In this two-part episode, Earl complains that Fran didn't get him any pistachios at the store, not believing her that every store she went to was out. On the news, Howard Handupme reports that the four-legged dinosaurs are in charge of the pistachio trees, and there's disagreements with the two-legged dinosaurs. Soon, the two-legged dinosaurs declare war against the four-legged dinosaurs. Earl and his co-workers are relieved that they won't be drafted, just their kids and the homeless. Robbie gets drafted, and Earl fully supports him in being in the war. It's believed that the war won't be too dangerous, until Howard Handupme accidentally reports some news that was not supposed to be announced, regarding one soldier getting killed, and the government refuses to reveal who. With the possibility that Robbie might be the one who was killed, Earl changes his feelings of the war.
Meanwhile, Baby starts his own war, when a mammal takes Baby's cookie, and Fran, not believing that there's a "cookie creature" (she thinks Baby just wants another cookie), goes into the hole to attack. When the Baby finds that the creature had taken the cookie to feed its young, it decides to let the Baby win, but Baby has a change of heart and lets them have their cookie.
Earl starts protesting the war, when Mr. Richfield calls Earl into his trailer. Richfield reveals that the government has been paying WESAYSO to make war weapons (sticks and stones), and that the company has also been selling weapons to the enemies as well. Richfield is then disappointed to see a news report that the war has ended just because one soldier was killed. At home, Ethyl points out that this was the fault of the males being so obsessed with their snack treats, which Earl admits. But the family is happy when Robbie comes home, alive and well. Robbie is disappointed that the war ended, as he thinks they could have won, and considers plans for next time, but Earl tells him that he should grow up like a normal teenager.
Includes examples of
- All for Nothing: After the war ends and the two sides make an agreement over pistachios, it turns out that nearly all pistachio trees were destroyed during the war.
- And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt: When Earl arrives home clad in We Are Right regalia, it includes "My Son Went to We Are Right And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt".
- Blood Knight: Robbie becomes a very subtle, downplayed example of this in the 2nd part. When the War is called off and everyone goes home, Robbie is actually disappointed and talks about plans for the next war. But Earl brings him down to Earth and reminds him that someone was killed and that Robbie should act like a normal teenager and go back to school. Again, it's a downplayed example, but the fact that Robbie is disappointed about the war's end and willing to fight another time is still kind of disturbing.
- Cassandra Truth/Not-So-Imaginary Friend: Fran doesn't believe that a "cookie creature" took the Baby's cookie (thinking he had eaten his cookie and just wanted another one) and plays along, saying it's between him and the cookie creature, which leads to the Baby starting his own war.
- Comically Missing the Point: Richfield shows Earl some sticks and asks if Earl knows what happens to the pushed down trees. Earl assumes Richfield sells the trees and uses the money to buy sticks.
- "Could Have Avoided This!" Plot: Ethyl points out the ridiculousness of fighting for pistachios, and when Earl (who had previously dismissed trying other snacks) tries another snack, he realizes it is just as good and wishes he had known about that snack before.
- Disproportionate Retribution: Richfield sees the war ending just because one soldier was killed as this.
- Does This Remind You of Anything?:
- The episode is a thinly-veiled parody of the first Gulf War. Pistachios are a stand-in for oil, which many felt was the real reason for the war.
- At one point, Howard Handupme lists the last names of several dinosaurs who believe the war will end in a loss. All of them are real life people who were blacklist victims of the McCarthy hearings.
- Fantastic Racism: The two-legged dinosaurs wage war against the four-legged dinosaurs.
- Field Promotion: Robbie gets promoted to sergeant and is told to lead a charge by his actual Sergeant when the latter is blinded in both eyes and no longer able to command the troops.
- From Bad to Worse: It’s established that in war dinosaurs fight through hissing and spitting, until they started to use sticks and stones, which lead to one casualty.
- Fun with Acronyms: When the war is called Operation: We Are Right, one reporter asks if they can just write its initials, to save the time of having to write it so much. He gets criticism for it when others question how to pronounce war. When Earl starts opposing the war, he holds a sign that reads "We Are Rong" on one side and "Pistachio Eaters Against Chief Elders" on the other side.
- Highly-Conspicuous Uniform: Earl assures Fran that no harm will come to Robbie as long as he wears their flag in his uniform. Unfortunately, the flag looks exactly like a bullseye.
- Imagine the Audience Naked: Roy advises to Charlene that she overcome her stage fright by imagining the soldiers she is to perform for in their underwear. Earl is less than thrilled and orders his daughter to imagine the boys with pants on as she advances toward the stage.
- Kill It with Fire: On the game show Earl and Robbie are watching at the beginning, a contestant is asked how many planets revolve around the Earth. When he responds that the Earth revolves around the Sun, he is branded a heretic and sentenced to be burned at the stake.
- Monster Is a Mommy: The Cookie Creature only stole the Baby's cookie to feed its young.
- Mooning: Howard Handupme starts to show the audience footage of the war, but decides against it on the grounds that it could be too intense to view at dinnertime. Ethyl quips that one of the soldiers probably mooned the camera.
- Nice Job Breaking It, Rivals!: Once the conflict is ended Howard Handupme reports that the two sides have agreed to share the pistachios equally, but unfortunately nearly all of the trees were destroyed by the war.
- No Blood for Phlebotinum: The titular war is a resource war over pistachios.
- No Celebrities Were Harmed: The troops are entertained by Bob Hack.
- Oh, Crap!: Howard Handumpe is utterly shocked when he accidentally reads the report that a soldier was killed during the war.
- Silly Reason for War: Pistachios are the reason for the war.
- Baby starts his own war when his cookie gets stolen, but this is justified since he is a baby and he calls off the war once he realizes why the Cookie Creature stole his cookie.
- Special Guest: Gary Owens as the announcer.
- The Television Talks Back: When the news announces a special speech about to be given by the Elder in Chief, Mr. Richfield begins to reach for his remote control, when the announcer tells him not to bother, the speech is going to on every channel, causing Mr. Richfield to throw it down in disgust.
- War Is Glorious: The episodes treat the Pistachio war like this at first, but it eventually ends as An Aesop of how War Is Hell once a casualty has been accidentally reported.
- Who Would Be Stupid Enough?: After Ethyl says only stupid persons fall for the commercialization of the war, Earl arrives home clad in We Are Right regalia.
