Wiz: Few rivalries have lasted two decades or spawned epic battles like our second favourite series, Red vs. Blue.
Boomstick: With the Red Team, even though most of them don't actually wear red.
Wiz: And the Blue Team, their perpetually ocean-coloured rivals. For this battle, we'll be bringing these two groups back to where it all started.
Boomstick: To find out what would have happened had they stopped dicking around and actually just fought for real.
The preantepenultimate episode of season seven is a special occasion; not only does the cast of the most iconic machinima return, but they take center stage in the show's first proper team battle. For the sake of fairness, the battle will be assumed to take place in Blood Gulch where RvB began, and being invulnerable otherwise, all AI-based characters are confined to their physical armors, so as to fairly determine which team is superior in a Death Battle.
Our hosts begin the analysis of the fighters with an observation of why they're here; humanity's war with an alien covenant. Among the plans that humanity's finest came up with to overcome their extraterrestrial opponents was Project Freelancer - human supersoldiers assisted by artificial intelligence. Of all the possibilities to acquire soldiers to make super, they unfortunately picked one that was highly unorthodox - the stranding of several good-for-nothings in the Blood Gulch Canyon, being told that they are one another's enemies.
The Red Team consists of 5 members: Richard "Dick" Simmons, Dexter Grif, Franklin Delano Donut, and Lopez the Heavy, led by Super Colonel Sarge (name, Sarge; rank, Super Colonel).
Bearing a pathological hatred of anything coloured blue, Sarge was discharged from an orbital bombing team after developing a fear of heights; Project Freelancer deemed him the perfect man to lead the Red Team. Though he doesn't have all of the qualities you'd like in a leader, he does know his men very well - and though he doesn't always put that knowledge to caring ends, he can keep his team in line.
That's not to say his men aren't capable once they are in line, though. Simmons presents himself as your classical geek, but can change out of one suit of Powered Armor and into another in less than five seconds; given the normal expected SPARTAN suit-up time is measured in minutes, this puts him at roughly 90 times faster than the average SPARTAN. Grif is terribly lazy, with a rather unhealthy diet, but has endured enough Groin Attacks to leave a man crippled, yet continuously stands up. Donut is The Ditz and constantly clad in what he insists is light-ish red armour, yet survived in a locked-up suit of armour after having been shot through the chest and left where he was for over a year, and can throw a grenade half the length of Blood Gulch. Lopez is an AI locked into a Spanish language setting, but can constantly be rebuilt no matter how many times he is destroyed.
In addition to the standard SPARTAN loadout of rifles, submachine guns and magnums, certain members of the Red Team have additional weapons on hand. Sarge carries a M90 CAWS pump-action shotgun with an effective range of 45 meters and a 12-round feed; meanwhile, Grif packs a Type-2 Grenade Launcher colloquially referred to as the "Grif Shot". The Reds travel in an M12 Light Reconnaisance Vehicle known as the Warthog (or Puma, during certain misunderstandings), a 3-ton beast with a top speed of nearly 80mph, heavy body armour, and a mounted M41 Vulcan anti-arcraft armament.
It may be the best testament to the Reds' incompetence that they are constantly finding new ways to destroy the damn thing. This makes it all the more baffling that these morons are wearing state-of-the-art Mark VI MJOLNIR armour, verifiably capable of withstanding a 50-megaton bomb - as in, the Red Team verified it. But in spite of all their failures, the Red Team can definitely carry their own weight, as can be vouched by the Meta - possibly the deadliest Freelancer in history, a savage collector of fragmented AI, and currently decomposing inside his armour in the bottom of the ocean.
(Beat)
Grif: (sigh) I'll go get my car keys.
Sarge: Alright then! Let's move!
On the other side of this conflict is the Blue Team, a group of long-suffering SPARTANs with many casualties on their hands and experiments at the hands of Project Freelancer. The project only had a single AI at its disposal, based on the project director; upon the director's death, it needed to be hidden... and Blood Gulch was apparently their hiding spot of choice.
The Blue Team was their guinea pigs, at present consisting of five members: Leonard Church, Lavernius Tucker, Agent Texas, the living tank Sheila, and Michael J. Caboose.
