Continuing from the previous story, Ellie turns to leave to return to her barmaid duties, but she bumps in a young woman who is looking for Jago. The woman claims to have travelled a considerable distance to find him so she can demonstrate her act for the New Regency Theatre. Jago feigns interest but assumes that the woman will show a new run of the mill act. The woman assures him that the act is nothing the likes he’s never seen before, but she is merely an agent for the true act…she presents to the Infernal Investigators…The Scorchies!
On cue, a band of giggling puppets emerge as if they were alive! Jago is amazed and asks how they work. The agent smiles and states that’s the mystery…and the Scorchies know a song about such a thing. The Scorchies break out into a joyous song introducing the merry troupe of puppets and asking that Jago consider them for his Theatre. Once the song is over, the entire tavern is silent in bewilderment. Jago applauds the performance and hires the Scorchies on the spot. After all, these giggling puppets can’t be sinister…right?
A few weeks later, the Scorchies are performing singsongs to a completely full New Regency Theatre audience. However, a couple watching from the balcony seats called Mister and Missus comment that the show is rather disappointing but have their eyes on two individuals in a private box – Litefoot and Ellie.
As the show goes on, Ellie and Litefoot comment on how The Scorchies have taken up all of Jago’s time as they haven’t heard from him in weeks. While Litefoot finds the Scorchies rather delightful, Ellie finds them rather creepy and unnerving, especially considering they move rather unnaturally for puppets…
The Scorchies’ performance ends and they receive a standing ovation and request for an encore. Their agent Nancy Pettigrew and Jago step onto the stage and sadly state that the Scorchies must rest for the night, but they will be back for another performance tomorrow. With a roll call, each Scorchie bids the audience farewell – starting with the wooden soldier ‘Colonel Fuzz’, followed by ‘Porcelain Polly’ and finally the diminutive Magic Mice. Jago bids the audience a good evening and request they return soon. As the audience disembark from the theatre, Mister and Missus notice Jago’s looking rather nervous and that they will have to have a word with him…
A crowd of people have gathered in the foyer to get an up-close look at the Scorchies. Litefoot and Ellie are still unable to deduce how they operate, which continues to unnerve Ellie further as she feels the Scorchies are watching her from their chairs as if they were alive. Litefoot sees Jago charging around looking rather stressed out as he tries to find Pettigrew. Litefoot manages to call his friend over, but Jago rudely brushes off his friends as he must tend to his cast of puppets and quickly rushes off…
Litefoot and Ellie leave the Theatre. Ellie feels most insulted by Jago’s offish manner, but Litefoot merely brushes it off as the stress of the job. Nonetheless, he does feel guilty for disturbing Jago and decides to return to apologise. But Litefoot admits that he too does find something rather off about the puppets, specifically how do they work if they have no operators? After all, he and Jago did have a rather memorable encounter with a sinister puppet many years ago. Ellie assumes that Litefoot is jealous of Jago’s newfound fame, but Litefoot vehemently denies this, but he does feel a little despondent because of his friend’s success. Litefoot leaves to go to the theatre while Ellie heads off to the Red Tavern.
Once Litefoot leaves Ellie, she suddenly breaks out into a song:
Goodnight Professor Litefoot, Sometimes you’re not so bright.
Fear not, Professor Litefoot, I’ll make sure it all ends right.
As for now farewell, adieu, my time has come to disappear.
I’ll be fine, no chorus line would be complete without me here.
Goodnight, Professor Litefoot. Just for once, I’d love to stay.
Perhaps in time I’ll get my dues, but maybe not today.
Inside the theatre, Mister and Missus fear something is coming…change…and they don’t like change…
Litefoot enters the empty theatre and finds a great mess on the stage as the puppets have been scattered everywhere. He gets a closer look at the puppets and slowly begins to hum. Litefoot suddenly stops himself and calls out for Jago once more. Pettigrew arrives on the stage and Litefoot introduces himself. He compliments her performance and asks simply if she could possibly perform without the Scorchies. Pettigrew perishes the thought as she owes her livelihood to them, but Litefoot presses her asking if she feels that the Scorchies are rather sinister, especially how their eyes seem to follow you around the room. Pettigrew becomes more nervous with each question. Litefoot requests that he picks up one of the Magic Mice, to which she becomes more anxious and begs him not to. Litefoot relents and decides to look for Jago. But not before noticing many wires hanging from the rafters onto the stage below. Pettigrew states that the wires are a part of the performance and ‘trade secret’. With his curiosity satisfied, Litefoot takes his leave and Pettigrew is left alone with her puppets while she waits for her boyfriend Bill. Listening to Litefoot’s comments about the Scorchies looking rather sinister unsettles her greatly. She suddenly hears a disturbing giggling sound and decides to sing to calm herself.
