Show of hands. Who wants to hear Rachel her-middle-name-is-literally-Barbra Berry sing something from Funny Girl again?...
No? Then why'd you click on this page hmm?
Yes folks, welcome to Episode 4: There's No Hope, also known as Opening Night. Yes, the premiere of Funny Girl is upon us, but before we get to that, we must get through the pre-show jitters as we start with Rachel having the obligatory nightmare of her performing in front of a peanut gallery of cast members past and present; their heckling getting the better of her and her panicking. To provide proper atmosphere, we're in a very familiar and welcome territory, IE the McKinley stage complete with Stuttering Season 1 Tina, Santana in the Red and White, A WILD DREAM DAVE KAROFSKY APPEARING (in Bully Whips attire), Jacob Ben Israel (ARGH! Even in DREAMS he plagues us!), to link us to the present, Producer Sidney, TRACKSUIT GLORIOUS TRACKSUIT and her faithful Becky. We cue up some Cardigans and to drive the point home, Rachel is back in the reindeer sweater and kneesocks. Said point, in case it's not clear, and quite honestly, it should be very clear, is that at the end of the day, despite accomplishments, Rachel will still be the same ego-fueled diva she was in high school. Uh, yeah, she's actually worse now than she was back then, so this clear attempt at subtle sympathy won't work. Anyway, as Rachel sings, balloons fall, her voice speeds up and the song ends with her on her back, all and sundry standing over her (including Sam & Warbler!Blaine) booing until she wakes up and we hit the Artifact Title Card.
Kurt is pouring tea for Rachel who made the mistake of reading all the comments from one of her previews and now coupled with the dream the self-doubt is overwhelming. You know, if it's getting too much, you could beg Santana to take over. Would spare you a lot of grief. Anyway, Kurt confiscates Rachel's phone thus cutting her off from more possibly bad reviews. From there, it's OVER TO MCKINLEY OH DEAR GOD YES!!!!!! I actually miss Hairgel, go figure. Anyway, Will, who clearly still works for Sue for the time being and is visibly beaten down over it, has two tickets to New York, and since Emma's about to give birth (and they couldn't get Jayma Mays back), guess who's getting the extra ticket? Duh, though we get a Sue's Corner to say she hates NY; turns out that of course, the feedback changed her mind. That and she's never actually been to NY. Will says fine, but Sue has to come to Title Drop with him. She agrees, clearly with heckling on her mind, as we cue up some Annie for a Tracksuit/Hairgel duet that sees them on the McKinley stage at first, before singing all the way to NY. Back to Bushwick for a Cohen-Chang Cameo, as Tina arrives with a potted plant and a for once silent Rachel, resting the voice. Tina then promptly stirs the nerves by mentioning Rachel's past bout of tonsillitis. Oh Tina. After reminding us of some absent and ex-cast members (Artie's film about trashbags got into a film festival), we see that Brown's been treating her well, in spite of a language gap with the roommate and the fact that her hagdom is still prevalent. She then tries to tell Rachel about a story she found about her on a website, a positive one for once, but then makes the mistake of mentioning the negative reviews and nice job breaking it Tina. Rachel speaks, telling her friends and herself that their opinions are the only ones that matter and the Blatant Lies are obvious. Mercedes decides to route Tina to her place as we cut to Kurt asleep, waking up to find that Rachel found her social media and is wallowing in her misery as we go to break.
We return to see Kurt and the others try to build Rachel's confidence up, even offering a "letter" from Babs. Of course, it's a fake and Rachel sees right through it, the name "Barbara" being the tip off. Tina, you tried. It appears all for naught, and to rotate the blade ever so slightly, Sue arrives to spew her venom and triumph; claiming Will booked a double in order to seduce her. Right, having flashbacks to Season 1 are we? Don't worry, you're not the only one. However, possible backup(?) arrives in a returning Santana, fresh from having been forgiven for her trespasses by one Brittany Pierce. She arrives as Sue leaves for now, entering Rachel's room for a patented Lopez peptalk, reading both good and bad reviews of Babs' performance as a way to show Rachel that while she has her flaws (and one is ever prevalent), performing is not one of them. Of course this gives her a second wind as we cut to the theater, where Sue's trying to scalp her ticket. However, it seems that she's not the only one, as she notices a fellow scalper (Chris Parnell is that you?). And in a plot twist, it's appears she's smitten. So, in order, Rod Remington, Superintendent Harris, ticket scalper. No one said affection couldn't be eclectic. Cut to backstage where we see Rachel in her wig getting ready when Will arrives with flowers and melancholy, because as she promised him in his final episode, Rachel bought a seat for her beloved Finn. We certainly won't begrudge her that. Anyway, Will gets a call from Emma, who's in labor meaning he'll actually have to miss the performance. Aww. And from there, the long walk, the last few moments before the curtain. This is her moment, her time. The curtain raises as we go to break.