With the death of their previous captain, Church serves as the leader of the Blue Team. The Alpha AI hidden by Project Freelancer, Church is a self-described asshole with a questionable performance record and a few delusions in his ledger. That said, he and his team withstood the same 50-megaton bomb as the Red Team - and Church's survival is all the more impressive, given that said bomb was within his own armour.
Speaking of his team, his allies have their own quirks and questionabilities as well - and like their opponents, they're quite capable all the same. Tucker is a Casanova Wannabe on frequent dates with a boulder, but he has given a blade enough force to pierce the Meta's armour, and has delivered a flying punch between the legs of a cyclops, whose stature puts his... ahem, 'male equipment' several SPARTAN's heights above the ground. Tex is not technically part of the Blue Team, nor technically a Freelancer as she is believed, but a Beta AI fragmented from the original Alpha, and based off the project director's wife at the moment of her death; this leads to her being programmed with failure in mind, but she is still just as capable as the professional Freelancers she has been ranked among, and can single-handedly flip over the 66-ton Sheila, who has a mind of her own and can operate autonomously. Despite Caboose's likeable personality and fan-favouritism, he has a tendency of friendly-fire and is... exceedingly stupid.
The Blue Team has stationed several teleporters throughout Blood Gulch; as the battle will be taking place within the canyon, the teleporters will be a valid factor, though their success rate is somewhat less guaranteed than their presence. Unlike their opponents, the Blue Team generally relies on the standard SPARTAN loadout, though with a few personal supplements. Tucker carries a Type-I Energy Sword that only functions for himself, and Church is in possession of a SRS990-S2 Sniper Rifle, though his own track record with the weapon is not exceptional - a logical result of Blood Gulch being his first combat experience.
That's not to say their lack of unique weapons makes the Blue Team devoid of capability, however. Texas is accompanied by an additional AI fragment known as Omega, allowing her to use additional gear to improve her capabilities. And despite her feats of strength, she had been shown to be outclassed by Caboose, able to lift a bomb that Texas was incapable of moving and completely ignoring a tenfold increase of gravity. The Blue Team's history is not exceptional, as they have a tendency to get themselves outclassed and lose teammates in so doing; however, they do their best to pull through, no matter their limitations.
Sheila: (fires mounted cannon)
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Red and Blue have both been analyzed with all they have to give. One advertisement for Keeps hair-loss prevention later, it's time for a Death Battle!
We're introduced to the Blue Team's base, where their flag is sitting out in the open... due to Caboose having heard a forecast predicting rain. As his compatriots try to correct him, they are interrupted by the roar of an engine; the Reds arrive on the Warthog, seizing the flag in a drive-by and opening fire on their opponents as they depart. Tucker retaliates by throwing a grenade through the teleporter atop the base, but Church lectures him on the devices unreliability and demands that Tucker accompany him and Caboose in... realizing that Caboose is gone.
Sarge praises his soldiers on having deceived the Blues with a faulty weather report, but their consequent confusion is interrupted when a cannon shell collides with the Warthog; Sheila crests a nearby hill, and at Caboose's command, shoots the enemy vehicle a second time. Grif promptly accelerates before the Blue tank can land a third one, and Simmons unleashes fire from the mounted turret. While Sheila and Caboose try to make their way down the boulder-studded slope, Sarge commands Grif to drive into the nearby cave... and on being refused, boots him off the driver's seat, leaving him in the open with his Grif Shot.
Planning to ram Sheila with the Warthog, Sarge drives the vehicle off the cliff on the other side of the cave, only to find said cliff much higher than anticipated. The airborne vehicle makes for an easy target for Sheila, who blows the Warthog out of the sky; though most of the Reds survive the destruction, Simmons is not so lucky. Grif mourns his compatriot's demise as Sheila advances, lining up another shot... that never fires, as Donut lobs a plasma grenade onto its hull.
Caboose rapidly bails before the bomb goes off, taking Sheila out of the fight; the Blue Flag is left impaled between the two teams as the Reds gather and the Blues manage to catch up. Exchanging barbs, the two teams charge one another; Sarge makes to fire on Church, only for Tex to come up at his side and beat him down with her bare hands. Church and Donut trade shots at a run as Caboose takes cover behind a large boulder; when Tex manages to get Sarge in a grapple, Lopez makes to take aim, only for Grif to clothesline him with the Grif Shot and continue to intrude upon the melee.
