Boomstick: John Wick, the legendary hitman who did the impossible.
Wiz: Whether they fly solo or operate on behalf of government, the world is full of professional killers of all shapes and sizes.
Boomstick: But which one of cinema's super-assassins is packing parabellum, and which one will live to Die Another Day?
Death Battle Season 9 is back with a bang quite literally with two battle-hardened assassins of the highest order whose tales of bloodshed and bedlam have regaled movie-going audiences for years. In a clash of old school and new school, Wiz and Boomstick take the quintessential super-spy and all his tricks of the trade acquired over his long running career to see if he has whatever it takes to withstand the tenacity of one of the most feared contract killers in the history of the underworld. Tragedy and circumstance forced these two men to forsake whatever chances they had at leading normal lives, and many have fallen before them for being foolish enough to simply stand in their way; who will have enough in the tank to survive the other's arsenal and sheer focus in a death battle?
The hosts first look at one of MI6's finest and one of the original action heroes who's operated from the beaches of Crab Key to the craps table of Casino Royale, From Russia with Love to Moonraker at the edge of space, a man who's saved the world on multiple occasions, Agent 007, known just as well by his civilian name: Bond... James Bond. As a young man, James lost both of his parents in a climbing accident in the French Alps, after which he studied abroad and graduated to the Ministry of Defense. Though World War II broke out soon after, Bond quickly rose through the ranks and became a commander of the Royal Navy, and after the war ended, James decided On Her Majesty's Secret Service and became an special agent of MI6. His superiors were so impressed with Bond's work that he was sent on his first two state-sanctioned assassinations, after which he was granted his 00 codename and a Licence to Kill with impunity.
As befitting one of his legendary status, 007 is a jack-of-all-trades throughout his various incarnations and depictions, holding many skills to his name. His assigned weapon is the Walther PPK, one of the world's first successful semi-automatic pistols which, while only able to carry nine rounds at a time, is easily concealable thanks to its small size, and a microdermal implant in the grip encoded to Bond's fingerprint ensures that only he can fire it. What's more, the ammunition for it has been modified to split apart on entry, creating eight exit wounds akin to a shotgun blast. And Bond has the GoldenEye of marksmanship to make the most of it, being able to clear a room of armed guards in only a second and shoot the fuel tank of a helicopter a quarter of a mile away from a moving speedboat at night, both feats performed with this same pistol. This isn't to say Bond is any less dangerous unarmed, as he utilizes a mix of fighting styles theorized to most likely be the Welsh self-defense system of Goshinkwai, taught by the modern Special Air Service, and includes judo, boxing, Krav Maga, Muay Thai, and jiu-jitsu, allowing him to keep up even when his foes outnumber him. And, questionable as it may seem, it is undeniable that James has an innate talent for seduction, having once charmed a woman sent to kill him that he'd only met less than two minutes prior to the point that she willingly took a bullet for him. As such, it's only fitting that to compliment his knack for quick thinking and creative problem-solving, he'd be armed with several gadgets developed by MI6's quartermaster Q, most of which are disguised as everyday objects. Among these gadgets are a pen that explodes after three clicks and disarms with a fourth, an Omega Seamaster wristwatch able to fire a cutting laser, a miniature rocket launcher disguised as a cigarette, and C4 toothpaste able to be remotely detonated. Also within his arsenal is a lightweight bulletproof vest, a garrote wire for covert eliminations, and a grappling hook hidden in his belt buckle, with more esoteric equipment including echolocation earbuds, x-ray vision sunglasses, ultrasonic cufflink grenades, a stun gas keychain, a cell phone taser, explosive remote-controlled drones, a nanosuit that renders him invisible to the naked eye, and even a jetpack (which Boomstick remarks would take a real pair of thunderballs to fire upon one riding it). Though all this pales in comparison to his signature means of transportation, the Aston Martin DB5. This seemingly ordinary car is equipped with just as many gadgets as its driver, including front-mounted machine guns, oil slicks, smoke screens, and an ejector seat, and the vehicle is immensely bulletproof as well. Q has provided Bond with numerous cars over the years with increasingly remarkable features, such as a submarine transformation, light-bending holograms to render it invisible, and a remote control built into Bond's phone.
