It's the last Valentine's Day Episode. It's also Wemma's wedding day, therefore Valentine's Day + Wedding Day = "asking for a disaster". Now, as the story is told around couples' interwoven individual stories, as we've done before, we will split the narrative in order of plot importance.
Finn & Rachel: Main focus. Duh. Though as we are all too aware, harsher hindsight makes their entire subplot one big Tear Jerker.
We start the episode with them at the Lima Bean, Finn rattled over his putting lips on where they don't belong. He asks Rachel (minus Brody because there's no point in having him in this plotline) if he should tell and she says not to, correctly saying Brody moving in set him off. After he tries and fails to deny that, Rachel then tells him that if he still wants to be an actor (remember that plotline?), that his role is to be the supportive best man. Finnegan stews as we hit the Title Card. Later, Finn's on stage trying to find a song for reasons mentioned below. Rachel offers it as a duet instead, and immediately Finn lights up, more obvious than ever that both he and Rachel would much rather spend the day in each others arms, but circumstances dictate otherwise. Later still, at the reception, Sue produces the discarded bouquet, throwing it at the masses and we need not guess who caught it. Cut to Rachel exiting the ladies room, only for Finn to catch her. Now will come the scene most tragic in hindsight. He removes a flower from the bouquet, pulling petals off with the "loves me/loves me not" routine. Rachel, knowing what his play is, tries to give him the idea that they're just friends, but he's very persistent our little Finnegan, as we elaborate:
You can clearly see in Rachel's eyes that she does know that. Unfortunately, as we've established, the idea was for them to reunite in the Grand Finale. Sadly... Anyway, they take the stage, Sue even getting a dance, and the whole thing really got Rachel thinking about maybe hooking up with the oaf because it's a rule that at this wedding everyone has to get it on. She then skips out on him in the middle of the night to return to her manwhore I mean Disposable Love Interest. More tears flow when you realize that was the final time the two were in the same room together, as well as the final time they sang together. There is one more Finchel scene, but that's yet to come... In the meantime, Rachel returns to New York (with the bouquet she caught) to see Brody having spent the entire weekend decorating as a Valentine's surprise for her, and she lies about sleeping with Finn. Brody lies about his bedroom activities, too, for reasons we'll find out later on. In the final shots we see Rachel shooting out of bed and worriedly checking her calendar... and taking a pregnancy test in the bathroom. Oh no. Oh no no no no no.
Will & Emma: It's their wedding. Duh.
Their plot line begins with Emma still freaking out over the planning. Not helping is the presence of the man who took liberties with her, as we see Finnegan arrive ostensibly to apologize, though of course all he does is increase her panic, especially over where to sit everyone because the "glee kids have dated so incestuously" she doesn't know who will tolerate sitting with who. Finn is in fact not there to apologize because Fuck You Murphy, but to tell her he's worried about not being able to keep his mouth shut. Of course, this is a woman who's OCD causes her to try and control the uncontrollable, so she reiterates what Rachel told him and that's to clam up. Then, speak of the groom and he will appear, as Will returns from his hiatus and takes Finn to the choir room, asking him to sing instead of a best man speech. Finn, seemingly in a perpetual state of rattled, agrees. Will then calls upon ND to sing as well because of course. Later, as Emma tries to calm down, things go from bad to worse as we see the one person who would cause the most chaos in this environment. Yes folks, the Adidas Archangel arrives to stir the pot, in a a replica of Emma's dress no less. The gleeks immediately figure out the game and sure enough, Sue gets her revenge for Finnegan taking over ND by working her dark magic. Her mere presence, plus Emma still clearly being rattled by Finnegan kissing her is enough to for this to go the only way it could: Emma cues up the relevant Company, Jayma demonstrates considerably Motor Mouth skills... and pulls a runner. We end their plot with Will shattered, but then prompted by Finn to stop moping. He continues moping, looking over pictures of Emma.
Santana and DEAR LUCILLE: While we of course wish Santana was Rachel, this actually gets some development and screen time, seriously. We're not making this up.