Texas manages to disarm him and delivers a ferocious blow to his dual core, seizing him bodily while he recoils and throwing him aside before continuing to grapple with Sarge. Lopez takes aim at the melee, but is interrupted when Tucker charges in with his energy sword; after a failed attempt at utilizing his firearm at close quarters, Lopez engages the swordsman with his fists, taunting him amidst the battle. Tucker manages to catch him off-guard during an attempted disarmament, engaging his Energy Sword such that the blade manifests in Lopez's chest, a moment later, he cleaves the robot's head off, leaving his body out of commission.
Sarge has been maintaining his melee with Tex, but now finds himself disarmed of his shotgun; as Tex makes to execute him with his own weapon, Grif charges in to resume his melee. He is rapidly, hopelessly outclassed, and after another blow between the greaves, Tex manages to snap his neck; Sarge shows no remorse for his ally's death, but is rapidly attacked again by the still-ready Texas.
Church claims his sniper rifle and makes to take aim, telling a far-too-eager Caboose that he is most useful not doing anything as the Blue leader tries - and fails - to snipe the Reds from long range. Donut is soon dancing amidst the rifle fire, throwing a grenade towards their source; after taking cover, Church throws down his rifle in frustration, drawing a sidearm and charging into the battle... and leaving Caboose with the discarded rifle.
The Blue leader can't stop his ally in time; Caboose fires at the melee between Sarge and Texas, and hits the Freelancer in the back of the head. The still-flying shot rebounds off the rocks of Blood Gulch and strikes Donut, then Tucker, and finally Church himself in mid-curse, leaving two combatants on the field - Caboose, and Sarge.
Sarge begins to advance on his opponent... and Tucker's grenade tumbles out of the empty space beside him, coming to a stop at his feet. He barely has time to bemoan his situation before the explosive goes off, leaving Caboose standing alone as rain begins to fall.
KO!
The chaos and unreliability of the battle resonates well with the show the combatants come from - but the outcome stands, and our hosts go into why. Though the Red Team had an advantage in intelligence and firepower, the Blue Team overcame them with the raw physical force of Texas and Caboose; Sarge's military history could give him the experience advantage, but Texas' Freelancer training was far more intensive. Although the Beta AI's design flaws meant that Texas' odds were against her on her own, her allies were able to compensate; Tucker has had some Freelancer training for himself, and Sheila had a massive advantage over the Warthog. Ultimately, despite the determination of the Reds, the Blues had the advantage in all the right places, and were able to overcome their rivals and their bloodthirsty leader.
DUMMI: (teleporting in from below with heavy damage) And that's even without releasing the obviously superior power of artificial intelligence units.
Boomstick: Y'know, DUMMI, you ever wonder why you're here?
DUMMI: All the time.
Wiz: The winner is the Blue Team.
This episode contains the following tropes:
- Action Girl: Agent Texas of course, but did you really expect anything less from her?
- Adaptational Badass: Since Death Battle has opponents fight each other to the death, the otherwise lackluster and normal members of Red Team and Blue Team are shown to be surprisingly more capable in combat. Special mentions go to Grif, who is much more active than definitely would have liked and actually puts up a decent fight before Texas mops the floor with him and breaks his balls.
- Adaptational Wimp: For the sake of evening things out, AI characters Church and Texas are stuck inside their bodies and cannot leave them, which means they cannot possess anyone on Red Team.
- Authority Equals Asskicking: Played straight by Sarge, who is the leader of the Reds and their best fighter by far, but averted by Church, who despite being the leader of the Blues is not just the worst fighter on their team, but probably the worst fighter of everyone.
- Back for the Dead: Church and Texas make their return for this Death Battle, only to die again. At the hands of Caboose.
- Big "NO!": On two occasions.
- Early in the Death Battle, the Warthog is destroyed with Simmons being the only casualty. Grif arrives in time to see his friend die and does a Skyward Scream.
- Church lets one out when he watches Texas get team-killed by Caboose.
- Brick Joke:
- Caboose was fooled by a (supposedly) fake weather report about rain and put the flag outside, which allowed the Reds to steal the flag, and Sarge congratulating Grif and Simmons on fooling the Blues with a fake weather report. After Caboose becomes the last one standing (minus Lopez's head), it starts to rain while the flag remains outside.