Little does Pettigrew realise is that Mister and Missus have been watching her. Mister asks why the caged bird sings, to which Missus responds that it can no longer see the bars. They have a feeling that it will be tonight…they can feel it in the air…
Later, Pettigrew’s boyfriend Bill arrives at the theatre and meets with Pettigrew. She is happy to see him. She asks him to dance with her in front of the puppets and she begins to sing:
I’m just a Cockney siren, I’m a little Bow Bell miss.
I’ll dance you till you’re tiring, then I’ll rest you with a kiss.
Be a gent and take my hand, I’ll sing you to a smile.
I’ll show you that life is grand, just glide with me a while.
From Cheapside to Mayfair, we’ll paint the town bright red.
From the ‘Dilly to the Square, home’s where you lay your head.
I’m just a Cockney siren, I’m a little Bow Bell miss.
I’ll dance you till you’re tiring, then I’ll rest you with a kiss.
Bill becomes nervous when he thinks he saw one of the Magic Mice move, but Pettigrew reassures him its nothing. But as they try to leave, Pettigrew tells Bill that she is stuck. Bill assumes that a wire from the rafters must have caught her dress and proceeds to untie it. He steps behind her and is horrified by what he sees…a mass of wires attached to her back! Then the sound of menacing giggling fills the stage…
Elsewhere backstage, Litefoot is still searching for Jago. He finds Jago seated with his back to him. Litefoot assumes he has found Jago in a foul mood, but nonetheless apologises for his feelings of jealousy. With his conscience clear, Litefoot prepares to leave until he hears what sounds like Jago crying. Litefoot offers his handkerchief to wipe Jago tears…except Jago is crying sawdust from his eyes…
On the theatre stage, Pettigrew begs Bill to get away while he still can, as they won’t let her keep any of her suitors. Suddenly, the Scorchie Porcelain Polly walks up to Bill and says her catchphrase ‘I love you’. Bill is horrified that the puppet is walking and talking on its own. Porcelain Polly notices how Bill does not have a jolly face and offers to fix that…and she pounces on top of him!
Bill’s screams didn’t go unheard as Litefoot rushes off to help, leaving Jago alone in his chair as he sings a melancholic song:
Goodnight Professor Litefoot
Something’s not quite right
I feel we might come undone
Tonight Litefoot tonight…
Litefoot runs onto the stage and finds Pettigrew in a state of shock. She warns Litefoot to leave, but he notices Bill’s dead body and inspects him. He is horrified to notice that his eyes have changed completely black! Then Porcelain Polly begins to cheerfully sing about her gruesome deed. Mister and Missus had seen everything and comment that it was quite amusing…
Litefoot exclaims that he knew these Scorchie puppets were peculiar. Upon being found out, the Scorchies giggle menacingly. Pettigrew begs Litefoot to leave while he can, as there’s no hope for her as she can’t leave. Litefoot doesn’t understand what she means. Jago arrives and tells Litefoot to look at her back. Litefoot does so and finds a mass of wires attached to her, which only leads to further questions. Jago decides to explain everything…in song.
I paraded these puppets to pull in the punters, but things haven’t panned out as planned,
It seems they’re sadistic and scandalous scoundrels, and things have got quite out of hand,
This mischievous horde have been shredding the board, singing melodies night after night
The audience roar like never heard before, and are head over heels with delight
But after the show when the audience go, they scurry about in the wings,
They laugh and they jeer and it soon became clear, it was they who were pulling the strings
They’re mean and malign, and they're mangling my mind with malevolent musical moulds
Their incessant rhyming has slowly been climbing up through my head till it explodes!
I used to be strong, never fear never falter
I’m sturdier a cove than the Rock of Gibraltar
But now I’m their puppet, their pawn and their prize!
