Tall tales of superhuman feats has existed for as long as man has been telling stories, and today we pit the greatest of these legends in a clash of East meets West:
The forty-fourth episode features two legendary Memetic Badasses, both of them widely documented on the internet for having an array of absurdly impressive feats, as well as an affinity for the martial arts. Wizard and Boomstick examines whether the successful advertising mascot for the Sega Saturn can challenge the dominant nature of the roundhouse-kicking Texas Ranger in a death battle.
With Wiz and Boomstick starting off with Chuck Norris, they tell of an ancient Chinese Legend where a child would be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That child was not Chuck Norris, because he killed that man. Carlos Ray Norris was born in March 10, 1940 in Oklahoma, and in his early life was a pacifist with unremarkable grades in school, but then in 1958 joined the Air Force and served as an Air Policeman. It was there that he picked up martial arts, and from 1964 to 1974 he had a highly successful career, winning 183 bouts, defending his middleweight title for six years and being the first Westerner to have won the 8th-degree black belt in Taekwondo. He also has black belts in five other disciplines: Tang Soo Do, Karate, Brazilian Jujitsu, Judo and Chun Kuk Do, the discipline he invented himself.
It was from his success in the martial arts that he also took on an acting career, starring in such works as The Delta Force, Walker, Texas Ranger and Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. Among his exploits include kicking a man so hard he does six backflips, firing from a machine gun for an indeterminate amount of time without ever needing to reload, and transform into animals, though there really isn't a need since the most dangerous animal is Chuck Norris. He works out for a long time with a Total Gym and even developed a brand of jeans designed to keep from tearing when he does his kicks, the Chuck Norris Action Jeans. He also managed to drive out from being buried alive, and has demonstrated skill in a vast number of vehicles and weapons. He's got a keen sense of awareness and has on multiple occasions saved the world with his cadre of heroes.
The already-impressive powers are such that a vast number of facts have popped up on the internet with traits so exaggerated it can be difficult to distinguish fact from fiction. That is, until Chuck himself published a book with 101 of his favorite facts, and among them:
#67: When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the earth down.
#95: Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
#80: According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
#71: Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang was roughly equal to that of 1 CNRK (one Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
#23: There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard; only another fist!
With all that said, his martial arts record isn't perfect, as he did lose ten matches. He also has a Carpet of Virility, which although it shows off how manly he is can be grappled, such as what happened when he fought Bruce Lee and died. However, that doesn't last long since Death fears him, so Chuck is still about. In all the years of research, Wiz and Boomstick have yet to come across one that can challenge him, until...
- Barney Ross: "I heard another rumor that you were bitten by a king cobra."
Chuck as Booker: "Yeah, I was. But after five days of agonizing pain, the cobra died."
With Chuck Norris wrapped up, Wiz and Boomstick now start off his opponent's bio by stating the sadistic aspects of Japanese folklore. Then comes a Karate master who comes to any place where nobody is playing the Sega Saturn, and spares nobody from his wrath, be they men, women or childrennote . His name is Segata Sanshiro. By 1997, the Sega Saturn was struggling, even in its native Japan to the Nintendo 64, so in comes Segata Sanshiro, who travels the land to beat anyone not playing it within an inch of his life. It worked, and sales have substantially gone up in Japan, though not much was known about him except for the use of the giant Saturn on his back for physical and gaming training, and he was dating Sakura.
He can kick baseballs for a home run, run for more than 60 MPH while barefoot on ice and won the World Cup by tossing one of his players to redirect a corner kick to the goal. He's a master of disguise, has the ability to self-duplicate and enlarge himself several times over and can take down an entire nightclub full of people in just three moves. He can judo throw a man so hard that said man will explode on impact... twice! His feats were so impressive, and the sales doing well enough that Nintendo sent a homing missile to Sega HQ when it was just about to unveil the Dreamcast. In an effort to save the company, Segata leapt from the HQ's roof and stopped the missile from reaching the building without even so much as scratching a window, then redirected it and himself into outer space, demonstrating that he can ignore the laws of physics. He rode on the missile without being affected by the vacuum of space, and clung on until it exploded, and so Segata's story comes to an end...
