- Pat Mustard: Ah, yes, I'm afraid you've messed with the wrong milkman, Father. Well, if you don't mind, I'm off. Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up, they'll hear it all the way to the North Po-(An Eskimo looks around as the float blows Mustard up)
Ted and Dougal return to the parochial house from the Annual Baby of the Year Competition. Ted is unimpressed with Dougal's antics at the competition, running around with the babies too much and ending up vomiting all over Ted. The pair are also un-amused by the fact that a lot of the babies this year were 'hairy'. Ted finds out that, while they were gone, Mrs. Doyle left a brick in the middle of the floor of the living room, having apparently got the idea from a magazine about decorating.
Mrs. Doyle gets excited after seeing the milkman coming, and is already prepared with a different outfit than usual. She introduces Ted to Pat Mustard, a boastful, moustached man that Mrs. Doyle clearly has a liking for. That night, Ted notices from photographs that the babies all look similar, and all look like Pat Mustard. The next morning, he confronts Mustard, accusing the old man of fathering babies by having sex with housewives while on his rounds. Mustard denies it, but challenges Ted to prove him otherwise.
Ted and Dougal spy on Mustard, with Ted clearly intent on proving that Mustard has sex with housewives on the job. With a super-sensitive recorder (which somehow records a passing truck) and a camera, they manage to collect evidence of Mustard's activities and invite Mustard's boss, a man named Fox, to look over them. After Fox initially 'mis-reads' the situation, Ted manages to convince him to fire Mustard. Dougal, who claims he always wanted to be a milkman, is given the vacant position.
Dougal leaves in a milk float the next day to do his first rounds, while inside the house Ted finds out that Jack is using the brick for a 'pet' (albeit briefly). Mustard, planning revenge behind the scenes, calls Ted from a phonebooth and, using dirty language, tells him that he planted a bomb on the float, which will arm at 4 mph and explode, killing Dougal, if it goes below 4 mph. Ted gets into a panic and races to warn Dougal. Meanwhile, Dougal is met at various doorways by housewives who were clearly expecting Mustard. Dougal does not notice that one of them is topless and that another is naked.
By the time Ted catches up to Dougal, the milk float is dangerously close to becoming a car bomb. Despite Ted attempting to warn him, Dougal somehow allows the bomb to arm by going above 4. Ted is forced to have to come up with a way of saving the young priest's life (after somehow having to deal with a pyramid of boxes in the middle of the road).
Ted recruits Father Beeching and Father Clarke of Barren Island to help him. They initially attempt to say a Mass on a tractor trailer, but it does not help. Ted has to tell a still-panicking Dougal to circle around a roundabout until a solution is found. The priests debate the situation at the parochial house, making irrelevant references to action films, until Ted gets an idea from tripping over the brick. He returns to Dougal, who has decided he would rather be a priest than a milkman, and gets him to step off the milk float while he puts the brick on the accelerator. The float travels to where Mustard is, and explodes, killing the old man - the sound is supposedly heard at the North Pole.
That night, Dougal goes to bed, but suddenly gets up and shouts about women in the nip. Meanwhile, Mrs. Doyle puts away pieces of her shrine to Mustard and Ted puts out the rubbish, where he is hit by the half-burnt brick.
Tropes featured in this episode:
- A Date with Rosie Palms:Mustard: You had me sacked, and now I'm having to yank meself off round the clock 'cause I haven't had sex with any girls.
- Affectionate Parody: Following the release of Speed 2: Cruise Control, the writers were discussing storylines when the question came up: 'How do we create a sequel worse than Speed 2?' They seem to have decided that this would be perfect for a Father Ted episode, and the rest is history.
- Artistic License Biology: No baby in the real world would have moustaches, beards or sideburns. Ted lampshades this by starting to tell Dougal that normally one wouldnt need to shave a baby, but trips over the brick before he can finish his sentence.
- Asshole Victim: Zigzagged with Mustard. While Mrs. Doyle is shown mourning him, it is implied he will be forgotten by the priests and by the dairy company.
- Badass Mustache: Pat Mustard
- Big Brother Instinct: Ted protecting Dougal
- Blatant Lies: Mustard tells them by the dozen, such as claiming to have fought in the Vietnam War, is a life guard and former Mr. Universe, and that he taught Elvis to play karate.
- Brick Joke: A literal example. That brick Mrs. Doyle left on the floor ends up as a 'pet' for Jack and a way for Ted to save Dougal. Also done figuratively with a blackboard that Dougal though was unlike any other board, and also Dougal and the nude women:Dougal: THOSE WOMEN WERE IN THE NIP!
- Call-Back: Mrs. Gleason from "Hell" makes a comeback as one of the women expecting to be making love to Pat Mustard.
- The Casanova: Pat Mustard has had sex with almost every housewife on the island while on his rounds.
- Cheating with the Milkman: See above
- Chekhov's Gag: The brick
- Comically Missing the Point:
- Ted realises the babies entered into Craggy Island's Beautiful Baby contest all have suspiciously similar hairstyles to Pat Mustard. Dougal's first thought is that the babies are all copying his style.