And while it may seem like 007 has the world at his fingertips, for him, The World Is Not Enough, as though his debonair attitude and quick wit would suggest otherwise, Bond is a broken, soulless shell of a man only good at murder. Though he wasn't always this way; not long after attaining 00 status, James had found love and had decided to marry and leave the Secret Service behind. However, fate had other plans for him, and his wife would die soon after, prompting the heartbroken Bond to return to MI6. And with nothing left to live for, it could be argued that his psychopathic tendencies are apparent, having killed hundreds of enemies over his storied career and being said to enjoy the act of interrogation and torture more than he should. Bond is strong enough to battle superhuman opponents such as Oddjob and Jaws, the latter of whom is able to lift a van off the ground, and durable enough to survive his aircraft being blasted by a stinger missile, falling hundreds of feet into a river, and endure brutal acts of torture. 007 is even quick enough to dodge gunfire at almost point-blank range, and capable of dodging missiles in freefall while successfully returning fire. Time and again he's outsmarted villainous masterminds such as Dr. No, Goldfinger, Scaramanga (aka The Man with the Golden Gun), and his arch-nemesis, the international terrorist Ernst Stavro Blofeld. But all this should come to be expected of a man who once escaped a laser from outer space by kite-surfing on a tsunami.
One advertisement for the episode's first sponsor Babbel later, the hosts introduce Bond's foe by espousing that there are mistakes one can make that can screw a person over for the rest of their life. Such a mistake was made by one Iosef Tarasov, the son of the head of a Russian mafia gang who, after his offer to buy a man's car from him was rejected, decided to break into the man's home, beat him up, steal the car, and kill his dog for good measure. Unfortunately for him, said man was Johnathan Wick, also known as Baba Yaga, one of the deadliest men in the world... and the dog, Daisy, was the last gift from his recently deceased wife Helen. Though this Spectre's past is shrouded in mystery, it's rumored that he was born Jardani Jovonovich, and was trained by the Ruska Roma crime syndicate at a young age before moving to America to make a name for himself in its underworld, and evidently succeeded to the point that even the most hardened criminals know enough about him to have The Living Daylights scared out of them.
A master martial artist, Wick combines several fighting styles into one all-purpose style that brutally combines maximum efficiency with minimal exertion. Since it's extremely rare for his foes to survive such an encounter with him, which specific styles those are are for his eyes only, so Wiz and Boomstick look at the styles that his actor, Keanu Reeves, trained in to prepare for the movies, and determine that he uses a mix of sambo, aikido, judo, and Brazilian jiu-jitsu for defensive purposes, while falling back on Krav Maga when going on the offensive. The last of these styles is designed to be as deadly as possible, and this also describes John perfectly; in his hands, anything from knives and swords to ordinary objects like books, a belt, and even a pencil are deadly objects, and his precise understanding of human anatomy lets him easily target weak points and vital organs. But Wick doesn't have to rely on such unconventional weapons thanks to the Continental, an international chain of hotels that serves as a front to an assassin society, which provides him with whatever munitions he requires. John's favored firearm is the Heckler & Koch P30L, a polymer-framed semi-automatic handgun that holds fifteen 9x19 rounds at a time, which he expertly wields to clear entire rooms of hostiles, once even taking out seven armed guards within three seconds. Wick's accuracy is also not to be taken lightly, consistently landing shots even when riding a horse or a motorcycle; if he has A View to a Kill, he'll take it. And he comes literally dressed to kill with a tailored tactically-lined suit, the jacket of which is completely bulletproof, able to endure several close-range gunshots, and it also helps him blend into the shadows for stealthy takedowns.
