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Recap / Glee S 5 E 8 Previously Unaired Christmas

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The story of the blessed Virgin Mary as told by Ryan Murphy. God help us, everyone.
Welcome to Glee's final Christmas Episode... sorta. See, due to having the in-universe school year end before the actual season does, in Glee-time it's just after the Prom, so in-universe we're around May 2013, compared to December 2013 when this episode aired. Therefore, to fix this, we have to have some sort of work around, and thus we begin in a festive living room with an OOC Jane Lynch, putting coal in the stockings of Cloris Leachman, Meryl Streep, Melissa Mccarthy, and Edie Falco. She explains that Glee, Actually was in fact a replacement episode for one called "Rough Trade Santa", a episode that evidently had FOX executives in horror. However, due to "fans begging", the episode will air heavily edited.note 
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After that intro, we're back in December 2012... with plenty of Anachronism Stew .note  Will suggests a "green" theme for Christmas, tying into an apparent room decorating contest. Wait, at McKinley? No wonder this was "shelved". Tina and Trouty (this was set after he swallowed Brittany, therefore the nickname returns) are in charge, and the prize is a glass angel. Well at least it's not yet another trip to Breadstix. After Tina flexes ego as it pertains to using the glass angel for luck in finding a prom date ("next" episode was Sadie Hawkins so she's not far off), Blaine tries to flex vocals, but EVERYONE SHUTS HIM UP. Praise and hit the standard Title Card.

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Cut to a club created just for this episode: Christmas Club, led by Beiste. VP Artie says the manger set up outside has been defaced because McKinley, but Figgins wants ND to be a "living manger scene." Tina reacts to all of this in a way that makes us glad the end of Jenna's tenure is drawing near. Jake is Joseph, while Unique wants the Virgin Mary. This of course cues Kitty, not yet having become human, to snark, followed by Marley verbalizing the Foregone Conclusion that she's untouched. Kitty tries to snark at that ("That's a shocker. To think nobody's tickled inside your musty, mildewed granny panties except for the family of crickets that nest in there".), but Marley checkmates ("Yeah well, you wear a smaller bra than me".). Game, set, Rose. Cut to Bushwick, where we find Kurt taking a creepy styling head out of a box and sharing egg nog with Santana, who also gives him a trip to Dildo Island.note  Santana is supposed to be in Kentucky, though it's presumed that she was visiting on what is assumed to be a holiday break. Rachel returnsnote , obviously surprised to see her, then announces they have a job as mall elves. Oh boy. Well, they don't have the diner yet, so this'll do. Though Kurt still has his Vogue.com job, so hmm. Anyway, the idea is a lot of Broadway hotshots bring their kids to this mall, so this is a chance to mingle. Cut to Trouty babbling about "carbon footprints" to Tina, wanting to use real trees and pinecones for the manger scene. No Trouty, stop. Fortunately, Becky spares us the trouble, though she does have what appears to be mistletoe on her head... yep, this is a Becky at her most aroused... and loose. I need a drink. Trouty says his lips are for consent only, but at this point Becky is clearly channeling her alternate universe self from the "aired" Christmas episode. Thankfully, Sue arrives to point out that as we'd surmised, the "mistletoe" is poison sumac. Which apparently makes people horny. Nonetheless, she tells her to get lost and announces she's judging the Christmas tree decorating contest, another McKinley tradition we haven't seen. This leads to a standard Sue rant, comparing a supposed ND tree to those who reside in NY. Because Sue. After her jazz hands, yes, we cut to a NY mall, which has no Santa, but instead three elves clearly regretting a lot of things in their lives. Santa arrives and as per Glee, he's had a few nips of the "special" egg nog. We can tell because he goes right for Kurt, telling him off in stereotypes. Drunken Creeper Santa then stumbles off leaving the elves to handle the kids. Rachel, knowing what to do, send Kurt to a tiny and conveniently placed piano for some "Here Comes Santa Claus". And little people. It's weird. For Glee, it's Thursday. Afterwards, the kids, not wanting to deal with minions, attack as we go to break.

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We return to Kitty's locker, where Marley arrives and suggests all the ND ladies audition for Mary. Bitch-Kitty Kitty-bitches; though as you'd come to expect, the snark is a defense mechanism, and we'll get details later. Cut to Santana in a hot tub, having decided Screw This, I'm Outta Here!, she's returned to Bushwick. She of course left Hummelberry in a lurch, and they call to complain, telling her she has to come back and be Mrs. Claus because Drunk Santa's nowhere to be found. What we find is ourselves back in the choir room for "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree"; after that detour, it's back to the mall where the natives are getting restless and Hummelberry are in no way calming them down. However, the cavalry arrives and what follows is a montage of Santana ruining childhood. That and her saying Brittany dumped her...

Excuse us.

(cue 24-hour tantrum).

...better.