I’ve been musically mastered to my own demise…
Litefoot demands to know what the Scorchies are. The wooden Colonel Fuzz responds that they are aliens with plans to enslave mankind. Litefoot doesn’t seem remotely phased by that revelation and retorts that they’re not the first malicious monsters that they’ve dealt with. He and Jago list off several threats and enemies that have tried to take the Earth in the past, only to be stopped by the Infernal Investigators. From killer robots to shapeshifting sand creatures, to mahogany men to god-like beings! And now they can add malevolent puppets to their list. Now that the Scorchies know who they’re up against, Litefoot tells them their best bet is to leave Earth. But the Scorchies state that they can’t do that as their world was destroyed and they think Earth will do nicely for colonisation. Colonel Fuzz further explains the Scorchies are a disembodied intelligence that feed on human emotion twice a night during their show. When they landed on Earth, they enslaved Pettigrew to their whims and made her their show agent. She then got them a gig at Jago’s New Regency Theatre with their sensational act. Pettigrew’s attractive appearance garnered her a lot of male admirers, that unfortunately fell victim to the Scorchies as their food supply. Litefoot demands to know how Jago factors into their plans. Colonel Fuzz and Porcelain Polly explain that he is to be the ideal audience member, and they start to hypnotise Litefoot. Colonel Fuzz orders him to come closer if he wishes to find out the process. Litefoot, clearly under their spell, does so. Porcelain Polly explains that by rhyming, they create a hypnotic field that places their victims in their grasp. With each step, Litefoot continues to rhyme…until he stops. He states that he hasn’t been under their spell and had been playing along so he could get to the stage rope lift. He activates it and it lifts him into the rafters. Colonel Fuzz orders his Magic Mice to give chase.
Litefoot is surprised to see the Magic Mice scaling the stage curtain, threatening to eat him alive. Litefoot calls out to the shadowy figure in the rafters and demands it come out and face him. The figure slowly emerges singing a song, until it comes face to face with Litefoot. It reveals itself to be Porcelain Polly. Taking advantage of Litefoot’s surprise, she knocks him off the rafters and onto the stage below.
Mister and Missus watch the events unfold before them. It seems Litefoot managed to save himself by catching a rope. They agree that the scene does lack something, and Missus activates a music box…
On the stage below, Jago begins to act as if he’s introducing a show. He states that Litefoot is in grave danger. Will he be able to save humanity? Will he discover the sinister secret in the theatre rafters? And will he be able to save his dear friend Jago? Find out after the interval!
Litefoot manages to scale the rope and reach the rafters once more. Porcelain Polly emerges from the darkness of the rafters and wishes to talk with Litefoot. She repeats the phrase ‘I Love You’ over and over, but in particular…she loves humans because they remind her of what she once was, and it’s the exact reason why The Scorchies want to eradicate the human race. Their goal is to create a race of humans and Scorchie hybrids. Jago and Pettigrew were examples of failed experiments in genetic compatibility. Jago demands to know what else is in the rafters, like what attacked him earlier. Porcelain Polly refuses to answer, stating her overlords won’t like that…but maybe she could tell him…if he came close enough for her to bite him! Porcelain Polly tries to attack Litefoot once more, but he throws her over the rafters edge and shatters to pieces on the stage.
Jago comes to his senses from his hypnotic trance. He greets Pettigrew and asks why she hasn’t left for home yet. Pettigrew reminds him of the Scorchies and Jago quickly remembers. He is relieved that they’ve not done any real damage yet. Pettigrew sadly tells him that the Scorchies have repeatedly been wiping his memory so he doesn’t remember the experiments they performed on him, they’ve murdered a great number of people. Jago is visibly disturbed by his predicament, especially when he sees the wires on Pettigrew’s back and her comments that the wires do hurt her. He tells her they are a fine pair of lost souls. In fact, they decide to sing about their fate:
Lost souls, a sad and lonely pair,
sitting here alone together tied up to a chair.
Hypnotised by puppets with a penchant for a song.
To anyone but us that might seem creepy and quite wrong.
Considering our fate we are remarkably at ease,
but that's because when we're asleep they wipe our memories.
Lost souls, nearly time to say adieu.
We won't be alone for long,
Soon we'll be Scorchies too.
