen's Surf Rock Ear Worm "Surfin' Bird (Bird Is the Word)" to the tune of the Winkies' "Oh-ee-oh" marching song from The Wizard of Oz during the march of the bird-helmet soldiers at the beginning.
- Soundtrack Dissonance:
- "Something's happening! I can tell by the music! Oh, maybe not."
- "Surprisingly upbeat music for a scene featuring a woman being shot in the back with an arrow."
- Special Effect Failure: "It's less Medieval Times and more Medieval Tim's."Crow: He's caught between a rock and a fake place.
- Sticks to the Back: Kor has his sheath slung across his back, so every time he draws or sheaths his weapon: "Oh, that really cut my back, actually. Oh."
- Stock Footage: Because the prologue was cobbled together from footage of other Roger Corman-produced sword & sorcery films, the result is a rapid succession of people who look like they should be major characters—but aren't.Crow: Jonah, I'm having a hard time keeping track of the characters in this movie. We're two minutes in, and I've seen like 90 people.
Servo: Maybe this is the menu, and we have to click on one of these to choose the story we want. - The Stoner: In the opening minutes, the crew turns some kind of wizard duel into a stoner's get-together.Jonah: Uh, Kev, you're green dude. This is some dank weed. [laughs]
Servo: Can you even hear me when you're green, man? Oh, no, he's gone! That's harsh! [normal voice] And I'm all out of stoner jargon. - Surveillance as the Plot Demands: "Does everyone in this kingdom have the power to spy on each other?" They also naturally point out how Shurka is spying on Simon immediately after a scene where Simon casts a spell to stop him doing that.
- Take Our Word for It: "Wow. Kor's a good swordsman when it's too dark to actually see what he's doing."
- Tempting Fate: Every time Jonah and the bots get excited about an upcoming action scene, it just winds up being another Anti-Climax.Jonah: Okay. You know, movie, I doubted you before, but Kor the Conqueror versus three wicked-ass demon men? This is gonna be great. Ha ha ha!
[The demon-men run away instead of fighting.]
Jonah: And I'm disappointed again. - Totally Radical: "This is so lame. I'm gonna go to my room and text emojis or whatever teens do."
- Visual Gag:
- When a vine-covered pillar appears in the foreground, Crow climbs up it to see if there are any treasure chests at the top, then calls out from the top right corner of the screen that there's no treasure before climbing back down.
- The crew ducks to avoid a couple of stone pillars that pass the camera.
- Jonah smacks Servo and Crow's heads together when they annoy him with excessive Crypt Keeper impressions.
- What Measure Is a Mook?: The only sign that Kor the "Conqueror" deserves his title is the fact he kills four men without blinking an eye.
