Airdate: November 22, 2009
Peter, Joe, and Quagmire are still sad about Cleveland leaving for Virginia, and decide to find a new friend to fill the void Cleveland left. Brian offers to be that friend, but Peter tells him that it wouldn't be a good idea, and reveals that Quagmire doesn't like Brian, which Brian's genuinely surprised by.
The three wind up finding Jerome, another bar patron who is good at darts. Peter tries to introduce Jerome to Lois, but the two instantly recognize each other. Lois explains that she and Jerome dated years ago. Peter becomes very angry at this revelation, and one night after getting drunk, he throws a bottle in his house, causing a fire. Lois asks an upset Jerome to live with her and Peter for a while.
However, Peter winds up remaining jealous, and eventually can't contain his anger anymore. He winds up dressing like what he thinks is a ghost to scare Jerome out (although his choice of dress makes him look like a member of the KKK). Jerome winds up leaving the house. Lois is very upset at Peter, and revealed that Jerome gave Peter a present. Peter goes to the bar and apologizes. The two make up (and Peter reacts with indifference when Jerome reveals that he slept with Meg).
Meanwhile, Brian tries to find out what makes Quagmire hate him. However, this does not go well. Brian mistakes Quagmire's sister (who is being abused by her boyfriend) for his date. Brian winds up tricking Quagmire into going out to dinner with him by addressing a letter as Quagmire's long lost love, Cheryl Tiegs. After Quagmire breaks down learning that it was not Cheryl Tiegs, the dinner is quite awkward. Brian tries to make small talk, yet eventually gets to the chase, asking Quagmire why he doesn't like him. How does Quagmire respond?
Quagmire then takes a minute and a half essentially stating that Brian is an egotistical, hypocritical, dishonest, preachy Jerk Ass who can't write, is a horrible father to the son he's only met once, freeloads off the people who care about him, pushes his liberal agenda on those who don't believe in it, can't hold on to a girlfriend, complains about society's problems while making no attempt to help fix them, only goes after bimbosnote , and is simply a sad, boring drunk. Brian's stunned by this revelation, and walks home depressed. At home, Stewie tells Brian that all he needs to do is love himself, and lets him sleep in his room.
"Jerome Is The New Black" contains examples of (YMMV goes here):
- The Ace: Jerome.
- At Least I Admit It: Quagmire calls Brian out on only dating bimbos, then states that he does the same thing, but he at least doesn't pretend to be an intellectual to get in girl's pants (with Quagmire, it's either pick-up lines or drugging their drinks, which isn't much better in Real Life, but somehow is in the Family Guy world).
- Boring Insult: Quagmire concludes his rant against Brian by saying that all his other flaws could be negligible if he wasn't such a "big, sad, alcoholic bore".
- Cerebus Retcon: Quagmire reveals that his womanizing and near-rapist behavior is the end result of losing his one true love, Cheryl Tiegs. A lot of past episodes, such as "Emission Impossible" and "The Perfect Castaway" did have Quagmire allude to Cheryl Tiegs, but before this point, the viewer thinks that Tiegs could be Quagmire's Celebrity Crush.
- Continuity Nod: Jerome calls Lois by the nickname "Loose Lois", which was previously mentioned in "Road to Europe" (and was her nickname when she had sex with all four members of KISS). Also Quagmire's unrelenting hatred for Brian is brought back up.
- Quagmire mentions in his speech some events from past episodes including "The Former Life of Brian" (the son that Brian doesn't care for or see, though Brian saw his son again on "Brian's a Bad Father"), "Play It Again Brian" (Brian betraying Peter by hitting on Lois), Brian being a bad writer ("Movin' Out [Brian's Song]," "Episode 420," and the next episode "Dog Gone")note , "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven" (pushing his Hollywood atheism on others, which is how most fans felt about the episode. The writers do agree that the moral was a little heavy-handed, but don't outright hate the episode), and "Episode 420" (his failed campaign to legalize marijuana).
- Domestic Abuse: This episode reveals that Quagmire has a sister who's being abused by her boyfriend, which gets touched on in more dramatic detail in season 10's "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q."
- Gasshole: Brian, after he gets in bed with StewieStewie: Aw, come on, man!
- House Fire: In a fit of jealousy, Peter throws a projectile through the window of Jerome's house, knocking over a lamp and starting a fire. Fortunately, Jerome is able to escape unharmed, but the house burns to the ground.Peter: Dear God and Black Jesus!
- Hypocrite: Twice against Quagmire during his "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Brian:
- First, he calls him out for hitting on Lois when this is the same guy whose done the same thing to an equal if not higher degree and has gone as far as digging though the Griffins' trash for her toenail clippings.
- He uses the line "How's that son of yours you never see?" in referencing Brian's failure as a father. Quagmire himself encountered several children that resembled him in "Tales of a Third Grade Nothing" and promptly ran away. He also gave his daughter up for adoption in the episode literally right before this one while Dylan himself chose to leave Brian in order to take care of his mother.
- Karma Houdini: While Peter is made to feel bad for mistrusting Jerome, he is never found out as the one who burned down his house in the first place.
- LoveMotherLoveDaughter: Jerome previously dated Lois years ago when she was a party girl and at some point manages to have sex with her daughter Meg. Despite this, Peter obviously doesn't care about that last part.
- My God, What Have I Done?: Unlike most of his other Jerk Ass antics, Peter genuinely feels bad about what he did to Jerome.
- Pet the Dog: Stewie letting Brian sleep in his room after his disastrous dinner with Quagmire.
- Precision F-Strike: After Quagmire finishes his speech.Quagmire: Well, see you around, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.note
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: Quagmire's famous tirade on why Brian is a bad person. See Wham Speech below.
- Series Continuity Error: This episode features possibly the first instance of the series believing that Brian abandoned his biological son Dylan when in actuality the latter chose to leave Brian on his own account in order to take care of his mother/Brian's ex-girlfriend.
- Somebody Doesn't Love Raymond: Brian tries to be friends with Quagmire and fails. And, unlike most "Somebody Doesn't Love Raymond" plots, Quagmire has a very detailed reason about why he finds Brian so repugnant.
- Wham Speech: These two simple lines that turn into an epic Take That! against a character that went from sane man to Soapbox Sadie much to the irritation of fans (especially after viewer complaints from "Episode 420" and "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven.")Brian: How come you don't like me?Quagmire: Okay. I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say [mocks Brian] "Ooh, I'll get you later", but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much: He's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite". And what I think I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should [mocks again] "legalize pot, man", how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well what have you done to help?! I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian! Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter because [mocks again] "religion is for idiots". Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?! You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that—all of it—if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! [sighs, puts his napkin on the table, and sets to leave] I'll see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.