Mister and Missus applaud the performance as a welcome change of pace from Litefoot’s investigation. However, they think the minions are a disappointment, commenting that if they were a credible threat, they would’ve killed him by now. They return their attention to the stage, as an unwelcome intrusion has made itself apparent…
A police officer walks onto the stage and greets Jago and Pettigrew. He apologises for breaking in, but he’s received complaints of a disturbance and has come to investigate. Jago assures the officer that everything is fine…even though the officer points out they are both tied to a chair and there’s a dead body on the stage. Jago brushes him off by stating that they are rehearsing for a show. As they continue to talk, all three individuals begin to speak in rhyme. Pettigrew notices this and urges the officer to leave quickly before he gets killed. Suddenly, the ominous giggling of the Magic Mice Scorchies fill the stage led by Colonel Fuzz. Pettigrew once more urges the officer to go while he can, the officer is captivated by the sight of the puppets and states he’s been dying to get a ticket…which turns out to be a poor choice of words as Colonel Fuzz and his Mice are all too willing to oblige. Colonel Fuzz silences Jago and Pettigrew by snapping his wooden fingers and orders his Mice to sing a song for the nice policeman:
I know a fat old police-man, he's always on our street.
A fat and jolly red faced man, He really is a treat.
He's too kind for a police-man. He's never known to frown.
And everybody says he is the happiest man in town!
He laughs upon point duty, He laughs upon his beat.
He laughs at everybody when he's walking in the street.
He never can stop laughing, He says he's never tried,
But once he did arrest a man and laughed until he died!
With the final verse, the Magic Mice pounce upon the unsuspecting policeman and his screams are drowned out by the jovial Scorchie music and maniacal laughter of Colonel Fuzz and the Mice…
The policeman’s screams don’t go unheard as Litefoot laments on another soul lost to the diabolical puppets. Nonetheless, he presses on and finds a hidden curtain leading to a private viewing box. He pulls it back and comes face-to-face with a man and a woman. They introduce themselves and Mister and Missus. Litefoot is surprised to learn that these two ordinary people oversee the Scorchies. Mister and Missus take delight in being called normal as they reveal…they too are Scorchies! They explain that they are the final product of the Scorchies’ human/scorchie hybrid experiments. The bodies are of the people they’ve killed and injected their consciousness into. Unfortunately, to maintain control of their bodies, they need a great amount of human emotive energy. So, the next show will be with a captive audience that will watch their show forever!
The Magic Mice laugh as they finish off the policeman. Colonel Fuzz reveals that the Scorchies have been erasing his memories because they’ve been injecting his body with a sawdust-like chemical that slowly transforms the victim into a Scorchie. The memory erasing has been to slowly weaken Jago’s mental resolve, and it shows as Jago threatens to dissolve their contract with the theatre and seek legal assistance against them. All Colonel Fuzz and his Scorchies do is laugh in Jago’s face and sing:
Habeas corpus, habeas corpus. Trust us to habeas corpus.
A nice wet warm body is a lovely QED.
There is no magic cleverer than to abra-cadaver-er.
It’s a jolly thing to see someone freshly RIP.
We’ll send you a letter-a, yours truly et cetera.
Cos we really think it’s grand to have a corpse to hand.
Habeas corpus, habeas corpus. Trust us to habeas corpus.
Mister and Missus lament that they missed the previous song. To make up for it, they instruct Litefoot to step a fraction to the left. Mister then pulls on a rope and opens a trapdoor beneath Litefoot’s feet to the stage below. Colonel Fuzz and his mice capture Litefoot in a tarpaulin. He’s relieved to be reunited with Jago. Colonel Fuzz however states that Jago will fulfil his loyalty to the Scorchies and murder Litefoot. Jago vehemently refuses and calls the Scorchies a disgrace!
Mister and Missus can’t believe what they’ve heard. They and the Magic Mice boo Jago for his defiance. Colonel Fuzz orders Pettigrew against her will to restrain Litefoot. Pettigrew does so as she has no control of her limbs. He then orders his Magic Mice to grab hold of Jago and pull him apart limb from limb. Mister and Missus watch Jago’s suffering with delight. Litefoot begs Pettigrew to let him go. Unfortunately, Pettigrew is no longer in control as she signifies with a song:
I’m just a Cockney Siren, I’m a little Bow Bell miss.
I’ve danced and now I’m tiring. I never wanted this.
I’m sorry, sir, I’ve got your hands and I can’t let them go.