John eventually joined the Tarasov mob and quickly became one of their top enforcers, though after years of dealing death, he would find the love of his life in Helen, and decided that he wanted out so that he could retire and marry her. His boss, not wanting to lose such a valuable asset, gave him the seemingly impossible task of eliminating all of the Tarasov's enemies within a single night. And, managing to accomplish this task, Wick's story would end here... were it not for his former employer's son murdering his dog. With his last tether to a happy life gone, Wick set out on a bloody crusade to raze the underworld of New York in the name of revenge. And across the current chronicles of his crusade, spanning a mere two weeks, he's left over three hundred bodies in his wake; for any criminal, seeing John Wick is akin to seeing the sky fall, as no matter how they try to fight it, their fate is sealed. The ex-hitman has survived stabbings, being hit by cars, being shot in the stomach, explosions, mutilation, falling off a 10-story building, and trekking through the Saharan desert, all within this fortnight and while his previous injuries hadn't properly healed yet, and is also strong enough to throw around full-grown men, break bones, and bodyslam two assassins through a bulletproof glass floor. Wick has successfully eliminated his former Tarasov employers, the D'Antonio crime family, and an international army of assassins attacking him at random one after another every few minutes. Even when the Continental declared him excommunicado, depriving him of his former resources, John killed every single soldier sent after him by the High Table, with barely a Quantum of Solace to rest.
After an advertisement from the episode's second sponsor Mint Mobile, the stage is set for this deadly duo to duel to the death, and it's No Time to Die for a death battle!
Straightening his tie, MI6's finest, James Bond, steps out of the Continental's elevator and towards the bar, as Q warns him that his target is a dangerous man. Sitting beside said target, John Wick, the Brit orders a vodka martini, shaken not stirred, before cheerily asking him what he can get him. Wick responds that he'd prefer to be left alone, but 007 presses his Walther PPK into his side, informing Baba Yaga that that isn't an option for him. Unfazed, the ex-assassin tells him that killing isn't permitted on company grounds, only for Bond to remark on how fortunate that is for him.
FIGHT!
John Wick pulls out his pistol and both men fire into each other's stomachs, only being knocked backwards thanks to their body armor. Wick disarms Bond and then hits him with a bar stool, to which the agent from MI6 replies by knocking his gun away with a tray, only to get disarmed again, prompting him to jump over another nearby bar. After Wick lobs a piece of the broken bar stool at his opponent, he uses the distraction to retrieve his gun. But when he aims it at Bond, he sees him smoking a cigarette.
Bond feigns defeat and requests to have one last smoke, but Wick asks what MI6 wants with him. James politely replies by telling John that his reputation precedes him and that he will try to keep up despite John insisting that he won't. James winks at John and then shoots a tiny rocket from his cigarette which knocks the former assassin down and leaves a small flame on his jacket. This causes John to drop his smartphone which is showing a picture of him with his dead wife.
Bond rushes off to retrieve his Walther PPK as Wick puts out the flame that the small rocket left on his jacket. Both agents shoot their handguns at each other, but the bullets collide in mid-air, with Bond's bullet knocking Wick's gun out his his hand whilst the other one grazes Bond's cheek.
Bond is tackled into the wall by Baba Yaga, who punches him in the face and then suplexes him. Pinned down, James tries to use his laser watch, but Wick knocks it to the side and punches him again before stealing his explosive pen. As Wick clicks the end to release the tip so he can stab his opponent, Bond manages to roll away and get back onto his feet so he can reclaim control of his pen. However, the former assassin's grip on the pen is strong and he manages to kick Bond away before attempting to swipe the pen to slash Agent 007. Bond attempts to restrain Wick and the resulting struggle sees the pen being tossed into the air, landing on its end with one last click. As Bond informs Wick that he'd lost count of the pen's clicks, it explodes, sending both assassins falling down to the lobby.