Arriving at the church, Emma seems to have recognized that putting the Alpha Bitches together was a good idea because they were only ever frenemies to start with and can't have gotten any worse without still being able to stand the other. Sitting down and sharing accessories with each other, the woman sat by Quinn is given a third of the shot in order to side-eye them like she knows what's up. This woman is the representative of the audience. Also, this pairing actually pleased nearly everyone (especially Quinntana shippers), because it easily slots into most fanon for other OTPs. This is not a No Yay situation here, unlike that other relationship Santana's future wife's in...note
As Brittany waves at Santana while trying next to wipe the slobber off from Trouty Mouth, a lecherous old coot, an obvious visual designed to drive the point home, winks at Lucille's cleavage and our resident closet case and secret Berry lover tells her lesbian pseudo-best friend that she hates all men ("except maybe Al Roker"). This piques Santana's interest, the Fabray eyebrow apparently available via lipgloss. During the reception, the pair are initially dancing with Mike before he leaves them alone together. Santana seeks out Quinn and takes her by the hand before heading to the bar to get cocktails. They both use fake IDs, Quinn's being "barely legal" and Santana making a comment about her professor. Santana's "may be related to Penélope Cruz" alter-ego is Rosario, to whom Quinn addresses a comment that she's really attractive, before stroking Santana's arm and smiling. Santana confusedly, happily, contemplates the fact that Lucy Q's lezzing it up with her and so probably plans to get her into bed. Everyone viewing is thinking this at about the same time, tuning back in to see Santana thank her. Then Quinn says that they're flawless. During the rest of the plots, the couple can be seen in the background touching each other in lieu of actual dancing.
Before the bouquet is thrown, Santana and Quinn go to hold hands and head to the gaggle of women together. They stand up at the front and Santana takes her necklace off to hang it around Quinn's neck, both too focused on each other to pay attention to the bouquet being thrown. They remain in the same spot during the Finchel duet, hugging and dancing, and the song is turned down in the background for Quinn to say "I've never slow-danced with a girl before", pull away and look into Santana's eyes then add "I like it", grinning because it seems as if the apple just dropped in her head that she's gay. Future events will clear that up right Quick, sadly, but let us bast in our headcanon. Leaning back in, Quinn smiles like she's actually genuinely happy for the first time in a few seasons. They end up sleeping together at least twice, but to clarify, No Hugging, No Kissing was in play here.
The large part in the middle of the episode is because a Dianna Agron is a rare-spotted thing, this being her last appearance this season, and they always work her to the bone when she's around. Plus, this brings a pleasing end to all the UST from the last episode she was in.
Kurt & Blaine: ...we first see these too in the back of a Prius. Huh. Who knew? It's clear from the get go that the emotions are set aside, Blaine claiming it's just bros helping bros. This will bite him later as they continue to make out before getting interrupted by Mercedes who calls on her arm gays. Later, Klaine get their Depeche Mode on; afterwards, as Kurt goes for a cupcake, we see the Cohen-Chang attack. Seems Tina's got it in her poor head that Kurt's the villain in the Klane breakup, whereas Kurt, apparently knowing of Tina's recent behavior, correctly calls her a Fag Hag. Unfortunately, Tina is undeterred, making the mistake of mentioning the "vapo-rape". Not helping your case. Later still, they take a room, where afterwards Blaine begs Kurt for it to mean something. Of course, as Blaine said, this is bros helping bros, so after a bro is helped, Kurt leaves. Blaine, you set yourself up for that one. Though it does lead to Tina apologizing for being a hag, so... okay?
Marley & Jake/Ryder: We start their thread with Marley giving Jake initialed cuff links. Fancy, and made from old typewriter keys, creative. Ryder approaches and asks Jake if he's reciprocating; Jake saying of course, then saying Big Puck's helping him. Yes, the cameos are in play as we cut to Big Puck, telling Little Puck to take Marley to dinner cause bulimia, then buy lingerie. Noah, sorry, but you're an idiot. Ryder offers a more sensible idea; make it Valentine's week. Jake approves, though it's obvious Ryder wants to be Jake so much right now. Later, in Will's history class, we see some of Ryder's ideas at work; specifically a serenade, some Marvin and Tammi to suit the mood, with Ryder clearly still pained to see his love interest with another. Later still, Jake provides her favorite flowers (peonies, which she mentioned one time and he remembered) as well as jewelry. Jake also thanks Ryder for putting aside any feelings he has to support his friends' relationship. When Jake and Marley go up to their hotel room, Marley ends up saying no, and apparently this Puckerman brother knows something about consent. Patience, not so much, as we'll see next season. Still later, Marley figures out Ryder's planned it all and calls him a good friend, giving him a gift and telling him he'll make a great boyfriend when the presents and feelings are real. He says they are... and kisses her. Face Palm. Ryder, we get your emotions, but the fact remains, you're an idiot.