- DUMMI was sent through the teleporter during the Blues' rundown but he doesn't go through the other side, leading Wiz and Boomstick to believe he was destroyed. After Boomstick delivers his usual Bond One-Liner, DUMMI appears out of the other side of the teleporter with noticeable damage on him.
- Call-Back: This Death Battle brings back more than a few things from the show itself:
- The Red Team has a very bad history with the Warthog being the target of being destroyed or exploded, which is revisited when, just like in the Blood Gulch Chronicles, their jeep is destroyed by Sheila.
- In the Recollection Trilogy and Freelancer Saga's respective last seasons, Grif repeatedly suffered a Groin Attack by Texas with seemingly extreme prejudice. When Grif tries to fight her off with the Grifshot, she responds in kind by bashing his balls and knocking him away.
- The "Hurk! Blagh." gag makes a triumphant return, having not been heard since the Blood Gulch Chronicles.
- Chekhov's Gun: The grenade Tucker throws into the teleporter ends up being what clinches the Blue Team's victory.
- Continuity Nod: Lopez isn't the first Red vs. Blue combatant to lose his head.
- The Cuckoolander Was Right: Caboose claimed it was supposed to rain after falling for a fake weather report, but it turns out that he was correct about the rain falling, which happens after the battle.
- Curb-Stomp Battle/Curb-Stomp Cushion: While the former is played straight with both instances of Grif and Tex's interactions, Sarge despite also getting pummeled by Tex, once Caboose killed her and everyone else, slowly walked up to Caboose as if he never fought Tex.
- Let's Get Dangerous!: The whole premise of the fight is what would happen if the Reds and Blues actually fought rather than standing around and talking.
- Neck Snap: How Grif goes out. He saves Sarge from being killed by Texas and tries to fight her off, only for her to wrap her arms around his neck and snap it like a twig.
- Never My Fault: Played for Laughs. When Caboose kills Tex, he, predictably, blames someone else.
- Off with His Head!: Lopez once again finds his head being sliced off.
- Old Shame: An In-Universe example. Whenever the Goku vs. Superman Death Battle is brought up this episode, both Wiz and Boomstick treat the subject with obvious disdain and regret. Boomstick sounds ashamed when he mentions the battle, and later on, when he says that Caboose is stronger than Goku for being able to withstand gravity being intensified by ten times, Wiz immediately tells him to stop.Wiz: Don't you dare open those floodgates!
- Pre-Mortem One-Liner: Sarge begins one, but is killed by the grenade Tucker threw into the teleporter at the start of the Death Battle before he can actually attempt to kill Caboose, who is the only Blue left standing.Sarge: This is it. This is what it's all about. Red vs. Blue. Blood vs water, which is really just lifeless, tasteless, waste-of-space blood. Destiny awaits! Today, the cerulean devil dies! (stops and sees the grenade roll at his feet) Well, should've seen that coming.
- Red Oni, Blue Oni: As the title of their series implies. Blue Team has no shortage of eccentricities, but they're still better trained and disciplined than the Red Team, who tend to tunnel through their problems with sheer grit and a pinch of luck.
- Sole Survivor: By the end of the Death Battle, the only surviving members of Red Team and Blue Team are Lopez and Caboose respectively.
- Stealth Pun: Sarge dies via a frag grenade Tucker threw into a teleporter at the start of the fight finally coming out and blowing him up, in other words, he got Tele-Fragged.
- Team Killer: Caboose only ever killed Churchnote . He not only kills Church but virtually the entirety of Blue Team.
- Ungrateful Bastard: When Grif sees Texas about to kill Sarge with his own shotgun, he rushes at her and tries to fight her off, getting his neck snapped for his troubles. How does Sarge respond to Grif's death?Sarge: Huh, 'bout time.
- Which makes sense, since Sarge constantly tried to kill Grif in the show.
- The Voiceless: Texas is completely silent during the whole affair, not even using her voice filter. Which makes sense, given her voice actor's departure from Rooster Teeth some odd years back.
- Wouldn't Hit a Girl: Sarge says this while fighting Tex... then points out that she's technically not a lady.