Both assassins struggle to get up amidst a sea of glass shards, but Baba Yaga has the advantage of having his handgun nearby, forcing Bond to take cover behind a pillar and call for his car which barges into the room and fires at Wick with its twin headlight machine guns. Bond takes one look at Wick trying to evade this unexpected move, but it quickly proves to be a mistake; Baba Yaga spots him and takes aim, shooting Bond's car controller off Bond's hands, damaging it, before charging at the licensed killer for a knife fight. Amidst struggling to counter Wick's attacks and his now out-of-control car, Bond is stabbed, but manages to headbutt Wick in time to avoid his car's gunfire, dive to a pistol on the ground and land a shot at Baba Yaga's chest before the former hitman can pull his trigger, his bulletproof vest having been greatly weakened earlier in the struggle by Bond's earlier attacks.
Enraged, Wick charges at the British agent for one more struggle, gaining two more bullets to his chest. As 007 tries to resist Bond's pressing, he observes a chandelier from the bar along with his spinning car still firing everything it has and, with a witty quip, pushes his target towards the car before firing his watch laser at the chandelier's hanging chain, causing it to fall on a worn out Wick, who resignedly agrees with Bond's saying right before he dies. With MI6's target down and Wick's damaged phone fizzling out to black, Q contacts Bond over how the mission went out, to which 007 only responds with an exhausted "Smashing. Positively smashing".
KO!
While Baba Yaga proved himself in surpassing the impossible time and time again, his undying tenacity met its match and more in Agent 007. Both men proved to be a similar enough match at first that neither had any true definitive edges over the other, and "match" truly was the optimal word to use; they trained in many of the same fighting styles and had feats to show they were borderline superhuman. On one hand, Wick slamming the Shinobi hard enough to break a bulletproof glass floor showcased his physical strength advantage and fighting off as many assassins as he's had within such a relatively short period of time meant he would be able to fight even at death's door. On the other, Bond was proven to be a faster quick draw while still being able to hit targets at very far distances, being able to dodge bullets gave him a further edge in speed, and he's had more experience battling enhanced foes like Jaws before. Adding on top the caveat that both men had similar protection with their body armor, this battle was not one either man could win off a gunfight or a close quarters battle alone, which is where Bond's gadgets kick in as the Brit's ace in the hole. Given their unusual nature bordering onto being lifted straight out of science fiction, it was highly unlikely that Wick would be in a position to readily counter all the options they provided his opponent; between the Aston Martin's bulletproof armor, various anti-stealth gadgets and unassuming everyday objects that hide various tricks, all of them provided Bond with opportunities to come up with game-winning strategies in the past against all sorts of foes, and it proved to be no different here. For all of Wick's relentlessness, he is still about as vulnerable as any normal man and has his limits, and given the arsenal difference, it was only a matter of time before he simply got outgunned.
(The exploding pen detonates)
Wiz: [coughing] The winner is Bond... James Bond.
This Death Battle includes the following tropes:
- Always Someone Better: Although both men are some of the toughest sons of bitches ever to grace the silver screen and then some, Bond is ultimately the better fighter. Both are Determinators of the highest order and have access to a wide array of weapons, but Bond not only has some pretty outlandish weapons that Wick would not expect and has no defense for, but Bond is shown to have the better agility between them as seen during the Shoot the Bullet moment; Wick's gun is shot out of his hand, but Bond dodges it outright.
- Blasting It Out of Their Hands: Wick's gun is knocked out of his hands from ricocheting bullets from the Shoot the Bullet moment. Later, Wick shoots Bond's phone out of his hand with a well-placed bullet, causing his Aston Martin to start going into donuts.
- Bond Gun Barrel: During the fight, we're shown a POV shot from inside Wick's gun barrel as he tries to shoot Bond… only for 007 to outdraw him and shoot first, sending blood streaking down the top of the screen.
- Bond One-Liner: Since this match features the Trope Namer, naturally this ensues after the killing blow has been dealt:Q: [static] Bond? Come in! What's the mission status?