- Ted presents Pat's manager with photographic evidence of Pat's indiscretions. Pat's manager responds by telling Ted how much he's willing to pay for the dirty photos.
- The priests realise that Dougal's situation is similar to the scenario of a certain action film, but randomly guess the wrong one.
- Father Beeching laments that Gene Hackman 'didn't even say Mass' in The Poseidon Adventure
- Companion Cube: Jack briefly adopts the brick as a 'pet', but it does not last long; he simply throws it at Ted, making him fall over.
- Delayed Reaction/Double Take: Dougal to the nude women. In fact, this one gets left as a Brick Joke.
- Dirty Old Man: Mustard
- Distant Reaction Shot: Provides the page quote
- Eskimo Land: Apparently the explosion can be heard all the way to the North Pole.
- Eureka Moment: Ted decides that the brick would do saving Dougal. After tripping over it again.
- Evil Laugh: Mustard does it when he's taunting Ted, to the point that he does not even realise that Ted is not listening anymore. He also appears to end up spending the entire day laughing maniacally in a phone box.
- Evil Gloating: What comes in from the phone booth during the latter half of the story
- Exposition Diagram: Parodied and subverted. The priests attempting to help Dougal out are drawing up various diagrams of plans to help out. After Ted has a Eureka Moment and scribbles his plan on the board. His plan is to put the brick on the accelerator, and we then see the board where he has simply written 'WE PUT THE BRICK ON THE ACCELERATOR'.
- Funny Background Event: As Ted suggests that Mrs Doyle is buying more milk just to see Pat Mustard every day, she appears in the back of the shot watering the plants with it.
- Genre Blindness: The priests in the second half, who don't realise they are dealing with something out of a Keanu Reeves film.
- Good Hair, Evil Hair: Mustard has all manner of facial hair, which his young children somehow inherit.
- Hoist by His Own Petard: Mustard and bombs are not a good combination, especially if it's his bomb.
- Hypocritical Humor: After Ted confronts Pat Mustard about using his job as a milkman to father illegitimate children across Craggy Island, suggesting that he should be more careful in the bedroom, Pat turns it around and asks if Ted's suggesting that he use artificial contraception?Ted: Yes! (Beat) No! Oh, just feck off!
- Innocent Innuendo: "Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box?"
- It's All About Me: Mustard. The man's ego is probably difficult to measure properly, without special equipment. He's even convinced that Ted would never be able to prove what he was up to, despite him making it comically obvious.
- Jerkass: Pat Mustard.
- Karmic Death: Alas, poor Mustard.
- Kavorka Man: Pat Mustard
- Lame Comeback: As seen above, Ted's reply to Mustard pointing out that Ted just advocated the use of artificial contraception.
- Laser-Guided Karma: Was it mentioned that the milk float previously belonged to Mustard?
- Low-Speed Chase
- MayDecember Romance: Pat Mustard to many of the island's women.
- Naked People Are Funny: The nude women whom Dougal sees.
- Noodle Incident: The 'Baby of the Year' Competition, which not only had a lot of hairy babies (traceable back to Mustard), but left Ted covered in white vomit
- Not Distracted by the Sexy: It takes Dougal several hours to process the sight of nude women.
- Overly Long Gag: By the time Ted is able to rescue Dougal from the milk-float-bomb, night has fallen. Same goes for Mustard in the phone booth.
- Parody Episode: They did not call it "Speed 3" for no reason. The writers have stated on record that they had heard about Speed 2: Cruise Control but not seen it but felt the idea of a boat speeding out of control a crazy idea, and wanted to find an even worse idea beyond that.
- Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: When asking to replace Pat Mustard as the milkman, Dougal acknowledges that his being a priest doesn't actually involve any work.
- Porn Stache: Mustard
- Really Gets Around: Mustard basically shags all day while he's working. When he loses his job, he outright states that he's yanking himself around the clock because he can't get sex.
- Running Gag: The brick and the blackboard are this.
- Shout-Out: Speed 3
- Stock "Yuck!": Fox claims that Ultra-Heat Treated Milk is this:Fox: Milk gets sour, you know, unless it's UHT Milk. But there's no demand for that because it's shite!
- Strange Minds Think Alike: Weird example when Ted's think-tank team of priests seem to independently work out that the episode is a Whole Plot Reference to an action film and the answer must lie in such a film, yet constantly pick the wrong ones which bear no relevance to the crisis, such as The Towering Inferno. More hilariously, they only pick The Poseidon Adventure because Gene Hackman plays a priest in it. He doesn't even say Mass!
- When All You Have Is a Hammer...: "Is there anything to be said for saying another mass?"
- Whole Plot Reference: To Speed, obviously.
- Wrong Genre Savvy: Fathers, seriously, do you not know that this is a case of a vehicle rigged to explode, not a building on fire or a ship sinking?
- Your Cheating Heart: Just about everyone whom Pat Mustard has slept with has the title 'Mrs.' (well, they're all women), so, excluding Mrs. Doyle, it is implied that this trope is in play here.