... or so it seems. That final advertisement stated that "Segata will always live on in our hearts", and the final image shows what appears to be a shooting star: Segata arriving back on Earth. A year later a familiar face appeared, giving the tutorial in Rent-a-Hero and stating that he once was a great hero. He can also be seen clinging on to the missile fourteen years later in Sonic & All-Stars Racing: Transformed, and he crashed a Sega Sound Unit concert in 2013 to sing his theme song. Another familiar face also appeared thousands of years later as a challenger to Sonic in the February 2015 issue of Archie Comics' Sonic the Hedgehog. While Segata can't die, he can't seem to fight off the dead, and his judo throwing is ineffective to zombies as they would rise back up. Also, Segata couldn't prop up Sega forever, since it dropped out of the console race after the Dreamcast and as of now has been experiencing a series of financial problems. It can be speculated that he is biding his time, waiting for an opportune moment to step in and save the company once again. Still, one should take heed to his parting words lest they face his wrath.
- Segata: セガサターン、シロ!Translation
All bases have been covered and there's no additional need for elaboration. It's time for a death battle!
In a cabin, Chuck Norris was watching TV and The Delta Force was on a commercial break. A Sega Saturn ad appears, with Segata Sanshiro hawking the console. Chuck Norris tried changing the channel several times and always ended up with a Saturn commercial. Shortly afterwards Segata leaped out of the TV and tossed his Saturn at Chuck, who caught it before crushing it into fine powder.
Segata charges at Chuck and the two exchanged blows before the latter took out a machine gun and started firing, but the former tanked every shot so he roundhouse-kicked him out of the cabin instead and into a nearby tree. Segata then grabbed the fallen trunk and leveled the cabin, with Chuck dodging it then dealing some powerful punches, including one from his third fist under the beard and one through running around the world and punching the back of Segata's head. The blows end up felling some trees, but Segata pounced and judo-throwed Chuck to a nearby mountain, where the explosions destroyed it. Chuck leaped back, only to be surrounded by an army of Segata clones that promptly pummel him. The giant Segata was about to punch Chuck when the latter blocked it then landed some blows that drove him through the earth, literally splitting it and sending him to the moon. Chuck then does a pushup, which sends the other half of the earth hurtling towards said moon.
Segata was pushed deeper into space, that by the time he punched that half of the earth away he was close to the planet Saturn. He then decided to grab the rings, spinning them around at a high velocity and using them as one big chakram, bellowing out his catch phrase in the process. Chuck is now also in space, near what is left of the earth, and the rings have already cleaved Mars in two prior to catching him in its path. It slices through the two remaining planets in the path before striking the sun, and Segata arrives at the scene riding an asteroid. Chuck then emerged from the sun, having destroyed it and causing a supernova in the process.
And then suddenly, a black hole forms, absorbing everything in its path, including the two combatants. It was near the event horizon that the two land their final strike, Chuck's roundhouse-kicking foot connecting to Segata's fist as flashbacks from past episodes appear, and then everything disappears, and in its place a constellation was formed, portraying the two locked in combat.
Boomstick is impressed with the fight, but can't figure out who won. Wizard can't declare a winner either, since their instruments just can't pick them up anymore. The two have ripped a hole in spacetime, so as far as we can tell, they are still fighting to this day, and either they were sent to another dimension or destroyed their plane of existence, or both.
- Boomstick: Well, God have mercy on wherever they ended up. I guess this one just kinda... spaced out.
Chuck Norris vs. Segata Sanshiro contains examples of:
- Apocalypse How: Categorized under Class X-4 as the two clashed while in the middle of a black hole, causing the plane of existence to collapse on itself.
- The Cameo: During the climax scenes from past fights animated by Zack appeared, and then an image of Super Saiyan God Goku fighting Superman.
- Continuity Nod: Once again, they bring up how twisted Japanese folklore could get, especially their god of thunder.
- Immortality: Their analyses have neither of them dying, and this is the only episode where neither die onscreen.
- Well, This Is Not That Trope: Wizard opens up with an ancient Chinese legend of a great hero... who then gets killed off by the rundown's real hero, Chuck Norris.