Bond: ...Smashing... positively smashing.
Q: Oh, do grow up, 007! - Brick Joke: Boomstick is seen clicking the exploding pen introduced in Bond's analysis during his and Wick's analysis, and it finally detonates at the episode's end.
- Bulletproof Vest: Both Bond and Wick have bullet protection, Bond a vest and Wick his suit. Wick's is better than Bond's, but it doesn't make him completely invincible.
- Composite Character: Bond is given this treatment between all the movies, books, comics and video games he's been in. Sidenotes in his analysis point out that each Bond from Sean Connery to Pierce Brosnan is meant to be the same person, and while the incarnation played by Daniel Craig (the main Bond represented in the episode) is explicitly mentioned to be a Continuity Reboot, the character has not changed too much to the point a composite would be unlikely. In the animation, the composite is shown with Craig being used as the model but having the gadgets and more affable personality of his predecessors.
- Falling Chandelier of Doom: This is how Bond finishes off Wick, using his laser watch to drop a chandelier on and crush Wick.
- Fatal Family Photo: Wick drops his smartphone near the beginning of the fight, the lock screen showing a picture of his late wife Helen. After his death, the phone is seen again, with its cracked screen finally turning off.
- Foreshadowing:
- Every gadget that Boomstick lists during Bond's character breakdown is one that Bond himself uses against Wick during the fight.
- Near the beginning of the fight, Bond and Wick Shoot the Bullet. While the ricocheting bullets knock Wick's gun out of his hand, Bond narrowly dodges his with the bullet only grazing his cheek, showing that he is faster.
- When Bond uses his cigarette rocket launcher and laser watch on Wick, it seemingly does little to no damage, with the former only knocking Wick down and causing a small fire that he quickly puts out, and the laser being quickly shrugged off entirely. Near the fight's end, however, it's revealed that these attacks had weakened Wick's bulletproof suit when Bond shoots Wick three times in these same spots and the bullets successfully pierce through.
- Hurricane of Puns: Throughout the episode, Wiz and Boomstick rattle off puns based on Bond's movie titles, with a few other relevant titles thrown in occasionally.Boomstick: But which one of cinema's super assassins is packin' Parabellum, and which one will live to Die Another Day?
Wiz: From the shores of Crab Key to the craps table of Casino Royale, From Russia with Love to the Moonraker at the edge of outer space, no man has saved the world more times than Bond.
Wiz: So, after the war, James decided On Her Majesty's Secret Service and became a special agent of MI6. And they were so impressed, he was given his first two state-sanctioned assassinations. With this baptism in blood, Bond was granted the legendary Double-0 status, and a Licence to Kill with impunity.
Wiz: Bond has the GoldenEye of an expert marksman, able to take out a room of armed guards in a single second.
Boomstick: You've gotta have a hell of a pair of Thunderballs to piss off a crazy scot ridin' one of those.
Wiz: But for some, The World Is Not Enough.
Wiz: Time and time again, he's outsmarted criminal masterminds like Dr. No, Goldfinger, and Scaramanga, The Man with the Golden Gun.
Boomstick: What more can we say about 007? He's got the best job in the business, and nobody does it better.
Wiz: The full story of this Spectre is almost nonexistent.
Boomstick: [Wick is] Terrifying enough to scare The Living Daylights out of even the most hardened murderers.
Boomstick: Almost no one who has fought him directly has lived to tell the tale, so which specific forms he practices are for his eyes only.
Boomstick: If he's got A View to a Kill, you can bet he's takin' it.
Boomstick: Running into him is like seeing the Sky Fall. You're going to die. There's no escape! He's survived being stabbed, rammed by cars, shot in the stomach, blown up, mutilated, and knocked off of a 10-story building, all within a fortnight.
Boomstick: [Wick had] barely a Quantum of Solace to rest!
Boomstick: It's No Time to Die FOR A DEATH BATTLE!