We return with a number as you'd expect, as we briefly cut to Sue complaining to a Times columnist as you'd also expect. Afterwards, we see Sue ready to bail, as the aforementioned ticket scalper, and as it turns out, restaurateur, appears. Flirting ensues, which from Sue is admittedly endearing. Cut to backstage where Kurtcedes gush over Rachel, dismiss Sue leaving as nothing, then producer Sidney arrives to praise as well. She's had a good first act, but she needs to bring it home in the second. Of course, pressure must be put on to motivate, so Sidney says the NYT columnist must give this a good review, or goodnight everybody. Rachel has a small meltdown as we go to break.
We return to Sue and the restaurateur, Mario, at one of his eateries. More flirting ensues, Mario saying the play would've been better if she was on stage; this of course leading to the only Michele/Lynch duet, an Imagine Spot for Sue mixed in with a clip of the dearly departed for Rachel. Hell, we're shedding a few tears as well.
After the break, we're backstage with champagne and flowers from those ex-pats not seen. Sidney enters with more praise and says not to worry about any reviews, for now is the time to celebrate. And celebrate they do, as we cut to one of NY's more... unique clubs. As in dancers in naught but their bowties and mesh tops. Turns out, they've been following Funny Girl and are excited to see Fanny herself. As such, we cue up the NONONO for partying and gyrations; afterwards, we see the group return to Bushwick... where we find that Sue broke in and took Mario on Rachel's bed. Huh. Sue's actually capable of copulations. I am shocked, while the gang is appalled, however Rachel, having poured everything into her performance, and after her night of triumph reviews be damned, will hear none of Sue's venom. Deploying her own ego and triumph, she lays down a "The Reason You Suck" Speech, which sends Sue packing back to Lima. As the group applauds and Mario awkwardly exits, we go to break.
We start the home stretch with the gang at a newsstand with a hot off the presses NYT and of course the review is good because in spite of everything, this is still all about Rachel. As the gang bask in the glow of praise, Will calls to tell them it's a boy. Daniel Finn Schuester. Okay, we're shedding tears, not gonna lie. Cut to Sue and Mario ending their courtship, which we will admit was rather cute we must say. We end with Sue's Corner, where she admits NY's not as bad as she thought.
Now, as we've documented, Rachel Berry has hit her peak with opening night. However, this is the calm before the storm; see, a successful opening means Rachel's ego has hit its peak, and thus there is but one way to go after this. She is about to be humbled like she's never been in her entire life, and that humbling starts...
Next Time: What happens when a girl is doing her dream job, achieving everything she's ever wanted, but suddenly bails for a supposedly bigger opportunity? The answer is GOOD GOD WHY IS THIS STILL GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!
Songs
- "Lovefool" by The Cardigans, performed by Rachel, Santana and Tina, with Blaine, Kurt, Sam, Sue, Becky, Karofsky and Jacob Ben Israel.
- "NYC" from Annie, performed by Sue and Will
- "I'm The Greatest Star" from Funny Girl, performed by do we really have to say who?
- "Who Are You Now" from Funny Girl, performed by you know who and Sue
- "Pumpin Blood" by NONONO, performed by Rachel and Mercedes
Tropes:
- Commuting on a Bus: Despite still being officially part of the cast, Matthew Morrison and Jane Lynch's appearances here are treated as cameos from departed cast members.
- The Cameo:
- Jenna Ushkowitz as Tina Cohen-Chang.
- Max Adler as Rachel's dream of Dave Karofsky.
- Josh Sussman as Rachel's dream of Jacob Ben Israel.
- Homage: The "Pumpin Blood" sequence to Lauren Bacall's Applause.
- Shout-Out: A very subtle one. Mercedes cries so hard that she has to wipe her nose on Sam's sleeve. Sam notes that his jacket is suede, a Shout-Out to Lenny Bruce's "You Can't Get Snot Out Of A Suede Jacket" routine.
- The Bus Came Back: Santana returns for her last three episodes.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Rachel, fed up with Sue's antics, delivers one. Even Santana applauds.