Artie & Betty: Not actually very important. Betty is Emma's niece who exists for this episode only. She tells Artie about the physical features, but leaves one out. We soon see that feature; namely that she too is numb below the navel oh Dramatic Irony you're so ironic. Betty Pillsbury was played by Ali Stroker, runner up of Season Two of The Glee Project. Her then-partner, Dani Shay, a fellow TGP contestant, also makes a brief appearance in the episode. Emma sits Artie next to Betty for two reasons: they're both in wheelchairs so it's hella convenient, and she can't remember which glee kids are on speaking terms. Betty says that she doesn't date losers in wheelchairs because she's the head cheerleader at her high school (see, Quinn, you could've kept your place!). Artie convinces her to give him a dance because her rudeness turns him on. He also gets her to sleep with him, anyway. They make a joke about not being able to feel it. They then talk in the halls and we realize that Emma actually set up one of her students with her niece and must have had some idea of what they will end up doing. Artie gets Betty's number, and she of course is never seen again.
The Walking No Yay: ...yeah no. Thankfully the No Yay seems to have been discovered by the writers, so these two only sit next to each other whilst Brittany waves at Santana looking sad. They dance for a while (well, Brittany dances and Trouty slobbers within the vicinity), at which point Santana goes for refills with Quinn while we crave liquid courage as well.
Now, we will also point out that the song Finn chose was... "We've Got Tonite", which is a really sucky best man toast-song, but a great anthem for one night stands, and another of the occasions where Glee pulls off something pretty impressive. By that, we mean a montage of all couples entering hotel rooms for the night. The numbers of the rooms provide a Call-Back/Meaningful Name as it pertains to key events in the show's history.
- 206: the episode that Klaine meet.
- 215 or 216: Significant to Santana's coming out and when Quinn swears off men (the first time) and asks Rachel to stay away from Finn as well as writing romantic songs with the other girl.
- The subversion is Finchel, as their room number isn't one of the significant ones thrown in there, because they're shot in two rooms (208 and 214).
Never let it be said that Glee can't be clever. Now then, we end with some Ellie Goulding, but there is rare relevance to plot, as we cut to Rachel and the crisis mentioned above.
Next Time: Glee goes to the movies as we get the fallout from this aborted wedding, the milestone 500th performance, and a moment detractors of a certain character have waited four seasons to see.
- You're All I Need To Get By, by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell, performed by Jake and Marley with New Directions boys
- Getting Married Today from Company, performed by Emma, Mercedes, and Will
- Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode, performed by Kurt and Blaine
- "We've Got Tonite'' by Bob Seger (Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton version), performed by Finn and Rachel, Kurt and Blaine, Jake and Marley, Quinn and Santana, Artie and Betty
- Anything Could Happen by Ellie Goulding, performed by New Directions
- Bi the Way: Quinn, apparently.
- Convenient Slow Dance: What "We've Got Tonite" starting to play is for Quinn and Santana. Still. Not. Kidding.
- Everybody Has Lots of Sex
- Fanfic Fuel: The obvious ones involving Rachel instead of Santana, plus When It's Time To Party We Will Always Party Hard, which takes the "We've Got Tonite" montage Up to Eleven.
- Four Lines, All Waiting: The various plots revolving around relationships, basically shown as the epitome of the trope during "We've Got Tonight" and the bedroom scenes afterwards.
- Fridge Brilliance: Santana says that she and Quinn are "opposite ends of the same bitch-goddess spectrum" — one end will be 'complete bitch', the other 'absolute goddess'. Given Santana's self-proclamations of being the complete ('straight-up') bitch, is that just one massive convoluted way of giving Quinn the ultimate compliment?
- Love Dodecahedron: Emma is freaking our about seating plans because she doesn't know which various glee club couples are together this week.
- Makes Sense In Context: Promos (and the page image) with Sue in a wedding dress.
- Motor Mouth: "Getting Married Today", natch.
- "Not Important to This Episode" Camp: As is becoming common, Beiste & Sugar, though in Sugar's case it's primarily due to not wanting to see Mama Santana flirt with Aunt Q.
- Playing Cyrano: Ryder to Marley (for Jake)
- Runaway Bride: Emma.
- Sweeps Week Lesbian Kiss: Played with — yes, it was Sweeps Week for Glee, but the Quinn/Santana storyline was not advertised.
- The Cameo: Dianna Agron as Lucille Quinn Fabray, Mark Salling as Noah Puckerman, Harry Shum Jr as Mike Chang, Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones.
- Valentine's Day Episode
- Wedding Day