Boomstick: I never thought Wick could lose! But I guess I'll Never Say Never Again. Though his skills and brutal tenacity would've saved Wick initially, against James Bond, You Only Live Twice.
Boomstick: Diamonds Are Forever, but against someone just as skilled with an arsenal straight outta science fiction, Wick's luck definitely wasn't. Bond may have been The Spy Who Loved Me, but against Wick, he was going to Live and Let Die, and you can bet Tomorrow Never Dies. Nailed it! [Wiz just stares at him, completely unamused by the amount of puns he used] Look, I just had to fit the last few movies in, okay? D'oh, wait, shit! I forgot about Octopussy! - Murderous Malfunctioning Machine: Once Wick shoots the controller for the Aston Martin DB5 out of Bond's hands, it enters "Deja Vu" mode and starts doing donuts uncontrollably and shooting wildly at everything in sight. Downplayed as this doesn't directly cause anyone to die.
- Mythology Gag:
- Before Bond attempts to apprehend Wick, Q parts ways with Bond by greeting him "happy hunting" - a line often told to Wick himself in his films.
- Once again, Bond orders a vodka martini, "shaken, not stirred".
- When Bond tells Wick that he'll be sure to keep up with him, Wick replies "No, you won't," the same blunt denial he said to Zero.
- The DB5's miniguns emerging from the headlights and the donuts it goes into upon entering "deja vu" mode both serve as nods to the opening chase from No Time to Die. Its license plate number is also one letter away from the one used in Goldfinger.
- The Quick Draw near the fight's climax is framed akin to the iconic Bond Gun Barrel, with the POV inside the barrel of Wick's pistol. And Bond once again comes out on top here, complete with blood lowering down the screen.
- Bond kills Wick in about the exact same way he did Zao — by having a massive chandelier drop on him.
- Much like Cassian, though Bond survives fighting Wick, he comes out of it with a knife in his chest.
- The Name Is Bond, James Bond: Naturally done by the hosts for Bond himself, once at the beginning of his analysis and again when closing out the episode, both times in time with footage of Bond doing the same.
- Noodle Incident: At the beginning of Wick's analysis, when Boomstick asks the audience if they've ever made a mistake that was so big that they're "just [beep]ed for the rest of [their] life", Wiz wearily answers "yes", but doesn't elaborate.
- One Last Smoke: Bond weaponizes this by asking Wick if he can have one before launching a surprise attack with his Rocket Cigarette.
- Outside-Context Problem: The main reason that Bond wins: Bond and Wick are more or less evenly matched in nearly every area, but Wick is from a much more grounded world than Bond, where the most outlandish gadget is his bullet-proof suit. As a result, Bond's spy gadgets, many of which fall straight into sci-fi, are something Wick has no experience with and thus couldn't possibly expect.
- Post-Victory Collapse: After killing Wick, Bond falls back against a pillar. Which, given the knife in his chest, is entirely justified.
- Pre-Mortem One-Liner: "What comes around goes around, they say." He then kicks John into the circling Aston Martin until he's right below the Falling Chandelier of Doom.
- Running Gag: Throughout the episode, both commentators try to Title Drop as many of Bond's movies as possible. Boomstick's Bond One-Liner has him trying to rapid-fire all of the movies which weren't name-dropped already, only forgetting about Octopussy right before the exploding pen blows up.
- Share the Male Pain: Wiz audibly winces when he brings up the holed-chair-and-knotted-rope torture that 007 endured in Casino Royale.
- This Is Gonna Suck:
- Bond and Wick fight over the grenade pen with a multitude of clicking sounds heard. Then the pen drops and they realize what's about to happen, with Bond admitting he lost count of how many clicks were heard before it explodes.
- Before Wick dies, he only gives a defeated "Yeah..." before the chandelier crushes him.
- Waxing Lyrical: As part of the Hurricane of Puns throughout the episode, Boomstick caps off Bond's rundown by quoting Carly Simon's Title Theme Tune for The Spy Who Loved Me.