I’m no longer in control. This is the Scorchie Show.
Mister and Missus seem to believe the show is reaching its climax…pity there won’t be an encore. With Jago being pulled apart and Litefoot being choked by a converted Pettigrew, they fear their lives are coming to an end. They bid each other goodbye as the sounds of maniacal laughter fills the theatre…
Good night, Good night Misters Litefoot and Jago
You’re in the tightest of tight spots and now its time to go
Good night, Good night. The end is nigh Of that we’re certain
Jago and Litefoot. It’s time we reach our final curtain
Suddenly, the doors to the theatre burst open and Ellie stands in the doorway. Jago and Litefoot are relieved to see her in their final moments. Ellie breaks into song:
Once again
I've been overlooked and left until the end
Just another lonely hour for me to spend
Behind the scenes until the denouement
It's not fair
I never get a truly even share
And I end up feeling bad
I'm just a spare part every time
The adventure's nearly finished and I've hardly said a line
You two gents have all the fun while I get left behind
Well not today if it's alright
I'm here to save mankind
I'm Ellie the barmaid
I'm sick of being forgotten
I may not make the titles but I'm vital to the plot
I'm more than just a bit part, I'm integral and I'm great
I'll never get a spin-off at this rate
I'm Ellie the barmaid
I'm here to save the day
You didn't think to ask me but I turned up anyway
As far as music debuts go this one is pretty late
I'll never get a spin-off at this rate
Now I won't let this bunch of fuzzy puppets steal the show
It's bad enough I've only had two scenes so far you know
It's time to put an end to this and claim what's mine by right
The final scene's for me and it ain't yours without a fight
So listen here you nasty bunch of ragged evildoers
I'm here to thwart your plans and send you right back down the sewers
The thought of killing everyone might make you laugh and chortle
But that won't work with me because I'm technically immortal
I'm used to pulling pints although I never pull me punches
I'm just as happy fighting as I am at serving lunches
If you thought you'd get away with this it's time you knew
Up with this I will not put, it's time to finish you
I'm Ellie the barmaid
Just look at what I found\\A big ol' bunch of fireworks just lying on the ground
And here's a box of matches sitting right next to this crate
I'll never get a spin-off at this rate
I'm Ellie the barmaid
It's time to end this show
I've got a box of rockets which I ain't afraid to throw
Don't go crying sawdust. You've got no one else to blame
I'll never get a spin-off but I'll kill you all the same
And as she sung in the song, Ellie lights a box of fireworks and firecrackers and launches them at the Scorchies, setting fire to the Magic Mice’s furry forms. Mister and Missus begin to boo at Ellie’s intrusion and slaughter of the Magic Mice. During the ensuing chaos, Ellie manages to free Jago and Litefoot. Colonel Fuzz orders his remaining Mice to chase down and kill the Infernal Investigators. Ellie finds another much larger box of fireworks, enough to finish the fiendish puppets for good. Pettigrew takes the fireworks and urges the trio to go while she ends the Scorchies. With no other choice, Ellie and the Infernal Investigators leave the theatre as Pettigrew lights up the fireworks and with a resounding series of explosions…Nancy Pettigrew, Colonel Fuzz and his Magic Mice are finished…
Mister and Missus start to complain about feeling rather warm, which is unusual for January.
Jago, Litefoot and Ellie narrowly escape the firework fiasco in the theatre and recuperate outside. Jago coughs up sawdust from his mouth and diagnoses himself free of the Scorchies’ influence. Ellie states that she knew to come to the rescue when she waited at the Red Tavern for a long time for Litefoot. When he didn’t return after apologising to Jago, she sent the poor unfortunate officer to check. When he didn’t return, she felt she had to check for herself. The other reason she felt something was wrong was that everybody around her was breaking into song. Jago apologises for neglecting his friends in favour of his headline act. Ellie offers to treat the Infernal Investigators to a drink, but not before they finish watching the remains of the fireworks inside the theatre…
Inside the theatre, Mister and Missus begin to smell burning and casually notice that they are both on fire…
As the last few Scorchies burn from the fireworks, they can’t help but sing a final tune in regard to their fiery fate:
Scorchies burning. Scorchies burning.
Made of sawdust. Made of sawdust.
Fire hazard. Fire hazard.
Pour on water. Pour on water