Cut to Sue arriving to judge the ND tree, ND humming their best "O Tannenbaum". Sue questions an ornament, and Trouty replies with what for him is an anachronism, a well-thought out explanation ending with a vole. Because cute and Glee. Sue begrudgingly gives them credit, saying she thought Becky didn't get the message of "green". We then see that she did, literally: a tree full of green things, some moldy because yes. Sue says she'll reveal a winner in due course as we go to break.

We return to the auditorium, where Artie/Beiste/Will handle Virgin Mary auditions. First and only is the ND women minus Kitty doing "Mary's Boy Child / O My Lord", which suddenly turns into Fanservice as Tina and Marley rip off their shaules to reveal eyes full of legs. Yes. Afterwards, Kitty walks out due to reasons which again we'll get to later. Cut back to the mall, where Hummelpezberry are fearful for their safety at the hands of angry children, when what to thy wondering eyes should appear but a slab of Christmas beefcake, timing so dear. He offers to bail the three out, Kurt stammering as his tights tighten. He offers dinner at their place, which puts up a red and green flag that things aren't as they seem. We'll get a visual of that as we cut to Sue announcing the winner of the tree decorating contest and you can here the disappointment in Sue's voice as ND gets the duke. This of course leads to a xylophone in Becky's warpath. Cut to Will and Beiste posting up the cast list for the living nativity, with Marley, natch, as Mary. Kitty says as much, then we get the truth: with someone like her, someone who enjoys control, especially over couplings due to trauma and repressions, Kitty reveals she wants to be Mary, but doesn't feel worthy, because she's "more like Mary Magdelene." Kitty, you really shouldn't worry, since Mary M was at least Jesus' financial supporter and possibly even his wife, way more important than Momma. Do your homework. Back to Bushwick, where Rachel is taking down the ornaments, apparently Kurt wants a tree-trimming party. Okay, let's just say that what's to come for the Bushwick 2+1 can be summed up by Kurt thinking with the wrong head. Therefore, we're gonna say "Kurt, you're an idiot" now, so we don't have to later. Anyway, "Hot Santa" arrives before the break. We return to see him get an eyeful of the hovel, really getting the details... he then reaches into his sack, ha ha, and pulls out a helium tank, because that's the kind of thing everyone brings to a party. Now, let's see. Christmas plus helium plus Glee. Yes folks, Hummelpezberry get their Bagdasarian on for a little "Christmas Don't Be Late". Afterwards, really in the spirit, Pezberry find Drunk Hummel and Hot Santa indisposed; they are disgusted and impressed. The three then indulge in some hot buttered rum "Hot Santa" prepared as we go to break.

And we return with a hoisted petard. See, as we were not so subtly implying, Hot Santa was looking for a good time. What he was also looking for was his own Christmas gift. Namely the contents of a certain apartment. Yes folks, "Hot Santa" is a "Bad Santa", having roofied Hummelpezberry and cleaned them out. Rachel and Santana awake to discover the apartment picked clean, and to add insult to injury, they also find Kurt trussed up like a Christmas turkey. This is clearly peace on earth. Cut to Blaine beside himself at Kitty calling herself not worthy. As ND make a plan to convince her otherwise, we see Sam with the glass angel ND won from the tree contest. Which looks suspiciously like plastic. Hmm. Anyway, we then cut to a dress-rehearsal where the ND girls portray the Blessed Virgin Mary as offensively as possible, to manipulate Kitty into performing the role "the right way." It of course works as we go to break.

We return for the home stretch, Trouty and Tina giving the angel to Becky by telling her there was a recount and she won. Cut to a still recovering Hummelpezberry, deflated over being robbed. And no, let's not get into how they supposedly get their stuff back in time for the next episode. Santana says she could never live at Bushwick, and of course give it three episodes from this slot for her to be proven wrong. Rachel says the "Bad Santa" cleared out the Santa area at the mall, and of course they're fired. However, she's undeterred, and has another job for them. Cut to the nativety scene, where we find Becky has gotten the part of the baby Jesus. Yes. Kitty arrives and we close with "Away in a Manger", cut between ND and Hummelpezberry in a store display as human mannequins. Glee bless us everyone.

Next Time: So. You have someone who's just gotten their dream job. And they need an understudy. So what happens when the woman who auditions happens to be the one woman who could match them vocally and ego wise? The answer is... not pretty.

Songs

  • "Here Comes Santa Claus" - Performed by Kurt, Santana, Rachel and some little people
  • "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" - Performed by Will and New Directions
  • "O Tannenbaum" - Performed by New Directions
  • "Mary's Boy Child / O My Lord" - Performed by New Directions.note 
  • "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" - Performed by Kurt, Santana, Rachel, and Hot Santa
  • "Love Child" - Performed by New Directions
  • "Away in a Manger" - Performed by New Directions, Rachel, Kurt, and Santana

Tropes

  • Anachronism Stew
  • Demoted to Extra: This was the final episode with the S4 Newbies having any relevance whatsoever. Beginning with the next episode, and continuing up to their departure in "New Directions", they were slowly phased out of the show; their character arcs had tied into Finn's, so with his death, they were made redundant; with the exception of a few token scenes, they would no longer serve any purpose to the story.
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